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ByTor and the CreekDog
At the request of TZ, here is the true tale (at long last revealed!) of the Great Falling Out: the schism that occurred between Geddy Lee and CreekDog. Many have wondered what happened to cause such consternation on the part of CreekDog. Here is the story…
Many years ago, before the days of the Lounge, a dark force ruled the lands of men. There was no joy, no passion, no freedom, and no indoor plumbing. Two friends, ByTor and CreekDog grew up in this misery, and wondered why things were this way. They asked many people: their parents, their friends, the Wolfram Alpha search engine. All to no avail.
“Maybe that just beith the way it is,” suggested CreekDog. “Perhaps some things wilt not change.”
“Bah!” ByTor replied. “I doth not believe them!”
“Then what shalt we do?”
“I haveth an idea. Come thou with me.”
“Where doth we be going?” CreekDog asked.
“Last night,” ByTor answered, “whilst I was doing my nekkid yoga, I had a vision. A sorceress, all nekkid and stuff, she spoke and said, ‘Behold, I have the answers which thou seekest. Come thither to me, and I will enlighten thee.’ This is the one we seek.”
“Who is this sorceress?”
“She called herself ‘TZ.’ Come, let us boogie with great haste.”
I) At the Tobes of Hades
Beyond the forests of Hades, they came across a cottage. In the yard of this cottage was a sign which said, “TZ, Sorceress and StrangeBabe.”
“Verily,” ByTor said, “this is the place.”
“Aye. Go thou and knock on the door.”
ByTor went to the door, and found that it was just a curtain. He looked for something solid to knock on, but found nothing. He glanced back at CreekDog. “I canst not find her knockers.”
“Thou hast no need to touch mine knockers!”
ByTor and CreekDog jumped in shock. Standing around the side of the cottage was the sorceress they sought: the great TZ.
“Art thou the one they call, ‘TZ?’” CreekDog asked.
“Dude!” ByTor said. “Readeth thou the previous sentence! Of course it beith her!”
“Aye, it is I. And I knoweth why thou hast come seeking for me.”
“Wow!” uttered CreekDog.
“I can help thee in thy quest. Come into my cottage, and we will speak of what is to come.”
The pair entered the cottage, with the sorceress close behind.
“You wish to know why the hearts of men are heavy? I know the answer.”
“Tell us! Verily, we art all ears.”
“The dark forboding that everyone feels is the work of the Evil One. The One whose name cannot be told, only found. I will not speak the name, for verily you wouldst forget it immediately anyway. However, when you take your quest to meet the Evil One, you will discover the identity on your own.”
“Where shouldst we go?” CreekDog asked.
“The Evil One,” TZ answered, “lies across the river Styx. Takest thou thine boat and cross this river. Then—and only then—wilt thou find the villain thou seekest. But beware. As thou crosseth, you will be possessed; this possession will cause thee to sing a song. Most of the song doth not be important. BUT, at the end of the song, the identity of the Evil One will be revealed. This is how you will find thine enemy. Do not stop singing the song until the end, lest thy boat sink, and thou loseth sight of the one thou seekest. Now go, quickly! My soaps are about to come on.”
The two friends left quickly. “The thought of crossing the Styx scareth me a little,” said ByTor. “But if it doth lead to the salvation of mankind, I wilt gladly pee myself a few times.”
“Okay, but doith it on thine side of the boat, if thou mindest not,” CreekDog replied. “I am frightened a little as well. This TZ seemeth wise; I truly hopeth he is right.”
“She,” ByTor corrected.
“She.”
II) Across the Styx
The pair climbed into their boat, which they named the Rosanante, and started across the river. Not long after setting adrift, eerie synthesizer music filled the air, and they were overtaken by the desire to sing. So sing, they did.
Hey there MrCoffee, so nice to meet thee,
Mata ah-oo hima de
Ho there MrCoffee, so nice to meet thee,
Himitsu wo shiri tai
I need some caffeine now (Latte, latte, I need a latte)
Just get it, don’t care how (Latte, latte, I need a latte)
Espresso would be cool (Latte, latte, I need a latte)
Watch out, before I drool
I’ve got this movie I’ve been watching for two hours straight
It’s getting boring, I need some sleep now, it sure seems quite late
So if you hear me snoring softly don’t wake me up
Just get my pillow and my slippers; or get me a cup
Of some strong coffee-some real stout coffee
Some strong coffee with lots of caffeine
I’m not awake yet, I’m barely conscious, I know it sounds dumb
I’d like some coffee, nicely flavored, could you get me some?
A pumpkin latte, a macchiato, I don’t really care
Just get me something to wake me up now and end this nightmare
This movie nightmare-do you even care?
It’s such a nightmare, like witches from Blair.
At last, the movie ends! (Latte, latte, I need a latte)
A football game begins. (Latte, latte, I need a latte)
The Cowboys take the field (Latte, latte, I need a latte)
This nightmare just won’t yield
Romo is an asshole, just like that Bono, uh oh, Romo, Romo no-no
Romo is an asshole, just like that Bono, uh oh, Romo, Romo no-no
Thank ye very muchee, oh MrCoffee
For getting me this vente pumpkin spice latte
And thank ye very muchee, oh MrCoffee
For helping me wake up and turn off the tv
Thank ye-thank ye-thank ye
I want to thank ye-please, thank ye
Oooooooooooooooooooo
The problem's plain to see. You found out from TZ
The Evil One is near. Let’s get it into gear
The time has come at last (Evil, evil, let’s see some evil)
To throw away this mask (Evil, evil, let’s see some evil)
Now everyone can see (Evil, evil, let’s see some evil)
Her true identity...
It's Midlo! Midlo! Midlo! Midlo!
ByTor came out of his daze and saw the Evil One standing on the other side of the river: Midlo, bearer of the quints. Her five minions, which she had given birth to all at once, were ready to join her in battle. ByTor looked over at CreekDog, who was still in a trance.
“Dude, wakest thou up!” ByTor commanded.
“Too much time on my hands. Too much time on my—huh?” CreekDog sobered immediately at the sight of Midlo. He looked back at ByTor.
“Let’s do this thing!” ByTor said.
III) Of the Battle
Midlo saw the two approaching, and immediately sent the quintuplets after them. ByTor and CreekDog were assailed mercilessly, but they were so confident in their abilities, that they struck down the quints in alphabetical order: Chardonnay, DS2, Fredda Phelps, Frederick Phelps, and idiot6, Jr.
Midlo cried out in anger, “Shitteth! You have defeated my offspring. I must go post on Facepapyrus, and wallow in my despair, but I shalt return! Goeth thou nowhere!”
Challenge and Defiance
Midlo posted much on the website, and then returned to the challengers.
“I challenge thee to battle!” Midlo screamed.
“We defy thee!” the duo replied.
7/4 War Furor
Immediately the dice-rolling began. And after much flinging, ByTor yelled, “Bunco!”
“No! Fucketh!” Midlo screamed, and promptly vanished in a hazy fog. Also, her assistant, Symarip the Agitated, was vanquished with her.
Aftermath
Post-War interview
Marv Albert: Hi, this is Marv Albert. I’m here with Midlo, who was just crushingly defeated by ByTor and the CreekDog. Midlo, your thoughts?
Midlo: This sucketh greatly.
MA: After your defeat, you’ll be banished to the netherworld for a thousand years. What kind of training routine do you think you’ll use during that time? Are you planning to switch coaches?
M: I hath not thought that far ahead. I supposeth I should do more pilates, though.
MA: Do you think you should have tried a different defense against ByTor and the CreekDog?
M: It mattereth not. Their Bunco skills were clearly superior. Yet even in my defeat, I shalt strike a most serious blow: I will curse them with sterility. They shall be barren, and their sons, and their sons’ sons, yea, even until the fifteenth generation.
MA: Wow, an ominous curse, but I’m not sure you’ve really thought that one through.
M: How so?
MA: (whispers in Midlo’s ear)
M: Oh, fucketh. Very well, how about this? Their victory shalt cost them their names and their friendship. Verily, from this day forward, they shalt be called Geddy Lee and DoucheDog. And their friendship shall sour like a mighty flame war.
MA: Wow, a powerful curse. Still, all-in-all, you really sucked it up out there.
M: Shuttest thou the fuck up, Marv.
MA: Bite me.
M: Oh, you’d like that, wouldn’t thou?
MA: DTM.
M: What?
MA: Dead to Marv.
M: DTM means Dead to Midlo, thou freeper.
MA: Whatev.
M: I’m outta here.
MA: Yessss!
Hymn of Triumph
Once Midlo was vanquished, light returned to the lands of men. People experienced joy and happiness, and started barbecuing again. A ceremony was held to celebrate the bravery and awesomeness of ByTor and the CreekDog.
“We art gathered here today in the awesome land of PAJersey,” said BarbarianBeachBabe, “to celebrate that which is most kick-ass: the triumph of— ” Suddenly, her tongue was halted (even though Pious the Prurient was inside baking cookies). A wave of unease drifted over the gathered crowd. “The triumph of—” Again her speech was halted in confusion. Then, as suddenly as it came, the unease disappeared, allowing the topless host to continue. “We art gathered here today to celebrate the triumph of Geddy Lee and DoucheDog over the forces of the evil Midlo and her various minions.” The crowd cheered, as the two warriors took the stage.
“To celebrate thy victory,” the BarbarianBeachBabe continued, “we give unto thee a medal, and a box of porn.”
Again the crowd cheered. After receiving their prizes, the duo stepped up to the microphone to address their fans.
“I wouldst like to thank my savior, Tim Tebow, for this victory,” ByTor-cum-Geddy Lee said. “I couldst not have been victorious without his quarterbacking skills. I couldst have done without DoucheDog, however. Verily, I say to thee all, he wast dead weight.”
The crowd gasped. DoucheDog pushed Geddy from the microphone. “Gettest thou the fuck out! I played a most important role, yea, integral to the victory! Thou, on the other hand, wast as useful as the Washington Natinals!”
“As if!” Geddy retorted. “It wast my rolling that secured the final bunco!”
“Bah! Your rolling was incidental to the war. I beith the fuck out of here! Thou suckest the immense one!” And with that, DoucheDog left, and settled the lands of San Francisco.
“Thou hast better run, lest thou suffer the Great Ganking of the Geddy.” And Geddy left, to settle the lands of Toronto, start an awesome band, and score greatly with Canadian chicks.
IV) Epilogue
There are those who believe that if you listen closely on the stillest of nights, you can hear two voices singing (as they once did in the dark times),
And the men who hold high places
Must be the ones who start
To mold a new reality…
Only to be interrupted by, “Shuttest thou the fuck up! I care not for this music anymore!” And upon those outbursts, a smile crosses the face of Midlo.
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