LOL... Bill Simmons' rules of 'Cheating 101'

[Blue_Tires]

Q: You joked that Tiger broke two of the rules of Cheating 101. Are there more rules than those two? I am just curious.
-- Kelly, Tarzana, Calif.


SG: I attacked this from a different direction: Studying Tiger's pattern of behavior as a laundry list of things NOT to do if you were (allegedly) cheating on your wife. I came up with nine in all.

Rule No. 1: Never say your own name on an answering machine.

Rule No. 2: Never leave a message on an answering machine that's longer than four words.

Rule No. 3: Never get involved with a girl whose name ends with two n's or two e's, or a girl who has a name with two k's or two x's back to back.

Rule No. 4: Use a password for your BlackBerry at all times, and don't pick a password your wife could hack easily like "TIGER" or "GROWL."

Rule No. 5: Text only from your friend's phones and phones that can't be traced back to you. If drug dealers could successfully pull this off on "The Wire," so can you.

Rule No. 6: Don't hook up with a porn star or someone who wants to be on a reality show, because either of those things means they will do anything to become famous or make a few bucks.

Rule No. 7: Don't hook up with anyone who has a tattoo bigger than a softball on her lower back.

Rule No. 8: Don't cheat on your wife with people who look like your wife, because it will make your real wife feel like you thought she came off an assembly line.

Rule No. 9: Don't cheat in the first place.

(Important note: My lawyer urged me to include that last one.)
http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=simmonsnflpicks/091211

[Blue_Tires]

1. monday kick

[AngryAmish]

2. Has Tiger ever heard of "The Girlfriend Phone"?

I am sure he has. Just slipped up. And never bring the girlfriend phone home.

[catzies]

3. He's not the only one who wants to know if David Stern suspended Jordan for gambling

I for one, after seeing Tim Donaghy on 60 Minutes last month, think that not only was Jordan suspended for gambling 9he didn't retire!!!), but I have come to believe it was also pretty likely that HE WAS BETTING ON GAMES HE WAS PLAYING IN. 1998 finals, to be specific.

love Bill Simmons.

[sasquatch]

4. Wow, that's amazing