Dealing with sexism at work

[complain jane]

I have a situation at work where basically this guy I've worked with for 10+ years is becoming my boss. Sort of. He's trying to.

He's a sexist, smarmy narcissist who likes to talk about his Christian values and is cheating on his wife with a woman at work.

Every comment to the other women there is flirtatious and always has been. Every conversation with other women has to contain some smarmy remark about looking pretty today, or someone being hot, or him "jokingly" asking females if they could just call him "handsome" all the time. If you don't fit into this equation, where he feels he can manipulate you with flirty compliments, then he alternates between ignoring you and undermining you. In the 10 years we've worked together he's never taken an interest in anyone else's career before - except for now, because he's basically screwed around with a new girl, and feels he should be able to be "hands on" her career without anyone questioning it... and if anyone's offended by that, then, according to him, they must be harboring some secret feelings for him and just be jealous.

Yeah, I'm serious.

The guy grosses me out- like he does to many others there. Besides, I'm a lesbian.

I don't want to turn this into an HR issue, for me it's just not at that level. It's obnoxious and insulting and skeeves me, yes. But I ignore him.

However, he may now be about to become my boss.

Does anyone have any good books on how to deal with somebody like this? I'm trying to figure out how to learn to deal with this idiot without harboring anger- just being able to assert myself with him calmly without getting pissed at him because I'm often pissed at him. He's just a narcissistic, undermining, insecure, demeaning asshole and I have to learn to put up with him without hating coming to work every day.

So, anybody got any good books they could point me to?

[quakerboy]

1. is there any way to just

Anonymously let the wife know he is cheating, and then let his life resolve itself, with him potentially too busy to worry about trying to be a boss?

[complain jane]

2. She already knows.

Didn't work out the way I had hoped. Although I had nothing to do with her finding out- she found some correspondence between them or something that he left lying around his house. Dumbass.

[hfojvt]

3. maybe this one

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zen_and_the_Art_of_Motorcycle_Maintenance

or, more seriesly, this one

http://www.amazon.com/Dinosaur-Brains-Dealing-Impossible-People/dp/0345410211

although I have not read either of them.

[Dogtown]

4. The Bible

upside his head.

[Dr Morbius]

5. You could report him anonymously to the Dept of Labor.

You don't have to put up with sexual harassment. There are laws protecting you. I submit, not with any judgment attached, that just because you're willing to put up with it is no reason to allow other women to be subjected to it.

Your company has a human resources department because the government - God bless our government! - has passed laws insisting you have recourse in situations just like the one you're in. You can and I think should take advantage of it.

Burn this guy's ass. You're not worth any less than he is. Don't take harassment.

[MajorChode]

7. It won't do any good

You are correct in that there are laws against this sort of thing, but in the vast majority of these cases the law is enforced through the EEO complaint process. In other words, if the employer is breaking the law an affected person has the right to file a complaint with the EEOC and seek compensatory damages. Even if the affected person receives compensation, the federal government almost never issues sanctions against the employer. Often you have employers that will pay damages and never even discipline those who are involved even as they continue to break the law. Naturally a smart employer will take action because these types of complaints can be very costly in compensatory damages and legal bills.

[supernova]

6. How's your relationship w/ bosses further up the line?

The only way to "checkmate" him when necessary is to have a great rapport with bosses with bigger titles and offices than he is trying for.

[Captain Hilts]

9. That's probably the best strategy. nt

[complain jane]

10. Heh.

The boss that we both currently answer to is a gay man who is openly partial to this guy.

[MajorChode]

8. I have a lot of experience dealing with these situations

I am a manager and I have been a volunteer for my company's civil rights office in various positions for almost 10 years.

The first thing you can and should do is to start keeping a log of the sexually harassing behavior. Make sure what you log is behavior that is sexual in nature. Each log entry should answer the questions, who, what, when, where, and how. Just because someone is an asshole, doesn't mean he's breaking the law. Remember also that flirtatious activity is not illegal if it is well received by its target. So if you have a coworker that likes to be flirted with, this is not illegal harassment. Most of what you log should be your own personal experiences with harassment, but the same person sexually harassing other employees can be used as evidence of a hostile work environment. If you ever do have to file a complaint, your log will be invaluable.

The sexual harassment you describe sounds like a form of bullying. Bullies do not harass people that won't put up with it. If you put yourself into that category, you probably won't have any more problems. You don't necessarily have to file a complaint to do this. Go to the EEOC's website, print out some of their pamphlets and leave them laying around your workplace where the offender can find them.

If you do have to file some sort of complaint, you have at least a couple of options available to you. You can file your complaint directly with your HR office. Some companies are very aggressive in investigating these types of complaints and take prompt and meaningful action (which is the smart thing to do). Some companies may not be so good in this regard. If you have suffered damages, you can file a complaint with the EEOC. Damages can be things like staying at home because you can't deal with the situation, professional counseling you have paid for out of pocket, missed promotion opportunities, and so forth. Just remember that an EEOC complaint doesn't necessarily require the employer to take any action against the offender. It's just a means of redress for you to collect on damages you have suffered.

[complain jane]

11. Thank you

I think this situation is more about him being a sexist rather than actual sexual harrassment. The women complain behind closed doors but give the guy a smile or ignore him to his face. No one seems offended enough to get HR involved that I know of... except for very blatant favoritism towards the girl he's been screwing around with. She gets the best projects, and was even snuck into a work-related event that many staff employees wanted to go to, went through the proper channels to request to go to, and were denied. She is a freelancer who went, with this guy I'm complaining about.

To explain further- myself and 2 other guys are supervisors in my department. This clown is one of those two, and the other guy is a very good friend of his. So those two arranged for this girl to quietly go to this event while the people who should have been there were told they could not go. I think that's because this guy wanted the opportunity to spend the day with this girl openly without prying eyes.

The thing is, I do not put up with his crap. Early on he learned that. Early on I learned that this means I'm someone he does not know how to deal with- and that if I am not going to be subjected to this flirty form of demeaning treatment, he will express his point of view that women are beneath him in other ways- like undermining my authority (what little I do have there) in front of other employees.

Hence my concern at this douche becoming my boss.

And my boss that we answer to is a gay man who shows clear favoritism to this guy. In conference calls I've had to listen to THAT guy complain about the women in our organization. If something goes wrong with a guy, it's a serious matter to be taken care of. If there is a problem involving a woman, he sits on the conference call complaining about "women". Which is a whole separate level of disappointment I have, being a lesbian I was happy to have a gay boss at first. But this guy is so bad with it that the company is already facing a lawsuit and his future is uncertain.

It's a whole sexist culture there and growing worse by the day.

And seriously- I really am looking for some resources to help me deal with this daily on a personal level- books, whatever.

[MajorChode]

12. Disparate treatment can still be illegal

If this person is granting favors to someone and denies those favors to others, purely out of sexual reasons, then you can have a situation that can rise to the level of illegal activity. Also recent court rulings do not require those who are on the receiving end of prying eyes to explicitly tell the person those actions are unwelcome. If a person reacts negatively to any of this type of behavior, that makes the activity unwelcome and possibly illegal.

The thing about it is, some of what you describe may be illegal and some of it may not. Favoritism is not always illegal. Also thanks to the GOP, discrimination based on sexual preference is not illegal, although many large companies have internal policies that forbid such behavior because it is counterproductive to the workplace.

[complain jane]

13. Well

I kind of figured this didn't really enter the realm of illegal activity- I'm sure he's probably done some things that could be considered illegal but on the whole, it's not really the direction I wanted to go in at all, at least not now.

Regardless, it's a very unpleasant environment. And legal or illegal, I still need some help and advice on dealing with this asshole on a daily basis. I find I'm more focused lately on his behavior and watching my own back than I am on my job, and I just can't have that.

I don't know what to do. Seriously- meditate? Drink? Take long walks? I've tried those, they don't help for more than a half an hour or so if I'm lucky. Okay maybe ten minutes.

[Brickbat]

14. If it's obnoxious and insulting and skeevy,

it's an HR issue. It's disruptive to your work and others, it sounds like.

Does your office have an employee handbook? Find it and see what it says about sexual harassment. If you don't have an employee handbook, ask HR why. Document every stupid thing he says, and encourage others to do so. You can't "deal with" or "assert yourself with" someone like this. It's inappropriate, and it has to stop.

Don't put up with this; it'll just rot away at you.

[complain jane]

15. Yeah it has been. Thanks.

What's brought this up now is that the guy is away on a business trip for 2 weeks. I had no idea how much stress and hostility he maintained in this environment until his absence. It's so calm, so efficient, so stress-free. People are nice to each other, there is no undermining, backstabbing, egotistical, malicious presence. I dread the day he returns.

[elleng]

16. Enjoy it!

and somehow let 'management' know how much better things are w/o him???

[Elmo39]

27. Sooner or later

You will probably have to file a complaint. Be Strong...and do follow the journal advice. I lost my job and helped my now wife (then fiance) through a very ugly sex harassment workplace complaint. It took 5 years and her having a nervous breakdown but all of upper management along with the guy who caused the complaint are gone.
Got settled out of court with the lawyers making the money and her getting a 10k structured settlement.
IF you do file a complaint with the EEOC your company WILL sit up and take notice!!

Good Luck

[complain jane]

34. Thanks.

Congratulations on your situation, on winning. I'm sorry to hear what your wife went through.

[mzteris]

17. HR. Make it an issue.

If he's making YOU feel uncomfortable, think what he's doing to everyone else... and once he get's MORE "power" he'll be even more insufferable.


That, or next time you hear where the "next tryst" is, drop a dime on him...

[unpossibles]

18. I say file a complaint with HR

seriously. That stuff is uncalled for, and I bet there are others who feel the same way who are also afraid to speak up. Be professional and polite, but specific enough to let them know he makes you uncomfortable.

FWIW, I had a guy kind of like that across the aisle from me a couple of years back - constantly making sexist, homophobic, and racist jokes to me, assuming that I would think they were funny. I was not sure how to handle it and was about to report it when someone else reported him. HR asked me as they figured I could hear it too, and I told them about it, and even said I did not want anyone to lose their job, just to be more professional. It worked. He is still working there but stopped with the remarks.

[NNadir]

19. Document, document, document!!!! Talk to a lawyer.

[complain jane]

20. Thanks, there's already one floating around because of

my current boss.

He's actually come to me to ask me why I don't bring in baked treats for him and everyone else there, baked myself of course (that's my job in his eyes). He seriously asked as if something were wrong with me.

And said that if anyone is made uncomfortable by his remarks and his affair, they must harbor secret feelings for him and be jealous.

NOT to MENTION the fact that the bimbo he is carrying on with disappears with him from time to time- they just both vanish at the same time. And she has work that is very time sensitive- leaving your desk for half an hour at whim is a catastrophe, sometimes, in our field. But they take off, and he's leaving the rest of the employees he oversees hanging in the breeze scrambling to get their own work done plus hers, when they take off.

And then to have snuck her into this event this one day was completely inexcusable. He lied about it and said she wasn't going, and the third supervisor, his best friend, covered his ass and lied for his lies. Others went through the proper channels to request the day off to go far in advance and were told no, no one could be backfilled so no one could go. When the day came, she wasn't at work- and wasn't backfilled, but these two idiots not only knew she was going but WENT WITH HER.

They all looked ridiculous in the end. And these two are fighting to get this girl a permanent staff job even though other people have been there longer. AND she's a moron and makes mistakes constantly.

To top it all off- my girlfriend works with us too. She is this asshole's wife's best friend. She was working there long before this new girl. This asshole has gone out of his way to prevent my girlfriend from getting any opportunities that would allow her to exceed, and instead trashes her and is very rude to her- all because he knows that she knows he's a miserable slimy bastard who cheats on his wife.

[NNadir]

22. May I enquire what sort of business you're in?

[Blue-Jay]

21. Here's what you do. (seriously)

Get all the women together (minus the one he's banging I suppose) who have witnessed or been subjected to his inappropriate behavior. If they'll all agree to do it, confront him as a group and threaten to go to his wife as a group. Document your conversation with him with all signatures. Show him the document, and let him know that if going to his wife doesn't work, you'll be forwarding all information to HR.

You'll have the nicest boss in the world if he gets the promotion. See how he enjoys the Sword of Damocles.

[BlueIris]

23. HR. Because it's unacceptable.

Which is all the reason anyone should need to report him to HR, not whether it makes her or him personally uncomfortable. His behavior is sexist and therefore unprofessional and so should stop ASAP.

After that, I'd start looking for a new job.

[baldguy]

24. It is an HR issue already.

You just have to inform them of it.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

25. It is an HR issue and all of those who have been humiliated by this

character should report it.

http://www.healthyplace.com/personality-disorders/transcripts/narcissism-in-the-workplace/menu-id-62/

http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&source=hp&q=narcissism+in+the+workplace&aq=0&aqi=g10&aql=&oq=narcissism+in+the&gs_rfai=

[complain jane]

26. The problem is also HR.

I've been at my job over 10 years and in that time have only gone to HR once. We had just gotten a new boss at that time (we've had so many) and this guy was also supposed to be teaching everyone a new program for our jobs. He was the only resource we had to learn it. So when we would ask him to sit with us and help us from time to time with it, he seemed furious. Like we were asking something of him that was not his job and he would be very impatient. He seemed like he didn't get the memo that we were told to rely on him for instruction with this new program so I went to HR to ask what his role actually was. I told them how unpleasant it was working with the guy and others felt the same way. But he was new there at the time. Anyway, HR went back that guy and repeated everything I said and told them it was me. And, for the record, that female HR rep was in this current problematic sexist guy's office at least twice a week just to "say hi" and drop off cute little presents to him. They spent lunch hours together outside (this was before this current bimbo showed up for him to cheat with) and she invited him to tennis matches and such. The first time he thought it was something that she had invited people in our office to and started talking about it. When Female HR Rep found out she was furious because this was supposed to be just a night out for Sexist Asshole and her. She knew full well he was married with children.

Now this current lousy boss-to-be I have, is someone I've worked with for more than 10 years. And HR will not get rid of him, no one will fire him. I will have to work with him from here on out.

I've worked way too hard in my job to give up to this guy. Leaving, at least for now, is not an option. He would like nothing more- I am not some dingbat he can control with a few "you look pretty today"s and while my boss above us (the gay guy who openly favors this guy- everyone has noticed it) shows preference to Sexist Asshole, he still does like me somewhat and tells me my value at this place from time to time.

SO whatever I do a about this I have to live with- with an HR who will run back and tell him, with the Sexist Asshole still in his job and now even more determined to undermine me, and with our boss knowing I went to HR instead of him. But how can I go to him when he is part of the problem as well.

If i didn't love this job I would leave and report everything to everyone.

[Elmo39]

28. Jane See my

post above labeled sooner or later...also if you keep a journal Label it Notes for my attorney. also if you could get some others to join your complaint to HR it would help.
Again Good luck

[JanMichael]

33. Hostile Work Environment.

Hammer them with a state agency and a good lawyer.

[complain jane]

35. Thanks.

All these replies are food for thought. It's a tough situation- I am friends with this guy's wife, it's a far-reaching situation. Not just some jerk at work. It's a jerk at work but after 10 years we all have personal ties. It's just gotten so out of control. When I heard things about Enron where workers talked about the place being sexist and everyone sleeping with people my skin crawled, my place is not quite that bad but the principle is the same and it's terrible.

I might go to my boss above my current boss and start with him. I think I have a finger on the pulse of the politics with him- not sure, but I think so. He wants to look good. He wants to look like he's done a good job putting certain people in the positions they are in. So he will squash any problems.... I THINK. He seems so far removed from any situation like this. Very clean cut, professional, just a nice guy to everyone.

Thanks again for all of this help. Plenty to think about. Makes me feel much less frustrated.

[gardenista]

41. All I can say...

is that I lived with a hostile work environment due to crap like this, and it was not worth it.

Having grown older and maybe a bit wiser, I wish I'd pushed that to the wall with HR, and if they didn't do their jobs, taken it further.

Ended up leaving a perfectly perfect job for me, caving to the fear of losing the job I left anyway.

If you can try to detach enough to know that it was worth the fight

[struggle4progress]

29. If I were you, here's what I'd want to do if he made a public remark at me:

Eye him up and down critically, then announce, "Well, I'm a lesbian! If you're interested, go get the surgery and hormone treatment, and then I'll decide whether or not I think you'd be worth a fling!"

Um ... but, don't do that ...

I think what you ought to do, given your desire to avoid HR issues, is to cultivate the coolest professional manner possible in his presence. If he makes a sexist comment, immediately ask him a work-related question or make a work-related statement to a coworker, just loudly enough for people nearby to hear. There might be variations of this tactic: if, for example, you do any phone work, you can conspicuously begin some phone call as soon as the sexist jabber begins. The bottom line is: don't get sucked into his crap; just stay professional

I do, however, think it might be a good idea to keep a careful detailed journal of the sexist comments

[complain jane]

36. Thank you

I agree. I will start keeping a journal as many here have suggested.

He doesn't make the remarks to me because he already knows he's barking up the wrong tree.

But what does happen, is that if I am discussing a project with another coworker, he will occasionally cause a problem just to shift the attention away from me and onto himself.

For example, if I'm discussing a project with a female employee, he'll make a point of coming over to flirt with her, to take the attention off me. To sort of undermine me, to demean me, since I'm supposed to be in a supervisory role.

If I'm discussing a project with a male employee, he instantly inserts himself into the conversation by interrupting it with "so are you two an item now?" or "Oh I think ______ has a crush on you" or "why don't you guys get a room". Meanwhile we're standing there talking about nothing other than work.

We have a female that we report to somewhat- she is not our boss, not in our hierarchy, but we still to have to answer to her. She's an unorganized mess- but very talented at her job. Anyway we've all gone to big meetings with her higher-ups, and he will do things like once we walk in the room and important people are there, he'll blurt out, "hey so did you finally get your license renewed? are you finally legal now or what?" as once she accidentally let her license lapse. That was information she shared with him and I personally- not for public consumption and certainly not for boardroom consumption. He will openly insult her in front of her own boss and pass it off as a joke. It's clear it's to try to make himself look good but he looks like an idiot. What doesn't help is that she giggles. That's her response. And people now take her less and less seriously. But that's not his fault, it's hers for allowing it.

[TK421]

30. No books, but I would document everything...every word he says

any inappropriate comment, just document everything AND date it. Take it to HR

Eventually, there's a pattern and I'm sure others can/should try this; if they do, then he is fucked

good luck

[complain jane]

37. Thanks-

I will document.

But in the meantime, I'd be interested in hearing about any books that can help me deal with people who are hard to deal with, WHILE I take care of this in whichever way I end up going (my boss's boss, or HR)

Just need a little help with the face-to face day to day. Even meditations. Anything to help me remain positive and professional and calm and not reactive.

[Odin2005]

31. I have a friend who is a teacher and used to have a principle just like this asshole.

The principal was a Latino guy with a big Machismo complex and would harass my friend because she refused his sexual advances. My friend quit after 3 years and came back hear (she was in Ocala, Florida) because she couldn't stand this jerk and the meek teachers that sucked up to him.

[JanMichael]

32. It is an HR issue whether you want to admit it or not.

Fry him.

EDIT: Or a state labor board if that exists.

[chrisa]

38. Sounds like a 'family values Christian' repuke

:puke:

I bet if you went to HR, the repuke would also accuse you of being "no fun." Double :puke:.

I bet he secretly hates women because they all think he's a creep, so he has to go around and make every woman he sees' lives a living hell.

[Old Troop]

39. I think you should hammer him now, before he becomes your boss

[Gormy Cuss]

40. It IS an HR issue. If you choose to handle it yourself and this idiot is your boss, you'll pay.

Frankly, if the others who are grossed out by his sexist talk aren't willing to stand up to him you're going to be hanging out there by yourself and that's usually not a good place to be. Confronting him alone when you know that he undermines women who don't react positively to his antics is not wise.

I'm sorry to be this blunt about it, but trying to be nice about it sends the wrong message. Your choices are to put up with it, document the incidents and report them to HR, or find another job.

Here's a snippet from the EEOC page on sexual harassment:

Although the law doesn’t prohibit simple teasing, offhand comments, or isolated incidents that are not very serious, harassment is illegal when it is so frequent or severe that it creates a hostile or offensive work environment or when it results in an adverse employment decision (such as the victim being fired or demoted).

The harasser can be the victim's supervisor, a supervisor in another area, a co-worker, or someone who is not an employee of the employer, such as a client or customer.

What you described sounds like an offensive work environment to me.

[complain jane]

42. Update.... AAAGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!

Last week I was told out of the blue that my current boss wants me to start reporting to this jackass now. This was supposed to be up in the air and not happening for a while if at all. Well I was just told that I am being "promoted", and this jackass is also being promoted, and we both are now going to have the same title.

Except that I am supposedly going to report to him. Even though we are supposedly equals.

Friday when I found this out I did nothing because I was just dumbfounded. Tomorrow I'm supposed to talk to my current boss more about this. There's already an investigation going on into HIS behavior and is being accused of being inappropriate and sexist so I'm going to ask him if there is any other reason I am being told to report to this other sexist asshole than simply because I'm a woman he should explain it now because I'm on my way to HR and then a lawyer's office.