Moral quandary, I'm confused about this situation

[Juche]

I normally live in Indiana, but for a month decided to visit my brother in San Diego. The jobs in my field (biotech) are better here, and its a nice vacation. I had a job in Indiana, but was laid off in June because of the economy. So I figured I'd try southern California.

So I have been here 2 weeks and am bored out of my mind. There are 3 million people but the only person I know is my brother. I have been looking at various online websites for opportunities to socialize, events to go to, volunteer work, etc. Last night they had a meeting about 5 miles away to watch the Obama speech to congress, however my brother needed the car that day, I didn't want to walk that far and it was too late to take the bus. Sucks, something like 50 people were there and they were going to meet up to talk about health reform afterwards. Ah well. I think either moveon or MyBO is having a meeting saturday, I'll go check that out.

Anyway, while looking at various social events and whatnot I came across an ad posted by someone saying that the California government had cut off their grant that they were using to buy psych medication. The person said she didn't know what she would do to pay for meds, since the grant was nearly $300/month. She called around and found a pharmacy that sells them for barely $35 (for some reason the state way paying nearly $300/month when a nearby pharmacy had the same meds for $35), but didn't even have $35, and she was worried if she didn't get her meds she would have severe withdrawal and her psychological problems would get worse.

So I wrote to her back and talked to her a bit. I asked if/when she could pay me back if I bought them for her and she said she didn't know, and she said she'd just go to the pharmacy and panhandle the money.

I am 30, but when I was a teenager I had severe psychosis. I never had any medications for it, and because of that the delusions of reference and grandeur I was having, I thought they were real. So I did a lot of humiliating things I will never live down because of that. And I know that even though psych meds aren't perfect, I know that had I had some when I was a teenager the delusions probably would've subsided, I would've been saved tons of suffering and my life would've taken a different path. But nobody knew how to help me, and basically nothing was done. The illness ran its course for about 5 years, went into remission and because I do several things to keep it in remission, has been that way for the last 9 years.

So I felt bad for her, I know what mental illness is like and how much pain it causes. So I told her I would just come pick her up, take her to the pharmacy and pay for her meds, and if she couldn't pay me that that is fine. I once blew $50 on guitar hero III, so $35 for meds that will save someone tons of suffering isn't a big deal.

So I do that, we talk for about an hour in the car and in the store about various things (politics, mental illness, education, life, government corrpution). Turns out she has anxiety issues and agoraphobia. But she seemed like a nice person, but I could tell there was an underlying current of anxiety.

After I get her meds she asks me to drop her off at a pet store so she can play with the animals. I do and instead of leaving and walking away, she stands by the car like she is waiting for me. Eventually she hugs me and asks me if I want to go into the store with her. So I do, and we spend about a half hour there.

I might have gotten the wrong impression from her standing around like she wanted me to say something, because after I left to go home I sortof asked her out by saying 'that was fun going to the pet store, you have my phone number if you want to hang out again'. I don't think she was offended that I asked, but she seemed like she wasn't the kind of person who socialized like that.

Suffice it to say, I feel really confused right now.

Part of me feels really guilty, because I feel there was a power imbalance. Both she and I have had mental health problems. The main reason I asked her out (she wasn't bad looking either, yay me) is that it is rare to find someone who knows what mental health problems are like and who accepts that that is a part of life. When you've had a mental illness you feel like you are on the outside looking in, that there are all these normal people around you, and you are just some weird deviant who people are afraid of and disgusted by. I can understand why people in communist countries just escaping from plutocracy call each other comrade, or why black people call each other brother or sister. There is a sense of unity because you feel like you are on the outside looking in or oppressed. And I guess its rare to feel like you meet people who you can relate to who feel the same way. People may tolerate mental illness in others, but that isn't the same as suffering it yourself.

And I feel bad. I know sometimes women don't like it when guys buy them dinner for fear they'll be treated like they owe a guy for it. And I sortof feel there was that power imbalance in this situation. I feel like because I picked her up, paid for her meds and I was a bit more self confident that there was a power imbalance, and I feel like I abused it by asking her out.

I also feel like I may've shot an opportunity for a nice platonic friend. I really hate when I do that, because I've known women I was platonic friends with but who I lost the friendship with after I became attracted to them or they became attracted to me. And I feel angry that this part of life (romantic/sexual) has the power to damage other areas of life (social/financial) so easily.

I don't know.

[rug]

1. You did fine.

Take it as it comes. The main thing that can cause damage at this point is expectations. You helped another person out. Expect nothing, welcome everything.

[Kali]

2. you did ok

relax