I just have to post this and hope I get some honest answers

[The Straight Story]

You have three young kids and you are separated from your X and can't see your kids, and it is the holidays (Christmas/Thanksgiving/whatever the ones that meant something special to you).

You are with someone new, and you are depressed and missing your kids. Instead of being super happy and enjoying the holidays you feel sad, but you also feel happy to be with your new love.

Sometime later your new love starts yelling at you and telling you that you have ruined their holidays because of your emotional issues.

You did your best (or so you thought) during these times and now feel guilty about being down. In the midst of all this people close to you died as well, most of them around the same holidays.

And to top it all off, the one you have loved all these years and said they loved you leaves you after 10 years during the same holiday season. One of the reasons they cite is that you made their holiday's bad because you were sad.

You went through major losses - death and separation - and they did not, you tried to deal and be happy but could just not put on the happy face all the time.

So I ask - would you feel guilty about it all? Like you could have done better?

I ask because that is where I am right now. Through the death of two best friends, mom, her friends and my neighbors, x wife dying, finding my kids after 8 years of not seeing them (and dealing with many years of not seeing them and wondering where they were and how they were), and way more than I can put into a short post I find myself facing an X who says I ruined her holidays because I was not happy during them enough. That I was not as excited and into them.

I could have done better and tried my best I thought, and maybe I was just selfish for being down. Maybe I just did not have the tools to deal with my issues and am therefore at fault here.

How would you react? How should I have reacted during this period?

I feel bad for being down when I was and wish I could have been more positive. If she reads this ever I hope she knows it was not intentional, and that I tried to be happy.

It was not that she was not important enough to me, it was that I had a lot of other things going on at the same time.

And now I am in that place again - I don't see my little girl everyday like I used to, and I miss her, and it makes me sad on Holidays especially. I miss having and being a family, and that hurts more so on certain days of the year.

Should I just get over it and move on and not let it affect me anymore? Am I screwed up because it does? Life does not come with a manual and I am not sure how to handle my emotions...

[Gormy Cuss]

1. You probably will move on but on your own timetable.

As to whether you're screwed up because of your emotional state, this is not the place to ask that question. You sound isolated --maybe a grief support group or a few sessions with a counselor would help you manage better during this time of such profound loss and change.

The only thing that I'd say is that it sounds like your ex is dealing with her own emotional baggage when she says you ruined the holidays because you weren't happy. Even if she initiated the breakup it's still an emotional time for her. Don't dwell on it and don't feel guilty. Instead, try to find a way to move back to a positive emotional state --again, on your own timetable and if at all possible with the help of others--professionals, family, friends --whatever it takes.
:hug:

[Ohio Joe]

2. Of course it will affect you but...

You also have to keep moving forward. Its really all you can do. Some people will understand and others will not, it is not something you have any control over. Seven months ago I lost my job and I'm still looking for another one. Six months ago my apartment burned to the ground and I lost pretty much everything I owned. I'm still waiting for the insurance company to cough up what they owe me. Some of the people I know avoid me, others have out and out said they don't want to be around me because I'm just not that much fun any more. If I think about it a lot it really bothers me and I feel like it is my fault but its really not. Fuck'em, I can't control other people and neither can you. All you can do is whats best for you each day so you can move in a forward direction.