Why Am I Supposed To Date Older Men, Again?

[redqueen]

It's old but I just now saw it and thought it was interesting.

Why Am I Supposed To Date Older Men, Again?
By Megan, 6:00 PM on Thu Oct 9 2008, 15,192 views

Like most women, most of my dating life, I've dated older boys and men. It's almost what you're supposed to do, right? Men mature more slowly, they're less ready to settle down, they're less self-confident when they're younger. Older man are supposed to be more settled, more confident, more mature, more relationship-ready. Well, I'm 30 and I'm calling bullshit on all those theories. At this point, some of the most fucked-up men, the ones who treated me the worst, were older than me — often a lot older. And maybe I'm getting less mature by the day, but I could give a shit right now if some dude is living in a group house or making no money or thinks fart jokes are hilarious if he's also smart, funny and treats me with the respect and, I'll admit it, deference I'm sort of into right now. And I'm just not getting that from the older guys.

From the 43-year-old guy that used his terminally-ill brother as an excuse to regularly stand me up (but instead went out on dates with women he met online) to the 45-year-old guy who tried to pressure me into anal sex by claiming he couldn't orgasm any other way, to the 46-year-old guy who spent the entire time we dated apologizing for not being cool enough, I didn't get maturity, stability or self-confidence. And let's not forget my 50-year-old married stalker or the 60-year-old Congressman that I couldn't shake off my trail — I can't say any married guy who's ever hit on me was my age or younger. My last relationship ended after 4 years (when he was rounding the bend of 35) because he just wasn't in a place in his life to commit, and the guy I dated for 3 years before that went online when he hit 30 (I was 25) because he wasn't sure he'd slept with enough women to commit to a lifetime together. Each of these guys dumped enough of their emotional baggage on me from years of dating the wrong people and fucking up other relationships and getting dicked over by other women that I started to feel like I was not only having to be the normal variety of thoughtful and kind that I think dating (and general human interaction) entails, but as though I was having to atone for what life and women had supposedly done to them.

And so, in about the last year, I've slowly weaned myself off of dating older men. The oldest guy I've gone out with all year was 31. And while I won't say — with one exception — that any of the relationships I've had have been emotionally intense or long-lasting, neither have I spent hours upon hours tearing my hair out or wondering what's wrong with me. By and large, the guys I've gone out with (all of whom were old enough to drink, thank you) have been whip-smart, funny, charming, respectful and genuinely interested in talking with me rather than at me or to me. There's been no sexual pressure, no attempts at coercion, no efforts to try to push my boundaries in ways I'm uncomfortable with. And, happily, there's been no need for Viagra, little interest in rolling over and passing out, and a hell of a lot more cuddling and general PDA than I've previously had in even long-term relationships. Hand-holding? Yeah, it's still fun, even at my age.

I'm not saying I'd never go out with an older guy again, or that I wouldn't accept a date with a silver fox tomorrow. But dating younger men is one of the last taboos for women. It's always assumed — unlike older men with an "appropriately" younger woman — that it's about the sex or that it's a short term arrangement or that it's indicative of a fucked-up power dynamic. But as long as everyone's legal, why is it weirder or wrong-er for me to date a 25 year old than it is for me to date a 40 year old?

[cherish44]

1. I have at three friends who's S.O.s are more than 10 years younger than them

One of them is married to a guy 18 years younger. All are commited long term relationships, not just a f-buddy or casual thing. Some people (mostly of my parents' generation) think it's odd but overall most people don't notice or even care. Which is cool, why shouldn't it be OK for women to be with younger guys?

[redqueen]

3. Nice!

I think it's wonderful that women are ignoring the 'rules' and dating who they want. It's about frickin time IMO.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

2. I hate dating. I don't care what age they are. I just hate the whole concept.

[redqueen]

4. I dunno...

if my best friend lived close by, I'd enjoy going places with him... or do you mean the kind of dating where you really don't know the person yet? Cause if that's what you mean then I definitely agree.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

7. well, my very best friend is female...I think at this point in my life

if I have a best male friend, I would hope that we would also be more....

[mix]

5. for your consideration

apparently he's single
:hi:

[SacredCow]

6. So long as everyone involved is an adult, age concerns re dating are stupid...

Everybody is different. My significant other is a full 26 years older than me, and so what? Of course, a gay relationship is already "taboo" so adding the age difference really makes for some idiotic comments.

[RandomKoolzip]

8. I dated a younger woman for over a year and she broke up with me a month ago.

She was 20 and I was 34. I couldn't help but feel as if her decision to terminate the relationship was a referendum on my attractiveness or desirability as a partner. It destroyed the confidence her interest had built in me in the first place and now my self-esteem is shot. She's got her twenties - y'know, the "good years" - and her whole life ahead of her and has already moved on, while I had to re-design and re=arrange my entire adult life to accomodate her and I'm sitting here, hurt and heartbroken and embarrassed and ashamed and pathetic, finding it much more difficult to move on.

i think it's better for humanity if we all just leave each other alone. The temporary joys and little epiphanies a relationship can bring definitely do NOT outweigh the hurts and harm those same relationships entail. Plus, we'll stop filling the world up with more unwanted people.

[redqueen]

10. Ah, no...

you're attractive and desirable and I hope you realize it soon. I wish you didn't feel that way... you have no reason to beat yourself up just because she changed her mind. She's young... it's not because you're undesirable. You're smart and witty and handsome and you have good taste.

I'm really sorry you're hurting... :hug:

[RandomKoolzip]

12. Thanks. Believe it or not, i don't need to be constantly reassured or anything...

...but when something like this happens to a guy, he can't help but feel as if his stock has depreciated significantly. Some dudes can be macho and heartless and not let it get to them, while other dudes, who despite intensive conditioning remain overly sensitive to others' opinions of them, experience rejection as a pain with an almost physical component to it. And when there's that weird age dynamic at play, too, it creates a whole 'nother layer of pain and uncertainty and self-consciousness - for instance, i was always acutely self-conscious that because of our age difference, other women might see me as being predatory, which used to stress me out. Now that she's broken off the relationship, i think about her all the time and now I'm actually beginning to think of myself as predatory.

And of course, we all know how insecurity and paralyzing self-consciousness makes guys, like, uber-attractive to women. :eyes:

basically, after this experience, i have been terribly chastened regarding my behavior toward others, and if I ever pursue a relationship with a woman again, it'll be with a woman who's my age or older.

Sorry I'm spouting off here...thanks for reading this, RQ. :hug:

[redqueen]

13. No worries aobut spouting off...

that's what this place is for right? :hug:

I think everyone is susceptible to that kind of thinking after being dumped. At different times we're either feeling weaker or stronger... and that of course makes that kind of thing easier or harder to deal with. I hope it passes quickly for you, cause you seem like a really great guy.

And for the record, not all women are turned off by guys who posess such human traits as *gasp!* insecurity / lack of self-confidence. A lot of people experience that from time to time.

[EndersDame]

15. Speaking as a 23 year old 20 is not the time for Long term Relationships

I met my better half when I was 20 and though we are still together I have often thought that I should be striking out on my own more and do some exploration and self discovery and just have fun. My guy is a little bit older and sometimes it is hard because his priorities are different than mine. He freaked me out a little about talking about kids and family.I love him though and am still with because he is also my best friend

[Captain Hilts]

9. No good reason. It's not practical as men tend to die younger than women.

That means you spend your 'golden' years as a caregiver.

Go your own age or younger.

[MissMillie]

11. just my own observation from dating the men that I have dated

(and mind you, I am well aware that I am terrible at picking a partner for myself)


Every single man I have ever been with has always been more concerned about what he would LOSE from making a commitment to me, than what he would GAIN.



(And that was true of both the men who were older and the men who were younger)

[EndersDame]

14. Its an Evolutionary thing

When we came to the gender chapter in gen. Psych we were told that generally women are attracted to older men because they are more likely to have more resources to protect ones genetic offspring while men are generally attracted to younger women because they are generally more fertile and men's genetic off spring have a better chance of making it to term.

I think that now that modern life is more about surving having kids and dieing we are starting to bucck the trends and question are evolutionary impulses

[redqueen]

17. Yeah, I can see it being an evolutionary thing.

But like so many behaviors that benefitted us once, it's pretty much nonsensical now.

[KG]

16. my humble opinion is that too many people just can't stand the thought of being alone/single

so they end up dating idiots of any age/race/sex/etc.

[retread]

18. Old men need love too?

[Missy Vixen]

19. I think it's interesting

that when a guy is with a much younger woman, he's the man. When a woman chooses to be with a guy who's much younger, she's called names and generally, it's not acceptable.

I'm wondering how many years will pass before it's normal to see a woman with a much younger man.

[REP]

20. ...like my brother and SIL

11 year age difference (he's younger) and they're one of the best-looking couples ever, and they're a terrific couple. 15 years and counting!

[KamaAina]

21. If you're under 44...

...the reason is, I'm 44. :P

[lildreamer316]

22. Both my long term relationships have been younger than me.

Now,the first one was only six months younger, but my current one is four and a half years younger.
He's wonderful...

But I absolutely LOVE dancing for older men. The younger men that come in the club are generally cheap pains in the ass.

[UTUSN]

23. I dozed off during the gratuitous bashing n/t

[Tobin S.]

24. I'm a man and I prefer to date women who are the same age as me

A little older or a little younger is ok. Right now I'm dating someone who is a year younger than me. I've tried to get with women who were much younger than me with no success at all. We usually just don't have a lot in common. I also tried to date a couple of women who were quite a bit older than me- pretty much the same deal.

[johnnie]

25. My question is..

Why would people want to date in the first place? Other people just get in the way of enjoying life.