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Just keep in mind; Affairs don't kill a marriage, how one responds to them does.
My marriage was destroyed because she refused to communicate with me about her wants and needs, only saying; "I shouldn't have to". I spent years begging her, sometimes on my knees to come to ME with her problems, especially her problems with me rather than complaining about me behind my back to all her friends and family.
I kept telling her that things just don't get worked out that way and the only one that can help her fix her issues and work on our marriage with her was me.
She didn't like that I was upset that she didn't talk to me... so she complained about it to her friends and family. x(
Ultimately, after going through a rough period that included depression, instead of helping me back to my feet with just the tiniest gesture, like a hug once in a while, she found a multi-millionaire and took off. Didn't even give anything, including counseling, a chance to work.
Why would she? If things worked out, she'd have to give up her millionaire. :eyes:
I'm certainly not upset for losing such a selfish, spineless, unworthy child, it's just the sheer disappointment in watching this person I had so much hope for choose to be so shallow a girl rather than ever become the magnificent woman I'd always wanted to help her become.
That she walked away thinking what she'd done was right, and knowing the psychology of the situation and how she has to make up excuses, even lies, to justify despising me so that she doesn't have to face what she's done, is what really bothers me.
Ultimately, however, what she's done will be the same death of every relationship she has until she realizes what she's done.
As for you, it's not over yet.
If you still have dreams of a good future with him, and there's reason to believe he really does care about you, then you need to find out why he's doing what he's doing and decide whether it's actually a threat to your marriage.
Affairs themselves don't kill marriages, it's the reasons behind the affairs and the reactions of the spouse that do.
One of the reasons spouses react badly to affairs is because they take it as an indication of their own failing, that they are somehow 'inadequate' for their partner. That may not always be the case. Some people cheat just because they want something 'different' once in a while, a different 'energy' a different 'feel'... but in reality there's no one they want more than their own spouse.
I know it seems corny, but yes, variety is the 'spice of life'. In other countries with older cultures than ours, the idea of cheating is accepted... although it can create a much more complex dynamic in a marriage. Ultimately, there are couples who can have affairs and still be genuinely in love with each-other.
Unfortunately, when the perp has dismissive intentions, or does it with the intention of spiting you, then it's time to give an ultimatum or just dump the creep. He needs to SHOW you that you are really number 1 in his life... somehow. You need get on top of things, but you can't let your own insecurities get in the way.
If you can't directly solve the issue through him, but you believe he may well be sincere, then it's time to get all over the situation. Go through phone records, emails, whatever it takes to find this chippie. Call her. Be sincerely pleasant as though talking to a new friend... no matter how hard it may seem to be. Say, "Hi, is this _______? Oh, it's really great to finally chat, I've heard good things about you from *hubby* and I think maybe we should talk. I'd like to get to know you a little bit."
From there, if you can engage in some meaningful or fun 'girl talk', the next thing you know, you da' woman. Managing hubby and your own insecurity will get easier that way, and you'll have a much better idea of whether to salvage or give up on your marriage.
I hope things work out, and I hope he's worth it.
Thank you.
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