Married guys: A question--about your wife and best guy friend.

[amitten]

Looking for your opinion:

You are having some marriage trouble. You tell your best guy friend about it and he counsels you. He knows your wife through you but is not one of her "friends".

Two weeks later, said friend visits your wife at work. The two of them then go out to dinner without telling you or inviting you first (you are working at the time).

Later that night you find out they went to dinner. You trust them both, but...

Would this upset you in any way? Be honest.

[guitar man]

1. Knowing him like I do

No, if that happened I'd bet my bottom dollar he was trying to help fix things and telling her what a great guy I really am and all that happy horse shit, bless his misguided little meddling heart.

But, everyone is different, so what's true in one case may not be true in another...

[Deep13]

2. That's pretty fucked up, at least in appearance.

If they have an innocent explanation, then they should let you in on it.

[amitten]

14. It's not me. These are all friends of mine.

Apparently no one told the husband anything until after the fact, and he's pissed.

[zonkers]

3. "Dinner" is the part that seems weird to me. Just sayin.

[amitten]

15. Actually, it probably really was dinner from what I can tell.

But I still think they should have let the husband know first (none of these people are me, BTW).

[supernova]

4. Hrmmm. Tough that one

I would have no problem with telling my so I was going to meet a friend for drinks while he was at work. However, if what was being asked involved dinner, alarm bells would go off for me.

Only you know both people involved and whether or not this is out of character for either of them.

[Boojatta]

29. "However, if what was being asked involved dinner, alarm bells would go off for me."

Why? Also, does "for drinks" refer to fruit juice or other non-alcoholic beverages?

[NightWatcher]

5. quickly delete this OP, then when the bodies of wife and friend show up there will be no evidence of

premeditation.

Dude, that shit is cold

[Wapsie B]

6. Well in this soon to be divorced guy's opinion the dinner thing without telling you sets off warning

bells to me. Depending on the two people involved that may very well be all there is to it. But my first reaction is that he sees her in a weakened state emotionally and......well nature takes over from there.

[amitten]

16. I don't think he was actually looking for sex.

I think though that they both behaved inappropriately, or without much consideration of the husband's feelings.

[HopeHoops]

7. If she gets knocked up, demand a paternity test.

Just sayin'.

[amitten]

19. No, I don't think it was anything that serious. But I do think that

they acted inappropriately.

(None of these people are me, by the way. I'm a friend.)

[trof]

8. Yeah, it might, but...

that would depend on how I found out.
Did he or she tell you?

[amitten]

17. I'm just a friend of all three.

The two told the husband the same day, right after dinner. But seeing as how the husband is already worried about the marriage, I think they behaved without consideration of his feelings.

[dugaresa]

9. some questions

is he married?
is your wife attractive?
aside from you do they have anything in common?
is your wife a keeper? is she overall a good woman?
you say you are having problems but are the problems just a temporary thing or worse?

[davsand]

10. A response from a wife rather than a husband:

I don't go out with other men, period. I know it sounds really old fashioned, but the bottom line for me is that I never want my husband to even THINK I'm getting something on the side. I wouldn't like it if he did it--so I won't do it to him. Period.

The wife going out to dinner with the friend could be totally innocent. However, even an appearance of impropriety is too much if things are already rocky. Bad form all the way round. Bad on her for making her husband wonder, and bad on the friend for not thinking about how it might look to his pal who is already hurting.

I'm wondering, however, why the husband is out talking about his marriage to anybody rather than discussing it with his wife (you know--the one he's MARRIED to?) I'd like to think that if we had issues my husband would be talking to me rather than anybody outside who isn't able to fix it.

:shrug:


Laura

[amitten]

18. Bad form is a good way of putting it.

If I was the husband, I'd feel hurt by both of them. Even if it was 100% innocent, it was still a tacky faux pas that shouldn't have happened--for the sake of appearances if nothing else.

[Swede]

11. I hope your friend isn't Tiger Woods.

Other than that,keep your ear to the ground,I guess.

[Ikonoklast]

12. Trust no one.

This has bad news written all over it.

Looks like a case of deception by both parties involved, by not informing you of their meeting.

Get your financial house in order, and consult an attorney asap.

Don't think for one minute that things are going to get better, as it seems one party has already made their minds up and has one foot out the door of the relationship.

Do not let your emotions guide you on this, I know that it is difficult.

I was wise too late, thinking things could be 'saved', when in reality it takes two people committed to saving a relationship.

When the other party has their mind made up to leave, the die is cast.

[Shell Beau]

13. It would upset me. Gal here, but still I feel I can answer.

I feel like my BF would let me know if she were trying to help my husband and me work through our problems by going to dinner with my husband to talk about it. Going to dinner is kind of weird in this situation. Not that anything is going on, especially since this is your BF. I would think he was just trying to help y'all figure this out, but a head's up would be nice. Not sure what to think here. Have you ever thought he had the hots for her? I would guess, since he is your BF, that he is trying to reconcile things between the two of you, but since I don't know this guy, I can only go by what I would feel if it were MY friend and what her intentions would be.

[mtnester]

24. Shell, as another girl, this has as many warning signs

as Area 51.

Guys - here is girl speak:

girl - "I am not sure I love you anymore" = I am having an affair but don't know how to tell you so I will take this safe route

girl going out to dinner with newfound best friend of hubs = If given the chance I will sleep with him because there is no way he will tell his best friend he slept with his wife...PS - no one does this unless there is interest...seriously..if she barely knew the guy and is not really friends with him...ding ding ding ding (bell sound)

girl - "it's not you, it's me" = it's you and I have already set my eye on someone else

girl - " I am just not sure I want to be married to anyone" = I don't want to be married to YOU

Pile on everyone - and for the record? No BFF sneaks in like this on a guys wife either...giving advice? Mmm-kay.

[LostInAnomie]

20. Not married, but have been in relationships similar to it.

That would seem shady as hell to me. I don't know the nature of the marriage problems, but I would definitely view that with suspicion.

[debbierlus]

21. This is just weird. I would be incredibly suspicious

If they aren't friends and only know each other through you, why are they having dinner?

Hmmmmmmmmm.

[Mutley]

22. The apparent need for secrecy would make it seem sketchy to me.

Even if it wasn't a secret, per se, they should definitely have told the husband in case he found out some other way. Anyone has to realize how that looks.

[Redstone]

23. As Scooby-Do would say: "Ruh-oh." Were I you,

I'd keep my antenna well-tuned.

Redstone

[Chan790]

25. The friend is an idiot...

he's a moron who is trying to play peacemaker to save someone he cares about from being hurt.

(I say this from experience, I've been the friend.)

[JonLP24]

26. No because I don't try to tell someone who they can and can't see

even without confirmation from me. I will say I'm not longer married so sorry but my wife simply got along better with males much more often then females for some reason and that wasn't an issue. I don't worry about being invited because I usually never hung out with her when she was with friends and vice versa.

[Orrex]

27. I think I saw an ad about this on craigslist

[Mother Of Four]

28. If THEY told him, instead of him finding out through someone else....

And were open about it, even though they told him after the fact...I really don't see anything "Shady" going on here. Misguided, yeap. VERY. The BF doesn't need to be sticking his nose into said friends marital business. OTOH though, friend DID start this off by talking to his BF and sharing personal info that should be between him and his wife.

Likely the BF is only trying to spare his friend some pain, and did it in a totally borked way. If he really wanted to mediate, it should have been all three going out to eat together or to any other non-confrontational place.