Questions about bar mitzvahs from a shiksa

[Arugula Latte]

So my son has been invited to two bar mitzvahs coming up in a couple months. So -- very cool; he's excited to go. Both invitations are soliciting donations for good causes (one is collecting books for under privileged kids and one is collecting clothes for foster kids). I assumed that the donations would be in addition to the $$ given to the bar mitzvah boy; my husband assumed they would be in place of a gift. Does anyone have any insights? Is soliciting donations to causes a common/de rigueur thing for bar mitzvahs these days, or is happening because we live in a groovy town (Portland, Ore.)? If we do give $$ to the bar mitzvah boys, is $30 each okay or is it embarrassingly paltry? (They're friends from sports; not "grown-up-with-since-babies" types of friends).

Thanks for any advice ... :hi:

[Happyhippychick]

1. I would assume it is "in place of" a gift but I would advise you to ask since this is a very new

practice and the rules may differ in different regions of the country.

If you felt that it was important to give a gift, Itunes cards are always received enthusiastically!

[Arugula Latte]

3. That's a good idea.

Thanks.

[TheOther95Percent]

4. I agree. When in doubt, ask.

The Bar Mitzvah invites I've seen say "In lieu of a gift, a donation to X..." To be on the safe side, I would ask the hosts if the donation is in lieu of a gift. I usually give money. $30 dollars is fine considering the relationship. You might also want to consider giving $30.18 or even $36. The word for "life" in Hebrew is "chai." The numerical value for the letters making up the word life is 18. Giving money in multiples of $18 is symbolic of giving "chai" or life. Many people give money in mulitiples of $18 as presents to someone celebrating a birth, a bar or bat mitzvah or a wedding.

[Arugula Latte]

6. Oh, that's so cool; I didn't know that about 18.

The DU always comes through with great information. Thanks. :hi:

[msanthrope]

2. It's in place of. Parents in my kid's school started doing

this for birthday parties and the like. My daughter collected cans for the local foodbank. Now, a bit of advice....don't be like the jerk parents who brought their kid to my daughter's birthday party with a single can of generic tomato soup....

[Arugula Latte]

5. We've done this for birthday parties for awhile, too, but I wasn't sure about bar mitzvahs.

It's such a great idea; a lot of kids these days have piles of toys and surely don't need more. It's a great way to help them think about other people/animals. My kids tend to ask for donations for the Humane Society.

[elleng]

7. I'd say in place of a gift to the kid directly.

and not $ given to barmitzvah boy, I think, but my experience is OLD!

Personally I find $ as gift from anyone other than close family to be off-putting (puts ME off, any way.) Even so, $30 sounds fine.