I need help/answers from divorced/divorcing women who have no income of their own.

[crim son]

The husband, since my car exploded, has refused to speak to me. He had his reasons: I freaked when he told me I wasn't going to get my own house but would have to rent. Fair enough, I can deal with that. BUT I have no vehicle and there are doctors' appointments to take my kids to, and grocery shopping for the family that obviously can't be avoided. During the marriage he destroyed several cars and we always replaced them (with used... we never do new cars). Long story short, he has no plan to help me out and I have no money of my own and no real credit of my own since he has been Master of the 'Ouse all these years. I think I need to get a lawyer or something.

Hey! This is my first and only divorce and I haven't the smallest CLUE what to do, nor is there anybody within a thousand miles who might be able to help. So... help? By PM, please.

[BarenakedLady]

1. ...

:hug:

[crim son]

3. Thanks, BNL.

I'm not even sad any more, I'm just tired and pissed off. :hug: :hug: :hug:

[BarenakedLady]

10. Good luck

I both envy and don't envy you. But you know that.

:hug: :hug:

[crispini]

2. You absolutely MUST get a lawyer, ASAP.

Good luck. :hug:

[crim son]

4. As in, get the phone book and pick a name?

How do I pay for said lawyer?

[eyesroll]

7. Call your state bar or women's center for a referral.

Most have referral programs where you pay very little, or nothing at all, for the initial consultation.

After that, many lawyers are willing to set up payment plans. Sometimes, the court will order your ex to pay for the lawyer.

[crim son]

11. Okay, that sounds good.

It feels stupid, having put this off for so long.

[crispini]

8. Try google and look for "legal aid" and "pro bono" work + your state / city name.

Also, ask around for referrals. Do you have an active Democratic party organziation in your area? Local parties are usually chock full of lawyers. You're going to have to do some internet and real life sleuthing which only you can do (because you live in your area) but I have no doubt you will find someone. :hi:

[eyesroll]

12. "Sliding scale legal fees" is another good thing to look for.

Legal Aid is hard to qualify for--but do try. There are sometimes waiting lists, or requirements that the situations be violent. (They're operating with very limited resources.) I'm interning for a nonprofit this semester that does sliding-scale family law, where there wouldn't be a waiting list.

[crim son]

13. I will do the research.

Thank you.

[crispini]

17. Good luck.

Oh, it's no fun -- and I completely understand the feeling of having put something horrible off for so long. I am a world-champion procrastinator. It's sort of like this THING that you have let fester and sit in your life and have avoided looking at because it's shaming and embarrassing and difficult to face and then it gets worse because you don't face it.

Take comfort in the fact that taking steps ALWAYS will make you feel better -- you will start to get a grip on it and it will start to look smaller the more you look at it. Until someday "IT" will be finished, taken care of, no more. :D

[eyesroll]

5. Get a lawyer.

Spousal support, or alimony, isn't as automatic as it used to be, but it exists for situations like yours. A court can order it if he doesn't feel like contributing.

And whether you rent or own is your business, not his. (Yeah, in this market, you may not be able to buy with just spousal and child support, but that's not his choice.)

(Caveat: I'm not a lawyer yet, and not in your state. This is not legal advice.)

[crim son]

9. Don't worry;

I wouldn't hold you responsible for any move I might make!

[eyesroll]

14. :D

I still gotta put the caveat in there.

[RetroLounge]

6. Get a lawyer.

eom

RL

[crim son]

15. I guess I must.

I fucking hate this.

[RetroLounge]

18. This is not just for you, it's for the kids too...

and he does NOT get to tell you if you can rent or own. Only you and your finances determine that.

Sounds like someone still wants to exert his control over you.

Your lawyer can remind him (gently or otherwise) that he doesn't own you.

:hug:

RL

[Gormy Cuss]

16. Read this guide

http://law.findlaw.com/state-laws/divorce-legal-requirements/maine/

and I echo what everyone else said - get a lawyer. The couples that I've known who tried to do it themselves ended up with one side getting screwed in terms of assets. No guarantee with a lawyer that it won't happen too but at least you have a fighting chance.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

19. get a lawyer --

sometimes the Judge rules that your lawyer's fees and charges can be charged to your spouse in the divorce settlement.

[electron_blue]

20. Your situation is why lawyers were invented ;)

I pm'd you.

[philosophie_en_rose]

21. Numbers

I looked at your profile and found some numbers.

http://www.mbf.org/provider.htm#DIVORCE

Volunteer Lawyers Project - 1-800-442-4293 or 207-774-4348.

Cumberland Legal Aid Clinic - 780-4370 or 1-877-780-2522.

Lawyer Referral and Information Service (LRIS)- "for a $25 fee, LRIS will refer you to a member attorney who will not charge for the first half-hour of consultation." 1-800-860-1460 or go to www.mainebar.org/lawyer_need.asp for an online request form.

Legal Secretaries Association Family Law Project - "available in Kennebec and Somerset Counties. Experience legal secretaries are available at the Waterville District Court on the 1st and 3rd Wednesdays of each month from 9 a.m. to 12 p.m."

Maine Centers for Women, Work and Community (MCWWC) - 621-3437.

Penquis Law Project - Penobscot, Piscataquis and Knox Counties. 973-3671 or 1-800-215-4942.

Pine Tree Legal Assistance - Portland 774-8211; Bangor 942-8241; Presque Isle 764-4349; Augusta 622-4731; Machias 255-8656; Lewiston 784-1558.

[flvegan]

22. Get a sugar daddy.

Uh, I mean a lawyer. I agree with the others in that you need a lawyer.

[rug]

23. Get information.

http://www.mainelegislature.org/legis/statutes/19-A/title19-Asec951-A.html

[Shakespeare]

24. PLEASE get a lawyer before the assets from the house sale are "grabbable."

I thought you already had one--where assets like the house are concerned, and especially with his refusal to help you, you must retain an attorney ASAP to make sure you get a fair share of those assets. As others have pointed out, this is for your kids' benefit, as well as yours.

Good luck--I know this is a miserable thing to go through.

[buzzycrumbhunger]

25. BTDT

As stated, Legal Aid may help, but you may find it faster to go through a local women's shelter, who can not only get you a free consult with an atty. but also help get you financial assistance, vocational training, and other help.

Even if you have to make payments for the next 10 years, a great divorce attorney is worth her weight in gold. I actually took online courses and got a job first, and then the divorce took ages beyond that. Arsehole was determined to try to exercise control over me and did manage to drag things out, but in the end I wound up with the house, car, child support (this is retroactive to when you apply for it, so do that part NOW), and 10 years of alimony after they turned 18 (oops! somehow that managed to turn into 20 years on the final decree that he signed. . . :evilgrin: )

When you are awarded at least child support, have it set up so that he has to send his checks to the state, who will then forward it to you (usually by direct deposit). This makes him less apt to blow you off or be late and lets him know there's someone serious keeping an eye on his whereabouts. My ex left the state and I'm sure was disappointed to learn the state of FL still has a special thing for him.

The law is generally pretty good to women in our situation, but you need to be proactive and make sure you get what's coming to you. The main thing is to figure out how to support yourself ASAP so the rest is gravy, not your lifeline.

I have to say that I fell for that crap about sticking together "for the sake of the children," but it wasn't until I threw the marriage on the funeral pyre that I really did my kids any favors. They've both expressed being more inspired by my example as a strong woman than as a martyr.

Good luck!

[malta blue]

26. Since you have been apart, has he been providing you with

child support? In NYS, there is a formulaic amount which is given according to the number of children. I am not sure about your state, but he needs to at least support the kids.

And get thee to a lawyer post haste.

:hug: