saw my sons midterm grades in college

[Beer Snob-50]

and there were 3 d's and one blank grade.

any suggestions.

[MiddleFingerMom]

1. what level? previous grades? known trauma?

[UndertheOcean]

2. either he starts getting better grades , or you stop supporting him .

Going to college is a privilege, he shouldn't waste this opportunity like that .

[Inspired]

3. I agree with MiddleFM. Is there anything going on?

If your son is just goofing off, then tough love is in order. Which would mean no funding for his frivolities. But, if there is some underlying problem, then you might need some professional help with this one.

I had a bad year in college. I just wasn't into it at all. I still can't say why, but I should have dropped out instead of getting all the bad grades and incompletes.

[SoxFan]

4. Take him out and shoot him

[hedgehog]

5. Now's a good time for a thourough check-up. If he's in the middle of a depressive episode,

get a medical leave of absence. That will keep him on your insurance and keep the bad grades off his record.

[smoochpooch]

6. My guess is he probably isn't going to class. Tell him you don't want to have to start

making wake-up calls, but you will do it. Remind him that he has to maintain a minimum GPA or he could be kicked out of school and have to find a job.

[elana i am]

7. a little more info needed really...

but i'm going on the assumption here that he's been a good student in the past.

don't automatically assume he's just a slacker. i speak from experience. my second year in college was a gradual decline, culminating in flunking the second semester and a diagnosis of hypothyroidism and accompanying complications. basically my hormones had gone rogue. it was so gradual and so stealthy in the beginning that neither i or my family noticed the changes in my mood or behavior until i was too far gone.

it could be depression, or a medical problem.

[FunkyLeprechaun]

8. What year is he in?

My first year was absolutely terrible! I also had a mental breakdown which didn't help at all (I didn't know how to socialise with people and just stayed in my room eating MandMs and a tiny bag of crisps (my meal for the entire day). When I started I weighed 150 lbs and by the end of the year I weighed 90 with bones showing big time). I remember I could see my ribs and shoulder blades when I looked at myself in the mirror. I'm now trying to get back into shape as I've gained all of the weight back (I didn't really learn how to exercise and keep motivated).

I got therapy and went back, got better grades and nearly got honors but missed by this much! I knew a couple of my friends who made the dean's list after a terrible first year.

[proteus_lives]

10. This is a good point.

Everyone should have a year or term that's a wash. My sophomore year certainly was. The end of a bad relationship and drinking too much.

It hurt then but in hindsight I think it's part of growing up.

[Demoiselle]

9. Talk to him! And keep talking and listening.

I know lots of bright kids who take a semester off, or a year off, until they can get it together again to continue.
Of course, that isn't necessarily the course for your son to take...but, like I said at the beginning, talk and listen to him.

[snacker]

19. That's great advice for any parent! n/t

[proteus_lives]

11. Part of a pattern?

Or is the first time?

[kimi]

12. Oh, yeah, as a mom I've been there

as others say, depends a lot on what year he's in and what else is going on - is he doing a lot of extracurricular stuff - sports, social stuff like clubs, etc? Partying more than he should? - and he very likely won't tell you about that. Maybe having personal problems, which can seriously mess up grades, and so can sleeping in and skipping classes. I've got 3 boys in college now, and survived 1 who graduated verrrry slowly. Talking to him is first, and if he has a student advisor, it might be possible to talk to him/her. Some colleges and universities will work with parents who have concerns about their students. Best of luck!

[Sanity Claws]

13. Lots of good questions raised here

Give us some of the background. Maybe we can help you figure out what to do.

:hug:

[JustABozoOnThisBus]

14. Sounds like my first attempt at college

It was just too much. Complete fail.

My second college run was much more successful, degree, grad school teaching-assistant. But that was after a hitch in the Army. That's not for everyone, but it seemed to work for me.

On the other hand, there are counselors, all kinds of programs to help students. I was just too stubborn to admit I needed help. Maybe your son is more open to that sort of thing.

Best of luck.

:hi:

[Midlodemocrat]

15. Pull the plug.

Bring him home to attend community college while living with you.

I don't know about you, but I can't afford to throw money away on a kid who isn't trying. I've got one in college, one going in August and another on his heels.

Seriously. Pull the plug. I'm sure you've had the requisite 'If you don't do the work, I'm not paying anymore' conversations, so do it.

[Juche]

16. Talk to him

When I was in my senior year in high school my grades all slipped from Bs to Ds and Fs. Of course I was developing prodromal symptoms of a serious mental illness, and one of the symptoms is lack of interest in school or work.

I doubt your son is going through something similar, but it might not just be laziness, there could be something more serious going on.

Talk to him, see if something is going wrong. Is he too confused/overwhelmed to commit to anything? If so, maybe he should take time off and try college later.

[erinlough]

17. The last semester I paid for with my son's college

career was so bad that I joke that he had all the vowels except O. He got an A,E,I,U and an X. I have no idea what the U stood for, but I think it was unattended. That was the last time I paid for his education. By the way, he did finish. I guess he had to do it on his own.

[snacker]

18. Been there...

don't despair...talk to him and try to find out what the problem is. Maybe he just isn't cut out for college, or maybe he can't handle it right now. Our son took a year off (he basically "flunked out") and worked. He did a lot of growing up that year and realized that he really did want an education afterall. I am proud to say that today, he is a college graduate, a social worker, and a happily married father of two! Things may look bleak right now, but hopefully they work out for him. Start by telling him you love him and want to help.

[XemaSab]

21. I think I would have benefited from a year off working

I was in school from 1981 to 2003, and by my last semester of college I was SO burned out.

I would totally suggest a year off to get one's act together. I never had it, and I bombed some classes just due to lack of focus.

[quakerboy]

20. Like others

I had a semester that I bombed pretty good. For me, it was my first semester. I had always been smart in highschool, so much so that I had NEVER had to do homework to pass classes. College was a little different. And, in high school, I was a recluse with absolutely no social life. And I don't mean metaphorically, I mean that literally. College was where I learned to interact with other humans(say... that could explain a lot, come to think of it). But learning how to do so was a much more interesting and time consuming past time than school itself.

I was taking 18 credits. I failed 14. I passed the one class I cared about, the one for my major. I never did that again. It ended up costing me a major scholarship, and accounts for at least half the loans I have now.

What do you do about it?

Depends on your relationship to the situation. Are you paying? Are you the Parental Unit he went to college to get away from, or the cool parent who he will listen to? Is he new to college or is this a result of other forces? Do you know why things are as they are?

[Skittles]

22. I hope you're not paying for that

[Quantess]

23. Suggest he try to get a job.

Ask him to withdraw from his classes and see whether the entire semester can be permanently erased from his college transcripts. If not, could they just be marked as "Withdrawn". You won't get any money back, but, then again, nothing of value occurred.

He could still come back to college later, with more dedication.

[MiddleFingerMom]

24. We obviously need some info from you.

.
Is it his first semester? That's HUGE in any advice/decision. All sorts of
things can have gone wrong (including but not limited to the just plain slacker
fucking off that a surprising number on this list seem to be assuming as fact
without your input).
,
Is it his first time away from home and YOUR structured life?
.
Did he take on an outrageous course load instead of easing into his education?
I took a science-level chem course my first semester -- A-grade work everywhere else
but that ONE course overwhelmed me. I dropped focus on everything else and pulled
that F-grade Chem up to a B-... but everything else dropped from A's to B's. Important
lesson learned -- but it was one I had to learn.
.
Has he been ill? People above have mentioned mental and or emotional challenges --
certainly something to explore. Is he depressed? Is he eating well and regularly?
Does he have the focus normal for him? Talk to him and listen to him -- that's the
best advice I've seen on this thread so far. Talk to him and listen to him.
.
Is he physically ill? One semester in Pennsylvania, I'm pretty sure NOW that I
was enduring a bout of Valley Fever (from visiting here), something specific to several
small desert regions, including the Sonoran Desert in Tucson. VERY debilitating. My
doctor was clueless and just had me ride it out (took MONTHS, but his experience didn't
point him to the possibility of Valley Fever -- doesn't exist in Pennsylvania and he
missed asking a crucial question or two in my history). I bulled my way through it, but
there wasn't a SINGLE DAY that I didn't want to just say fuck it and drop out. Again,
is he physically ill? That can include psycho-somatic symptoms brought on by stress,
etc.
.
If he's beyond his first semester -- how has he done up 'til now? If this is a
drastic departure, he may need anything from encouragement from you to motivational
help from professionals -- and that's probably available for free at his school.
.
Is he being bullied/harassed? Has he split with a S/O? Is he just plain lonely or
homesick? Any gender/orientation issues that he's just realized or is finally dealing
with?
.
This is a biggie, too. Are drugs or alcohol involved? If he's had or has developed
a problem, he's in an environment that will give him plenty of encouragement for denial
and rationalizations. Hell, it'll give him plenty of just plain WOO-HOO encouragement.
Talk to him and listen to him.
.
Is he into gaming seriously? Has he developed a problem? Me -- it was Legend of
Zelda 'til 4 or 5 AM EVERY morning and then several hours of sleep -- had to go
cold turkey and still won't (hell... CAN'T) have a game machine in my house.
.
Lastly, but just as importantly, is he (as many above seem to immediately presume),
just plain fucking off and slacking? Straight from high school to college is not for
everyone -- despite how hard that route is PUSHED at young people -- and it may have
taken a while to catch up to him. Some take a semester or a year or two off for "life
experience" (read that as fucked-up entry-level job. perhaps involving a paper hat or a
necktie AND a name tag. DEFINITELY a motivator to do well in college.
.
The Army straightened me out/gave me focus and confidence. I used to suggest that as a
last resort solution, but not now. NOT AT ALL, NOW. I think they're abusing these young
men and women and they (and we) will be suffering for it 10 years or more down the road.
Look at all the PTSD from a strict-boundaried single one-year tour in Vietnam. And look
at these poor folks going back and going back and going back with indeterminate tours of
duty in combat zones. We will ALL pay for the sins of the chickenhawks' for a long, long
time.
.
However... me, if I'da gone straight to college, I have no doubt that I would have
drunk/smoked my way through a year of Bluto's life from Animal House, dropped out with
a 0.0 GPA and a substance abuse problem, and been so soured on the experience that I
probably would never have gone back.
.
I waited 10 years before I could afford to go, even with the GI Bill and grants (I was
smart enough not to take out a single student loan). I worked fulltime and went to school
fulltime simultaneously and maintained a 3.6 GPA. I was hungry -- HONGRY for larnin' by
then.
.
Talk to him and listen to him. BIG.
.
And then talk to us (and maybe listen to us). There's a wealth of experience and
perspective here for you to weigh.
.
Again, crucial info from you is needed for a lot of people with a whole spectrum of
personal experience to suggest things.
.
Sorry for any grammatical mistakes. etc. Too tired/unfocused to proofread very well.
.

[Beer Snob-50]

25. thanks for all the advice

he was kicked out of a college away from home last year when he did party too much. a little background however. he was in a special ed class all the way through high school. had lots of help along the way. since he hit college he though he didn't need that help (it was and is still offered to him).

I guess I have to just keep on him and work with him.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

26. yes, keep him motivated and maybe tutors for some classes --

good luck.

[Beer Snob-50]

28. thnaks!!! NT

[Captain Hilts]

27. This is what ultimatums are for. College is too expensive to screw around with. nt

[burrfoot]

29. Unless this isn't the first time,

please DO NOT just "pull the plug." I went through this in college- got a straight 0.0 the first semester of my senior year; and I was simply being a jackass, drinking and partying way too much. My folks made a deal with me that I'd try an anti depressant and that I'd go to counseling for the next term if I was going to be allowed to go back. I did, I graduated, and I'm fine- as was mentioned up thread, I think a lot of kids need to go through this at some point in the growing up process.

FWIW, I graduated with a BA in psychology and have been gainfully employed ever since :)
I did, however, end up with a 2.7 overall GPA (it's really hard to make up for a 0.0); and it's made all the continuing school I've done harder to get into and I've had to explain "what happened back then" every time I've sat for an interview (academic interview).

It's hard to work your way out of a hole like that, but it may end up being a valuable lesson for him. Sounds cliche, I know, but it really was for me.

YMMV, of course.

Good luck!

[BreweryYardRat]

30. Go get several psychiatrists to check him out.

If they all diagnose him with the same disorder, get him treated, pronto. Pills, counseling, working to develop coping mechanisms -- whatever it takes. Mental health issues can really fuck up someone's ability to do well in school.