My baby is 13 today...I'd love to hear tips on parenting teens from some of you old pros out there !

[cherish44]

All I can say is WOW the past 13 years have flown by (!) It's crazy On Edit: My baby is a girl. Yeah, hormonal, raging mood swings have appeared but I don't think she's nearly as angsty as I was at that age...(thank god)

[Arugula Latte]

1. I'd like to hear, too. I'm just a bit behind you.

My son is 12 1/2. He's sweet and loving, but when we dropped him off at camp yesterday and stuck around for the orientation he acted like, "Uh, do I know you people?" :rofl: And then there's my daughter -- nine going on 17.

[Rabrrrrrr]

2. A girl? Send her away to boarding school until she's sixteen.

Let somebody else raise her during her fire and brimstone years.

[newcriminal]

3. Put her in a box, and punch air holes in it.

When she turns 16 plug up the air holes.

[seabeyond]

4. stay connected, listen listen listen, emotions all over so patience

and strong boundaries of absolutes. respect. you respect them, they respect you no if ands or buts.....

but we all uniquely do our children as we see fit so never one mold fits all.

i am pretty harsh and adamant with children in some areas and so very laid back and easy in others. but i have a 14 working on 15 and 12 yr old, and so far, has been very very easy.

my kids and i talk about everything.... all the time. no holds bar. straight, blunt, honest

i tell people that as much as parents moan, this is the funnest time for me. but, i think might be harder for me if it is a girl. and so much is going to reflect on earlier teachings. they dont forget.

have fun

not being snarky, lol

really, have fun

[tigereye]

26. good advice sea

a pleasure to see your good sense as usual. :hi: Actually, the research says that adolescence really doesn't have to be as turbulent as the stereotypes would have us believe, despite the extreme neurological changes that are undeway in the adolescent brain!

[seabeyond]

28. i was easy, so i know it can happen, lol

the neat thing, my oldest refuses the label of teen. so all the things they say about teens, he refuses to do. ok. and then my youngest, well he likes to beat brother. so i figure i am sittin pretty right now.

we fear the peer pressure. i was really concerned with my children being influenced with the area we live in and who they would hang with. hasn't happened. independent thinkers and aren't bothered going against the norm. helps a lot to see kids are not susceptible to that.

another one that i dont think has to be.

peer pressure doesnt scare me. wink

[tigereye]

39. I was pretty much a goodie-goodie - no smoking, no drinking, no sex,

good grades, lots of school activities.

I used to argue with my dad a bit, but the only really unwise thing I did was tell the folks I was going to a nearby mall and then drive 30 miles away to see the guys my gf's and I were dating...

[Odin2005]

36. I was angsty to high heaven in my teens. My life felt like an existentialist novel, LOL!

Add the 2000 Election and 9/11 and that just made things worse for my angst-ridden mind! :rofl:

I went though a religious Manichean, black-and-white "good vs evil" phase, then a Commie phase, then finally an Anarchist phase before I became emotionally mature, LOL.

[handmade34]

34. such good advice

I especially appreciate your insistence upon respect. I have noted some interactions between parent and teen lately and am very dismayed by the lack of respect. I look back and realize that my kids (all grown now) respected me as much as I respected them and we too talked about everything and I was always straightforward about everything. I can't imagine what I would have done if they had been rude to me. I guess I was pretty naive, but my kids are great and I couldn't love them more.

[Tripper11]

5. Me too please...and I'm a Dad...

I've had the last doctor visit with my daughter. When we went for a check up, Doc asked about her first period. Red flag...time to let this one go and let my wife take over!!!!
So yeah..I'll be following this thread closely.

One thing I do know so far. No comments on clothes, looks, hair etc. It all looks great, it really does! O8)

[seabeyond]

6. It all looks great, it really does!

bah hahahhaha. and that is not only the girls. i found the big thing with oldest. no more suggestions. when he was little, anything i said he was receptive. now,.... everything he contradicts. so for my sanity, i leave it alone and let him do.

[HopeHoops]

7. PUT A CONDOM ON IT! n/t

[proteus_lives]

8. She is going to stop communicating.

For long periods of time. It's not because she's hiding something or she's mad at you. Sometimes kids just don't know what to say.

[PassingFair]

20. Not necessarily.

My youngest just turned 14 on Sunday...

And my oldest is 17.

Neither one of them ever shuts up.

Seriously.

[hobbit709]

9. The bunghole theory

You put the kid in a barrel, and every day you feed him through the bunghole.
The day the kid turns 18, you drive in the bung.

[EmeraldCityGrl]

42. No matter what happens or what decisions

must be made, never forget you're the adult/parent and she's the child. Sometimes kids need a parent even though they act as if that's the last thing they want.
Remind her you love her every day and be kind to yourself. Raising a teenager is the hardest job in the world.

[merh]

10. 13?

:scared:


It's time for the aliens to come suck your baby out of her body and to replace her with the strange life form you don't know. Take solace in knowing you will not be first and you are not alone.

Look for your baby to return at 17 or 18, good luck until then.




*Disclaimer: I'm not a parent but an aunt to 10 adult nephews and nieces. I've watched as siblings have lived through the experiences and have held their hands and/or my tongue during this life phase.

[Auggie]

11. The Landmark Forum for teens

Or so I've heard from parents with teens

[elehhhhna]

23. lol the old est training.

do they give potty breaks now?

[surrealAmerican]

12. Listen to what she says without judging her;

don't offer advice she hasn't asked for, unless it is VERY important (as in life or death); and try to maintain a few activities that you enjoy doing together, even though peers will take up more and more of her time (if you're lucky).

My "kids" are 18 and 15. I've succeeded in some respects, and failed in others. It can be hard to watch them make mistakes, but that really is how they will learn to be adults.

[WCIL]

13. Try not to let her hurt your feelings.

The sweet little girl who thought you were wonderful is going to disappear. She will think you are too stupid to live for the next few years. Don't push is she doesn't want to talk, but drop everything and really listen when she does want to talk. Try to make home a real haven, because life's little traumas are magnified 1000x when you are a teenager. Try to be the house where the kids hang out - you will get to meet her friends and keep more of an eye on what is going on.

I have a son and a daughter, and in many respects my son's teen years were worse. They are now 19 and 20, and things are really turning around now (I'm not as dumb as I used to be, for starters).

[intheflow]

14. When she emerges one day from the bathroom

with her head shaved, or comes home one night with a tattoo, either pretend you don't notice or (even better) compliment her, even if head and tattoo look hideous. Behavior meant to shock you is best discouraged by demonstrating how much you love shocking behavior, imo. (And obviously, hair and tat examples cited above are just examples--it could be any behavior designed to shock, though if she comes out of her room wearing Klan robes or her tat says "Death to all socialists" you may have a bigger problem on your hands than simple teen rebellion.)

[Dyedinthewoolliberal]

15. Buckle your seat belt

and be consistent. Wghen it was my turn I learned I haven't lived until I ruined her life at least once :)
Now she's in a wonderful career for a large hotel chain and is doing fabulously! But for a year or two it was kinda tricky! Seriously, being consistent in the guidelines,rules etc is VERY important........ :toast:

[rurallib]

16. boy was I lucky with my girls but I will jump in anyhow

My girls were very responsible so they made it fairly easy.
1) be totally honest. Kids can take it and they can smell a lie.
2) I actually got my kids on birth control at 14. Again being honest I told them why and we had a deep discussion
3) have fun. Some of the things that kids say and do at that age are truly priceless.
4) make sure you talk to them every day. Cut through the veneer of small talk.
5) have fun!

[Adsos Letter]

17. Choose your battles wisely.

[yellowdogintexas]

37. agreed. Don't get into an uproar over something so trivial that neither

one of you will remember it the next day.

things like shoes, clothing, hair styles, come to mind.

But when it is really is important, or serious, then she needs to know you mean business.

Of course, by now you have perfected 'The Look' anyway

[likesmountains 52]

18. Someone sent this to me a long time ago...kind of makes sense..

Kids are Like Dogs, Teens are Like Cats (Not written by me.)

I just realized that while children are dogs ... loyal and affectionate ... teenagers are cats.

It's so easy to be a dog owner. You feed it, train it, boss it around. It puts its head on your knee and gazes at you as if you were a Rembrandt painting. It bounds indoors with enthusiasm when you call it.

Then around age 13, your adoring little puppy turns into a big old cat. When you tell it to come inside, it looks amazed, as if wondering who died and made you emperor. Instead of dogging your doorstep, it disappears. You won't see it again until it gets hungry ... then it pauses on its sprint through the kitchen long enough to turn its nose up at whatever you're serving. When you reach out to ruffle its head, in that old affectionate gesture, it twists away from you then gives you a blank stare, as if trying to remember where it has seen you before.

You, not realizing that the dog is now a cat, think something must be desperately wrong with it. It seems so antisocial, so distant, sort of depressed. It won't go on family outings. Since you're the one who raised it, taught it to fetch and stay and sit on command, you assume that you did something wrong. Flooded with guilt and fear, you redouble your efforts to make your pet behave.

Only now you're dealing with a cat, so everything that worked before now produces the opposite of the desired result. Call it and it runs away. Tell it to sit and it jumps on the counter. The more you go toward it, wringing your hands, the more it moves away.

Instead of continuing to act like a dog owner, you can learn to behave like a cat owner. Put a dish of food near the door and let it come to you. But remember that a cat needs your help and your affection too. Sit still and it will come, seeking that warm, comforting lap it has not entirely forgotten. Be there to open the door for it.

One day your grown-up child will walk into the kitchen, give you a big kiss and say, "You've been on your feet all day. Let me get those dishes for you."

[LNM]

22. That's great and so true. n/t

[tigereye]

40. oh, I really like this analogy! Thanks for posting.

[BarenakedLady]

41. I'm going to save that.

Thanks. :)

[applegrove]

19. Keep an eye on who her/his friends are. I got dominated by a friend. I was a doormat

at twenty. That is how far I had progressed. And my mother never paid any attention to how I was "growing up".

[Tikki]

21. Know who their friends (and those they may hang out with) are....

and find the time and a way to meet the other parents. And LISTEN..

Most of being a parent of a teen is being ALERT and INVOLVED.

Get involved with your teenager's school and academics....

Make a Conservative mad...Make sure you can answer more questions
about your local schools they they can.


Tikki

[snooper2]

24. I'll check this thread in 13 years

girl coming on the 6th...

yes, the baby room is pink and purple :)

[UrbScotty]

32. Congratulations!

:-)

[tigereye]

25. mine turned thirteen earlier this year

so it's pretty new to me as well. What I've noticed: a bit crankier, more wittty ripostes, more Ipod (aieeee!) and sidelong glances at the young ladies while denying any interest.

[dana_b]

27. pick your battles

green hair - who cares... messy room - let it slide (as long as there aren't bugs).....
out too late with kids you don't know/trust, drugs, drink? no way.

[backwoodsbob]

29. dont get mad and dont let her run over you

raising teens is simple.Don't let them have control and treat them the way you would want to be treated.

I'm on my second teen not my own...the first ran a business at 19 making WAY more than me and the second is currently pulling a 4.0 after his freshman year

[MichiganVote]

30. If you haven't done it before, now is a good time to write down what is negotiable and what is not.

Show it to your daughter and to her father. Then tell her the list may be revised as needed. Then whatever is on that list, do not negotiate. Become a rock. Be reasonable but no a doormat. Keep the list in the open where you can both look at it. Expect to make more copies.

These were a few of mine with my sons:

1. If I said to do it, I meant it.

2. If I said don't do it, I meant that too.

3. You breathe, you clean. When you clean is negotiable so long as you keep your promise of when you will do it. Time is a privilege that adults do not have. You want to be an adult...do the time.

4. Attitude equals curfew.

5. An allowance is not a salary for being my son. It allows you to make choices about what you want and need. You blow it, you've made your choice.

6. I'll listen to your music if you'll listen to mine.

7. I want your friends here. Tell me what I can do to make our home happy for your friends to visit.

....and so on and so forth.

[Tripper11]

31. Update - IT'S HAPPENED! HELP ME!

My little itty bitty baby girl just had her first period today....Oh noes!!!! :scared: :scared: :scared: :scared:

[Liberal_in_LA]

38. Please don't behave as if female biology is bad. My goodness!

[handmade34]

33. all kids are different

respect her for who she is. (I have 3 girls, 2 boys, taught high school and did respite care for teens having trouble at home)
talk to her like a real person
listen to her without judgement / make sure she knows you care
set guidelines and expectations / natural consequences / no threats
laugh
enjoy every minute of it

I love kids at that age and respect all that they have to work out to get through the teenage years

[Odin2005]

35. I'm no parent, but my advice is that teens like to try things just because they are "forbidden".

So the more you insist "no, you can't do that" the more she will try to do it, weather it be sex, booze, pot, being out and about late at night, etc.

[lifesbeautifulmagic]

43. lots of good advice

one thing i noticed about my girl, now 17, is that any type of hiking or walking together just opens her up.

If I can feel a situation brewing, and she is not communicating, I can take her out of the city or take her camping, and go a long walk or hike, and she just talks, talks, talks. Complete turn around from her behavior at home. Of course, now in her later teen years, it is harder to get her to go on any family outing without her bringing a friend.

Also, in her younger teen years, I told her that it was perfectly acceptable to use me as an excuse when ever she got in a situation that made her uncomfortable, and she wanted to save face with her friends. As in, "I can't, because if my mom finds out, she will skin me alive and my mom has a way of finding out everything". She told me recently that she actually used that excuse a few times.

[qwertyMike]

44. Avoid ALL contact with her for 5 years

including eye conact, except to give her money and drive her anywhere she wants to go.

Consume large amounts of Valium or aclohol.

The alternative is unspeakable and probably will end up with the same result anyway.

She WILL speak to you again when she's about 35.

[progressoid]

46. Yep - We're on much better terms with our 19 yr old now than we were for the previous 5 yrs.

Our current 15 yr old is less difficult at this point than her sister.

But they are both good kids. :hug:


However, my wife still has issues with her mother after forty *cough cough* years.

[Schema Thing]

45. try to raise someone you'd like and respect as an adult friend

because for most of the time you know this person, they are going to be an adult.