If you're in a long term relationship with someone, and you haven't had sex in YEARS

[XemaSab]

what does that say about the relationship?

Can the people still love each other? And if one or both parties seek sex outside the relationship, what does that say about the strength of the relationship? :shrug:

[Withywindle]

1. I was in a situation like that.

It suuuuuuuuuuuuucked. Fortunately, my partner at the time and I were on the same page philosophically about polyamory, and I got my sex needs met with some short-term flings that were scorching hot but...

...still didn't really compensate for the pain of my long-term partner repeatedly sexually rejecting me. We broke up eventually. No third party involved at the time.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

2. My dear Xema...

If the absence of sex is mutually agreed-upon, then I don't see it as a problem...

Some folks just aren't very interested in it...

And of course they can still love one another!

There are many ways to show love, besides sex. But if one or both parties seek sex outside their relationship, unless they have agreed to have an open one, says trouble to me...

:shrug:

[Withywindle]

3. I agree - if it's MUTUALLY agreed-upon.

In a lot of these situations, though, it's not - thinking about my ex in the post above, when I agreed to move in with him, be his girlfriend, marry him....well, it wasn't a platonic "roommate" deal I signed on for!

He definitely loved me in some sense and could be very affectionate - but I didn't want to be just a hot-water-bottle or a cuddly bed-warming dog or a teddy bear, which is how it started to make me feel.

[Deja Q]

13. My dear CaliforniaPeggy, you are right-on, out-of-sight, and DYN-O-MITE!

:yourock:

[Chan790]

4. It depends on the people.

Me? I could not stay in that relationship.

[Shell Beau]

5. I think a relationship can exist beyond sex.

However, I think humans naturally want/need sex soooo that leaves that. What would be the reasons for no sex? No desire? No attraction? I think it all depends on the couple and the circumstances. If sex were to occur outside the relationship, both parties would have to HONESTLY be ok with it. And being sure of that is iffy at best. IMO, I think most relationships would fail these circumstances eventually, but I said most. Who knows? I can only go by what I know. And I am in a sexual relationship and my relationship would not survive outside sexual encounters.

[moriah]

6. Your question struck me....

... as I am currently in a relationship very much like what you described.

The reason?

My gentleman has severe back problems. He's had surgery and at least he can walk now, for a year after the accident he was in a chair and had to learn to walk again. When we first got together we were very passionate... so passionate he would barely be able to walk after, and not in a good way.

It's gotten worse since then, and there's nothing the doctors can do. He doesn't want to go the pain medication route because even with the fusions he ca hurt himself easily and he's afraid that if he takes painkillers they will not only fog his mind but make him more likely to overdo and damage the fusions. The damage to his back has also damaged some of his nerves that are in that area, and it takes *forever* for him to finish... by the time he's gotten to the most pleasurable part, he's in agony.

He spent a few hours hanging drywall and was hurting so badly that I offered him half a Tramadol -- he said he nearly felt like he was having an out of body experience because the pain that is so much a part of him vanished, and he was terrified to move much because he uses his pain to tell him when to stop or not bend a certain way.

I love him too much to insist that he hurt himself just so we can have sex.

Besides, there are toys, I have no desire to be with anyone else but him. Children may be an issue later, but right now we aren't in the financial shape we'd like to be in before we have kids. Doctors can do pretty amazing things.

He's the best man I've ever met and I want to be by his side until the day I die.

[Indi Guy]

7. What a wise and loving person you are...

If I were in your man's shoes, I couldn't imagine having a better woman in my life.

[PBS Poll-435]

8. Please give him a kiss on the cheek for me.

And for you. Your story has made the "good" tears come.

[Indi Guy]

9. Her story moves me deeply as well...

...for many reasons.

All I can say is that I wish my previous taste in women included women of Moriah's class.

[Midlodemocrat]

17. Wow. You are am amazing person. What a wonderful post.

[billyskank]

10. It says it's a non-sexual relationship.

What more is there to say? If one or both parties seek sex outside the relationship, it means that they want it. Whether they want it with each other is another matter.

[SammyWinstonJack]

11. .

:thumbsup:

[bridgit]

12. The pantheon of human sensuality & eroticism is too vast to be labored beneath...

so simple a word as: sex. Though the word: sex, is able to be fixed above the lentil to it i.e for some peeping through a keyhole as a young woman brushes her hair is a form of sex; for reference read from Yukio Mishima’s masterwork: The Sea of Fertility - Spring Snow, wherein great and tender cares are afforded the literary eroticism symbolized in the tiny hairs on the back a women's neck...too much of the rest is just Viva Viagra for men and now women. It speaks to a society that will accept nothing less than the old sloppy in & out, someone's release somewhere, and the pearl neckless/money shot and that is what passes for sex in America. Maybe too often even stickier than that.

Seeking sex outside an otherwise healthy relationship may be a sign of something else occurring. It may be an indicator of 'risk behaviors' found within addictive personality types. People are able to become addicted to all kinds of stuff: chocolate, food, slasher movies, shopping, gambling, race cars, and yes Jennifer: sex! To a significant extent the junkie becomes addicted to 'the life', the run-up, the dalliance, the back & forth, the score, the rush (the rush is 'the thing', the rush...is the sex), and the release...the release is the come down. But soon it starts all over again. And some will try to attain that, it is hoped, ever-greater rush at any cost.

Even if that cost is to the ones we have exchanged vows with or indeed are said to be in love with witness: John Edwards.

People want better, or more focused sex in their relationships? They may want to consider learning how to be sexier people. Rationalizing sex outside, again, an otherwise healthy relationship seems no long term solution to me. Nor does handing money to a junkie for an addiction they should be dealing with themselves.

[Haole Girl]

15. Great post, bridgit

:thumbsup:

[Tuesday Afternoon]

14. I would call that relationship "Friendship"

No wonder either or both are looking for sex...that is something else entirely. Strong Marriages have been built on friendship.

[Midlodemocrat]

16. I think it depends. My FIL had ED as a result of heart disease

and diabetes, but it certainly didn't dim their love for each other. They were completely over the moon with each other until they each passed.

If you love the person, I don't think that a physical ailment that prevents sex says anything about the relationship. It's private, people don't need to know. (the only reason I know, as a matter of fact, is my FIL asked Mr.Midlo about ED drugs and we were concerned because of his heart issues)

If there are no physical issues, I think it might mean that either person might need to seek satisfaction elsewhere and I'm not talking about cheating; I'm talking about ending the relationship.