Lithuanian man fined for assault with genitals in Scotland

[Elmore Furth]

I want to know how tall this guy really is.

Marium Varinauskas, 28, tried to strike the officer on the head with his penis when she was called out to his flat, but she got out of the way.

Lithuanian Varinauskas admitted a charge of assault at Aberdeen Sheriff Court and was fined £600.

Fiscal depute Elaine Lynch said: "The accused got to his feet and was standing over the police officer exposing his penis and thrusting it in her face, forcing her to take evasive action to avoid getting struck."

"He has never been so drunk before that day and accepts he has to take full responsibility. He apologises profusely and is extremely embarrassed."

Man used penis to assault female police officer

[XemaSab]

1. Either he's tall

or he's got his future career all laid out. :D

[Kaleva]

3. He'd make John Holmes look like he got the short end of the stick.

[Kaleva]

2. He was thrusting his penis into her face and she took evasive action?

Was she tying her shoelace when the attack took place?

[MiddleFingerMom]

4. In Arizona...

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... that's just called "Saturday night".
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(evasive action)
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(snicker)
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I really should be serious about this. It's all fun and games 'til someone loses an eye.
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[proteus_lives]

5. That Bobby looks drunk.

Some people just don't take good pictures.

[arod_5450]

6. what a doofus

[MiddleFingerMom]

7. Great... just fucking GREAT!!!

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This is just gonna lead to genitalia control legislation.
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Maybe even the outlawing of genitalia in the hands of ordinary citizens.
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THEY CAN HAVE MY GENITALIA WHEN THEY PRY THEM FROM MY HOT LIVELY FINGERS!!!!!
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WOLVERINES!!!!!
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[Kaleva]

8. Every dick will be tattooed with a serial number and owner will have to register it.

[mockmonkey]

9. !

Balbricker: Now, Mr. Carter. I know this is completely unorthodox. But I think this is the only way to find that boy. Now that penis had a mole on it - I'd recognize that penis anywhere. In spite of the juvenile snickers of some, this is a serious matter. That seducer and despoiler must be stopped; he's extremely dangerous. And, Mr. Carter, I'm certain that everyone in this room knows who that is. He's a contemptible little pervert who...
Mr. Carter: Miss Balbricker!
Balbricker: Well, I'm sorry, but I've got him now, and I'm not going to let him slip through my fingers again. Now, all I'm asking is that you give me five boys for a few minutes. The coaches can be present - Tommy Turner and any four boys you see fit to choose and we... and we... can put a stop to this menace. And it is a menace.

Balbricker: Well, what are you gonna do about it?
Mr. Carter: Five young boys in the nude, a police line-up so that you can identify his tallywhacker. Please, please can we call it a "tallywhacker"? Penis is so ppp... penis is so personal.
Balbricker: We can put hoods over their heads to avoid embarrassment. Now listen: we have got to do it, as distasteful as it is. I know it's him. That...

tallywhacker had a mole on it. And that mole is the key to it.

Mr. Carter: Miss Balbricker, do you realize the difficulty of your request? Now, I would be very happy to, uh, to apprehend the young man myself. But can you imagine what the board of education would say if you were granted a line-up in order to examine their private pa... their private parts for an incriminating mole?
Balbricker: But Mr. Carter.
Coach Brakett: Mr. Carter, I think I have a way out of this. We, uh, call the police, and we have 'em send over one of their sketch artists. And Miss Balbricker can give a description. We can put up "Wanted" posters all over school... ”Have you seen this prick? Report immediately to Beulah Balbricker. Do not attempt to apprehend this prick, as it is armed and dangerous. It was last seen hanging out in the girls' locker room at Angel Beach High School."