Dating and mental illness

[Tobin S.]

I recently had a conversation with myself. It went something like this:

"Self, what's the best advice you gotten regarding dating?"

"That's simple. Just be me."

"But what about this mental illness stuff? Every time I tell a potential mate about it I lose her."

"That's a part of who you are. Don't worry about them. They weren't right for you."

"But, Self, when should I tell a date that I have this illness? Maybe I'm just disclosing that information too soon."

"You're fooling yourself. Disclose the information about your illness as soon as possible. It doesn't have to be the first thing out of your mouth, but don't wait too long. You will end up just wasting a lot of time if she has a problem with the illness. Best to do it before you've developed any kind of emotional bond."

I ought to listen to that guy more often. ;)

I have scared off several potential partners by disclosing my illness. As soon as the words "schizoaffective disorder" come out of my mouth they just shut down. Their eyes get real big and their jaws get a little slack and they hear nothing of my explanation of the illness and how I've been taking medication religiously for the last 6 years and that I haven't experienced symptoms since then. They don't hear me when I tell them that my doctor, who I see religiously, has told me that I have a 90% chance that I will never relapse if I take care of myself and continue with the medication therapy. It kind of makes me feel like a freak.

Funny story. I was sitting in a cafe on a first date with a woman a while back. We were having coffee and the conversation was good. I thought that I'd go ahead and tell her about the illness. I got the saucer eyes and I could see her hand shaking as she reached for the sugar and stirred it into her coffee. The date ended shortly after that. I had met her on a dating site and I had also talked to her on the phone before the date. When she got home she sent me a message through the dating site saying that she had lost her phone and would give me a ring when she found it. The she deleted her profile on the dating site. That was around last Christmas and I guess she still hasn't found that phone because I haven't heard from her since. :D

There is good way around all of that, though, I mean, aside from lying. :) Date people who are also mentally ill. :think:

It's a lot harder to find people with that criterion. But I have dated 5 women in the past year and talked to countless others and I don't have anything to show for it besides wasted gasoline and money. Might as well narrow it down to people who will actually understand. I know that there are "normal" people out there who could empathize, but I haven't run across any who will date me.

So I signed up at www.nolongerlonely.com which is a dating site for mentally ill people. Unfortunately, that site isn't very active. They've got around 14,000 members nationwide and none who are currently active on the web site around where I live. I like the concept of the site, though. Damn good idea.

About a couple of weeks ago I was cruising around the dating site that I go to that has all of the sane people on it. I ran across a woman who had something like this in her public profile, "BTW, I have bipolar disorder. If you've got a problem with that then get the fuck off my page!" That sounded exactly like the kind of person I was looking for. :D

I wrote her a long introductory message and told her about my illness. She was okay with it, of course, and wrote me an equally lengthy message back. She was cautious, though, not because of my illness I don't believe, but because she had been burned pretty bad as far as relationships go because of her illness. Basically the same problem I've had except I think she was a little further along into the whole relationship kind of deal. But after a week and a half she gave me her phone number and we've talked the past few nights. The neat thing here in the early going was that I was not nervous about talking to her on the phone, which I usually am when talking to someone for the first time. She also sounded confident. Conversation flows with her, too. There haven't been many awkward silences.

I don't know if this is going to go anywhere, but it's got a much better chance of doing so than any of my other attempts at finding someone. Hopefully I will have good news to report in the coming months.

[TZ]

1. Dating someone who has illness in their family may also work

Because they tend to understand it and accept it better. I should know.:)

Oh FWIW, I am going to be in the Columbus area on October 10th (Saturday).....

[Tobin S.]

3. What's happening in Columbus?

Thanks for the tip.

[TZ]

4. I'm actually visiting my Dad in Cinci a few days before

But I'm getting together with LizzieGrace and a few other DU'ers in Columbus on that Saturday before I go home...:)

[Tobin S.]

6. You will have to give me the details on the meetup

I don't think I'd be able to make it normally because I work 3rd shift into Saturday morning. But I do have quite a bit of vacation time coming to me.

[brendan120678]

2. Good luck to you!

I dated, and eventually married, a woman with bipolar disorder.
She's doing very well now, and has had only two manic episodes in the 12 years that I've known her. Those were very early in our relationship, and she's been undergoing very successful psychosocial treatment.

Edited to add - I see you're from Dayton. I went to law school there!

[Tobin S.]

5. Thanks and good deal with your marriage

You went to UD, eh? I hear they have a pretty good law school there. Did you live in the UD ghetto? I live down by the Dayton Mall.

[brendan120678]

7. No...my first year I lived in campus apartments, then I moved...

to an apartment complex in Kettering (The Residenz).

[Bertha Venation]

8. I'm looking forward to that good news, Tobin.

:hug:

[Tobin S.]

9. Thanks, BV, and take it easy on yourself

:hug:

[CaliforniaPeggy]

10. My dear Tobin!

Now, that sounds more like it! The bipolar lady looks like the real deal to me...

I look forward to hearing more about the two of you...

You're a good man, and I believe you will succeed!

:hug:

[Forkboy]

11. I think my being bipolar is now a deal breaker for me.

Some things have happened in the last five years that have made me realize that my being bipolar is too much for others to have to deal with. The most understanding person I know on this planet said it was something that wouldn't stop her from being with me, but it was something that worried her in having to deal with daily. And that's fair, imo. I don't even know who I'll be from day to day. Asking someone else to put up with that is just selfish on my part. Sooner or later I'll just hurt anyone who tries to get close to me (ask my ex-wife Angel. She's a DUer, she'll verify this). If it was possible for me to avoid myself I'd do it, so it's silly to expect others to put up with something I don't even want to deal with.

I'm not saying any of this should, or does, apply to you or anyone else who is bipolar. It's just where I've found myself, and why I personally will never be another relationship. I've already hurt one person I love dearly because of it. I don't want to hurt another woman, and being alone, while sucky at times, is better than doing that to another good person.

I do wish you the very best of luck. Your approach in looking for someone else who understands is a good one, and I can't think of too many people on DU who deserve some happiness more than you.

[Tobin S.]

25. Thanks Forkboy

I can understand why you'd like to remain alone. If your symptoms are not under control it can make it very difficult to get along with anyone as well as a partner.

My impression of you here is that you are a kind, understanding person. I know you have a rough history, but you seem to have overcome it. I've never seen you be mean to anyone here. Of course, this is different that being with someone in person, but I have to think that what we see of you here is representative to a certain degree of the kind of person you are in person.

[fizzgig]

12. good luck to you, tobin

i was very up front with my fiance early on about being bipolar because i know i can be a lot to deal with when i hit a nasty cycle, but he's stood by me through all of it.

i hope this works out well for you :)

[lightningandsnow]

13. Best of luck, Tobin!

My anxiety was basically what caused the end of my last serious relationship.

I know there's someone out there for you, though!

I'm hoping for some good news...and I believe it will come!

:hug:

[qb]

14. I hope this works out for you, Tobin.

BTW, is there a different way you can describe your illness? Popular media has laden the term "schizo" with some pretty bad connotations.

[Tobin S.]

26. I've tried the less scary sounding bipolar dosorder which is still somewhat accurate

if not the whole truth. But I got to thinking, if I got to know someone who thought I had bipolar disorder and then they discovered what one of my meds was, then that could be a real problem. All it takes is a google search. It's best to be honest about it. There is no accurate euphemism for "schizoaffective disorder."

[suninvited]

15. sounds like a good start

and I am sure you feel good about having everything you might consider "bad" out in the open so early in the relationship. I am sure she has hers under control with medication, too.

Medication does wonders, and this relationship aside, I do question the need for you to tell prospective love interests about your past mental illness. Once a mental illness is controlled by medicine, is it really such an issue?

Good luck to you!!

[gmoney]

16. Is there a softer term for it?

"schizoaffective" immediately conjures up the stuff of movies...

Perhaps lead with the fact that things are under control and have been reliably so for six years. "I've been on medication for six years for a medical disorder, and the treatment has been remarkably successful, but I thought I'd let you know about it sooner rather than later. It's kind of a mood disorder, and before I was diagnosed, I'd have severe depression and distorted perceptions of things around me. But I've been good for a long time, and staying on my meds almost guarantees I won't relapse." If possible, stop there. If she presses for more, say "The name is kind of scary because it sounds a lot like something else -- schizoaffective disorder. But the treatment is going great and it shouldn't present a problem in our relationship." And as things progress, she'll look into it more, or you can disclose more... but starting off with the term schizoaffective is going to get a dramatic reaction from most people.

I dunno... worth a try?

[pitohui]

20. what you are telling him, is to put it bluntly, is to lie like a sociopath, i don't think so!

schizoaffective disorder is not a minor trivial illness, in most cases it requires that the patient take medications for life and that, at different times over that life, the medications have to be adjusted

there is certainly no guarantee that he won't relapse, in my experience, after some years it seems that there is actually quite a decent chance that he will relapse and need his meds re-tuned

if you're looking to have a child/family you deserve to know the true medical history of your prospective partner, hell, even if you never intend to have children, the financial consequences of an illness this severe should be disclosed ahead of time

the name of the illness is the name of the illness

tobin proposes to be honest and to look among people who are sharing his challenges -- i think what he's doing is very wise

i think building a future based on a lie -- that hey schizoaffective ain't that bad, when it really IS that bad -- is just terrible advice

[gmoney]

24. Not lie like a sociopath, but just have some tact when broaching the subject.

I agree that maybe the most sympathetic candidates may be among those who share his challenges. I don't know all the details of his illness, so I guess my little attempted statement was inadequate. But I think the important thing is to emphasize that he's had the condition under control for years, and that his doctor informs him that there's little likelihood of a full-on relapse if he sticks to his meds. I'm not suggesting he hide the facts, just don't hit her over the head with it.

But yes, if he is meeting women on dating sites or IRL who don't share his challenges, and he starts "the talk" by bluntly saying "Oh by the by, I have schizoaffective disorder" the woman is very likely going to stop listening, jump immediately to "schizophrenic" and to Norman Bates or Jeckyl & Hyde, and will probably lose his number and take her profile down as he described. But if he can explain the symptoms and how he's controlling them before labeling himself with such red-flag terms, there's a chance the person will be more sympathetic and actually listen instead of shutting down when she hears "schizo".

I'm not advocating living a lie, but just easing the woman into the idea that despite the illness, he's a good guy who is as worthy of affection and companionship as anyone else. Yes, there will be challenges, but every relationship has challenges, and at least he's diagnosed and in treatment, rather than undiagnosed and/or in denial.

I'm sorry if it seems that I was suggesting he be dishonest. Just to use some tact.

[Tobin S.]

27. See post #26

[suninvited]

28. I think that is an excellent approach

lets them know there WAS a problem, but medication has it under control.

[Tobin S.]

30. I do that

I explain all about my meds and the doctor and the fact that my symptoms are under control and have been for a long time. They just can't get past the idea that I have a mental illness and it's a serious one as the name, somewhat unfortunately, suggests.

[Blue_Tires]

35. +1

[old mark]

17. Tobin, you have done a lot and come so far - good for you!

I think you have a great idea there, and I wish you success and happiness.

FWIW, one of my sisters in law has bipolar. She is also a PhD, and I don't know which is worse. We are both painters and have a lot in common - she is a great person.

mark

[Fire Walk With Me]

18. "Date people who are also mentally ill."

I'm thinking of donating sperm at as many sperm banks as I can.

:rofl: (dual diagnosis here) :rofl:

[datasuspect]

19. it isn't always useful to define yourself in terms of a diagnosis

that is primarily DESCRIPTIVE. beyond that, it's your business, if you are managing it or following your doctor's protocols, what business is it of anyone's (especially in a casual dating sense) unless your disorder can affect the other person's quality of life. in which case, you might be better off alone, rather than inflicting your illness on others.

but i don't get this sense from you.

i think you are in earnest, but some perspective is in order: most of the people you will meet are more than likely fucked in the head themselves and probably nowhere near as diligent as you are in managing your illness.

[pitohui]

21. the problem is he wants more than a casual dating relationship

once the relationship is more than casual, you have a duty to disclose medical issues that will impact your future together -- be they as trivial as herpes or as a major as a mental illness, an addiction, or HIV

he's tried keeping it to himself but apparently at some point he actually wants a LTR

quite naturally, when he discloses, since most healthy people have some instinct for self preservation, his partners have decided that they don't want to deal with that much baggage and they bail

and this has happened 5 times by his count

if he wanted to keep things casual, i agree w. you -- just conceal or lie -- but he wants MORE

in that case, i see no option but to go the route he's going, which is to seek people who already understand and share his challenges

[Tobin S.]

29. Yes. I'm not just looking for a good time

If I was I'd never tell anyone about it. There's no need for a one night stand to know that information. It's like any other illness or disease one might have. For example, if someone I was seriously interested in had diabetes that is information that I think I should know and I think most of us would agree with that. It's the same deal, and there is a chance, albeit a slight one, that I may have problems in the future. It's a very important issue.

[Nuclear Unicorn]

22. Love is therapeutic

You deserve the best therapy you can find.

Here, take this:

:pals:

...and no, it isn't a placebo.

It depends on WHEN you make your disclosure and to WHOM.

Some people will never accept certain things. You can't change that but neither should you punish yourself for who they are anymore than you can punish yourself for who you are. Still, there is that someone out there who can and will love you...especially since love is an act of WILL. Let the right person come to know the real you first, because the disease is NOT the real you, hence the term disease (dis = not; ease = natural state of relaxation, not exertion of effort).

Just sayin'.

:hi:

[JVS]

23. I'd save it as a snappy answer to "I'm pregnant"

[Tobin S.]

31. lol! That's a damn good idea! Hadn't thought of that one.

:D

[GreenPartyVoter]

32. Good luck! I think the site is a great idea. Fortunately I met my husband long before

I was diagnosed so he thought my crazy was just my personality. Yeah, like that was normal! :rofl:

[Odin2005]

33. Heh, my last GF was a fellow Aspie.

And My disabled lady-friend's BF is Bipolar. You can't separate those two, LOL!!!

I like crazy people! :)

[Odin2005]

34. KICK for Tobin!

[NJmaverick]

36. Good luck and I hope things work out for you

:hi:

[raccoon]

37. I hope things work out well for you. nt