why men don't write advice columns

[Lil Missy]

Dear Walter,

I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my
husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a
mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a
halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I
couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbors'
daughter. I'm 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbors' daughter is 22. We
have been married for ten years.

When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having
an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I'd leave him. He
was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling
increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I
gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to
counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him any more.

Can you please help?

Sincerely, Sheila

******************************

Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine.

Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line.

If it's clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires.

If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.


I hope this helps,

WALTER

[Curtland1015]

1. Bwahahahahaha!!!

:rofl:

[Shell Beau]

2. Oh no!

x(




:spray:

[Chan790]

3. I tried to get a gig as an advice columnist once...

I couldn't get anybody to hire me because I'm a guy and apparently people are more comfortable seeking advice from women. Really. I think I'd make a great advice columnist though.

[Manifestor_of_Light]

4. Cary Tennis gives advice at salon.com

He's male.

[Chan790]

8. I used to read his advice all the time...

He's great.

This was more for a local newspaper...apparently the "consensus" thinking is that women don't want to take advice from a guy and that guys trust women's opinions more on certain issues and are more likely to ask their male friends than a stranger on most other issues. It all sounds like BS to me.

[Flaxbee]

37. and he took over from Garrison Keillor...

both men give very good advice.

I do think women tend to be better listeners, though, in general. Perhaps that's one reason why people feel better getting advice from a woman. :shrug:

[Lil Missy]

7. Okay, what would your advice be to this woman?

[Chan790]

12. Honestly...

if he's refusing to go to councilling, is withdrawing from her, having an affair with a inappropriate partner (which not to say that any partner outside of his marriage or any modifying understanding with his spouse is particularly appropriate but that the much-younger child of a neighbor, one who they in all likelyhood watched grow up, is particularly alarming), it seems likely that in his mind the marriage is over...probably as much on account of his personal feelings of worthlessness and inability to provide as on account of the infidelity. She clearly is willing to work to save the marriage; I wouldn't go so far as to say he isn't willing as much as it seems he's giving-up and grasping at whatever stability he can find...no matter how false it might be.

There are two problems here and the one that was less addressed is really the one that needs to be dealt with first. He is not capable of being in or fixing his marriage as long as his self-esteem is shot. He needs to get back in control of his life:

1.) Start setting small achievable goals in which he has control of the personal results, if not the long-term results (i.e. Today I will apply for 5 jobs. Today I will fix the faucet. Today I will walk 2 miles. Today I will work on repairing trust with my wife.) This will allow him to regain some confidence in his ability to succeed and help him not feel like his life is spinning out of control.

2.) As much as he is unwilling to, he really needs to be in councilling...if not couples councilling, then some sort of personal counciling, life coaching or just a regularized situation where he can talk opening and confide. (Many guys get this on a bar stool next to a friend or a stranger even.) It seems likely, though we do not know for certain, that he feels he cannot have this with his wife at this point or any intervening point since things started going bad for him.

Unfortunately, there is not a lot that his wife can do...it's really in his court to repair this situation. You can support a faltering partner in a collapsing marriage, but you can't make them try. The only real decisions left to her are does she want to stay if he's willing to try to fix this marriage, does she want to stay with someone who has been unfaithful to her. The threat of divorce may be a motivator at a later point to get his butt in gear and to keep him working on fixing this marriage, if that's what she wants. At this point, he'd likely accept it as simply another personal failing of his.

If marriage is a house, this one not only has a cracked foundation...it needs some serious work to shore up the ground under that foundation.

[RadiationTherapy]

16. I see you worked hard on that, but I think Dan Savage would be more succinct and save her time.

Dump the motherfucker, already.

[DeepBlueC]

22. what's interesting is that SHE wrote the letter

and all your advice is for HIM. He didn't ask for any. She did and your answer to that ("not much") is kind of tacked on to the end. I don't think you'd get the job if this were a tryout.

[Chan790]

30. That's fair...

but it's also the truth. My personal reaction is the similar to Radiation Therapy's posted above. Leave the cheating bastard That clearly isn't the right answer for her though...she wrote the letter, she wants to try to save the marriage.

This situation is largely out of her control. Unfortunately, most of the time the person seeking advice is not the person who needs it.

[DeepBlueC]

31. still...

The question is does she want to save the marriage? You assume that it is so but does she want to if she loses control and has to wait for her husband to decide what to do? If he is distant he may have made his decision so I would advise her to seek counselling on her own to decide what SHE wants to do. She can't do anything for him but that does not mean she loses control of herself. A counsellor will help her sort through the available evidence and come to a decision. A counsellor may also give her advice about how to protect herself in a relationship that may come to an end. She might want to consult a lawyer as to the steps she might want to take to protect herself financially if her husband is withdrawing from the marriage. She wants to be sure that he is not withdrawing he contents of their joint accounts while he leaves her hanging. It might concentrate his mind wonderfully on the real consequences.


You have to answer the person who wrote the letter. I would be devastated to get your reply. She can't even talk to him and you are telling her what HE has to do? What is she going to do with that? It leaves her more helpless than before, when she at least had the option of asking someone for advice.

She IS in control. She can make her decisions for herself, protect herself. If she has no options in the marriage then the answer is to secure herself in the event of its breakup and to seek advice from a qualified counsellor. She could use guidance in assessing the evidence and her options. There are a number of decisions to be made. If he won't co-operate then she has to make them on her own and for herself and he can do whatever he thinks is wisest based on the situation as it unfolds. Right now he is in total control and you are telling her, nothing much you can do about that. There are always choices and she has to focus on the ones available to her. I would not suggest any without knowing her situation but I would send her to someone who would help her. As to him: he doesn't need advice right now. He has what he wants apparently.

[Chan790]

35. I like your answer better than mine.

I didn't really think this one through before answering and this is not an area I'm great with.

[DeepBlueC]

36. the funny thing is..

I am the last person anyone ought to ask for advice. ;) But I'm good at making things up.

[struggle4progress]

20. If she decides she needs another car, buying used may be a better deal than buying new?

Sure, you don't get the new car smell, but a second-hand car can still be perfectly usable? Of course, not everybody wants a used car: some people won't even let anybody else drive their car? If she's worried about a used car, or what shape her own car is in after somebody else drove it, maybe a professional should do a check-up? A friendly mechanic may even be willing to look under her hood and give her a tune-up for free?

[qwertyMike]

25. Other than a criminal act like castration . . .

dump the f*cker. The baloon has burst and can't be reinflated.

[Taverner]

9. Develop a nom de plume with a female name

Others have done this

[MineralMan]

5. While that advice was fairly correct,

I would also have advised that she obtain a AAA card to avoid encountering such disturbing scenes in the future. :bounce:

[rurallib]

19. I think Walter nailed it.

[Captain Hilts]

6. Okay, I laughed. nt

[Deja Q]

10. I don't get it.

He's giving advice on the car. Why does he not give advice on her martial situation? Does he know nothing of marriage? Regardless, why does he opt not to acknowledge that portion of the discussion?

[GreenPartyVoter]

11. Maybe he's only a car advice guy?

[Xipe Totec]

18. He only offers advice on problems he can solve

The marriage is beyond redemption.


The car, on the other hand...


:rofl:

[DeepBlueC]

23. good point

[EndersDame]

13. I actually like Dan Savage's love and sex advice column

Its pretty good not for the puritans though

[ismnotwasm]

15. Beat me to it

He's pretty blunt and I don't agree with everything, but I've seen him give excellent advice, especially those who are obviously new to--I'll just call them more intense, sexual experiences.

[Captain Hilts]

21. That one can be pretty rough. I like Carolyn Hax in the Wash Post. nt

[Strong Atheist]

39. YES!!!! She is FANTASTIC! And the comics that go with her column are

spot on...

[Withywindle]

24. I agree. He's my favorite advice columnist, period.

The only one I bother to read every week.

[liberaltrucker]

14. Perhaps it's because we're male chauvinist pigs?

:hide:

[Xipe Totec]

17. Perfect!

:rofl:

[Lil Missy]

26. My advice would be to show him the door.

[pokerfan]

27. Dear Miriam

and why men's questions seldom get printed in advice columns:

Dear Abby,

I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision for me.

I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.

I am seeing the usual signs. Our phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."

I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive. Usually I can hear a car driving off, as if she has gotten out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi?

I once picked up her cell phone just to see what time it was; she went berserk and screamed that I should "never touch her phone again", and "why was I checking up on her".

Anyway, I haven't ever approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I couldn't stand it any longer. I decided to really check on her.

I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson motorcycle next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my Harley, that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be leaking a little oil.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?

Thanks,

Ron

[Lil Missy]

28. Ha!

:rofl:

[TheKentuckian]

29. My advise is that they had a nice run but no man on Earth should be married before 30 and

not too many women either. Their shit is craps.

If I had got married at 20 or whatever I might be getting divorced too as sobering up tends to change things. I guess some folks aren't wasted/working/or in school for decades at a stretch but marriage seems to be dicey and wasteful at 20.

[Vidar]

32. Great story. Thanks.

[mwooldri]

33. The advice is incomplete, of course.

What should have appeared between the sentence ending "the injectors" and "I hope this helps" is this.

"Since your husband is out of work, this would be a perfect DIY project to help improve his self esteem. Once he has completed this task, pack his bags, put them on the porch and change the locks. He can then use the car to go away, because it'd be kinder than making him walk and show that although you love him, you can't forgive the cheating bastard for screwing around with the kids next door."

[triguy46]

34. I think the advice is limited at best.

The quick and easy response is to blame the fuel system. But a review of the electronics is in order. If you love the vehicle you can buy a system scanner that connects a pc to data port on the car and you can take PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY in reading the fault codes. Shit, buck up woman and get to work.

[Strong Atheist]

38. Recom....

oops...

[Lil Missy]

40. very funny

;-)

[Strong Atheist]

42. I thought so. I did like the OP... nt.

[seabeyond]

41. i emailed to hubby. he got a chuckle. nt