Best joke ever?

[Bossy Monkey]

"WE... are the Judean People's Front... crack suicide squad!" (They commit suicide.)

[Bossy Monkey]

1. What-- nobody knows any jokes?

:P

[Call Me Wesley]

2. Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer? Ja!...

Beiherhund das oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!

[rug]

8. Nothing funny has ever been said in German.

[tango-tee]

23. Wanna bet?

Ich trete dich in den Hintern, wenn du nicht lachst.

Channeling Skittles......

[Turbineguy]

36. In German

the "torments of hell" is one word.

[MrMickeysMom]

10. B'hahahahahhahaa!

MY DOG'S GOT NO NOSE

HOW DOES HE SMELL?

AWFUL!

[darkstar3]

13. Well done. n/t

[tango-tee]

21. Wesley, bitte übersetzen.

Ich kapiere das nicht.

[Call Me Wesley]

24. Da gibt's nichts zu übersetzen:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8gpjk_MaCGM

;)

[tango-tee]

25. Arrgh! Thanks.....

:silly:

[Kali]

42. Ja jaja ja!

:rofl:










I have no idea what you wrote:hide:

[applegrove]

3. What is the difference between Tiger Woods and the Titanic?

Only 750 women went down on the Titanic! LOL!

[gmoney]

4. Difference between a golf ball and an Escalade?

Tiger can drive a golf ball 250 yards without hitting a tree...

[applegrove]

7. LOL!

[cloudbase]

29. One of them was

Linda Lovelace's grandmother.

[Bucky]

32. No, that's a similarity

[Capn Sunshine]

5. Rectum? It Nearly Killed him!

for some reason that punch line always pops into my head when I see the phrase best joke ever.

[Orrex]

46. Bennet? Damn near broke it!

Jacket? Don't mind if I do.



And so on...

[Xipe Totec]

6. I know a great one about a priest, a rabi, and aquaman

They walk into a bar and the bartender asks them how long they can wait for a punch line.

But, sadly, it's a long joke and I don't have time to post the rest.

Ask me again next week and I'll finish the joke.

[TwistedSister]

9. What Lays on The Ground and Goes Mooooooooooooo?

Ground Beef.

[jobycom]

39. That

took me longer than I want to admit. :rofl:

[MrMickeysMom]

11. So the Devil made a deal with a Republican ...

The proposition...

The Devil said to the Republican, "I have a proposition for you. You can win every election, for the rest of your life. Your supporters will adore you, your colleagues on you side of the isle will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all of your friends and I want to have anal sex with your 14 year old daughter."

The Republican thought about this for a moment, then asked, "So, what's the catch?"

[JonLP24]

12. Why did the astronaut leave his wife?

Because he wanted more space.

[bluesbassman]

14. The Difference Between Heaven and Hell is...

Heaven is Where:
The Police are British,
The Chefs are Italian,
The Mechanics are German,
The Lovers are French and It's all organized by the Swiss.

Hell is Where:
The Police are German,
The Chefs are British,
The Mechanics are French,
The Lovers are Swiss and
It's all organized by the Italians.

[pokerfan]

15. What goes 'Pieces of Nine!, Pieces of Nine!'?

A parroty error!

[MiddleFingerMom]

16. St Peter's letting people through the Gates of Heaven.

.
Jesus comes along and says, "Pete, you been workin' too hard. I'll handle this... you take
the day off and go fishin' or somethin'.
.
St Peter likes this idea... the last you see of him, he's walking off in the distance with
a fishing pole over his shoulder.
.
Eventually, this OLD man comes shuffling up, and he's just crying his eyes out.
.
Jesus says, "Old man, why do you weep so. Don't you realize you've reached the gates of Heaven
and eternal happiness?"
.
The old man says {and it's BEST if you can do this voice in an old man vaguely Mediterranean
accent - MFM}, "I know... but I've lost my ONLY son and I don't think I'll ever see him again."
.
Jesus says, "Well, describe him. If he's up here, I've seen him... and I'll take you right to him."
.
The old man says, "Well... he died a young man... a GOOD-looking boy -- dark hair and dark
eyes... OH!!! And he had a hole here {point to your hand}, a hole HERE {point to your
OTHER hand}, a hole here {point to your foot}, and a hole HERE {point to your OTHER foot}."
.
Jesus LOOKS at the old man and says, "F..F..FATHER?!?!?"
.
The old man looks at Jesus and says,
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"PINOCCHIO!?!?!?!?"
.

[underpants]

17. LOL

Love it

[elehhhhna]

26. Wow -- they way I tell it is

the old man says he was a carpenter, and had a son, and the whole world knew his son, and the whole world loved him ...

I like that part about the holes, may have to add it next time!

[underpants]

18. My favorite joke ever- the snail joke

A guy is reading the paper in his living room. Something catches his attention. He puts down the paper and walks over to find a snail crawling across his floor.

He picks up the snail, opens the front door, and tosses it across the street over his neighbor's fence and into the neighbor's yard.

three months pass.

The same guy is sitting in his living room reading the paper when there is a knock on the door.

The guy gets up, opens the door, looks around-no one is there. Then he looks down and sees the snail.

and the snail looks up at him and says
.

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

.
.
.
.
.
.
.

.
.
.
.
.

:wtf: :shrug:

[underpants]

19. Best Virginian joke ever

How many Virginians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?


Three


One to screw it in and two to remembah how good the ooooooold one was

[Bossy Monkey]

34. Also works for Charlestonians (assuming you can find any

who are actually from Charleston). That's the SC variety by the way; I don't know anything about the WV kind.

[Ineeda]

20. Guy walks into a bar...

...with a newt on his shoulder. The bartender says, "That must be a pet. What's it's name?" The guy says, "Tiny." The bartender asks, "Cute name, but why did you name him that?" The guy looks at the bartender as if he's stupid and answers, "Because he's........










minute"

[MiddleFingerMom]

22. You will have been the inspiration...

.
...for the groans of many an acquaintance of mine.
.
:rofl:
.

[Brother Buzz]

41. Two/thirds of a pun

PU

:hide:

[ashling]

27. How many women with PMS ...

Female: How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Male: I don't know, how many?

Female: 3

. . . Silence . . .

Male: WelL, why does it take 3?

Female: BECAUSE IT JUST DOES, OK? NOW LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE !

[elehhhhna]

28. Sister Mary walks intoa bar and asks Tom, the barkeep, for a beer...

he, stunned, says "You drink beer, Sister?"

"No, son, I use beer as a lotion to set my hair -- makes it shiny and beautiful."

So he gives her a beer, no charge, and as she's leaving he calls her name and throws something to her.

He's thrown her a small bag of pretzels.

"Why, Tom, what are these for?" asks Sister Mary.

"Oh, those are just some curlers to go with your hair lotion."

[old mark]

30. I phoned my wife yesterday, and said,"My darling, I love you - I'll never forget

the last time we had sex."

She said,"Who is this?" (Rodney Dangerfield)


mark

[Bucky]

31. How many Luddites does it take to screw in a candle?

A: more-than-two

[Blue-Jay]

33. Two firemen were buttfucking in a smoke-filled room.

The fire chief walks in and screams "What the hell is going on in here?!?"

"You see, sir" stuttered one of the firemen, "He was suffering from smoke inhalation..."

"SMOKE INHALATION?! Didn't you try mouth-to-mouth?"

"Well sure I did. How do you think THIS got started?"

[Biker13]

35. Why Men Pee Standing Up

Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two extra things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating. "It's a very handy thing", God told the couple, "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that very ability."

Adam jumped up and blurted, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems a sort of thing a man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability, It'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let it fly. It'd be so cool, I could write my name in the sand. Oh please God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please..." On and on he went like an excited little boy who had to pee.

Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted that so badly, that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy and she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given this ability. And so Adam was given the ability to urinate while in a vertical position. He was happy and did celebrate by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him, laughing with delight all the while.

"Fine," God said looking back into his bag of leftovers. "What's left here? Oh yes.....











multiple orgasms..."

Biker's Old Lady

[MiddleFingerMom]

37. You just made me and Baby Jesus cry. n/t

[annabanana]

38. "The Aristocrats"

AS told by Gilbert Gottfried at the Friars Club roast of Hugh Hefner, 2001.

[jobycom]

40. So Peyton Manning dies and goes to Heaven

God himself meets him and brings him to his eternal abode. "You see, Peyton," he says to Peyton, "You were a really good guy, so you get to live in a house. That's very rare up here." They stop in front of a little bungalow. It's painted blue, and there's a tasteful little Colts flag painted on the door.

Peyton is pleased and proud, until he notices a house just a few down from them. It's a five story mansion, the biggest house Peyton has ever seen. It's painted blue and silver, with a huge star on a flag flying from the rooftop. Each window has a number on it, and Peyton realizes that each number is a player from the Cowboys' Ring of Honor.

"Wait a minute, God," Peyton says. "I don't get it. I was a good guy, and I won a Super Bowl. How come I get this little house and Tony Romo gets a mansion like that?"

"Oh, that's not Tony Romo's house," God answers. "That's my house."

[many a good man]

43. IMO this cartoon is stiff competition for the JPF joke

[shugah]

44. scientifically proven: funniest joke ever

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

http://www.laughlab.co.uk/

[Odin2005]

45. OMG, I NEVER cease to laugh my ass off at that joke!

It's just so morbid it's hilarious!

[JonLP24]

47. I actually laughed out loud

Sometimes I find stuff funny but I don't laugh. Just because I didn't laugh doesn't mean I didn't think it was funny but I actually LOL.

[av8rdave]

48. What's the difference between a hormone and an enzyme?

You can't hear an enzyme.

[Ikonoklast]

49. An old man walks into the confessional in a Catholic Church,

kneels down and says in a thin, wavering voice, "Bless me Father, for I have sinned."

The priest asks, "Tell me, what is troubling you?"

The old man answers, "Father, I am eighty-three years old, and have been a widower now these last twenty-two years since my Sophie passed. I had been lonely for female companionship for some time, until I recently met this attractive twenty-seven year old woman. She is everything I could want in a companion; smart, funny, attractive. She is very forward sexually, and I must admit I wasn't sure at first, but since I met her a month ago we have been having sexual relations two and three times a day."

The priest says. " My son, you know it's a sin to have sexual relations outside of marriage, and the Church frowns upon it, but, at your age, I think that we might just bend the rules a little bit."

The old man says, "Father, I'm not too concerned about what the Catholic Church has to say about extra-marital sex, as I'm not a Catholic. I'm actually Jewish, and go to temple every week."

"Then what the devil are you doing here in a confessional in a Catholic Church, telling a priest about all this if you are Jewish??"

"Father, at my age, if you can have sex two or three times a day with a beautiful young woman, you make sure you tell everybody about it!".

[carlyhippy]

50. The best joke and the oldest joke.....12-21-12

Our ancestors will be rolling in the clouds, a huge roar of laughter across the universes

[RushIsRot]

51. Good Goat

A guy from Appalachia is arrested for bestiality. He goes to his friend to ask for help in getting a lawyer. The friend says, "Well, I know two lawyers -- the first one is slick as hell, and the second one knows how to pick a jury." The guy decides to hire the attorney who can pick a jury.

The defendant is up on the witness stand being questioned by the prosecutor. "So, Clem, isn't it a fact that on the day in question, you had sexual intercourse with a goat, and when the officers arrived on the scene, the goat was licking off your genitals?"

One juror was overheard whispering to another, "A good goat'll do that."

[TransitJohn]

52. Why is Wyoming so windy?

Because Utah blows and Nebraska sucks.

[Zavulon]

53. Why do bagpipe players only play when they're marching?

So they can walk away from the sound.