My former mother-in-law is dying, so I felt it appropriate...

[rasputin1952]

to reiterate a few of the things I've learned over the years.

She has CHF, pneumonia and renal failure. I took my son over to the hospital today, and he burst into tears. I left them alone for a few minutes, she is unconscious, and when I returned, my son was holding her hand in his, and was making sure that she knew he was there. I found this exceptionally touching, especially with the attitudes some people have. She is a shell of the woman she once was. The hour is coming quickly, and she was a friend to me of the highest caliber. She worked her entire life, until she had a stroke a couple of years ago, it has been downhill since then.

She has seen her Great and Grandchildren, and she is ready to go.

Now, why I am writing this.

I would ask my family at DU to pursue a course of action in cases like this. I have seen people die most of my life, it comes with the territory when you spend a good portion of your time in the medical field. I have seen people die slowly and quietly, I have seen people that have been mangled and died in a millisecond and everything in between. One thing I have learned through all of these years, is that it is best to clear the air if you have a chance. Take the time to tell those who are at death's door how you feel, make amends for what you have done in the past, and talk of the good times you had together. You will not get another chance, and it may well haunt you through the rest of your life. It takes little effort, and sometimes requires that one swallow their pride, but it is worth every second if you can ensure that a person that is passing on is comforted.

Time and place are irrelevant, it is the act of forgiveness through love and concern that count. You will feel better, and the person that is leaving will be comforted. Trust me on this point, I know from experience, that to miss that last goodbye, and leaving things unsaid to hover in the air, will forge a chain that will be dragged throughout the rest of your life. You may try to quiet the feelings of guilt, but they will always be there; I know, I missed my father's death in 1965. I would give anything to tell him I loved him, but it was not to be. I haul this burden with me every day of my life, and a ponderous burden it is.

O8)

[Zhade]

1. My condolences.

Very true, what you said. It's always a good idea to let people know you love them.

[rasputin1952]

6. Thank you for your kind words...

breaking ties is always hard, but the love I saw in my son, (16), shows me that through thick and thin, this kid was raised to be compassionate. I am very proud of him.

O8)

[ayeshahaqqiqa]

2. You are so right

Jesus said in His personal spiritual practice forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us....translated from the original Aramaic, it can be said to mean-allow us to loosen the cords of anger and resentment we feel towards someone so that they can do the same.

[rasputin1952]

7. As a Christian, I can relate...

I do not always understand why some must suffer, but in the end, we all wind up free from pain and suffering.

O8)

[revree]

3. THis is so moving, and so critical for these mean and hostile times.

Thank you for sharing this. My Nana just passed away and I was so glad to be able to tell her I loved her. She was not a very nice person all the time, but that stuff is forgivable. We are all humans, and our purpose here is to love.

Your father knows you loved him. I believe that. Forgive yourself now and find peace.

[rasputin1952]

9. My condolences on your Nana...

I have been through this so many times, I feel like it is just another part of life now. I am happy to hear you got a chance to clear the air before the final event took its turn. There is always peace with understanding.

O8)

[hang a left]

4. Thank you.

May angels be sent to wrap their wings around you and your loved ones at this time.

[rasputin1952]

10. Thank you, I think angels have already visited her...

since she is unconcious, she cannot feel the pain. I hope this will be swift. Then we can regroup and carry on with conscience clear.

O8)

[liberalhistorian]

5. Thank you!

You are so right, and I'm sorry for what you're going through!

[shtinkycat]

8. So sorry for your pain

And thank you for sharing your timely wisdom.

[rasputin1952]

12. Welcome to DU!...

:hi: heck of a first post for you. Thank you for your kindness. Glad to have you on board, enjoy this great site!

O8)

[rasputin1952]

11. Thank you...

all things must pass. She goes before I, just as my father and my stepfather went before me. I think she is basically hanging on till the rest of the family gets here. It has been trying, just to get the logistics settled.

O8)

[jus_the_facts]

13. You have my sympathies......

.....I know your son has to be compassionate because YOU are so compassionate....I'm glad you both got to tell her how much she means to you before she passes...my best to ya'll Ras! :hug: :loveya:

[rasputin1952]

15. Thank you, it has been a little rough...

I know you can relate. How's your dad? I haven't seen an update or talked to you in ages!

:pals:

O8)

[jus_the_facts]

19. He's gettin' his *last* consolidation chemo treatment now.....

.....hopefully he'll stay in remission this time...just have to wait and see....he and Momma are supposed to move back up here in about a month...so I'm hopin' once he starts seein' another doc then maybe he'll get him to think really seriously about the bone marrow transplant...his current doc has waffled so much about it I don't know what to believe....so I can't wait for 'em to get settled here....where they'll be CLOSE to me again and I can be more help to Momma just in case things don't go as well as we hope they will. :hi: :hug: :*

[rasputin1952]

21. I hope he goes for the marrow transplant as well...

anything that would help put it in remission and aid in a quality of life.

I'm glad you're going to help your ma with the burden of taking care of him. Far too often, we forget how much of a burden it is on the non-afflicted person as well. Most people cover their despair rather well, but you will find them quietly sobbing in the wee hours of the morning, or when alone. Taking care of your dad while she goes to the store, or other chores makes it SO much easier than being constantly on the watch and on edge. Everyone needs time to re-amp their lives, and the best way is to just get away from the situation for a little while.

My hopes and prayer5s are with you all. Hang in there, the path is rough, but the rewards are beyond belief.

:pals: :hug: :loveya:

O8)

[Cleita]

14. First my sympathy for your loss.

I too have watched people close to me die over the years. I still haven't gotten used to it. You reminded me that my husband will be going soon. He fades a little each day but no one can predict how long it will be. Thanks for the helpful list of things to do before.

[rasputin1952]

16. Oh I am so sorry to hear that...

my thoughts and prayers are with you and yours. Losing a spouse id very difficult, far worse than a former mother-in-law.

Remember the good times the sunsets shared, the long walks, the sneaked kiss in the darkness. I have always believed there is far too much negativity in the world, and if we all recalled the good times we've had, we'd work harder to ensure we would always have good times.

May you find solace in the thought that you've both been lucky enough to find each other, and fortunate enough to stand together through all types of trials and tribulations.

I spent many an hour in a hospital I worked at South of Seattle, holding the hands of the dying because I firmly believe that no one should die alone. Families, for various reasons, often found themselves alienated from what was happening. Perhaps it brings too close to home our own mortality, I don't know. But death should be a mere turning point, after all it is inevitable for all of us.

Sometimes, lately, I will just get some flowers together and place them on an anonymous untended grave, just so that the living will know that the dead are not forgotten. I have always believed in random acts of kindness.

O8)

[Desertrose]

17. Not the easiest of times...my thoughts are with you rasputin1952

I agree...I learned that early...that no matter what ...I try to always treat people I love like it may be the last time I see them and when I say goodbye-even for a short time- I let them know I love them.

Came close to losing my Mom a few times before I actually did and I learned it was the best thing I could do to just tell her how much she meant to me and how happy and grateful I was for the time we had together. Loving someone is never wrong....nor is sharing it....

When I got back east before Mom passed I had about two days with her and even though she wasn't conscious at all- she knew I was there cause a few hours before I got there, she told one of the nurses "my daughter is coming-sheis almost here". We had a lovely visit....when she finally "walked on" the room was so full of family to welcome her over I was almost sorry I couldn't go along.

Yes the angels are there with you all , even as we share this......blessings to you and your dear sweet lady and children.

I missed the chance to say that final in-person goodbye to my father,too. But its never too late to say the things we want or need to say to our loved ones....


:hug:
DR

[rasputin1952]

22. Thank you for your sharing your experiences...

I know what you are saying about your mom staying on until you got there. I have seen this phenomenon many times when I worked in the hospital, just as if the person was waiting for that specific individual to come in...they know what is happening, it is as if they can see from a different plane, (or is it just hope?).

In any case, I find it a warming of the soul when the air is cleared, and all of the old clutter is shoved aside and forgiven. When people died just a few generations ago, they usually died at home, surrounded by family and friends. We have changed as a culture in many ways and one of them is the sterile way we look at death now. Hospital deaths are far too often lonely affairs. I would sit with people when I had down time, just so they would not be alone, families were too distant, or just didn't find it appropriate to come in and deal with the situation. Kindness and love for our fellow humans goes a long way in how people deal with this situation.

O8)

[Name removed]

18. Deleted message

Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

[nini]

20. What a touching post..

you are so right in that we need to tell those we love how we feel about them and not wait until it is too late.

Peace to all of you in this difficult time. Your son sounds like a fantastic young man, you have done a wonderful job with him.

[rasputin1952]

23. Thanks, and I am proud of my son...

he has a deep spiritual sense, and is the product of my ex's during the first years. He has a heart of gold, but, like others his age, often fails to use it, and "knows everything". Just like his old man...lol.

Our children are our hope for a better world, and he knows this, I'm proud that he has taken the higher road in most of his decision making. I am flabbergasted occasionally at the amount of compassion he has, especially for the poor and downtrodden.

O8)

[Darth_Kitten]

24. You did the right thing by your son....

Later on, after his grief has lessened somewhat, he will appreciate having been there for his grandmother.
Please don't burden yourself with guilt or regrets that you missed your father's death. It's an unfair thing to do to yourself. I don't know the particulars of your father's death or relationship with him, but I know that anybody who ever loved us wishes happiness for us, not sadness or regret. Remember the warmth and the good times.

:grouphug: My heart goes out to you and your family.

[rasputin1952]

27. With me, I was a 13 yo rebel, and the death was excruciatingly long...

took almost 2 years; colon cancer in the mid-60's was not as treatable as it is now. My mom and dad thought it best if I go to MD w/my aunt for the final few days. My aunt was a retired schoolteacher and had a magnificent mind. We went to Antietam and Gettysburg, she gave me my love for history. To hear her tell stories of the battles, you would swear she had seen them firsthand.

My dad died on 4 Jul 65, while I was at a fireworks display. I can recall that the biggest and brightest blast had my fathers face in it, and I knew he had just died. The next day, on of my uncles told me the sad truth and we took a flight to NYC for the funeral and my return home. What has made this a ponderous burden, is that I had not come close to being anything I was capable of, and far from my father's expectations at that time. He had no problem w/me being a rebellious youth, he had problems w/the direction I was sending that rebellion.

I changed my ways years ago, and have since realized that I have, in essence, become my father. Funny how that happens after one has children of their own.

O8)

[gorrister]

25. I offer my sincere condolences as well

n/t

[rasputin1952]

28. Thank you...

n/t

[woofless]

26. Truer words were never spoken.

All you young folks take heed. Dad committed suicide 4 days after I last talked to him. I was totally clueless. The only consolation AT ALL was the fact that we had expressed out mutual love. JT said it best.

"Shower the people you love with love,
Tell them the way that you feel."

[rasputin1952]

29. So sorry to hear that...

saddness crosses all barriers and boundaries. I think it is good that you had the last time together. You have my sincere sympathy.

While I do not condone suicide, I understand that it happens for varied reasons, most of them unknown to us. In any case, the pain is never lessened, and tears pour freely for those we've loved and lost.

O8)