Divorce and separation were just discussed

[mnhtnbb]

I think it was a case of the straw breaking the camel's back.

At lunch, when I didn't respond to the topic of sexual practices of a 4 million old creature
(the newest discovery--Ardi) http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2009/10/091001-oldest-human-skeleton-ardi-missing-link-chimps-ardipithecus-ramidus.html

I was told that my lack of interest was "destructive of our relationship".

This was after I brought home books from the library about small houses and spaces because we have
hired an architect to build a house on the lot where ours burned down two years ago and discussion
regarding that was dropped in order to tell me about Ardi.


OK. I'll back up. We'll be married 25 years next May. There are ways that I don't give him
the recognition he wants (professionally and in terms of some of his interests --like fossils)
and I have told him, many times over the years, that I can't be all things for him. He wants
me to be interested in everything he wants to talk about, and I can't pretend. We do have a lot
of interests in common, but not everything.

I have had some serious losses throughout the 25 years, including our stillborn daughter, my dog
for whom he was responsible when I was confined to bed during a difficult pregnancy and he let
her out, knowing she had been in the street the day before when he didn't take her on the leash, and she was run over. When our house burned down two years ago, I blamed him. Was it accidental? We'll never
know, but we believe the fire started from a barbeque--and I'd asked him to clear the dry leaves
away that were next to it. He didn't. I didn't--because I was 3 weeks post hip replacement and had just
transitioned from a walker to a cane.

So, the effect is that I have a very difficult time trusting my husband. I have been very upset--depressed--over the loss of our home and everything in it. I have just been coming out of this to feeling
better and more normal and then, wham.

He wants me to see a therapist (he is a psychiatrist/psychoanalyst) because he doesn't think I should
be making this decision to separate (mine, I brought it up) when I'm depressed. I really think I'm depressed because I'm tired of being criticized for being "destructive to the relationship" whenever
I'm not interested in something he wants from me. He wants me to change. I'm not interested in being
somebody different for him. I have come to the conclusion that if I'm not what he wants, then maybe it is better to separate.

Still, I don't want to throw away 25 years. I've agreed to go see a therapist, but I think it's just
going to confirm the decision I've already reached.

Thoughts? I'd appreciate any comments.

[Kali]

1. kind of sounds like you both might be right

see a therapist (find your own!), see how that goes, separate if it stays there - you've put 25 years in, a few more months/year won't hurt

[dugaresa]

2. as an outsider and someone who doesn't know you, i feel funny giving advice

however, i do recommend that you not make a decision like this if you are depressed. i know for myself that when i am depressed i will feed it and stoke it with more acts that feed the depression. i know that sounds odd but i do.

i understand on a personal level your discussion about you and your spouse's interests. my spouse and i share a lot together, however not everything and to be honest i know what it is like to what to run from the room when he starts in on a particular topic of interest that i have no interest in. however i later realized that there are a lot of things i did that he went along with that he really never wanted but since they weren't important to him he figured that going along for me was okay. it isn't natural to be "one" but we have finally been able to communicate better about our one individual needs.

i also recently spent the last year in turmoil and my spouse gave me a million reasons to leave him. he was very depressed and was trying to escape from a situation he had put himself in. his depression caused me great pain and i wanted to leave but through counseling (individual and couples) and perseverance we ended up on a better place and although i am still healing i am learning to not stoke depression with more acts that can cause worsening depression.

you have to make your own decisions however i do wish you much luck.

[mnhtnbb]

3. Thanks for sharing your story.

He thinks my wanting to separate is self-destructive; I'm seeing it as helpful to lifting my depression.
The only way to know which is right is to separate--and if that's the wrong thing, it would make my depression worse. I see the risk.

[gmoney]

4. well, that's one reason separation precedes divorce

If after a few weeks without him around, you're feeling better, that will tell you something.

Seems like a pretty one-way relationship, and you "failing to take an interest" is a sign of him not knowing where he ends and you begin.

A therapist is a good idea. Perhaps a marriage counselor who would also see you individually?

[greenbriar]

5. I am sorry. I will pray things work out for the best

you are in my thoughts

[mnhtnbb]

6. Thanks. I know things have been tough for you recently.

[GreenPartyVoter]

7. *hugs* What a diffcult decision. If you do see a therapist, make sure he gets in there too

as a _husband_ not another therapist.

[mnhtnbb]

8. We did that --marital counseling --almost two years ago.

It helped for a while when I was trying to forget...

[GreenPartyVoter]

10. :^( *hugs*

[MichiganVote]

9. So you need to see a therpist b/c you're not interested in his fossils?

I'm sorry, I'd never make fun of you or your sorrow but could a guy get any more ridiculous than that?

Men usually want their wives to consume themselves with their lives---immature, self absorbed men. That's a phase he should have grown out of long ago. He should be lucky, I let my husband rattle on for awhile and then pretty soon I just tell him enough, I've got it and I'm done listening now that you are repeating yourself. Took him about 5 years to get it but now its ok.

Therapists are usually good people who are interested in you. You pay them to be interested in you. When was the last time that happened to you? Try it out, you might just like it.

Good luck with the fossils.

[EFerrari]

11. Having a therapist on your side during this process

may be a good idea no matter what you decide. Do shop, though, if you can. It's hard to summon the energy to do that in a depression but a good fit, you know. I went through a divorce three years ago after 12 years and it was brutal. I wouldn't with that anyone. Good luck, sweetie. :hug:

[mnhtnbb]

12. Thanks. I've been there previously--after first marriage of 7 years--five years

prior to starting this marriage. I really hoped I wasn't going to do it again.

[EFerrari]

13. Btw, if my partner told me I was being destructive of the relationship

I'd be cranky enough to ask them to restate that using an "I" statement and without the judgmental jargon.

Man.

[JCMach1]

14. I would try to sort out the depression from the relationship first...

and then see if there is anything to salvage...


:grouphug:

[peacefreak]

15. I'm sorry you're going through this.

I don't have a degree in psychology, but his behavior sounds pretty passive-aggressive. He is doing his best to manipulate you. He negates the way you feel & then turns around & puts the burden of the relationship on you. What is he doing to make your marriage stronger? How is he taking an interest in what's important to you?
I think talking to a therapist is a great idea. I would look for one who does not have any affiliation with him.
Hang in there. I think you have depth & resilience that you don't give yourself credit for.

[timtom]

16. It is your duty to be there for him.

Consult your priest or rabbi.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

20. I really hope you're kidding.

She is suffering, and snarky messages about her "duty" are not helpful, IMHO.

[mnhtnbb]

22. Thanks, CP. No rabbi or priest would be consulted because

we're both not synagogue or church goers.

Spiritual is as close as I can come to describing my own beliefs. And our wedding ceremony
did NOT include that "obey" business.

[timtom]

25. Even though you're responding to someone else,

I would like to apologize deeply for a grievous misstep I had intended to be humorous. I was hoping many would recognize the "Dear Abby" model from decades ago.

I understand what a painful experience this must be for you. My joke was ill-timed. I do hope you will forgive me and not consider me in a negative light from this time on.

[mnhtnbb]

30. I figured you forgot the sarcasm thingy. I've done that, too.

[timtom]

34. Thank you for being gracious.

Actually, I never use the "sarcasm" tag. It's living on the edge, I know.

In this case, however, the remark was ill-conceived, because of the sensitive nature of your plight. I really am a compassionate and empathic person. I've been down that lonely road myself. May a happy resolution be yours.

Happy new year.

[mnhtnbb]

38. Thanks. Happy 2010 to you, too.

[timtom]

23. My dear California Peggy,

Absolutely no snark was intended! I was attempting to wax humorous and hoped people of your age bracket would recognize the "Dear Abby" kind of response so popular in the 1950's.

And now I shall apologize to the OP for any misunderstanding. Thank you for your solicitude.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

24. My dear timtom...

Sorry I didn't get it!

Sometimes things just go whoosh over my head, and this was one of those times...:blush:

No worries, sweetie...

:hug:

[timtom]

26. By the way...

When I said "your age bracket" I certainly meant OUR age bracket, as I suspect we're about the same age (based on prior posts of yours). I'm 67.

Since you live in California, and since I was there in the sixties (Berkeley), I will now say, "Power to the People! And, don't forget to smash the State!"

Happy New Year!

[WinkyDink]

28. You underestimate Dear Abby!

[seabeyond]

17. my hubby is a computer tech. 16 yrs and i still know little and dont want to know

he talks, and eyes glass over.

not something to divorce over, or even care about. i never pretended to be interested in computer, or metal detecting, or fishing, lol, though i will sit at a bank of a stream and read while he fishes.

best to you.... whatever you do.

[phasma ex machina]

18. A divorce always makes me sad because it reminds me of a death.

Props to your talent for story telling.

[mnhtnbb]

19. It is a death -- of a dream.

[mnhtnbb]

21. I've been doing some thinking and researching. I've decided

I'm going to start journalling again -- I lost all my journals in our fire ---and I'm going to start
with identifying the losses in my life. I think I will find the source of my depression there
and perhaps, with help, I can let them go.

Whether I can find the love I once had for my husband, I don't know. He was the man of my dreams, once upon a time.

Thanks to everyone for the comments.

[WinkyDink]

27. He's a psychiatrist and expects you to change for him? Physician, heal thyself!

[mnhtnbb]

31. Hmm. Seems like I've said that myself a few times.

[crim son]

29. My divorce was without a doubt the worst, most painful,

destructive, miserable, soul-shriveling, nightmarish and never-ending event of my life and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Go to counseling. My marriage lasted eighteen years. I suffer from depression and various illnesses and my ex is a physicist... I see similarities. My ex lost my inheritance in bad investments and was unable to apologize. We had little in the way of an intimate life but three years after separating I am still just reeling from loss.

I initiated the divorce. There are many ways to love, and many reasons & almost nobody lives anything close to the fairy-tale we are taught to hope for. It's hard work, it's depressing, it's lonely and it's just the way relationships are. GO TO COUNSELING. I chose not to. DON'T BE LIKE ME. You have, possibly, no idea how freaking hard it is to start again on your own when you've shared a life with somebody for a quarter century.

-Lisa

[mnhtnbb]

32. Oh, crim son I am so sorry you are still feeling such loss. It's probably

not much consolation, but Meryl Streep has a line in "It's Complicated" to the effect that it
took her (character) four years to feel normal again after her divorce!

I left a voicemail at the shrink's office today (closed until next Monday)to make an initial
appointment.

I would like to be a happy person again. I haven't been for a very long time. If, somehow,
I can find my way back there and it includes staying in my marriage, that would be good.

[seabeyond]

33. crim son

i am so sorry what you are going thru. i have listened to you in the past. i have seen and heard your pain.

BUT

thank you for sharing this experience of yours in your post. a huge thank you. i dont know how hard it is for you to share like this, but what you say is so important for people to know and hear from someone who has gone thru it.

three years is a long time, so a simple, i hope it gets better doesnt feel right. i do. hope it gets better. but more, i am sorry you are experiencing what you are.

[applegrove]

35. I'd try therapy. Sad to see a 25 year marriage go down the tubes when it could

be fixed and still evolve into something great for the both of you. It is certainly worth a try with this therapy.

[debbierlus]

36. Why don't you take some time apart - you don't have to make any final decisions

[Generic Brad]

37. I am so sorry to hear you are having a tough time

But, as with anything, there is no prescribed right or wrong answer in what to do, how to feel, or how to resolve things. If only marriages came with a warranty for when things get troublesome or a guide book to alert us to the potential pitfall - I am sure we would all have better experiences. No one tells us when we are starting out as couples in their twenties that our bodies, minds, emotions, and needs will be significantly different 25 years down the road.

Whatever and however you decide, please be gentle and forgiving with yourself.

[mnhtnbb]

39. The forgiveness thing (of him) is clearly an issue with me. In our case

the marriage started out with me at 34 and him at 42 and is a second marriage for us both.

[Generic Brad]

40. I have a good friend currently struggling through divorce

She has been very hard on herself because she thinks her marriage failed But it had to end because the relationship had become very unhealthy for her.

I don't recommend you forgive him if he does not deserve it. But however things turn out for you, don't be hard on yourself.