So, I need some advice about an old flame.

[mnhtnbb]

Here's the thing. My high school boyfriend (and I'm 58) is still carrying a torch for me.
We recently friended each other on Facebook after not being in touch (via e-mail) for several
years(since maybe a year or two before the fire that destroyed our house in 07).

I was a year ahead of him in high school; I broke off the relationship after I'd been away at college
for about 6 months (1970). Clearly, I was moving on and growing in a direction that he wouldn't.

I broke his heart. He's said as much every time we've gotten in touch again. In 1980 I had lunch with
him after I'd gone through a bitter divorce (yeah, I married the guy I'd met when I decided to dump the boyfriend). The boyfriend has been carrying this image of me--angry and bitter, so changed from our high school days--and he claims "Now, for very selfish reasons, I want to see you again so the last picture in my mind of your face is one of happiness...There are other things I want to share with you, and share with you alone."

Well, he is right. I have changed--a lot. I remarried in 1985. We've had our ups and downs, but are basically content with each other after 24 years. Hubby and I have similar political and spiritual views--neither one of us is religious (hubby never was and I've moved away from organized religion).

The boyfriend became a devout Roman Catholic (was not born into a Catholic family)married a woman who eerily looks a lot like me, had 5 kids, and is basically a right wing Repub--although he claims he's independent. He's a fan of Glenn Beck :spank: and actually went to one of those 4th of July "tea" parties this year.

We are miles apart from where we ever were.

He lives near D.C. He wants to meet for dinner about half way between his place and Chapel Hill.

So, take the poll: Should I go? Should I say "no, thanks."

I'm leaning no, thanks, but I could use some help with how to gently tell him that.

[NMDemDist2]

1. drop it and him

seriously.....

[Tuesday Afternoon]

2. +1

for real.

[LostInAnomie]

3. Nope

There really isn't any point to it. You're married to a man you love. He's married. There is nothing to gain that couldn't be gained through emails or a phone conversation. There is a lot of trouble to be had though.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

4. Run, don't walk.

Why invite trouble?

[Robeson]

8. What she said.

[dixiegrrrrl]

5. You can never go home again.

I learned this.
Love of my life, left me to marry someone else, I carried the torch for YEARS ( I was young, first time my heart had been given away, etc).
He comes back into my life 8 years later, sob story about how "she" had played around on him, broke his heart, he had made a big mistake, we should get together, try to re-kindle old flame, etc etc.
Except...I was 8 years older, had grown up, and the torch I had been carrying was not so much
about what WE were back then, it was I wanted ME back, as I had been then.
And that was impossible, of course.
That is when I realized that nostalgia is truly about the past.

Your ex wants to see you for his "selfish" reasons. He needs to move on with his life and I think your husband would really appreciate your choosing to stay at his side instead of checking out somebody from the past.
Oh, the "telling him NO gently" part?
" Thanks but no thanks" and no explanation beyond that. Any arguement on his part is poor manners,
disrespect for your decision and attempt to manipulate for his needs.

My 2 cents, for what is worth.
the real question would be ...what are YOU looking to get out of meeting with him?

[Skittles]

9. speak for yourself, girl

I re-connected with a boyfriend after 30 years and it was like we'd been apart two weeks

[WilmywoodNCparalegal]

33. Ditto...

Reconnected with my life's great love after 12 years and we've been living together and very happy for the past 2 years. However, in the OP's case, I'd say absolutely no freaking way.

[mnhtnbb]

36. I'm happy for you! This guy was never my life's great love.

[LaydeeBug]

39. I think I'm with you...he's just ACHING to be flipped...

I'd put it off for a while. Tell him your conscience won't allow you to avoid politics, and his politics make you lose your appetite.

[KansDem]

46. Thanks for the story!

I looked up a good friend after 34 years. We were never "boyfriend/girlfriend" but we talked constantly on the phone (every night?) for several years. I would stop by her house to visit and we went out once. But we were never romantically involved.

But she was and continues to be very special to me. I stopped by her office in 2007 (we last saw each other in 1973) and have continued an email correspondence since...

[evlbstrd]

6. No way.

Nothing good can come from it.

[madinmaryland]

7. Walk away from him. Right the fuck now.

He's only trouble.

[quakerboy]

10. Who said yes?

And how can I reach through the internet to slap them?

[mnhtnbb]

25. Slap me! I had an ulterior motive. I knew he had some old pix

from our high school days. I've been contacting people, trying to replace pix, that were destroyed in
the fire that burned down our house Aug 07. I was hoping that he'd gotten beyond these feelings that
had been expressed that last time we were in touch (when he sought me out). Apparently, not.
And yes, he's already e-mailed me some of the pix, so I've gotten what I want.

My bad.

[quakerboy]

66. ha

I asked my wife. she agreed with me. pictures can be important to memories, but its not worth opening that door even the slightest little crack.

[jobycom]

11. I don't know, I just started a friendship with my old high school girlfriend

It's nice. She's married, we're just friends, and that was the best part. If you'd asked me a year ago, I'd have said I was still "carrying a torch," but if either of us had a torch we weren't dumb enough to light them. Instead we just hung out, talked, went drinking in the French Quarters, and had a lot of fun. More, it was like discovering a part of myself I had lost.

Depends on you, depends on him, and it shouldn't depend one little bit on what any of us say.

[flvegan]

12. In a shocking turn of events never before seen on DU nor anywhere else...

I agree with jobycom.

[jobycom]

13. Damn.

All the windows just shattered out of my apartment building and a bottle of coke crashed to the floor.

[Robeson]

14. That's pretty good.

[mnhtnbb]

22. I'd love to be able to be friends with him--even if he has become a rw follower--

just because I'm in a phase of my life where I'm trying to connect with people from another time in my life.
BUT, see, there's that but, I'm not sure he's capable of being just friends.

[noamnety]

15. Do not go meet a right wing stalker

especially not one who listens to hate radio, because those are NOT people who respect women; they are men who have been taught to be controlling and manipulative. The fact that he repeatedly tells you that you broke his heart - and that he has got you still feeling guilty over dumping a guy in high school 40 years ago - suggests that he's quite skilled at being emotionally manipulative.

This is a guy who has been obsessing over you all this time and has a reason to be harboring a grudge.

There is NOTHING he needs to "share with you alone."

[Richard Steele]

19. Thank you so much for expressing that in words.

That's EXACTLY what I felt, but I didn't know how to say it.

[WildEyedLiberal]

21. +1

[mnhtnbb]

23. See, this is exactly my fear. I have recognized that he's still trying to make me feel

guilty, and he even recognizes that when he acknowledges that he wants to see me for selfish reasons.

Whatever happened to sending someone a letter?

[Withywindle]

67. I agree with this post.

I sympathize with people who are talking about positive experiences becoming friends again with old flames, because I've had those too - but in those cases, those people and I grew in compatible directions where we could still legitimately feel comfortable together and enjoy each other's company in a relaxed, unpressured way.

It doesn't sound like the case with this guy. He sounds like he thinks you owe him something. And can you really seriously befriend and respect a fucking Glenn Beck fan? If he agrees with that POS, it really does mean he's a racist and a homophobe and a misogynist on some level.

It just really doesn't feel like anything good can come of this. Not just because he's an ex from the past - that can be awesome! It just seems to me like he has nothing to offer you in terms of friendship NOW, and his only hold on you is the distant past.

[Richard Steele]

16. Where's the "Oh holy shit HELL NO!!!" option?

Avoid this dude at all costs.

ALL costs. Trust me.

[mnhtnbb]

24. You're right. I should have included that one!

:rofl:

[Tangerine LaBamba]

17. I'm always up for adventure,

and if there is a really dumb thing to do, I am the first one in line to do it.

Halfway between DC and Chapel Hill for dinner means you have to spend the night.

Even I - as witless and reckless as anyone you've ever met - can tell this one stinks.

Man, at our ages, I'm about to say to you - and mean it - "This guy wants one thing from you."

You're happy.

He's not.

That line about wanting to see you again so that he can have a happy face for you in his mind can be easily taken care of with a photo. I understand these Internet(s) tubes can convey photos.

No, really, they can.

This guy wants to nail you, and, while I'm all for goofy sex, HOW COULD YOU EVER COME BACK TO DU IF YOU BANGED A TEABAGGER?

I rest my case.........................

[fortyfeetunder]

20. +1 N/T

[mnhtnbb]

27. You are so right. You always are! See, this is why I posted this little story/poll.

He's not happy, despite sending me pix of his beautiful family (and his grown kids are quite good looking).
He has gained a LOT of weight since our high school days; I wouldn't recognize him if I passed him on the street. His wife is not heavy and none of his kids is heavy. Is it the classic case of eating to satisfy
emotional cravings? Who knows?

[travelingtypist]

18. You don't say, but did you discuss this with hubby?

This is an invitation to blow up your life.

[mnhtnbb]

29. Very astute observation. I already know--having been married to hubby for 24 years--

how he feels about connecting with old flames--he's against it--yet he does talk about (once in a while) some of his former girl friends. As far as I know, he's never seen any of them.

[Orsino]

34. I notice that you still didn't quite say whether you've discussed this with your husband.

Knowing little about the situation, I would caution you against going without bringing your husband. I would urge you strongly not to conceal the matter from him, whether or not you go.

[Heidi]

26. I generally try to avoid collisions of the galaxies.

It's been a good policy over the course of 46 years.

[mnhtnbb]

30. Good advice. See, that's why I love DU.

[peacefreak]

28. If he really cared for you, he wouldn't put you in this situation.

Under no circumstances meet him alone. If he continues to want to see you, insist on a lunch with both of your spouses. He probably would back off really fast at that. My guess is poor Mrs. Teabag doesn't even know her husband is communicating with you.

[mnhtnbb]

31. After sleeping on this overnight, I've decided there is no way I'll meet him alone.

I am going to be in D.C. (where he lives)in November to meet up with the woman who was our French foreign
exchange student some 20 years ago. She and I are going to spend a couple of days in D.C. and then come home to Chapel Hill where she'll visit for a couple more days before she flies home to France. I'm now thinking that I may offer him the chance to have a drink with us--and I emphasize us--and if he wants to hand me a letter getting whatever he's wanted to say all these years off his chest, well, I'd take it and read it with no further commitment other than being in touch with any other friend from high school days.

[Heidi]

32. I'd still mention the situation to my husband before any meeting,

just to stave off the possibility of misunderstandings and feelings of insecurity, betrayal, etc. Good luck! :hi:

[mnhtnbb]

38. I will definitely run this idea by hubby. My French friend might get

a kick out of meeting a "teabagger" in person. She's quite political and her English is excellent.
We are rooming together and it might create an opportunity for a real bonding on a life/loves/men discussion level.

[Heidi]

41. If she's anything like my French girlfriends,

she'll put him in his place in such a charming way that he won't even know what hit him. I _love_ when that happens. :rofl:

[mnhtnbb]

42. Yes. I don't want to put her on the spot, either. Both she and hubby

have to agree-otherwise, he's SOL and will just have to live with it.

[Heidi]

43. I wouldn't even worry about what Mr. Teabagger wants.

He's not the center of the universe. You just do what's best between you, your husband and your girlfriend. As my mom said to me many, many times when I whined about wanting something, "Lotsa people want lotsa things." :pals:

[noamnety]

48. Your mom sounds like my husband.

"Lotsa people want lotsa things."

When we're dealing with demanding people, my husband has a tendency to shrug and say "They'll get over it. Or they won't." (making it very clear it's their choice to accept a final decision or dwell on it for years, not our problem.)

[Heidi]

50. My mom's straight up honest.

It usually only stings for a second or two. :rofl:

[noamnety]

44. I don't understand why you want to see him.

Is it productive to encourage a relationship with someone who's been obsessing over you all this time? If you see him, it's going to strengthen his perception that there is still a connection between the two of you, and it's going to make this bigger, not smaller.

You don't have any obligation to see him; you don't owe him anything. Women do not "owe" their time to random men who are lusting after them, even when the men insist that they do, or claim they "need" it. If he wants to give you a letter - he can send it through the post office.

It would be a pretty easy thing to just send him a note saying it would be inappropriate to meet behind your spouses' backs (use the plural), but you appreciate him giving you the update on his life. And then cut him loose - take longer and longer to respond to him facebook messages, respond with tapering off indifferent light notes so he's not getting positive reinforcement for contacting you, which will keep him focused on his "relationship" with you.

I can't see any upside to escalating this.

I wish I didn't have a good friend who had dealt with an obsessive "nice guy". There was no peering in windows or following in a car, just stuff like this, long emails and showing up when my friend was doing lectures - and that lurking sense that things were not right. Obsessive guy never attacked my friend, thank god. He did, however, end up blowing away another woman in a murder suicide.

If I sound overly protective of you, it's because there are elements in what you've written that make him sound like a male supremacist addicted to rage, resentment and paranoia (see Glenn Beck and teabaggers) who thinks you owe him. I have so many alarm bells going off right now, you can't even imagine.

[mnhtnbb]

55. See, this is why I put this up here. I think the guy's harmless, just wanting

to see me once more. We did have a very special relationship--but it was so long ago and I'm such a different person. I really think he just never got over it.

I feel no obligation to see him. Based on a lot of things that people here have said, I'm now thinking
that I don't even want to offer letting him know about being in D.C. with my friend from France.
I don't want to give him the chance to spoil our time together because he hasn't been able to deal
with being rejected almost 40 years ago.

Thanks for the story and thanks for your concern.

:hug:

[Withywindle]

68. It was a long, long time ago.

For perspective: I am a sort-of-middle-aged woman. Had a career in arts journalism for a decade and a half before that industry died. College is "old history" to me, and the "old flames" in my life who might be comparable to this guy...date from the mid-80s through early 90s.

I am a been-around-the-block=many-times cougar-risk whose eggs are getting past their sell-by date. My resume is much longer than the skirts I can maybe still get away with. I am starting to think about rearranging my finances to help my aging parents. I am watching my retirement fund shrink and it's REALLY STARTING TO SCARE ME.

When you broke up with this guy, I was still breastfeeding. (as a baby, that is, not as a mom.) When you had that last meeting where you were "bitter" was the year I got my first training bra but I still played with stuffed animals.

I'm not saying this to make you feel old. I'm saying this so you realize that enough time has passed that you have NO obligation, if you ever did, to this guy, and if he can't read your writing on the Facebook wall and LET GO, then he has serious problems. Don't let him make them YOUR problems.

[mikeytherat]

35. Sounds like you have a real Mark Sanford after you.

Married many years? Check!
Lots of offspring? Check!
Right-wing and/or religious nuttiness? Check!
Carrying a torch for a "true love/soulmate/cosmic fantasy"? Check!

My personal advice is: remain FIFO (Friends In Facebook Only). No drinks with others, no personal contact.

mikey_the_rat

[mnhtnbb]

37. I was watching Bill Maher last night--repeat from previous Friday.

I howled at the e-mails he put up during "New Rules" contrasting Sanford's e-mails to Mark Foley's.

If you get a chance to see it, it was a very funny show.

[NJmaverick]

40. You guys are drifted too far apart

sounds like he is trying to recapture his youth, more than he has a true interest in you.

[regularguy]

45. I don't care about the political/religous stuff, but

a good marriage is a fragile thing. I would gently recommend "no".

[mnhtnbb]

56. Thanks. I'm now leaning towards not seeing him at all, even with my friend from France.

[raccoon]

47. You're both married now? He's a right-wing Repub, and listens to Glen Beck?

Just say, No, thanks!!!

[mnhtnbb]

57. My brother in law listens to Rush, believe it or not! And we just

spent 4 days at the beach with friends from Kansas City we hadn't seen in a long time. You'll never guess
what he had along to read? Glenn Beck's book :puke: :rofl:

We still had a great time seeing them!

[JonLP24]

49. Oh my I was leaning to voting yes

But then I come across that you mention he is a Glenn Beck fan. :scared: Obviously that tidbit makes me very bias so just consider this. I was going to say yes but as you as said Glenn Beck fan no jumped to my mind in a mighty hurry.

[frogmarch]

51. Even if he

weren't a right-winger and a Glenn Beck fan (UGH!) I'd suggest you walk away and never look back. A meeting with this old flame of yours is trouble in the making.

[grasswire]

52. tell him your hubby is coming, too

That ought to squelch it.

[dixiegrrrrl]

53. Oh..that idea I could go for. Do bring hubby, and suggest he bring his wife.

Or no meeting.

then excuse yourself to go to the bathroom and don't come back for 45 minutes.
Give hubby something "extra" later for being such a good sport.
Yep..that should do it.

[mnhtnbb]

58. LOL. Great idea.

:rofl:

[pitohui]

54. wow run for your life

this dude is mentally ill, you do know that? don't feed his obsession any more, i'd cut off all contact w. the dude, you know this dude is wrong and crazy to still be obsessing about a high school sweetheart in his late 50s, let him hit bottom and fix his own life, something he's not going to do if you keep him on a string

i wouldn't "gently" tell him a damn thing, i'd cut the cord and there would be zero communication going between me and him

NO good can come of this

you last had lunch with him in 19 fucking 80 and he still hounds you down and wants to meet?

NO, just no

plus if your hubby doesn't know already that you have a stalker, now might be the time to mention it, altho if the obsessive dude hasn't gotten violent in all these years and beers it's unlikely he'll get off his duff and do anything now, still, it's something your hubby has to know

this dude needs to hit bottom and fix his life while he still has a few years left of life to fix, as it is, he's wasted his best years on illusion and delusion -- talking to, communicating to him, giving him contact in ANY way is just giving him more of the attention reward that is destroying him

you wouldn't give an alcoholic even one glass of wine

don't "gently" or not talk to this dude or explain to this dude, just cut the cord now

[mnhtnbb]

59. A lot of people have given me some great advice, here, but your coment

"you wouldn't give an alcoholic even one glass of wine" really puts it in perspective.


That says it all. I'm going to tell him getting together just isn't going to happen.

[mnhtnbb]

60. Thanks, everybody. See post #59

:hi:

[dixiegrrrrl]

61. Be sure to tell us the rest of the story ...I hate loose ends.

[mnhtnbb]

62. I sent him a one sentence e-mail today saying I didn't think getting together

was a good idea and that it wasn't going to happen.

Received an almost instantaneous reply saying he was sorry if he offended me--which I thought was strange.
I wasn't offended by his request--just uncomfortable with it. He also said he would keep looking for photos from high school days and send them to me.

So, maybe he gets it and will keep his distance. We'll see.

[Tangerine LaBamba]

64. It's not about him keeping his distance -

this one is yours.

You keep the distance.

The man is bad news, and that "offended" stuff is a beautifully passive-aggressive attempt at manipulation. That kind of comment is supposed to set you off on a "No, no, it wasn't you," and then launch you into a whole big explanation, which would go on and on and on, and it would be your job - as he sees it - to apologize to him for not wanting to do what HE wanted to do.

Back away. This man isn't the boy you knew. They never are. There's a reason why life goes forward and not backward.

And you always knew this, but it was smart to check it out here at DU.

Well-played, my friend............................................................

[hedgehog]

63. No. No, No, No. BAD idea. Don't do it.

1. You know it's a bad idea or you wouldn't be asking us.

2. His children are grown, so he feels it's OK to play the field again.

[Haole Girl]

65. It's up to you, of course, but since you asked...

I like to leave the past in the past. Faced with a similar decision, I decided against it.

Thank you for reminding me - once again - why I don't join FB.

Good luck, whatever your decision. I hope you are content with it. :hug:

[Evoman]

69. Only see him if you want to cheat and don't care about your husband's feelings.

Cause even I, one of the worlds least possessive men, would be hurt if my fiance travelled to see a guy she "had something specail with".

I mean, why even get together with someone from that long ago unless your going through a mid-life crisis and want to cheat?

I'm glad you've made the decision you have...by the sounds of it (his response, his actions), he is a wee bit manipulative.