My geeky 14 year old daughter is afraid no boy will ever like her

[clyrc]

I knew she was a little worried about her awkwardness around other people, but in the past few days she has been open about being afraid she will never find a boy she can relate to. She also told me she likes boys but she is afraid of them. I don't know what to tell her. When I was her age, I was painfully shy, but I was boy crazy and somehow I managed to talk to boys and get boyfriends. My daughter's situation is complicated by the fact that she goes to an all girl school, and in the country we live in dating is illegal.

I know some people would say that she is a little young anyway, and she should focus on other things. She does focus on other things, but I know in my case it took so many years of dating before I felt like I knew what I wanted well enough to fall for the right person. She's young enough that I'm not really concerned about her, but she is worried about herself. Anybody got any happy ending stories about young awkward geeks who eventually find love?

[dalaigh lllama]

1. My daughter didn't have any serious boyfriends until she was 21

She was very much a late bloomer, but was also in environments where the ratio of gals to guys was always about 2 to 1. She told me last year she was becoming resigned to never meeting anyone without a "fatal flaw." This past year at 27 she's found "the love of her life" and is walking on clouds all the time.

[clyrc]

2. Thank you!

That's just the sort of story I can tell her!

[Maru Kitteh]

16. I wouldn't. 27 sounds about half-dead to a 14 year-old.

As in JEEZ - that ALMOST 30!


How could anyone possibly have any fun when they're that old?


Help her get more involved with bigger groups of people that she shares interest with!

I once felt awkward about my geekdom. I now love that quality in myself.

[clyrc]

20. You have a point

You would think that living on a university campus, there would be other little geeks running around. If there are, they are hiding behind their computers or whatever else keeps them in the house.... She is proud of being geeky, but she doesn't mix well with other people at the moment.

[old mark]

3. My wife and I met later in life, but we knew immediately we had

something special, decided to marry after 3 months. Our 17th anniversary is today 3-14-10.

Everyone has problems and fears as a teenager, it's part of growing up. Not fun, but part of discovering who you are. It may not seem like it but things will improve.

mark

[clyrc]

4. Happy Anniversary!

I got engaged after 3 months of dating, too. I've been married 16 years now.

I remember having all sorts of fears as a teenager. I think I was pretty much sure life was going to be too hard for me. Stories always helped me, and I'm hoping they will help my daughter.

[old mark]

5. It can be a very hard time of life, but it will improve...It just FEELS

like it will last forever. It is good she is talking with you about things she feels - that is very positive and should be encouraged. She needs your strength while she is developing her own.

mark

[elehhhhna]

29. Got engaged on the third date, married 25 years in October

Geek = late bloomer. Didn't like to hear that when I was her age, but looking back it's true.

[clyrc]

39. I know that is usually true

nt

[Bertha Venation]

27. Well, isn't that wonderful!

Happy anniversary, Mark. :hug: Give my best to your wife.

[clyrc]

6. My little geek on her 14th birthday, (on the right) with her sister

[Bertha Venation]

28. She's lovely, clyrc.

I don't know if it would be any consolation to her to know that she is in grand company of millions of young women who were afraid of this at age 14. You've probably already told her that, though.

:hug: for your sweet daughter.

[clyrc]

32. Thank you!

I pretty much think my daughters are miracles of beauty, but I have no objectivity when it comes to them. I will tell her she got a hug from a kind DUer!

[Biker13]

59. One From Me Too!!

Please, tell her the best is yet to be. There is plenty of time for boys! At M.I.T., girls rule!!

Biker's Old Lady

[clyrc]

62. I will tell her, Biker13

she knows there is more to life than boys ( she's smarter than I was at her age) but at some point boys become important, too.

[Heidi]

50. She's so cute!

My goodness! I don't mean to minimize her concerns, but she's lovely, and instead of agonizing, I hope she can find passions and interests (besides boys) that engage her heart, mind and body, and build her confidence. Having a richness of interests and experiences is as important at 14 as it us at 47. :-)

[clyrc]

63. She is interested in a lot of things

thank goodness. She certainly isn't anywhere near as obsessed as I was, which is a good thing, but she is thinking about boys. In my case, I dated in hs, and then when I got to college I didn't date much because I was too busy with my education. I wanted a boyfriend, but I knew from experience that I wasn't good at focusing on both education and a relationship, and education usually won out.

[Lex]

7. Geez, it felt like I was 14 for about 3 years . . .

things got better as I got a little older, 16 or 17. Truth is, at 14 almost everyone is riddled with fear about not measuring up.

[clyrc]

8. In a sea of pretty miserable years. 14 was one of my best years

I finally got two close female friends who made my life fun. I think 14 was a big transition year for me, and I'm glad is was so good. It gave me hope when things weren't so good later

[Capn Sunshine]

9. Dating is illegal?

What country are you in?

[CaliforniaPeggy]

10. My dear Capn Sunshine...

She's in the United Arab Republic...

[Capn Sunshine]

11. no shit

I knew the place sucked for various other reasons, but no dating? :scared:

[CaliforniaPeggy]

12. I hadn't heard that either...

But I have to say, I'm not very surprised.

Culturally, it's far, far removed from our country, at least as far as dating is concerned.

:shrug:

[JCMach1]

14. Yep you can go to jail for a peck on the cheek- but not apparently taking your kids at 2AM to a bar

http://gulfnews.com/news/gulf/uae/crime/couple-to-appeal-public-kissing-verdict-in-dubai-1.595649

[Posteritatis]

60. That's the way it is in a lot of Middle Eastern countries. (nt)

[Commie Pinko Dirtbag]

75. United Arab Emirates

"United Arab Republic" is how Egypt used to call itself.

[clyrc]

21. Dating is illegal, but there are ways to get around that

obviously if I allow her to date some I can arrange something, although not so much privacy. Officially, all marriages are supposed to be arranged, but that has to be one of the most flaunted laws on the planet. Still, it does make things a little more difficult than they would be in the States.

[GreenPartyVoter]

46. When I was in high school our church youth group outings were often our dates. Not sure if

group outing "dates" are a viable solution there or not.

I was 14 when I started to really be upset over not having a boyfriend, but by 15 I had one so it turned out ok. Perhaps it will be the same for your daughter? :)

[old mark]

73. I am sure kids - and moms- find ways around everything.

All the best.

mark

[smalll]

13. I'm 41. I'm afraid no woman will ever like me again. These feelings come and go. /nt

[peace13]

36. Not to worry.

My friend who is 74 and has been a bit of a curmudgeon reconnected with an 'old' friend this winter and he is now the happiest bug in the rug. He didn't even know that he was looking. Love will find you again so watch out!

[clyrc]

40. I have noticed that some teenage anxieties have stuck with me

but at least the acne is gone!

[JCMach1]

15. I keep telling her how pathetic I was, but I don't know if that has helped much...

clyrc is my SO

[Bucky]

19. It probably depends on *how* you tell her that.

Teenagers are so messed up they're liable to get the message "dad thinks I'm a geek." When mine was 14 (and 13) (and 15) she was an expert at hiding how important a dad's approval was to her. Teenagers are weird, but having taught them for 10 years I hear a pretty normal range of worries in your SO's OP. One positive sign is that she's comfortable and open enough with yall to share an anxiety like that. Keeping those communication lines open is super important... and it sounds like you're doing that part right.

[clyrc]

22. She is ok with being a geek. Calls herself one proudly

It's her relationship to other people she has a problem with.

[JCMach1]

24. She knows I approve, we watch sci-fi and fantasy shows together and play

MMORPG's

And lots of other things besides...


clyrc didn't mention, but she also has trust issues with boys.

[JustABozoOnThisBus]

25. You and clyrc are SLACKIN' !!1!

Your daughter's 14 and you haven't yet found a spouse for her and arranged the wedding? What have you been doing? Get busy!

:rofl:

Or, if you don't want to do that, maybe start doing something that gives her cred, like teach her to drive.

Dumb question: what countries were you and clyrc in when each of you was 14? Was dating allowed (either by country law, or by parental fiat)?

[JCMach1]

26. We are both essentially American WASP background...

So yeah, the full normal range of dating...

The third culture thing just adds another layer of complication...

[clyrc]

35. Well, her 11 year old sister already had a serious arranged marriage proposal

It was a little awkward trying to explain that we don't do things that way and that our daughter would choose her own spouse some time in the far off future. Of course our older daughter knew about this and wondered why she was bypassed. It certainly didn't help matters much.

[elleng]

17. If you can, take her on vacations where she can see the REAL possibilties.

As long and as many as possible. She's probably going thru a 'normal' process in an abnormal environment. (You're not, I assume, planning to ARRANGE a marriage for her.)

[JCMach1]

18. No way!

[clyrc]

23. She goes back to the States every summer

I'm not sure that helps her much, though. She doesn't have any teenage relatives that are older than her who she could talk with, and she doesn't really spend enough time there to be able to experience anything else.

We have teased her about an arranged marriage, but she isn't interested, surprisingly enough!

[surrealAmerican]

30. There are an awful lot of geeky boys I know ...

... who likewise feel like no girl will ever notice them. My 15-year-old son is one of them. This is a pretty "normal" feeling for teens who are outside the mainstream at that age. So long as she has some social life with her peers, the romance can wait a few years.

[clyrc]

33. She needs to work on a social life with her peers

She doesn't really have one now. She and her sister are very close, and she is very close to her parents, but she can't seem to connect with anyone near her own age.

[Kali]

51. peeve of mine

I have observed the contrast between "city" kids all raised and schooled (and in forced, over-organized "recreation") in age based groups, and "country" kids that are "stuck" with siblings and maybe a neighbor or two most of the time with the occasional social gathering where ALL the kids of both sexes and all ages band together for a short period of a few hours and have real fun.

You can probably imagine which I find healthier.

Daughter will be fine but she will suffer a while, distract with things that interest, educate - but not a whole lot you can do other than wait for difficult time to pass. In the old days there used to be "social" education like charm schools and such that if done well gave kids some confidence, if done poorly just made things worse.

[Captain Hilts]

31. The male mob won't. But the Right Kind of Boy will. nt

[clyrc]

34. Ah yes. I know that is true

She just doesn't believe it when I say it

[Captain Hilts]

41. Mobs of men didn't 'go' for Katharine Hepburn, but the Right Boys did. 'Nuff said. nt

[caitxrawks]

37. ohhhh i've been there.

I'm only 21 now, but I'm married to a wonderful man and we have a beautiful daughter together.

I was once that shy, crazy little 14 year old. I didn't have my first boyfriend until I was 16. I was even clinically depressed because no boys liked me. Gosh I was so stupid back then.

But it all worked out fine, I guess. I met my husband online when I was 18 and he was 21. We've been together three years =)

[clyrc]

43. I remember how hard it could be to think I was unlovable

It was so nice to find out I wasn't!

[hippywife]

38. She looks and sounds like me

at her age. I did start dating by 16, though, still not much changed really from when I was 14. I'm married almost 13 years now, but you don't have to tell her that I didn't meet my husband until I was 37. :eyes: It all just worked out for the best in the end.

If I knew what I know now, I would have much sooner used that time in pursuit of the things I really enjoyed and still do but don't have much time for now. Would have saved me lots of heartache along the way.

I hadn't really thought of the ramifications of raising children in such a place as you two find yourselves.

[clyrc]

42. You are an Oklahoman, right?

My daughter was born in Ok, and most of my family lives in or near Tulsa.

There are good things about raising kids here, but I think it is better for younger kids. Certainly teenage life is much different here than anything resembling the teenage life I lead. That isn't all bad, but in ways it does make things more difficult.

[hippywife]

52. No, but I live here. LOL

I do remember talking to you years ago about you being from here and your family living here, too.

:hi:

[Heidi]

44. She'll be fine.

Show her this: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_topic&forum=105&topic_id=9279186

If I can grow up from being a fat-butted, clarinet-playing, bespectacled Oklahoma band geek to becoming a woman of (at least some) accomplishment--albeit still dorky, but that's not a bad thing--who has worked hard, loved fully, traveled the world and is very, very happy, your daughter can probably do even better than I have. :hi:

[clyrc]

45. Another story she needs to hear

Thanks Heidi!

[Taverner]

47. Geek Girls are a hot commodity

Trust me, she will find love.

Just make sure she does not fear the odd comicon, Ren Faire, Star Trek convention or Chess tournament.

[Jade Fox]

48. Fourteen us the most awkward year of life....

At least it was for me. Tell your daughter she's not alone, and things will look a lot different in a couple of years (and eon for someone that age, I know).

[HipChick]

49. I'm still Geeky and Nerdy...

I have an undergrad in Comp Sci, and also a Master in Comp Sci, and will be finishing up my Phd in..you guessed it Comp Sci...I'm told that I intimidate non-techy guys..on the other hand,I attract nerdy,techy guys..

sometimes I dummy down, and if a guy is chatting me up, tell them I don't know anything about computers...

..guys will always be there..not a bad idea to focus on education first..:rofl:

[TheManInTheMac]

53. I was an awkward, chubby, pimply-faced guy at 14...

Six years later, well, everything had turned around. However, at 14, six months is an eternity, let alone six years. She's probably inconsolable right now, but I would say that in the late winter there is nothing more unsightly in the garden that a rosebush. But when May comes, that rosebush is the envy of all the flowers.

Your daughter sounds like a beautiful soul, and that shines through ANY AND ALL superficial imperfections, real or imagined.

[applegrove]

54. Tell her that most boys get over going for the best lookin chick by the time they are 18. They go

for personality after that. Tell her now is a time to try on different people as friends and find out all the wonderful things about herself now that make her the unique person she is.

[Odin2005]

55. Dating is ILLEGAL? Where the fuck is this?

[flvegan]

57. Profile says the UAE.

That surprised me too.

:shrug:

[Skittles]

56. could I ask a question

does she have any brothers? I find that girls without brothers have a harder time relating to boys

[clyrc]

64. No brothers

or even male cousins near her age. I know having a brother made it easier for me, because I had crushes on his friends and it was easy when they were hanging around all the time. The only boy she ever gets to interact with is a very sweet young man 2 years younger than her who has MS. They get along really well, but he is 12 and she doesn't get to spend much time with him.

[Skittles]

69. alright

you need to get her interacting more with boys on a strictly plantonic level before she starts dating - lord, I'm out of touch; I'm wondering how that can be done these days. Me, I had the exact opposite problem - 5 brothers, no sisters - I find it very difficult relating to girls / women. At age 52 I can guarantee you I'd feel more at home with a group of male soldiers than I do with the women I know.

[DutchLiberal]

58. Get the fuck out of that backward country!

That oughta solve a lot of problems.

[clyrc]

65. When we moved here, the girls were 8 and 5

dating was the furthest thing from my mind. Now, my husband has a better job with better pay than we could get back home, and we have good health care, which pretty much seals the deal for us. My girls get to travel, and interact with people from many cultural backgrounds. Mostly I think it's a positive experience for all of us. We have toyed with the idea of sending my oldest back to the States to stay with grandparents and attend her last year of high school, but I don't know if I can do it. If she ever finds a potential boyfriend, we will do what we can to help her figure out how to do an approximation of dating.

[bighughdiehl]

61. I am a 31 year old guy

I have never had a date. Strangely, this did not bother me much until my sophomore year of college, because before then I had plenty of unattached-both male and female- friends to pal around with. How can 14 be bad? Some posters above pointed out that she is free to focus on plenty of other interests, which is what I did in high school. Anyway, here's hoping she had better luck than I did in 5 or 10 years, there may not be "plenty of time" left for me anymore, but there certainly is for today's 14 year olds.:toast:

[clyrc]

66. 31 isn't that old

I have a very sweet friend from hs who married a few years ago, for the first time and after many years of no girlfriends at all. I believe he was almost 40 when he married. There is plenty of time for you, too.

[AlienGirl]

67. I am a geek. I was a young awkward pimply geek with unfashionable clothing.

I was never asked to dance at school dances, was picked on by other kids, and at 14 I thought no one would ever look twice at me.

At 17, I met a guy who was 22; I made the first move, and we ended up married for almost a decade. It was a happy marriage, for me, right up until the end, and it resulted in two great sons.

Just after my divorce from my first husband, I met my second husband. Again I had to make the first move, but we had about five mostly okay years before I left him because I couldn't cope with his temper tantrums.

Now, I am in a relationship with a man I've been friends with for a while. He made the first move this time! He had actually refrained from mentioning his interest until he learned I was single again. He's a man of integrity who volunteers to help people; he's brilliant, he's accomplished, and he's good looking.

So, though the first two marriages didn't work out, I have really only spent a total of about six months of my adult life alone, and I had some good times along the way. I'm still a geek, and my clothes are still out-of-date.

My best advice to her would be to look for other geeks to date. Look for guys who have intellectual interests similar to hers. Most importantly, she should focus on setting up her future so that she won't need to rely financially on a partner, because it's easier to find love than a good job.

Tucker

[Mopar151]

68. Note from a car geek

Who was clueless about girls. And it took me forever - I finally met my sweetie when I was 42. It's better with women (Married 9 years now) - and meeting some girl (car) geeks A while before that really helped, as far as knowing what women I'm compatible with like in a guy.
Being a geek can be a real advantage in some ways. If your hobbies/geek passions give you a social outlet, you don't have to define yourself with relationships so much - no competing in the girl hierarchy involving relationships and manipulation of same, for 1 thing. And, especially "back home", she can be friends with guys about geek stuff without having to evaluate them as husband material, and get to know them a little better.
Fear of guys is kinda understandable, where you're at right now - I'm sure she's heard stories at school that would singe your eyelashes! Developing her more intrepid side - hiking, biking, martial arts, archaeology, adventure of all sorts- will give her a "brave girl aura" that will help keep the predatory types away, and attract a better sort of guy.

[EFerrari]

70. First she has to figure out why she likes herself.

Things pretty much take care of themselves after that.

She's lovely. :)

[MissHoneychurch]

71. I was 20 when I got my first kiss

So no worries for her, she still has time.

Of course I can understand her. I remember it vividly how bad I felt not being fancied by a guy. Fancied guys myself often enough. It was a hard time.

[Rhiannon12866]

72. I didn't have a real boyfriend until I was in college.

And I picked a pretty great one, though he actually picked me. At 14, I wasn't sure if I even liked boys yet, though I guess kids grow up much faster these days. I don't think it's to their benefit. IMHO, she's got plenty of time. Everyone matures at their own pace. BTW, I went to an all girls school, too. :-)

[bamacrat]

74. My sister was awkward with braces etc until about 16 or 17.

Now she is a very pretty girl who has no problem with guys. Everyone goes through that. I feel it is better to be geeky and awkward when you are 14. People who are beautiful and popular at that age seem to peak in high school. And we all know what that means, yes you could throw a pigskin a quarter mile but now you live in a van reliving those "glory" days. Puberty is awkward and geeky.

[blueamy66]

76. Hell, I've been 5'11" since as far back as I can remember....

I was stick thin with stringy white blonde hair and size 10 feet.

But, when I turned 25....watch out...I was thin and tall and grew boobs.

Give her time....