I would consider "cybering" ('sex' over the i.m/chat) to be cheating.

[mdmc]

:(
What say you DU?

[taterguy]

1. Cheating is defined by the parties involved

If you don't want your spouse / SO to know about it, you probably shouldn't do it

[RagAss]

2. Jeeeez I'm old...I don't even know what this means.

[mdmc]

6. the troubles of dating the young

I had never heard of it either..

[Lil Missy]

3. Yeah. That would unsettle me.

If it is not an open option agreed upon up front, then it would be a deal breaker for me.

I'm sorry. :-(

[Drunken Girlfriend]

4. Re:Cyber sex

Cyber sex/and or phone sex is cheating in my opinion,
because it is done without the knowledge of your partner,
for the purpose of getting off/possibly meeting someone.

If you choose to have cyber sex with your partner present,
that is totally different.

But from what I hear,most couples do not have cyber sex together,
as there would be no need to if you can satisfy each other.

[LostinVA]

5. I also think it's cheating

It's something I would divorce over.

[rug]

7. Are you touching yourself?

[Lyric]

8. I don't think anyone can define "cheating" for anyone else.

We all set our default boundaries in different places, and that's valid and fair. Nobody has the right to tell you that you "shouldn't" be hurt because it "isn't" cheating unless you specifically agreed to permit that in the first place. If your partner doesn't like your boundaries, that's a topic for potential discussion, but he/she has no right to tell you that your personal boundaries are wrong--nor does anyone else.

That being said, within *my* personal boundaries, "cyber" is not cheating unless there's some emotional component involved, which makes it a threat to the core relationship. Random cyber, to me, is really no different than watching porn or calling a 900 line, neither of which makes me feel threatened. If my partner was "cybering" with someone that she knows well and has an emotional and/or real-life attachment to (like an ex-gf or a co-worker,) that's entirely different. That's not random enough to qualify as mere fantasy for me, so that would be "cheating." But if it was a total stranger met through IM or something--a one-time-only thing, like calling a 900 line? That wouldn't upset me. In fact, I'd probably find it kind of amusing.

However, *my* boundaries are not yours, and you have every right to define your own limits about such things without anyone else (including your partner) telling you that those limits are wrong/misplaced/too strict. If your partner doesn't like your boundaries, he/she can choose to leave the relationship, but so long as he/she wants to be with you, those limits need to be respected unless you have specifically talked about it and agreed upon it beforehand.

I don't really know if your post was about you, personally, so just take the "you" in what I wrote to mean a general "You."

:hug:

[Lil Missy]

9. What do you think?

[mdmc]

10. I agree with you my friend

:(

[Lil Missy]

12. I'm so sorry.

Where do you go from here?

[mdmc]

13. not sure my friend

not sure...

I keep comin back to the Buk (Charles Bukowski) line when he found out his hitchjob had hooked up with a bartender he hated. "I can't handle the scene. I should become a monk." - from BARFLY

[no name no slogan]

11. If it was my relationship, I would consider it cheating

but people have different definitions of cheating. So your mileage may vary.

[KitchenWitch]

14. I agree

It all boils down to intent.

[My Good Babushka]

15. What are you wearing? nt

[PassingFair]

18. Good God!

Now we're ALL compromised!

[MajorChode]

16. What about wanking?

[harmonicon]

17. compared to actual intercourse?

One could lead to things that would destroy a relationship for me, and the other certainly would immediately. They're pretty different. The same way that I think it would be different if someone said "I could hit you", vs. having them hit me.