Not interested, nervous, or playing hard to get?

[Tobin S.]

I really don't know. We had good conversations on the messenger. Talking on the phone was a little more difficult. She acted different and wasn't as open as she'd been on the messenger. We met tonight for coffee. She acted as if she wasn't really interested. All of my conversation starters got shot down pretty quickly. Lots of awkward silence, at least for me. She didn't act as if she cared.

I'm thinking she was just nervous and was trying to hide it. I guess I'll find out soon enough. She did mention to me that she was nervous in our first telephone conversation. We've both not been in a relationship for a long time. If she's just really guarded I hope I can hang in there long enough to get the password.

Have I ever mentioned that dating sucks?

[CaliforniaPeggy]

1. My dear Tobin S...

Dating does suck...

Sounds like you both need to take it easy...

And I know you will.

Some people have an easier time when it's not face to face...

A friend of mine stated once that sometimes it's easier to type things than it is to say them...

Hang in there, sweetie...

Positive vibes for you...

:hug:

[Tobin S.]

2. Thanks, Peggy

We'll see how it goes. I will call tomorrow and see if she'd like to do it again some time. If she says no, it won't be the first time I've heard it. If she says yes I'm going to have to think of a way to break the ice. Maybe we could go for a walk in a local arboretum. I know I feel more comfortable talking to someone when I'm out doing something. Maybe the coffee date was too personal for the first date.

[noamnety]

4. walking is a great idea

sitting across from each other face to face is more confrontational/threatening in general than walking side by side. I've read that people need a lot more personal space when they are face to face.

[hippywife]

23. I think the idea of the arboretum is sound.

It takes you out and walking amongst the plants and flowers and actually gives you something to looka t ad talk about besides yourselves. If she says no, then I guess she wasn't interested. But I think it's important to at least give her the benefit of the doubt that she was just as nervous as you were.

Good luck. :hi:

[noamnety]

3. I suck on the phone

even with the people I am closest to. And in person it takes me a while to get comfortable with a person. And even then, there are a lot of silences. Not a sign that I don't care, I'm just not a talker so much.

Maybe you could mention to her that she seems more comfortable typing than talking on the phone, and you wondered if that was normal for her. It'll give her an in to talk about it. (especially if you avoid criticizing how she was in person, and phrase it in terms of being "more comfortable" online instead of "less comfortable" on the phone.

[Tobin S.]

6. I think I'm not going to mention it at all unless she brings it up

If she says she'd like to see me again I will know that she's really interested and I will find a way to get her more conversational. And silence isn't always bad, it just makes me feel kind of desperate to get a conversation going when I first meet someone. I feel like we have to fill up all the time speaking. I'm nervous, too. :)

[Haole Girl]

5. Awkward silence sucks...

and dating can be so difficult. Don't give up!

My husband took me to a pub for our first date. I think it helped to have a drink to two! ;-)
Our second date was a soccer game... the rest is history.

I wish you all the best Tobe. :hug:

[Tobin S.]

7. Thanks Haole Girl. I need all of the luck I can get. :)

[Inchworm]

8. Stop.thinking

Just be.

Love ya man!

:hug:

[Inchworm]

9. PS

Only got into the thread because it's you, and I wanted to say I LOVE you

:hug:

[Tobin S.]

11. I love you, too, Inchworm

If I ever make it out to North Carolina I'll have to look you up and give you a big ol' man hug. :)

[Tobin S.]

10. Ommmmmmmmm

My mind is just constantly going. I can't stop it. I think it's a bipolar thing. Racing thoughts and all. I'd make a terrible Buddhist. :D

[Inchworm]

12. But..

you are on top of them pills and loving life.

Such a wonderful day!!

:hug:

[Forkboy]

14. I was going to ask in my post below if you were able to sleep.

This stuff keeps me up all night, which is one of the reasons I'm dead set on avoiding it. Love messes me up. :)

[Tobin S.]

15. I'm doing alright. I've been dating off and on for the past year

While the first few made me ill at ease, now days it really doesn't bother me enough that it will make me lose sleep or cause a symptom to arise. And I'm all about taking it slow, getting to know someone, and becoming friends before any of the serious stuff. I think that's the way to go and I'm hoping this woman will see it that way, too. That is if I get to see her again.

[Forkboy]

13. I hope it works out for you.

This just reinforces my belief that I'm doing the right thing in spending the rest of my life alone. I'm not putting myself out there emotionally ever again, for anyone or anything. I'm as negative as one can get on the concept of relationships at this point in my life. I spent almost all of my life thinking I needed to be in a relationship to be happy, and now I think it's just the opposite. It's gotten to the point where I'm even distancing myself from friends.

Not that I'm suggesting this is the right approach for others. I understand why people want to be with someone, I understand the loneliness, and I understand the many positive aspects of being in a relationship. It's just not for me anymore.

It sounds like she was nervous to me. No relationship for a long time, maybe a bad end to the last one that hurt her, etc. Be patient and understanding with her, and see how it goes. You both have a bit of a shell surrounding you, and that takes times to get past.

Good luck. :pals:

[Wolf-Were]

16. Give it a few

Dating via internet is nerve racking to some...

[Tobin S.]

17. I hear you and welcome to DU

:toast:

[cwydro]

21. Welcome to DU!!

:hi:

[Strong Atheist]

24. Welcome to DU!

:toast:

[Strong Atheist]

18. "dating sucks"

Agreed. Will have to get back into that soon myself, so I sympathise...:hug:

[NJmaverick]

19. Hopefully things will work out

her willingness to go on another date or continue to converse, will tell you.

[KG]

20. she's not interested. move on.

life's too short for silly mind games. dating only sucks if you want to play them. learn to take a hint.

trust me on this, i've been single most of my life. there are lots women out there that will actually be happy to meet you.

JMHO. YMMV.

[old mark]

22. TS : It will either work out or not. Don't try to force things, let it

go with the flow like the dead fish.

Sometimes when it doesn't work out, it's for the best.

Yes, dating does suck. That's why most married people don't do it, unless they are Republicans.

markO8)