Dating etiquette: Who pays?

[prolesunited]

Just wondering where DUers fall on this issue. It would be interesting to know if there are differing views between men and women, so feel free to elaborate.

Bonus round: If it was really expensive/special, is there an expecation of sex afterward?

[GOPisEvil]

1. Each situation is different.

My last girlfriend was a student at the time we were dating, so I paid for almost everything, and did so happily.

Nowadays, if I ask someone out, I pay. I'm not above letting my date pick up the next check to make things more even. I'd rather trade off than split checks every time. Edit - however, most of the time, I will offer to pay even if I didn't do the asking.

Expectation of sex? What kind of cad do you think I am? :P

[nini]

18. I agree - mostly

I'm the type that will fight for the check and this applies to this stuff too. For too long I didn't have much money, now that I can afford things I want to treat others.


HOWEVER, if the guy is loaded and it was HIS idea - he gets to pay the FIRST time. If you keep seeing someone, you should share the costs.

Expectation of sex?!?! well, if I'm PAYING he better put out.. (I'm kidding) :evilgrin:

[GOPisEvil]

21. Heck, buy me a double-double at In 'n' Out and I'm all yours!

They HAVE to open an In 'n' Out here in TX - they'd make a mint! :D

[nini]

24. No In n Out???!?! you poor guy!

Those are very yummy burgers. Have you had a Tommy burger? :9


I'm sitting here on a little lunchbreak eating a can of tuna.. no bread etc.., very boring, and now I've got double-doubles on the brain! Might have to go get a protein style one on the way home.

[GOPisEvil]

25. I forgot that you are doing low-carb!

We may not have In 'n' Out, but we have Whataburger. It's not the same though.

But, since I chose healthier eating, I have to minimize my hamburger intake. It's the fries that get me though...

[nini]

26. Do you have Red Robin's down there?

they have an awesome veggie burger. I like that patty better than beef.

As far as Atkins I try and not eat too much beef and fat too. I know you can eat it but doesn't mean you HAVE to.


I need to behave for a while.. this cruise is coming up in 5 weeks and I've got to be able to breath in my formal attire :-)

[GOPisEvil]

31. No Red Robin

Will you be able to stay on program on the cruise? My parents always talk about how much food there is on cruises.

[nini]

34. yeah.. I'm not a huge sweets person so I manage

The hardest part is the bread and pastas at dinner. Breakfast and lunch are fine but dinner is the hard part.

I bring those carb blocker pills for those dinners where I know I'm going to eat what I want. Then just vodka to drink or red wine - Those aren't too bad.

I figure I've done good if I don't gain anything or just a pound or two when I get home.

But to be honest.. if there's something I really want to eat or drink I go ahead and do it. It's a vacation after all! :-)

[Buns_of_Fire]

28. When I lived in Dallas, I kinda LIKED Whataburger!

(I'm a cheap date. ;-) )

[GOPisEvil]

32. Whataburger's great!

Especially after a night of drinking. :-)

[Fitzovich]

2. My thoughts

The lady does not pay.

[neverborn]

3. 100% Agreed.

*nods*

[prolesunited]

4. You seem quite certain of that

What if she makes more money than you? What if she offers? What if she wants to?

[Fitzovich]

9. I am

Exceptionally certain of that.

[prolesunited]

13. Care to elaborate?

Perhaps addressing rbnyc's comments below.

Would you simply not date a woman who would want to pay, even just once in awhile?

[rbnyc]

12. What if she wants to pay?

Sometimes I really enjoy being the hostess, taking out my sweety or my friends to a really nice place, picking a great bottle of wine, and having it be my treat. I like sharing my tastes and discoveries. And I like being the provider. If a man were to deny me that because of my gender, I'd be pretty put off.

[KG]

5. i enjoy buying drinks or dinner for a date.

and i never expect sex afterward.

it's usually the other way around, sometimes i feel pressured to perform. but i usually come thru with flying colors. :)

[commander bunnypants]

6. I agree with GOP

each situation is different. It all equals out in the long run.



But the first couple of dates it should be the guy

DDQM

[hippiechick]

7. Whoever initiates the date ....

I think it's only fair.

:hippie:

[ieoeja]

8. Expensive/Special/Cheap/Whatever

If it was really expensive/special, is there an expecation of sex afterward?

Surely this question only applies to twenty-somethings and below? I am forty-two now, and it was not long after turning thirty that my female peers finally joined us guys and stopped equating sex with love or requiring X number of dates before sex or ... whatever. Why in the world would you date someone to whom you are not sexually attracted?

[MurryMom]

17. Wait, so are you saying...

... that you think it's weird when a woman won't sleep with a man on the first date?

[ieoeja]

19. Yes (n/t)

[cally]

55. You can't be serious

Can you. Dating is to get to know each other. If it feels right, than sure have sex on the first date. Are you saying that if you accept a dinner invitation or an invitation to have a drink after work than you are agreeing to sex??? Whaat???

[amazona]

49. this might be just our generation

I'm a woman in my mid-40s and I always thought it was odd that anyone would go out with someone he or she wasn't interested in having sex with. I mean, sure, you heard of people doing it, but you just figured there was something wrong with them. But apparently those older and younger than us really think there is some merit to dating people with whom they have no chemistry.

Also, today, sometimes people date people they have not even met -- such as internet, personals ads -- so they really have no idea if they will be attracted to that person.

[rbnyc]

10. First few dates, asker should pay...

...after the relationship has been established, it can be negotiated. My husband and I, who were together 7 years before getting married, usually go Dutch, or the person with the most money pays.

[radwriter0555]

27. Exactly... I agree completely...

equitable division of property.

oh wait, that's in the divorce.

I think of it as practice.

[rbnyc]

51. LOL

When my husband and I first started dating, I was a rich bartender and he was a poor drummer so I paid for almost everything. Then he supported me while I made the transition into non-profits. Now we tend to share costs pretty equally, but we're always lookin' out for each other.

[SarahB]

11. Whoever asked

I haven't been on a "date" in a lloooonngggg time, but even as I young one, I asked a couple people out :) and I paid. I remember not being rewarded enough for my efforts though.

[prolesunited]

14. Whatever do you mean?

Were you expecting sex afterward? :wow:

[SarahB]

16. I used to scare males sometimes

Still do (with rare exceptions). :7 I'm very sweet on the outside.

[camero]

15. First Date, whoever asked. All dates afterward, dutch

If we just go with whoever asked or picked the activity there can be manipulation on one person's part to force the other to pick so that they don't have to pay.

Or if there's another date the fair thing would be to take turns. Sometimes there's the case where one person has money and one doesn't. In that case the person with the money should pay.

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

20. Whoever wants sex the worst

[SarahB]

23. Oh, you're good

And right :7

[PVnRT]

22. Crap, picked the wrong option

Whoever asked the other on the date should pay for it.

[rockymountaindem]

29. I went to dinner with a girl

I offered to pay, but she refused 5 times. Is it still a date?

[Nikia]

30. Depends

My husband paid mostly when we were dating because we were both students. I got financial aid but still had ato pay a couple thousand in tuition and pay for all my books and other expenses. His parents paid for everything and gave him a $400/month allowance. I paid a few times like when taking him out for his birthday or other special occaision. I think that a couple should usually take turns if they have roughly the same amount of money. If one ids much richer than the other, it is better if the richer one pays.

[Lorien]

33. I HATE it when the guy

INSISTS on paying. There's always the expectation that he should be "repaid" with sex (one of those cliches I've found to be quite true). I don't like feeling as if I'm financially inferior, either (in the past I've made far more than the guys I've dated anyway).Equality in relationships begins with eqality in bill paying. Take turns, split it down the middle, but if your date DEMANDS to pay EVERY time, find someone else!

[Feanorcurufinwe]

35. Other: 1, 3, 4, 5, 6

It all depends, all of those things are sometimes true.

Bonus round: you gotta be kidding. The only time there should be an expectation of sex is when you got your date's phone number from the Yellow Pages.

[grannylib]

42. Love the Bonus Round answer!

[Dogmudgeon]

36. "That's all right, I'll pay for mine"

"You sure you want to?"

"Yep."

"I mean, I asked you out."

"Look, it's OK, I'm a big girl, I have a job, and I'll pay for my dinner."

"All right, but you're still obligated under law to have sex with me."

You know something? She laughed herself hoarse for about 15 minutes, but it actually worked.

--bkl
... but then the Death Rock slammed into the Chicxulub peninsula, and for millions of years, the surface of the Earth was a bleak and sterile plain ...

[prolesunited]

37. When you say it "actually worked"

does that mean you ended up having sex with her?

And you obviously have discovered a secret: Women dig funny. :-)

[Beaker]

39. that's a secret?

"...And you obviously have discovered a secret: Women dig funny"

funny and confident(without being smug or pompous) is the winning combination- and it's not really all that much of a secret.

[prolesunited]

41. Sorry, I should have

used the "tongue in cheek" emoticon. I really didn't think I was revealing anything earth-shattering.

BTW, I agree with the "without being smug or pompous" part. That erases all points earned from being funny.

[Bunny]

38. If the man asks, he pays. If I ask,

the man pays! :evilgrin:

The one who asks should do the paying, after a few dates they both agree to dutch treat. In my vast dating experience, I found that men seemed to be reluctant to allow me to pay, somehow they seemed put off by it. Maybe I'm just not real smooth at picking up the tab. I can be very backwards socially, I've been told. But after a while, I'm sure they resented it. And I resented the implication that I was unable to pay my way.

Maybe that's why my love life is in the gutter... :nopity:

[Beaker]

40. in other words: "a fool and his money..."

"...are fun to go out with" :evilgrin:

[geniph]

43. I've always dated guys with no money

and twice married men who made less than I did. If I want to go out, I pay. It only makes sense; I'm the one who can afford it. I think whoever can best afford it should pay, with the exception of special occasions like birthdays. It kind of sucks to have to buy other people a nice meal on your own birthday.

Oh, and as to sex afterward - I'm the wrong person to ask that question of, I used to sleep with all my friends pretty routinely.

[Mrs. Venation]

44. When I Was Single

I'd pay the tab when I asked someone out for a date. If I was the invitee, I'd offer to split a tab when I knew money was tight for my date.

I think it would be rude to ask someone for a date and expect her to pay. JMHO. Even if I invited a friend to a concert when I had an extra ticket, I'd not allow her to pay for a ticket. I ask, I pay.

[prolesunited]

45. On a related note

Do you find that the wait staff puts the bill next to the man or hands it to them or are you finding more that they just place it on the center of the table?

[ButterflyBlood]

46. split it

I almost always do this. I've paid for a girl a few times when she was broke, and once the girl paid for me because I was broke.

[prolesunited]

47. Question

Do you discuss it in advance or state the ground rules before you go out?

[ButterflyBlood]

48. usually not

except in the broke cases. i've never dated a girl who expected me to pay, and most would be offended.

[cetasika]

50. I never pay

because Im poor.

:o

[MrSlayer]

52. The guy pays and at least gets head.

I believe in traditional values. :smoke:

[prolesunited]

54. If you're not joking

and I hope you are, do you get many dates with that attitude?

[pmbryant]

53. I've had the good fortune ...

never to have had to worry about this question. :-)

But I answered, 'Take turns. Try to be fair,' as that seems by far the best way to handle the situation.

--Peter