Am I being a spoiled brat or are my parents out of line?

[lightningandsnow]

My parents are fairly well-off and money has never been an issue. For ages, they told me that I would never have to pay for university and they had it all covered. I graduated high school in June with fairly good grades, and got a scholarship to my university of choice that covers almost half of my tuition. Keep in mind I live in Canada, and universities here cost much less than in the states.

So, after years of telling me it was all covered, my mom tells me that it actually isn't and I'm going to have to pay for some of it. She doesn't tell me what I'm going to have to pay for and how much. Oh yeah, and she springs this on me two months before I leave. She also totally disregards the fact that I have a substantial scholarship and am saving her and my dad a lot of money. Yes, I know there has to be money left over for my brother - but he's not nearly as good a student as me and, quite frankly, won't be getting that kind of money from anyone. (The university I go to is also known for giving large scholarships.)

I feel so bad for getting upset over this. I know I'm extremely lucky to have my parents contributing to my education at all, but I can't help but feel like them telling me they had it covered for years and then springing this on me now is kind of...not nice.

[Midlodemocrat]

1. Well, we had the same situation here.

TM's college fund plunged over 60% with the way the stock market went. Consequently, we're paying for her tuition out of our salaries which hasn't been a whole lot of fun. We rolled her account over to my son's in the hope that it will rebound before he goes away next year. Fat chance.

So, maybe that's what it is. The rule of thumb is that parents shouldn't jeopardize their retirement to pay for college because there is always money for college, but no money for retirement.

Why don't you ask them and see if this is what happened? That would go a long way to easing your mind.

And, honestly? I doubt they're doing this to screw you regardless of their reasoning.

[sasquatch]

19. My God that sucks

Why didn't you guys place it in a savings account instead?

[Midlodemocrat]

20. It was in a 529.

[sasquatch]

27. What is that?

[OmahaBlueDog]

29. Far be it from me to answer for Midlo

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/529_plan

I got this from WikiPedia for you. Generally these are run by a big mutual fund broker (like Schwab) in conjunction with a state. Like every other Mutual Fund/401K, unless you'd moved the funds into the ultra conservative savings option, you've lost your a$$ this past year.

<<There are many advantages to the 529 plan:

First, although contributions are not deductible from the donor's federal income tax liability, many states provide state income tax deductions for all or part of the contributions of the donor. Beyond the potential state income tax deduction possibilities, a prime benefit of the 529 plan is that the principal grows tax-deferred and distributions for the beneficiary's college costs are exempt from tax.

Second, the donor maintains control of the account. With few exceptions, the named beneficiary has no rights to the funds. Most plans even allow you to reclaim the funds for yourself any time you desire, no questions asked. (However, the earnings portion of the "non-qualified" withdrawal will be subject to income tax and an additional 10% penalty tax).

Third, a 529 plan can provide a very easy hands-off way to save for college. Once one decides which 529 plan to use, one completes a simple enrollment form and makes a contribution (or signs up for automatic deposits). The ongoing investment of the account is handled by the plan, not by the donor. Plan assets are professionally managed either by the state treasurer's office or by an outside investment company hired as the program manager. The donor will not receive a Form 1099 to report taxable or nontaxable earnings until the year of the withdrawals. If an investment switch is desired, donors may change to a different option in a 529 savings program every year (program permitting) or the account may be rolled over to a different state's program provided no such rollover for the beneficiary has occurred in the prior 12 months. 529 plans generally have very low minimum start-up requirements and low contributions. The fees, compared with other investment vehicles, are low, although this depends on the state administering the plan. Finally, everyone is eligible to take advantage of a 529 plan, and the amounts that can be put in are substantial (over $300,000 per beneficiary in many state plans). Generally, there are no income limitations or age restrictions.

A final rather unusual advantage of the assets in a 529 plan is that although they can be reclaimed by the donor (subject to income tax and the 10% additional penalty on any gains) the assets are not counted as part of the donor's gross estate for estate tax purposes. Thus 529 plans can be used as an estate planning tool to move assets outside of one's estate while still retaining some measure of control if the money is needed in the future. A beneficiary must be designated and the income tax savings are still only obtained if the money is eventually spent for education, though in some cases estate taxes can be reduced without spending the money on education.>>

[Midlodemocrat]

30. Yup. That's it. The money can be used for anything related to higher

education.

So, basically, we saved the money, put it into the accounts like good little soldiers, and are now paying all over again.

FML.

[JitterbugPerfume]

2. I doubt very much

that your parents are trying to punish you .

[Orrex]

3. I don't think you're being a spoiled brat, but...

it's impossible to assess your situation without having a real sense of what your parents were telling you and how recently they told you this.

If they'd said stuff like "we'll take care of you" or "you won't have to worry about it," that's kind of nebulous, and in hindsight it would have been better for both parties to clarify exactly what was meant. If they'd stated explicitly that they were going to play your tuition, then they're kind of yanking the rug out from under you.

It's good that you recognize your extreme good fortune to have them paying even part of the bill, but IMO it's a mistake to think of your scholarship as saving your parents a lot of money. That's like saying "Mom and Dad, I have a coupon that'll save you $2,000 if you buy this $30,000 car for me."


Do your parents know how you feel? It might be worthwhile to discuss it with them now, because it could easily fester into serious resentment later on.

[stray cat]

4. It sounds like you are competent and will do well - be thankful for the help they can give

Alot of people have had alot sprung on them with this economy - most of us have lost at least 40% of our savings - so it is likely your parents have also had a major financial loss sprung on them as well. Best of plans can fall through with little warning and it is possible your parents are a victim of the economy along with yourself.

[MorningGlow]

5. You're upset because it was a shock

You're right that your mother should have told you sooner; she was probably worried about how you'd react at the "bad news" and kept putting it off. Human nature.

Even though it seems upsetting to you now, please know that your parents are actually doing you a favor. Working while attending school, part time, to help pay for the tuition, is actually a good thing. It gives you work experience and therefore a leg up when it comes time to enter the workforce.

And you don't have to wash dishes in the cafeteria if you don't want to; there will be jobs in your department that will help you forge a closer bond with your professors and give you an inside track on the subject. And there are fun jobs, too--campus tour guide, information desk, school store, etc.

Yes, having a job at school requires a little more maturity--maybe you won't be able to stay up ALL night if you have to get up for work in the morning, and you'll have to pay special attention to your schedule that will be more full than your friends'--but again, that's a good thing. Maturity is a highly valued commodity.

As for the issue with money for your brother...well, that is what parents do. They treat their children equally and give them the same opportunities, even if they choose not to take them. Heck, I'm in my 40s, and my mom still gives me money from time to time because the MG family is up against it. But when she does, she gives the same amount of money to my brother and his family, even though he's a successful attorney and has money coming out of his ears. Does it bug me? Heck yeah, especially because she always talks about him like he's still a starving student. But I know it's none of my business, so I usually just ignore it.

Anyway, I hope when you've had time to mull it over and get used to the idea, you'll see that working at campus won't be such a trial. Lots of students do it. And if you don't have to make up that much of a difference for tuition, you won't have to work many hours--OR you could have extra money for...you know...books and stuff. :evilgrin:

[noamnety]

16. My parents do the same thing with me and my sister.

She doesn't have a traditional job with benefits, and they worry about her. So they give her large amounts of money for Christmas and birthdays because they know she could really use it now, instead of waiting til they die and giving it to her in their will. It allows her to take care of some medical problems if they arise (no insurance), or cover the mortgage if she runs short - basic needs. She doesn't live extravagantly.

To keep things fair, they give the same amount to me at holidays even though they know I am financially secure, with myself and my partner both having stable jobs.

My mom went through some inheritance annoyances when her own mother had alzheimers. One of her sisters started swindling money from their mother's bank account, knowing she wasn't competent enough to track it. A lot of money - like 100,000, if I remember right. She was working to drain the estate while her mom was alive, knowing that the remainder would be split evenly amongst them. Because of that, my mother definitely sees any gifting to her own kids as "coming from the inheritance" which is why she keeps it even.


--------------

Going back to the OP, it's especially out of line to think that you deserve more help paying for college expenses because you have a scholarship lined up ... seems to me if that's the case, it's the brother that will need the most assistance getting through college since he will have the most out of pocket expenses. They can either keep things fair by giving you both the same amount of money, or keep things fair by trying to ensure you each get the same out of pocket expenses. Giving more to the one who's already going to have the easiest time of it - that's the thing I'd be least likely to do as a parent. I can't imagine my folks writing a will saying "We're giving 2/3 of the money to the financially successful one because they need it the least."

There was a post last night that I responded to that was similar in some ways. The basic idea was "my parents are adults but I don't like the decisions they make, how can I control them?" The answer is always that you can't control the actions of other adults - you aren't their parents and they aren't your children. If they make a decision you don't like, it might make your life a little more difficult, but ultimately it is their decision to make, and the only part you can control is how you react to it.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

6. Maybe your parents miscalculated the costs...

It would be an easy thing to do, given the instability of the economy over the last few years.

If they knew they wouldn't be able to pay for it all, they should have told you sooner, so you could make your own preparations. Or maybe this is your parents' way of saying, "Yes, we can pay for your expenses so you don't need to worry about them; but we want you to contribute as much as you can."

The fact is, being upset about it won't pay for your education. Your mom didn't tell you how much you'd have to pay or what you'd need to pay for, so you need to ask her these questions. It's late to find a summer job, but maybe you can find restaurant work or babysitting to help out.

Contributing at least in part can make your college education more valuable to you, and help you take it even more seriously than you would if you had it handed to you.

:hug::hug::hug:

[MicaelS]

7. Your parents may have lost a bunch of money

When things tanked and are embarrassed, or ashamed to admit it. Things may be worse than you know. Suck it up and get on with life. Let this be your first lesson of adulthood: "Things don't always go as you have planned."

[Iggo]

26. Ouch.

And true. :thumbsup:

[HopeHoops]

8. Either way, they really fucked up.

In the US, you have to apply for financial aid between January 1 and March 31 (FASFA - one form). If you don't, you can pretty much write off getting money in grants or loans unless you get REALLY lucky with a late application.

[lightningandsnow]

9. They're still paying for some of it,

So I should be alright. I'm probably working two jobs this summer (one's occasional work and I'm starting next week, the other I haven't gotten yet but I'm really keeping my fingers crossed), so I should be covered.

[HopeHoops]

12. Sorry, I didn't mean to discount their contribution.

I just meant that they should have given you much earlier warning. Good luck to you. My eldest daughter is starting college this fall.

[lightningandsnow]

10. Thanks, everyone

for helping me put this in perspective.

:grouphug:

[Symarip]

11. My dad who did quite well in the 90s promised me the world in a handbasket

In high school, I was accepted to UC Irvine, a very nice school. I was all set. My dad told me he wasn't going to help me my last semester of my senior year. My mom was too poor to help. Since dad made a good amount of change, I didn't qualify for the poor boy scholarships. Subsequently, I had to join the military and put myself through school. While my friends were partying and doing keg stands, I was in Bosnia.

Good times. Thanks, dad!

I don't want you to think your parents are bad people, but parents can be full of shit just like everyone else. For me, it was the first time I saw my dad as a person - not as a father. I got over it, as you will too, but you have to understand your parents are people. They have their reasons. They may be excellent reasons you haven't thought of or th may be totally fucktarded. But they''re reasons nonetheless. If such is the case, I suggest figuring out a way to do it on your own. You might end up a better person for it.

It's probably best to leave your brother out of this. Just for future reference. It's not fair to him for you to be comparing yourself to him. Everyone's different.

[Orrex]

13. Your final point is excellent

It's probably best to leave your brother out of this. Just for future reference. It's not fair to him for you to be comparing yourself to him. Everyone's different.

Bravo.

[mnhtnbb]

14. You are right. It is not nice of your parents--and I'm a parent with

a 19 yo son who started college last year. He has a scholarship that almost pays his tuition,
we pay his board/room, money left to him by his grandmother pays for his books, and he works
for his spending money.

If your parents expect you to now help with college expenses---regardless of the reason--they need
to tell you how much $$ you can expect from them per semester. They need to treat you like an adult
if they expect you to contribute to your education. You need to know whether you're going to have to take
out student loans, work summer jobs only, or work part-time during school. You have to be able to
plan your time and know how much time must be devoted to work/studying/enjoying the college experience.

Regardless of the reason your parents are now reneging on their commitment, I would suggest that
you take a positive approach in getting them to sit down with you to review the costs of school
and the resources that are available to you.

Good luck.

[NJmaverick]

15. On the surface it appears your parents are not being very nice

Perhaps you should try and talk to them. Find out why things changed from "they have you covered" to "you are going to have to help pay your own way".

[DarkTirade]

17. You have every right to be upset with the fact that they sprung it on you at the last minute.

If you'd known ahead of time you could have had more time to prepare and make plans for it. Now you're going to have to scramble to make sure everything works. I'd be pissed too.

[Skittles]

18. I think your parents did you wrong - they should have clued you in

you may want to ask them why they did this - not in an angry fashion but just because you need to know - perhaps it was embarrassment - it may help clear the air of bad feelings

[hippywife]

21. I know it's hard to understand

but with the economy the way it is worldwide, it shouldn't be surprising or come as a shock. Granted, she should have told you sooner, unless she was working on some way to still make it work.

There is probably more time for you to earn more money, but there isn't for them. Many seniors outlive their resources these days and have no way to go out and earn more. So, taken from that perspective, I hope you can realize that this step she's taken may be necessary for their survival. Plus, if I recall, your parents are split so that reduces the pool of resources available for both of their futures. I work in a retirement center and it's not at all unusual for one spouse to die for the other not to be able to afford to live there anymore with the loss of a pension or social security of the deceased spouse. The surviving spouse usually ends up moving in with their kids, so consider this as it might also impact your future, too.

[skygazer]

22. I can understand it being a shock

Perhaps they were hoping they could figure it out and still do it and that's why they waited so long to tell you. Try asking them about it - not accusing them of being "not nice" (though it may be the case) but just trying to understand what happened. You may find that they miscalculated or lost money.

And try to consider it a lesson in life - in that, things don't always (in fact, don't often) go the way we expect or plan them to go and we have to constantly make adjustments to achieve our goals. That's something you'll be doing your entire life - I guarantee that - and perhaps now is as good a time as ever to work on doing it. Flexibility is a good trait to cultivate.

And congratulations on your grades and scholarship! That's awesome! :woohoo:

[Joey Liberal]

23. You are spoiled:)....................

Just be lucky to be going to college. Good luck with your studies!

[Danger Mouse]

24. Maybe the economy being the way it is has made it become a necessity?

Has it affected them negatively?
That may be part of the reason. If that's the case, I can understand why your mom did that...it can be hard to fulfill a promise when money is tight.
That's just my take.
If money really isn't an issue, then it is low for her to spring it on you like this.
Either way, she should have prepared you for this sooner.
You are by no means being a spoiled brat, though.

[OmahaBlueDog]

25. Dear Lightningandsnow

First, you have a right to feel upset, because you feel misled. Parents generally do the best they can with the information they had at the time. As I'm sure you are aware, some parents provide nothing for college. This is not always economic; some parents feel that earning ones way through school builds character and discipline. As you've seen upthread, many other students end up joining the service to pay for college; truth be known, I personally regret not having done this -- but my life has nothing to do with yours.

When I was a student, I was very fortunate. My grandfather had set aside college money, my parents saved, and my college was paid for -- but it was a close thing, and my parents (like Midlo upthread) had to kick in substantial sums. My folks initially had invested money in mutuals, only to see the fund take a huge hit in the 74 recesion. They pulled the money out, of course, prior to the recovery. Then they put the money into an S & L. Right as I started school, there was a huge S & L crisis, and many (including mine) went insolvent. The state fund, which insured the S & Ls at that time (now, there is FSLIC) was overdrawn, and we didn't get our money until today.

I bought my kids the Florida prepaid program when we were in Florida. It will pay an amount roughly equivalent to in-state tuition at most non-Florida state schools. We also had sunk money into 529s, which are suffering heavily right now. Will it work? Will it be enough? I have no clue. I'm doing the best I can with the information available, and suspect this is the case with your parents.

Good luck!

[La Lioness Priyanka]

28. they shouldnt have waited till last minute to tell you this. you're not being a brat

i know what it is to raise expectations of kids and not meet them. its essentially not treating your children with the dignity they deserve.

IF they lost money in the last year, then they should sit you down and tell you this honestly. either way to met its about respecting you. which they are failing to do.

[noamnety]

31. If you responded less than graciously when they first told you,

then my suggestion is to go back and apologize.

Whatever shock you are feeling from having to readjust your plans, it sounds like they are still giving you a sizable chunk of money as a gift to help out with tuition. It would be great if your reaction to that was PRIMARILY gratitude, because it's the result of them working extra hours and doing without something (either now or later) to give you that gift. Acting like it's an entitlement and you resent that it isn't a larger gift ... that's just not cool - even IF you feel entitled because they built it into your expectations.

One of my students went through this on a smaller scale last year. Her parents promised her a certain car for her 16th birthday. When the time came, they decided to give her a different used car. She came to vent to me about how it was so unfair that they promised her the one thing and stuck her with the other - and after a few minutes and looking at my face (I do NOT have a poker face), she got it.

A mature response would be to apologize, let them know your initial reaction was based on stress of not having time to adjust to this, but end with thanking them for what they are giving you.

And if you didn't react badly - if you listened to their news without acting resentful, then I give you a LOT of credit, because that's a very hard thing to do with no time to react and measure your response. I'm not sure if I could do it. :)

[Heidi]

32. Financial independence buys you a lot of general autonomy.

Just something to consider. :hi:

[Haole Girl]

33. While I don't feel they handled it the right way (springing it on you),

I do feel it's a good idea to ask students to pay for part of their school... as long as it doesn't interfere with their studies. It's just good on many, many levels.

You'll be fine. Congrats on your scholarship! :hi: