I need some jokes...tell me the WORST joke that you know.

[driver8]

My daughter told me this one last night:

Did you hear about the giant with diarrhea?

No? It's all over town...

[DS1]

1. You mean worst tasteless or worst just bad?

[driver8]

3. Either...I'm not picky.

Hell, tell me the most tasteless joke you know and the worst (bad) one you know -- I'll take 'em all!

[Dr. Strange]

9. Uh-oh.

[Midwest_Doc]

12. World's Shrtest Joke

A termite walks into a saloon and says "Bar tender?"

[motely36]

2. The President was receiving his daily briefing...

:hide:

[driver8]

4. What's the punchline?

This sounds like a good one!! :hi:

[motely36]

6. Have you really not heard this???

[driver8]

8. I'm kidding, I'm kidding...

I've only heard it about a brazillian times!!

[motely36]

15. whew...

:crazy:

[madinmaryland]

28. How many is that?

[jpljr77]

5. What kind of lettuce did they serve on the Titanic?

Iceberg.

That's straight from my cousin's 7-year old...and it's pure gold.

[driver8]

10. Ha Ha -- I'll have to tell my 6 year old daughter that one.

Although I'm not sure that she knows anything about the Titanic...

[BOSSHOG]

7. Guess what I herd??

Sheep.

Two Nuns got into a carwreck. They went to a garage to get their car fixed but the mechanic sent them to a fruit stand because he heard Nuns traveled in "pears."

[Parche]

34. Hey Boss

How Peachy , as you are the Apple in every DU'rs eye, although I only like you
when you are Raisin the Flag!! :patriot: :rofl: :woohoo: :hi:

[guitar man]

11. ok

There are many stories related to the sinking of the Titanic Some have just come to light due to the success of the recent movie.

For example, most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellman's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. The "Titanic" was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after New York City.

The Mexican people were eagerly awaiting delivery and were disconsolate at the loss. So much so that they declared a national day of mourning which they still observe today. It is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.

:hi:

[driver8]

13. Ha Ha -- classic!! I love that one!

Muchas Gracias! :hi:

[guitar man]

18. de nada

:hi:

[DS1]

14. okay

What do you call a broken boomerang?

A stick


tasteless ->

What's blue, 15 inches long, and keeps women up all night screaming?



crib death


<- tasteless

[Taverner]

16. Guess what?

CHICKEN BUTT!!!!!

[InternalDialogue]

57. "Guess what? Chicken butt!" never gets old.

I drove my nieces crazy with it when they were little, and I still pull it out now that they're both grown.

Selected random adults also get a dose if they're careless enough to ask...

[Connonym]

82. you know why?

Chicken thigh

[motely36]

17. One of my all time favorites

Ask me if I am a tree...

[driver8]

29. Are you a tree?

[motely36]

94. NO!

:eyes:

[Lincolngirl]

19. Here's one,

But it's told better here than I can do.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A_-YRSEqgeo

[BOSSHOG]

20. A Priest, a Minister and a Rabbi walk into a bar

the bartender says, "What is this, a joke?"

[LynneSin]

21. Sarah Palin

:rofl:

[cloudbase]

58. Sarah Palin

is campaigning in a supermarket when she picks up a carton of soy milk and says "This means 'I am milk.'"

[Symarip]

22. What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

[driver8]

30. Ha Ha -- my kids will love that one!!

Thanks! :hi:

[Dr Fate]

23. A man goes to a job interview and is asked to give a urine, semen & feces sample...

...He says, I'm in a hurry, can I just leave you with my underwear?

[XemaSab]

24. Sent PM.

/not getting the pizza today

[av8rdave]

25. What do you name a male dog with no hind legs?

Sparky

[Dr. Strange]

37. What do you call a dog with NO legs?

What's the point? He ain't coming if you call him.

[av8rdave]

43. What do you do with that dog with no legs?

Take him for a drag!

[Tom Kitten]

26. I went to the butcher shop

I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 dollars that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

A piece of string walks into a bar. The bartender sees him and yells "Get out of here! We don't serve string!" The string goes outside, dejected. Then it ties itself up, frizzles its ends, and walks back into the bar. The bartender says, "Hey! Aren't you the piece of string I just kicked out of here" The string answers, "No, I'm a frayed knot."

Did you hear about the murders at the Army base? Some guy in a jeep ran over a bag of popcorn and killed all the kernels.

[driver8]

31. Ha Ha -- excellent!!

Thank you!

[graywarrior]

27. Bookmarking for my Toastmasters group

LOL!

[JVS]

32. ...but somebody's been throwing buttered corn out that window for the last 30 minutes

I'm not telling the set-up.

[TroglodyteScholar]

61. Ewwwwwww, I had forgotten that joke.

Thanks for bringing it all back. Yech.

[JVS]

83. I'm going to tell that one at my retirement dinner.

[DU GrovelBot]

33. ## PLEASE DONATE TO DEMOCRATIC UNDERGROUND! ##

==================
GROVELBOT.EXE v4.1
==================



This week is our fourth quarter 2008 fund drive. Democratic Underground is
a completely independent website. We depend on donations from our members
to cover our costs. Please take a moment to donate! Thank you!

[Lincolngirl]

35. Duck walks into a hardware store

and asks if they have any grapes. Guy behind the counter says no. Duck leaves, comes back the next day, asks "Do you have any grapes today?" Guy behind the counter says "I told you yesterday we don't have grapes here, if you come back and ask that stupid question again, I'm gonna staple your feet to the floor!"
Duck comes in the next day and asks, "Do you have any staples?" Guy says "no", Duck says, "good, you got any grapes?"

[kimmerspixelated]

42. Thanks,

Oh, I really love the weirder ones!

[Lincolngirl]

45. Your Avatar

says that to me!

All I know is weird!

[kimmerspixelated]

95. My daughter calls me "weird" all the time.

[fizzgig]

36. why did the trout cross the road

just for the halibut



yeah, yeah, i know....booooooooooooooooooooo

[BOSSHOG]

38. Why did the Marine cross the road?

Couldn't get his dick out of the chicken.

[driver8]

65. Ha Ha -- that is awesome!!

I'm sure those of us who served in the Navy appreciate it even more!!

[kimmerspixelated]

44. On Porpuoise?

[Rambis]

39. Mushroom walks into a bar

sits down and asks out the waitress and she turns him down. "what, why not I'm a fungi"

[old mark]

40. A salesman knocks at a door, and it is opened by a 5 year old boy

holding a half full glass of scotch and smoking a cigar.
Salesman says,"Son, are your parents home?"
Kid says,"What the fuck do you think?


mark

[Dr Fate]

54. laughing out loud! n/t

n/t

[driver8]

71. Oh man, that is a good one! n/t

[kimmerspixelated]

41. LOVE it!

The cornier the joke, the better I like em'!!!

[peacenik37]

46. worst joke

was Reagan going, "Well, there you go again." Pitiful. Oh yeah, he also said that ketchup was a vegetable. I guess we can all agree about how evil the republicans became.

[JoePhilly]

47. What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it?

It let out a little wine.

[pokerfan]

50. Q: What do you call a basement full of ______________.

(you can use anything: blondes, fans of perennial losing teams, etc.)

A: A Whine Cellar!

[Chan790]

48. True story...

One of my many side jobs since graduating college was as a mover of furniture for an auction house. One day we had the estate of an old local widow to settle. She'd written her entire family out of the will and some of them had shown up to bid on keepsakes to remember her by. One guy seemed particularly interested however in an old toilet brush. We'll call him John for the length of this story.

I guess as far as toilet brushes go, it was nice...it had a silver-plated handle and holder. I figure it was worth maybe $5...nevertheless we have to completely liquidate the estate of anything of any value whatsoever. Anyways, the bidding starts on the toilet brush. John immediately bids $10. Some other wiseass in his family bids $12. John goes to $15. Wiseass ups to $20 just to be funny. John bids $25. Now it's a contest...$30, $35, $40, $50! Wiseass finally concedes and John proudly takes his toilet brush. He buys a few other things over the course of the auction as well.

The next week, John's back. I'm surprised to see him, but he's looking to see what kind of deals he can find. So I ask..."How's the toilet brush working out for you?"

He replies "Well...it's nice. I don't like it as much as paper...but it gets the job done."

[driver8]

66. OMG -- that is really funny!! n/t

[pokerfan]

49. The first dirty joke I ever heard

had something to do with a boy named Johnny Fuckerfaster.

[moriah]

51. This one was told by one of my cousins...

.. it's more on the tasteless side, but it was told to me on the very first occasion where I was considered old enough to hang around with the adult women instead of my younger cousins. (This was told in front of my grandmother!?!)

-----------

A man took his three sons to a clothing store. They first visited the coat department, and the salesman came up and asked if he could help them. "Yes sir, I need to get the very best coats for these two you have, spare no expense," he said, pointing to the older two children.

"Okay, and what can we find for your youngest?" "I'm not getting anything for this goddamn big-headed son of a bitch!" the father says, and starts hitting his son over the head with his hat.

The same scenario went on through the shoe department and the rest of the departments.

Finally, at checkout, the manager came up to the man. "I'm sorry, but we've had some complaints that you are abusing your youngest son, that you keep cussing him out and hitting him. Why on earth are you giving him such a rough time?"

"Well, you see, as I was growing up I had only three goals. The first was to make a lot of money. And I'll tell you, I've got a pile of money so high that no horse could jump over it. The second goal I had was to marry a beautiful woman. And I got that one too -- my wife is the most beautiful woman you'll ever see.

"The third goal was that beautiful wife of mine would have a tight snatch.... And she did until this goddamn big-headed son of a bitch came along!"

(Yes, my cousin used "snatch" in front of my grandmother.)

[WildEyedLiberal]

52. A llama walks into a bar and says "Hey barkeep, how about a drink?"

The bartender says, "Holy shit, a talking llama!"

[driver8]

67. Ha Ha -- awesome!! n/t

[edbermac]

53. What's brown and sounds like a bell?

Dung.

[4_Legs_Good]

55. A proton, an electron and a neutron walk into a bar...

The proton orders a drink and pays for it.

The electron orders a drink and pays for it.

The neutron orders a drink, and asks the bartender how much he owes.

The bartender responds, "For you, no charge".

Mwah hah hah hah

David

[trotsky]

62. On a related note...

One hydrogen atom says to another, "I think I lost my electron."

The second hydrogen atom asks, "Are you sure?"

The first atom says, "Yes, I'm positive."



Soooo sorry. :evilgrin:

[driver8]

68. I'll have to remember that one...my father in law will love it!!

Thanks!!

[Pierre.Suave]

111. Hardy har har...

Good one...

[Ikonoklast]

56. Have you heard the one about the butcher that backed into the meat grinder

and got a little behind in his work?

[Sabriel]

59. Knock, knock

Who's there?

Interrupting Cow.

Interrupti--

MOOOO!!!

[TX Screwball]

60. A duck walks into a drugstore...

...and says,"Give me some Chapstick and put it on my bill."

[driver8]

69. LOL -- I like it!! n/t

[TroglodyteScholar]

63. How do you kill a circus?

Go for the juggler!

[BlueJazz]

64. Two Antennas meet ...fall in love and get married..

The Wedding was just OK but the reception was Great.

[JTG of the PRB]

70. There's this guy. He's been having trouble sleeping, so he goes to a psychiatrist...

"Doc, I'm having trouble sleeping. I haven't had a good night's sleep in a month!" the guy says, fighting back a yawn.

"Well, what seems to be the problem?" the doctor asks.

"It's these dreams, Doc," the guy says. "Every night, over and over, it's the same thing. First I'm a wigwam. Then, I'm a tipi. Then I'm a wigwam, then I'm a tipi. I keeps going back and forth like this, night after night, all night long. What does it mean?"

"It's simple!" the doctor says with a smile. "You're just two tents!"

http://www.instantrimshot.com/

[Ellipsis]

72. A vulture boarded a plane, carrying two dead raccoons....

The stewardess stopped him and said, "Sorry sir, only one carrion per passenger."

[driver8]

87. Ha Ha -- love it!! n/t

[Lil Missy]

73. Awful joke

Airhead returns to work on Monday and says her weekend off was terrible. Her bf sent her flowers on Friday, so she had to spend all her time off with her legs open.

Co-worker asks, didn't you have a vase?

*ba-da-boom!* *tiss!*

[driver8]

88. Good thing I'm not drinking coffee...

I would have spit it all over the keyboard!

[buzzycrumbhunger]

74. WMD

At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set-square, a slide rule, and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney General John Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-Gebra is a fearsome cult," Ashcroft said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'there are 3 sides to every triangle'."

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes."

[enigmatic]

75. My favorite Bad Joke

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?

He worked it out w/ a pencil.

[driver8]

89. Oh man...good one!! n/t

[enigmatic]

76. My favorite Bad Joke

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?

He worked it out w/ a pencil.

[NMDemDist2]

77. do you know why babies are so fragile?

they're only held together with one screw

:evilgrin:

[Withywindle]

78. Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

Because it was dead.

[krispos42]

79. Why don't witches wear underwear?

To get a better grip on the broom!



<ba-dum ching!>





A guy is getting his annual physical, and his doctor asks him how his sex live is.

Guy says "Infrequently".


Doc asks "Is that one word or two?"



<ba-dum ching!>




Two Hassidic Jews walk into a bar in Brooklyn and say "ouch!"



<ba-dum ching!>





A guy is sitting at a bar, drinking, when another guy sits down next to him with a hardsided case. The second guy put sthe case on the bar, opens it, and pulls out a miniature grand piano, a small piano bench and a foot-high guy in a tuxedo with tails. The tiny man sits down at the piano and begins playing beautiful music.

People begin to gather around the music, and toss money into the open case to show their appreciation for the wonderful piano-playing.

Toward the end of the night, the first guy finally decided to ask the 2nd guy how he got the miniplayer.

"Well, I found a lamp with a genie trapped in side of it, and the genie was so thankful to be free he gave me a wish."

"Bull," says the first man.

"Here's the lamp!" the sencond mans says, and pulls a bronze oil lamp from a compartment in the case. "Here, take it, if you want. I've used up my wish and the genie won't respond to me anymore."

The first man looks skeptically at the lamp.

"Just be sure to say your wish really loud. The geini is pretty deaf" advised the second man.

"Why is that?" asks the first man.

"Do you really think I asked for a 12-inch pianist?"

<ba-dum shing!>

[driver8]

90. LOL -- Excellent!!

Thanks, those are great!

[Withywindle]

80. Knock knock

Who's there?


9/11.


9/11 who?



You said you'd never forget! :cry:

[Withywindle]

81. How do you know Mick Jagger's not a Scotsman?

If he were, the song would go, "Hey! McLeod! Get off of my ewe!"

[nomorenomore08]

86. Scottish jokes! Yay!

A: What's the quickest way to get from Glasgow to Edinburgh?

Q: Just shoot right through Dunblane!

:rofl: :hide:

[driver8]

91. Awesome..., good one!

I will definitely remember that one!

[BreweryYardRat]

84. Girl walks into a bar, sits down, hands the bartender a hundred...

...tells him to keep pouring booze until it's used up.

Bartender says, "Good Lord, what's gone wrong?"

Girl says, "I walked in on my best friend fucking my boyfriend."

Bartender says, "Well crap, what'd you do?"

Girl says, "I yanked my boyfriend out of bed, kicked him out of the house, and told him to never come back as long as he lived. Threw his jar of lube at him, too. Got him right between the eyes."

Bartender says, "Ouch. And what'd you do with your best friend?"

Girl says, "I turned to him and screamed, 'Goddamnit, Fido, I knew I should have had you neutered!"

[eridani]

85. What's purple and commutes?

An Abelian Grape.

[SalmonChantedEvening]

92. How many neocons does it take to make popcorn?

20. One to hold the pan and nineteen to shake the stove.

[old mark]

93. I called my wife, and I said," Darling I love you, and I'll never

forget the last time we had sex."

She said."Who is this?"

Rodney Dangerfield - my favorite joke.


mark

[Chemical Bill]

101. So Rodney hails a taxi...

and tells the driver to take him where he can find a hot broad who's ready to go. So the driver takes him to his own house!

He walks in, and there's a guy banging his wife. He screams "Who told you you could sleep with my wife?!" The guy says "Everybody did!"

[nomorenomore08]

110. So I says to my wife, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?"

And she says, "Because you're never around!" :evilgrin:

[AngryAmish]

96. The worst joke I know would get me kicked off this site, and maybe arrested.

I don't tell that one much.

[Chemical Bill]

102. I know that one.

I don't want to get arrested either.

Bill

[flying_wahini]

97. OK< OK< a great joke....

(My apologies to any Aggies out there - but this is the way I heard it....)

With a country twang.....



So 2 aggies are walkin down the road and they pass a

dog with his leg raised - lickin his balls...

So one aggie says "gee, shore wished I could do that!"

and the other aggie says....



(wait for it,)








ewwwwww, that dawg would bite you!!!!!!

[Chemical Bill]

103. Aggie's walking down the road...

with a pig under his arm. A farmer coming the other way says: Nice, where'd you get him. The pig says "Won him in a raffle".

[Mike 03]

98. Without a doubt, the worst most hideous joke I've ever heard came from

Jackie the Jokeman on the Howard Stern show. It's quasi-famous/notorious by now. I'm sure someone else can repeat it; I really can't. I can't remember the exact wording, but it's the kind of sick joke that once you hear you can never forget.

[FloridaJudy]

99. Two biscuits are baking in the oven.

The first one turns to his buddy and remarks "Whew! It's getting warm in here!"

The second one exclaims, "Holy crap! A talking biscuit!"








Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Fish.

Q: How many Freudians does it take to change a bulb?
A: Two. One to change the bulb and one to hold the penis...the ladder! I meant to hold the ladder!

[blockhead]

100. a man walks into his psychiatrists office

naked except for Saran Wrap wrapped around his body.

The psychiatrist looks at him and says, "I can clearly see your nuts."

[Chemical Bill]

104. Horse walks into a bar...

Bartender says "Buddy, why the long face?"

[Giant Robot]

105. Just cause we are nearing the time of the usual Michigan choke against Ohio State

How do you get an Ohio State graduate off your porch?


















Pay him for the pizza.

Go Blue!

[Pierre.Suave]

112. BWAHAHAHAH

Go Blue Indeed!

[frogmarch]

106. A knock-knock joke

Knock knock

Who's there?

Control freak. Now you say "control freak who."

[driver8]

109. "Control Freak who"?

[Lucian]

107. A tractor was driving down the road when it suddenly turned into a field.

Oh, you said bad jokes, not bad puns.

[sunnybrook]

108. Last night I dreamed I was a muffler

I woke up exhausted!

[doc03]

113. A guy is pumping gas in his car while talking on a cell phone

and the tank burps up on him and his sleeve catches fire. After another customer throws water on his sleeve and puts the fire out, a cop comes up and arrests him. What for?











For carrying an illeagal fire arm.

[doc03]

114. One of those conversion vans with the long whip antenna

goes around the corner downtown yesterday and the antenna hits a guy standing on the curb and kills him. What did the obituary say he died from? Van aerial disease.

[Lil Missy]

115. Have you heard about the venereal disease epidemic with birds?

It's a canarial disease that must be tweeted.

:hide:

[Shell Beau]

116. This thread is so silly! I am going to make like a baby and head out!

:P