Japanese Foreign exchange student problems

[willing dwarf]

Heavy sigh. The Japanese girl who has been staying with our family for the past two weeks is a sweet young thing, actually about 17, but she seems much younger. She is here with her high school class to learn about American culture. The visit has been smooth, but not very warm. She hardly speaks English, and she is very reluctant to try new things or explore beyond the edges of the familiar. Still we've tried to be as hospitable, warm and welcoming as possible.

There have been strains though. One of the big ones is -- oddly- to do with lady bugs. Apparently she has a horror of bugs, all bugs, and we live in an old farmhouse in the country. We long ago made our peace with bugs and now generally accept that there's always crawling around on the walls, the windows, the floor. But she hates them and is determined to kill them.

Now harming innocent lady bugs is one thing (she started stabbing them when I told her she couldn't vacuum them any longer as I feared she'd burn out the motor doing so much vacuuming. -- But then my husband, who is a kind gentle farmer, came in. He told me that he when he comes home this girl never acknowledges him, never even looks up or says hello. His feelings are hurt as he is the head of the house, and she doesn't express any awareness or gratitude that it is thanks to him that she is here.

I spoke very plainly to her and told her that this was not acceptable. When he came home she had to say hello. When she left she had to say good bye. She came to learn American culture, but being told this was very very upsetting to her. She's been crying all night. I feel bad, but I don't know how these two worlds can co-exist without some communication. I thought speaking about it would help to move the problem out into the open, but she has shut down and is just miserable. -- Any thoughts on this?

[Shell Beau]

1. Maybe the feeling is mutual?

Are you as welcoming of her culture as you want her to be of ours? It should be a learning experience for all.

[willing dwarf]

3. I think I am

though of course, it's hard to say for certain. I used to run international workcamps, have traveled extensively and have had other international guests, so I think I am open.

The language barrier is difficult though plus the Japanese school they come from was very definite that they wanted this to be a chance for their girls to learn about a different culture, and asked that we push them to live as part of our household, and really get outside their own experience. They specifically requested that we not make it as much about us learning how to be Japanese as to teach them how life is lived here. -- I'm not sure that's such a good idea, like you, I feel like it's nice if there's reciprocity.

I have the sense that they have been pushed to be as much like us as possible, (like this girl immediately asked for milk, even though later I learned she couldn't really digest milk. I think that her teachers told them that Americans drank milk and so they should expect to drink milk, so she tried very hard to do so, and gave herself bad stomach cramps...) so I think that these small things seem major to her.

[Dappleganger]

7. It sounds like your expectations were very high...

as were hers, and both need to be brought down to reality.

Most of the students we've had tended to be very open to new things, asked many questions and did their best to 'fit in.' Sometimes there was miscommunication but we tried to not make a big deal out of anything. We also tried to remember that these kids were also just regular teenagers with attitude challenges like any other teen. In their own families they have the emotional freedom to cut loose with snark, slam a door, etc. They will keep it pent up in a host home but the feelings of frustration are still there.

Shy teens are especially difficult because they will say that everything is ok, will smile at their meals and nod but later you find they are very lost and frustrated. Some of them have very high ideas of their American 'dream' and it doesn't always match up with reality. As they experience that loss, they find themselves unable to communicate and either completely withdraw or break down emotionally.

And this is probably the number one reason we preferred getting teen boys. :)

[willing dwarf]

15. Thanks Dappleganger

Your thoughts and advice is very sensible. Now that I think of it,I've always had girl exchange students, but maybe boys at this age would be easier.

She woke up this morning and seemed to be alright, though I think you are right about the difficulties of being shy.

[XemaSab]

2. How much longer is she going to be there?

:shrug:

[willing dwarf]

4. Just another two weeks

I'll be glad when it's over. I'm sorry to say but I'm just so tired....

[Dappleganger]

6. Maybe you need a break too...

contact the coordinator and try to set up a few days so that she can go stay with another family, if possible. If you are this miserable and ready to be finished with it then there is no sense in doing more damage.

[Dappleganger]

5. Hopefully this will be helpful, we've had a number of exchange students

including Japanese.

First of all, she's scared to death! She is probably very afraid of hurting your feelings, and now that you've made it plain that she has she is probably convinced that you hate her. If she's been up crying all night long, IMO you should go and apologize to her and probably contact her coordinator in order to figure out a way to talk with her. She probably feels that she has not only shamed herself but also her family, who spent so much money to send her to the US to learn about a new place.

Many Japanese girls do tend to be shy and don't want you to see them be upset (although this is changing). They have a very different culture and from what you've described there's been a huge break.

This young lady needs someone with whom she feels safe to talk with on her behalf and it probably won't be you. This is why you need the coordinator to come and intervene. Sometimes it just takes one conversation, but at times the student just isn't a good match for your family.

How long is she supposed to stay? You don't want her to be miserable, that's for sure.

BTW, although you meant well to correct her in the act you criticized her and embarrassed her in the process. She is probably very deeply hurt and as the adult you should be the one to apologize and try to build a bridge back to her. Ask the coordinator how to do this.

HTH

[Haole Girl]

8. +1

Many cultural differences (many) between Japanese and American girls.

The lady bug thing is kinda weird, though. :-( Lady bugs eat aphids!

[Dappleganger]

10. If it was me, I'd try to convince her that ladybugs are considered to be good luck.

That may help her to tolerate them more.

[willing dwarf]

16. Indeed!

That was my first idea too!

:-)

[NewJeffCT]

17. excellent advice

and, Lydia's down below as well.

[Quantess]

9. I bet she's homesick and feeling culture shock.

I'm sure she wants to make a good impression but doesn't know how.

[applegrove]

11. She sounds terribly shy. I was at one point in my life. I couldn't change the part of

my hair in early high school because I was afraid of the attention that would bring. I wanted to be left alone. I stupidly hung out with someone who definitely didn't want to leave things alone. I was strung out and depressed by the time high school ended. I had no working memory. Sounds to me like your girl is terribly introverted too. Just let her be. She is probably terribly shy of your husband because he is a man. Allow her to avoid him. Saying hello to someone she doesn't feel comfortable around takes allot out of her. So she naturally didn't. She wasn't trying to be rude..she was just trying to cope with all the new stimulus. I would apologize to her for her being so upset and say you know she is shy and you'll let her be and let her only participate in things that she feels okay with. Tell her to just let you know if she wants to participate. Don't pressure her (it may not seem like it could be humanly possible for it to be pressure but it is). She'll likely grow out of it and this trip to the USA is certainly already a real challenge for her LOL!. IMHO.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

12. The ladybug thing is downright weird, but I can probably explain the rest

Your exchange student is shy and doesn't speak English well. Try to do as many things as possible with her that don't require language, especially outdoor games and other things that don't involve intellectual pressure.

Japanese students tend to think that they have to have THE right answer for everything, so she's literally afraid to speak English.

Does she attend a girls' school? Does she have a father at home?

Her culture tries to avoid direct confrontation. She's not really a family member, so when you laid down the law about greeting your husband, it felt like a direct confrontation. It would have been better to find another Japanese student, perhaps one who was more outgoing and spoke English better, to act as your intermediary.

If it weren't so late at night, I could tell stories about how the indirect approach worked to settle disputes in the context of Japanese culture.

[Dappleganger]

13. Agreed, direct confrontation wasn't a wise approach.

[Blue_Tires]

14. part of me understands

I've had a HUGE insect phobia pretty much all of my life--I'm talking paralysis and hyper-ventilating (Not Ladybird Beetles, more like the biting/stinging ones)

[tigereye]

18. it's interesting because most folks I have met from Japan are very invested

in thanking and honoring people, but also they were not very over-expressive about it, there was a kind of reserve.

[Lyric]

19. I have a Japanese friend, so I asked her.

She says that in Japan, people do NOT, ever, directly confront each other unless it's a serious fight--and sometimes not even then. She says that back home, even making a direct statement of fact always has to be mitigated--for example, if it's a really hot day outside, they say something like "The day is very hot, if you think it is." They never just STATE it--there's always that little polite qualifier. I think that might be where you messed up. She would have taken a direct, matter-of-fact statement (even if polite) as serious aggression toward her. I guess you could say that it's the Japanese equivalent of screaming in her face.

She says you should probably apologize to her, because she'll be too horrified and frightened to have much fun if you don't. She also says that when you apologize, it might help to bow halfway to her and stay bowed while you're speaking, because apparently the longer you are bowed, the more serious and heartfelt your apology is taken to be. After the apology, she says to tell her that your husband would be honored to speak with her more often, if it wouldn't trouble her to do so, and not to be pushy about it--at that point, the "politeness" onus would be on her, and she'll probably do so, although expecting enthusiasm from her might be too much--my friend says that Japanese women and teens can sometimes be extremely shy around foreign men.

I think I managed to remember everything she said without messing it up, but if there's someone else here who's Japanese and wants to correct me here, please do so by all means. Good luck!

[pitohui]

20. what lyric and lydia leftcoast said

the american fetish for "confrontation" and airing one's problems/issues is just not done, i was warned while in japan that if i asked a question and the answer was "no" that i wouldn't hear "no," i'd hear a "yes but" type of reply that would seem v. indirect and around the bush -- this is actually in accord w. my public nature, IRL i do not like to confront, so i felt comfortable there but for the average american it could be QUITE the adjustment

also in japan it seemed as if teen girls went in groups and were the giggly type of shy that would egg each other on to approach a stranger (for example, to have their photos made with the gringa) but, all on her own, she's prob. having a tough transition and she's simply afraid to talk to an adult male, esp. a foreign one

she came all this way because she DOES want to grow and to learn but it's still scary

taking it out on the lady bugs is one of those things, years later, you'll both laugh about it

[Deep13]

23. That's pretty much what I was thinking. nt

[NuttyFluffers]

21. you got a lot of good cultural advice here. remember, think spiral talk, not direct line talk.

also, what you think is "not warm" is probably a huge misunderstanding. pretty much the only "warm" people akin to our conventional thinking would be the very lively merchant lifestyle of Osaka area. and even then, culturally, Japan is very reserved (not conservative -- reserved).

here's a big hint to gauge her reactions -- focus on her eyes. it's there where she smiles, says hello, listens, etc. and vice versa, your eyes are her window into how she should behave into accommodating herself into your environment. don't stare into them, just use the 2-3 second rule of look, disengage, and then speak of tangential generalities.

also think subtle. for example: leaving articles in Japanese/English that Ladybugs helps keep even scarier bugs away and keeps your old farmhouse cleaner would be a help. but then it needs to be sandwiched into a pamphlet of "bugs of North America" letting people know the difference between ticks, fleas, beetles, butterflies and the like. and then you'd have to bring it up as a conversation of things she'd like to keep as a souvenir understanding the location she lived at. so placed as a gift to relate her experiences back home, and slyly mentioned information for her health and safety and personal edification, and couched within information how ladybugs are harmless, and a round about conversation how you'd like to share this with her to give her peace of mind that you do not want to ever willingly expose her to scary bugs, while offering her a memento about her brave adventures in rural America... you start to see how it becomes a dance to relate info.

literally, Japan and American culture are almost polar opposites in so many societal ways. but it can be bridged if you keep in mind that they are skittish of making ANY social faux pas. if you remember, "perfection or ELSE!..." it's easy to empathize with the sheer terror of expectation many Japanese place themselves under, let alone what their society reinforces.

further, does she come from Tokyo or another big city? there are rural/exurban Japanese who are used to driving and are nowhere near as skittish about what involves life near the country. city/country divide is pretty intense even for people of the same culture; it would be harder if you had no idea what dangerous things are out there.

edit: about "Hello/Goodbye" this would be a good time to offer her a fun lesson of how easy English *can* be!

When Someone Leaves Home:

Japanese
Leaving Person: Ittekimasu (I'll go and come back)
Staying Person: Itterasshai (Please go and come back)

English
Leaving Person: Goodbye!
Staying Person: Goodbye!

English informal variants may substitute "Goodbye" with: Bye! ; See you later! ; Take care!

When Someone Comes Home:

Japanese
Arriving Person: Tadaima (I'm home)
At Home Person: Okaerinasai (Welcome home)

English
Arriving Person: Hello!
At Home Person: Welcome back! (or Hello!)

English informal variants may substitute "Hello" with: Hi!
informal variants may substitute "Welcome back!" with: Welcome! ; Hi! ; Good to see you again!

you can't be confrontational about it, but if you make it a game in which she teaches you how to say "Hello/Goodbye" in Japanese then you can break the ice on how you do it here. don't worry, she'll pick up quickly what is expected of her as soon as she teaches you how to perform this social ritual in Japanese. she probably just forgot or is petrified of making a mistake on how it is done in English.

[Kali]

22. this is one of those great DU threads that I love to see

somebody has a problem, even a bit obscure and several generous DUers jusmp in with good advice and information.

Lurkers can learn all kinds of cool things in threads like this.


thanks for presenting your problem and thanks to everybody who replied!:yourock:

[NewJeffCT]

24. I'm curious to find out what happens next

I hope they can resolve their differences and work things out.

[Brickbat]

25. Do you have kids? It wasn't clear from the OP.

She might be lonely. Are there other Japanese exchange students in the area she could talk to?

I have to say that this

she never even looks up or says hello. His feelings are hurt as he is the head of the house, and she doesn't express any awareness or gratitude that it is thanks to him that she is here. I spoke very plainly to her and told her that this was not acceptable. When he came home she had to say hello. When she left she had to say good bye.

really took me aback and if I were an exchange student in just about any culture this would make me feel even lonelier. If it were delivered the way it's described here, that is. In any case, I agree about the touchiness regarding "plain speaking." Soften it up for the next two weeks, then chalk this one up to a learning experience.