A Tale of Twin Cities: You Can't Get There from Here

[MineralMan]

This morning, an appointment forced this Saint Paul boy to drive to Minneapolis -- to the warehouse district, specifically. Now, Minneapolis is largely a mystery to me. I've only lived in Minnesota for just over five years, and I'm firmly entrenched in Saint Paul. I know my way around Minnesota's First City very well, thank you. Never mind that Seventh Street sometimes goes East and West and sometimes North and South. Downtown Saint Paul is more or less on a grid, has sensible street names, and can be negotiated without severe trauma.

Not so Minneapolis. That city is a cosmic disaster for the uninitiated. Streets and Avenues have the same numbers, and are mingled incomprehensibly with named streets and avenues. Worse, there is more than one street and avenue with the same number, but a different directional suffix, and they are in no way connected. Some streets (or is it avenues?) are one-way in one direction, then suddenly change to be one-way in the opposite direction. It's a wonder of design...with the designer being someone hired immediately upon release from a facility for the incurably silly. It is, in short, a maze -- a maze designed deliberately to confuse the visitor.

Back to my story: Since my appointment was at 9:30 A.M., I reasoned that I could avoid the rush hour traffic by taking Snelling Ave., then Larpenteur Ave. in St. Paul, which becomes Hennepin Ave. in Minneapolis, then follow Hennepin Ave. until it intersects with Washington Avenue. At Washington Avenue, I'd turn right, and my destination was just four blocks away. That seems simple, right? So a guy would think, but he'd be very wrong.

First, Larpenteur Ave. is currently interrupted by construction at I-280. I had forgotten that. So, I followed the detour signs to bypass that always-under-construction freeway and got back onto Hennepin Ave., and was actually in Minneapolis. I thought I was all set. Then, as the downtown skyline loomed, I discovered that Hennepin Ave. suddenly becomes one-way, going the opposite direction from the direction I needed. I got shuttled off onto some other street, and thought that I was going the same direction as Hennepin Ave, so I'd soon reach Washington Avenue and that would be that.

No such luck. In the way of things in Minneapolis, the intersection of 3rd Ave. and Washington Avenue is also under construction. As part of that construction, the signs marking Washington Avenue are missing. Not seeing Washington Avenue, I continued, soon finding myself near the maze that is I-94 and I-394. I made a turn that seemed sensible enough to me at the time, and suddenly found myself shuttling between the Target Center and the new Twins Stadium. On the other side of that fascinating complex, I had traveled beyond the scope of my printed Google Map. Now, I was well and truly lost. I tried to turn around and go back whence I came, but was thwarted by a maze of one-way and no-way streets, and found myself in a neighborhood that did not seem to me to be friendly to geezers in old white Volvo station wagons.

Now, I'm a man, so I have a strong urge not to ask for help. Still, I had an appointment and was woefully late, so I grabbed the cell phone and called my wife in St. Paul. She's a Minneapolis girl, and I knew she could help me. In the meantime, I had driven to a place I could identify. I was under I-94 and I could see Lyndale Ave N. I parked. I called. My wife consulted yet another Google map and told me that I was way off track, but couldn't direct me from there to my destination. I was told that I must drive into the belly of the beastly city and call again when I was at a more convenient intersection.

Finally, I was on N. 4th Street at 3rd Ave. N., parked in a more-or-less legal spot and called again. Now, I could be helped. "Get on on 3rd Ave. N., which goes to Hennepin Ave., then follow Hennepin Ave. to Washington Ave.," she said. "Washington Avenue is the street right after you cross 3rd St." What? Well, I got to Washington Avenue, but it, as before at the other intersection I had missed, was missing all the Washington Ave. signs. Finally, though, I reached my destination, just half an hour late. I apologized to my prospective client, was forgiven, and we got our business done.

Note, for Minneapolis dwellers: I probably have all these streets and avenues messed up, but that's not the point, really. Or, perhaps it is the point...exactly.

I will, without doubt, be forced to venture into the maze that is Minneapolis in the future. Hereafter, I will take my King of Maps with me. I will not be beaten by the demon city on the wrong side of the river. I will conquer its mean streets and find my way, despite the machinations of its evil designers. So there!

www.osomin.com

[MineralMan]

1. Note: Since President Obama will be in that immediate

vicinity tomorrow, I hope his driver doesn't get as lost as I did, for pete's sake!

[Rambis]

2. It is a disaster turning into a clusterfuck

I get lost every time I try and leave Minneapolis- I think I managed to get west by taking the East this last time but it has happened every time to me.

[MineralMan]

3. Here's a secret for getting on Eastbound I-94.

Find 6th St in downtown. It's not even marked, for pity's sake. Take it southward towards 94 and you'll be on 94 before you know it. My wife taught me that.

Sensible cities have signs directing you to freeways posted everywhere. Minneapolis seems to believe that if you don't know how to get on I-94 on your own, you probably should not be in Minneapolis.

Shh...don't tell anyone the secret or everyone will know how to leave Minneapolis and it'll become a ghost town. :bounce:

[Rambis]

4. Nice

keep that in mind-

cheers!

[CreekDog]

5. I like how Garrison Keiller once referred to Minneapolis as St. Paul's "Western Suburbs"

:rofl:

without ever saying "Minneapolis".

[MineralMan]

8. That's good! Garrison's a Saint Paulite, tried and true.

Even though we're the state capital and were in existence before Minneapolis was more than a dumping ground for old clam shells, it's still Minneapolis/St. Paul, rather than the other way around.

Oh, well...we're still the city on the right side of the river.

[busybl]

6. so funny

my hubby and I went to Minneapolis because he had a job interview. We drove out from California, took our time. OK, we could not get to the place. We could see it, but couldn't get there. Street names etc were inconsistent and it seemed to us that all the streets were one way and not going the way we needed. He missed the appt. but by then we had given up. I was interesting.

[MineralMan]

9. Yah, that's the way things are in the evil city. I guess they figure

that if you aren't from Minneapolis, you have no business being there. I kid, of course...

[cloudbase]

7. I was up there

for my son's graduation from UMTC and found it easy to get around Minneapolis. Hell, even the street signs are color coded so you know if you're going north-south or east-west.

It beats the hell out of driving in Houston.

[elocs]

10. I can find my way around most cities, like Chicago, but I always get lost in the Twin Cities.

I hate driving there. For instance, you have directional signs and then you come to where the road splits but they give you no clue as to whether to go to the left or the right. I realize that letting you actually know which way to go is not sporting, but I kind of like it.

Here's another for instance: I live in La Crosse, WI which is about 150 miles SE of the Cities on the Mississippi. Now when I apply my driving intuition that works well in other places I should be able to head south without exactly knowing where I am until I run into a highway that I recognize that runs east and west, then I go east. This never works for me in the Cities and I always end up having to get out a map.

Actually I think that GPS was invented with the Twin Cities in mind.