Am I wrong to let this bug me?

[Drunken Irishman]

I got tickets to a Green Day concert for my birthday and I decided to ask my friend to go with me.

Since the tickets were a gift and I didn't pay anything for them, it was all free of charge. I wasn't going to ask him to pay for something I didn't pay.

So a few weeks pass and yesterday he asks me to drive him out to a suburb of my city to pick up one Death Cab for Cutie ticket he's buying off some from Craigslist.

I don't have a huge problem with this, since we're going to see Bruno and take some photos of the abandoned junior high he and I went to (I posted those photos here).

Well during the drive out there, he's told he has to buy the second ticket, because the lady doesn't want to just sell one.

Fine, whatever.

Then he says he's not going to find anyone to go with him and he'll either just give it to a friend or sell the ticket up at the concert.

Fine, but what the fuck?

Not once did he ever say, "Hey, you want to go?"

Not once did he even hint at offering me the ticket.

Instead, he said he'd have to get another friend to go with.

Now I'm not going to lie, I have no interest in seeing Death Cab for Cutie and I probably would have turned down the ticket, anyway. But don't you think, since I'm taking him to a Green Day concert free of charge next month, he should at least offer me the ticket, especially since I drove his ass out there to get it?

Or am I making this a bigger issue than it really is?

Like I said, I wasn't going to take him up if offered, but it's the thought that counts, right?

Am I also wrong in thinking of uninviting him to the concert just out of spite?

Sorry, just had to get that off my chest.

[Kali]

1. close friends?

maybe he knows you wouldn't want to go?

[Drunken Irishman]

2. We're close, but I don't think he knows my musical tastes.

But again, why not just at least see if I wanted to go?

It just seems that I drove his ass out there to pick the ticket up, I'm taking his ass to a concert next month (a bigger name, mind you), free of charge and he can't even ask if I'm interested?

Hell, he didn't even need to ask me to go, a simple, "would you be interested in going," would've worked.

[Kali]

3. yeah I would be miffed too

but you can't really uninvite him

the guy thing is probably to have a few beers and say "Dude, I'm bugged that you didn't even think of asking if I wanted that ticket"

[noamnety]

4. Let it go unless you thrive on drama

You are upset that you didn't get invited to something you don't want to go to?

Man. That's gonna be one silly conversation:

Dude1: I'm insulted you didn't invite me.
Dude2: I'm sorry! Did you want to go?
Dude1: Nope.

He's probably got other friends in his life besides just you, sounds like the two of you have spent a fair amount of time together recently and are going to the concert together too, maybe he just wants to enjoy the company of a variety of people in his life.

(I feel like I'm giving dating advice here - if you guys are dating and I misunderstood something here, sorry for that.)

[Drunken Irishman]

5. Ok, maybe I am wrong.

I'm not mad he didn't invite me. I'm mad he didn't even think of inviting me after I gave him a free ticket to a concert and drove his ass to pick it up.

I understand he has other friends. I have other friends, as well. But not even a hint, but oh well.

Maybe I'm just expecting more out of friends. I let 'em take advantage of me, never ask them to help me or for money or to do this or that. Yet this one always does to me and I never say no.

So I guess I was just a bit miffed that finally when he had a chance to do something for me, he acted like I wasn't even there.

My bad.

[noamnety]

6. Well you can't ever control how other people act.

If you feel like he's always taking advantage of you, learn to control that part. Learn to say no if you feel like you're being taken advantage of.

[Drunken Irishman]

7. It wouldn't be bad...

If at times he seemed to do the same for me, you know?

Friends are there to help, he just needs to even it out a bit.

He has no car, so I have to drive every time we hang out.

Sometimes he wants me to take him somewhere when we're hanging out. Well the valley is pretty big and I spend a lot of gas.

He never offers to buy gas.

It's just the little things.

I don't have a problem helping him or doing this shit.

But if he returned the help, then it'd be far easier. He never does, though.

And that's ultimately my fault.

[noamnety]

8. My sister in law is like that.

I don't let it get to me. I mean it's annoying, but it's not something for me to be emotionally wrapped up in.

An example of dealing with her:

She asked my husband to drive to Chicago to help her put in a new floor. No offer for gas money. He agreed to that. (I wouldn't have, but it's his business.) She called then to ask if he could also buy the flooring in michigan and take it out there in his truck (to save a whopping 8 dollars in sales tax). I happened to answer, I told her it was going to cost more than 8 dollars extra to take the truck because it gets worse gas mileage than the regular car, but if she wanted to offer to pay for gas, maybe he'd consider it.

I've seen my husband similar deflect at times. "Hey do you guys have any extra double A batteries you can spare for my walkman"? Response: "There's a kmart right around the corner, when you leave, instead of taking a left, take a right, and another right at the light. You'll see it on the corner." It's a helpful response, without being a "walk all over me" response.

If your friend asks for a ride someplace, try "if you can chip in a few bucks for gas, I'd be happy to drive you." After a few times of that it won't seem awkward, and it seems like you're going to have to invest that little bit of initial awkwardness to save the friendship, otherwise resentment's going to build up and ruin it anyway.

[Tangerine LaBamba]

9. No, not "my bad" -

don't let what others say invalidate your feelings. That's the road to madness. You felt what you felt, and it's all perfectly legitimate.

Your friend is a dolt. A selfish, self-centered dolt. That's the cleanest reading of it. And, like you, I'd be upset, too. A kind of rejection, that's what it is. You're being treated like a servant - good enough to give him a ride, but not good enough to ask if you'd like to go to a concert.

So what if you'd have turned it down? The point was to be asked. And he failed.

Don't give anything else. You'll just get more and more pissed. Start saying "no," since never saying it to him has left you invisible to him except when he wants something from you.

My old Italian grandfather had a saying that didn't make a whole lot of sense to me until I got a lot older, and now it's pretty much my mantra:

"It's better to be alone than to be in bad company."

Do something nice for yourself, and don't let anyone else walk all over you like that. Make noise when you're hurt or pissed off. That's how you're going to find out who your real friends are, and you might have some sad revelations. But it's part of growing up, a part that continues your whole life.

Happy Birthday, by the way ..........................

[noamnety]

13. We're not so far off from each other.

We both think learning to say no and set boundaries is the way to go here.

I'm not trying to invalidate feelings so much as I am saying: it's not worth taking it personally when it seems to be the other person's personality flaw that they own. The concert itself isn't the issue, a pattern of behavior is the issue. So instead of focusing on feeling hurt and rejected, it's a lot more productive (and leaves a person feeling better about themselves) to identify what's unacceptable behavior ... and then come up with a plan for not accepting that behavior.

[Tangerine LaBamba]

14. It's not a zero-sum situation -

the poster has every reason to own his own feelings and then to work from them. I see the emotions as a valid starting point, incorporating what happened to him into what he decides to do about it.

But the "learning to say no and set boundaries" is a step beyond first acknowledging and accepting that feeling hurt and rejected and used is a perfectly valid reaction to what happened.

We disagree in that I say it is worth taking personally because this is a personal matter, and has to be dealt with in a personal way. It's not about the other person at that point - it's about what's happening to the poster, and what he does next is the only part of it that's within his control.

Skipping past it, past how he felt, is diminishing and attempting to minimize and misses the most important part of the scenario..

[noamnety]

16. the emotions are a valid start point, yes

What he's already felt, that's there, can't change that. And yes, that's the basis for what happens now.

But if he's asking if it's worth continuing to wallow in it, well, that implies he thinks he can control that, otherwise why ask? And my vote is to move on emotionally and see if there's a way to be a bit more detached because I think it will give him more peace. Sometimes it's healthy to put forth some effort into minimizing your own emotional response when you've been wronged instead of continuing to dwell on it. That doesn't mean allow it to happen again - I just mean evaluate whether it's going to make you feel better or worse to maximize or minimize your own reaction.

Given the choice, I think he'll be happier minimizing the damage over not being invited to something he doesn't want to go to instead of having a bunch of people encouraging him to keep the resentment burning strong.

Accept how it made him feel, in other words - that's nothing to beat yourself up about - but now it's time to move from self-pity to a practical plan. I agree with this, incidentally: "it is worth taking personally because this is a personal matter, and has to be dealt with in a personal way. It's not about the other person at that point - it's about what's happening to the poster, and what he does next is the only part of it that's within his control."

------------------

As for the future concert and whether to withdraw the offer - I would say if you'd enjoy the friend's company at the concert, just go with him and have a good time. If you know you're going to sit there and resent his presence, then no, don't go spend an evening being miserable.

[Name removed]

19. Deleted message

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[Iggo]

10. Since you have no interest in seeing DCFC...

...and would probably have turned down the ticket anyway, it's okay to let this one slide.

(Does your friend know you don't particularly care for Death Cab? Just sayin'...)

[Tuesday Afternoon]

11. ok...what is wrong with me?

because I would have been all like :so, fuckface! You gonna ask me if I want to go or no?

see...but that's just the way I roll with my friends.

Straight Up! Dude! You should have just straight out asked that schmo.

[XemaSab]

12. I hear ya

He should have offered.

[Mind_your_head]

15. Your friend is definitely lacking the *polite gene*, without a doubt.

S/he should have asked you, for sure. But him/her being "practical" figured/knew that you wouldn't have enjoyed it very much, so didn't offer it.

You could/should have 'stood up' in a "kidding sort of way" and said something, like "hey, whatta about ME?" To which s/he would said something like, "I figured you wouldn't want to go." To which you might have said, "I don't, but it would've been nice of you to ask anyway"....hence installing the "polite gene" in your friend without much harm/foul. That's what friends are for....we make each other better/improved/grow.

[Skittles]

17. is it possible he knew you would not be interested?

he should have still offered by perhaps he's just not savvy enough to know that

[stewartcolbert08]

18. Nope.

I'd be a little upset too! Men are naturally thoughtless though. No offense guys! ;-)

[Arkansas Granny]

20. Right or wrong, it would have bugged me, too.

I think that your friend has shown some real insensitivity here.

[Jokerman]

21. He should have asked.

Even if he knew for a fact that you hated DCFC, the polite thing to do would have been to give you a chance to turn the ticket down.

He may be an outright jerk or may just not be a little inconsiderate but one way or the other I wouldn't un-invite him, that would be stooping to his level.

I would remember this the next time he asks for a favor or the next time you have something to offer.

[SacredCow]

22. Yeah, that would irk me, too....

Unless he absolutely knew you weren't interested, he should have offered.