I am NOT going to commit suicide.

[Redstone]

The pain was so bad last night that it kept Mrs R from sleeping well, because I was moaning in my own abbreviated version of sleep.

But I remember waking up twice and finding the damn cat (and I don’t even LIKE cats!) asleep in my armpit, and I rolled over and hugged her, furry and warm and purring to beat the band, and Mrs R snugged up on my back as she always does, conforming perfectly to my aching spine and giving it the warmth as only she can.

And then, this morning, we stood on the front steps together and watched the Little Guy ride off to school, on his ridiculous little bicycle that he customnized to the point where his knees hit his ears when he pedals, wearing the absurd hat he bought on his field trip to Boston yesterday - complete with a "Fro" pouch and fake dreads...and we laughed to see him being, well, being a kid. As I remember being so myself, at that age.

My God, we laughed so hard that we had to sit down on the steps to recover.

And then later when Mrs R had finished getting ready to go to work and I looked at her and even after twenty years together I was overcome by a desire that I won’t elucidate here, in order to not run afoul of the DU Rules; except to say that she is the single most desirable woman I have ever known, and will ever live to know.

So, to sum up, I’m sitting here in the screen porch, listening to the neighbor’s son running around chasing his noisy dog around their yard. And I’m enjoying that, neighborly thing that it is.

And I won't let the pain overcome the pleasure.

Because life is too good to end it.

It is.

There is WAY too much to live for. So I will.

Redstone

[graywarrior]

1. Been there, myself, Redstone

Keep reaching out. You're doing fine as long as you keep the lifeline out there.

XXXOOO

[Redstone]

3. Grey, thank you.

Redstone

[CaliforniaPeggy]

2. My dear Redstone...

I hear you, sweetie...

You. Will. Not. Quit.

Not while there's breath in your body, and lust someplace else, lol!

You write so very well...

How about doing it now and then for publication? A local paper for instance, might find your musings worthy of publishing...

C'mon.

Life IS good.

:hug:

[Redstone]

4. Jeez, Peg, do you read my mind or what?

I have indeed been thinking about writing for the local newsrags (as I did long ago and enjoyably so).

Maybe it's time to do that again.

If I can find sometyhing to kill the pain.

Redstone

[graywarrior]

6. You are a good writer and have a lot to share in a unique way

I say go for it.

[nolabear]

18. I say go for it too. I am a writer, and it's saved my ass a time or two.

Besides, if you can write honestly and let others feel your connection to the world (and you clearly can) then we'll all be better for seeing through your eyes now and again.

[WCGreen]

5. Peace to you my friend...

[Redstone]

8. I've seen your blog. You know, mon frere, that

my thoughts are always with you.

Redstone

[kayakjohnny]

7. What a well done piece. And heartwarming as can be.

Hang tough, and thanks for saying this.

I will think of you when a certain terrible pain of my own rears it's ugly head.

As, by chance, it has done twice today.

And once only an hour ago.

Cheers and all the best to you.

:hi:

[Redstone]

11. You live with the spectre of The Pain? Talk to me, would you?

We Pain People need to converse; doing so may not diminish the pain, but it can't hurt (sorry for the pun).

Redstone

[kayakjohnny]

15. Mine doesn't sound as chronic or as intense as yours may be.

But for me, it's among the worst I've ever had. It's up to me to get some attention, but I haven't done so yet. Another day or so like this and I'm very likely to.

I love your post though.

[hippywife]

9. Glad you're hanging in there, Redstone.

I'm sorry you are dealing with so much pain, but glad you aren't letting it conquer you.

I'm sure you've already consulted pain specialists?

:hug:

[Redstone]

10. I have consulted such, thank you.

There's no relief.

But so it goes; hey, it's not cancer or heart disase. It hurts, but it won't kill me.

Redstone

[GreenPartyVoter]

12. *hugs*

[MadMaddie]

13. Redstone you are right "There is way too much too live for".

Best Wishes

MadMaddie

[EFerrari]

14. Wishing you snuggles and the sound of the neighbor's kids

and all kind of relief, my friend.

:hug:

[abq e streeter]

16. Thank you for your generosity in sharing your life and your wisdom

and to bring it down to a level even I can understand: you're one badass mofo....and to get back to them fancy words; you're an inspiration too, and it's an honor just to be replying to you.

[nolabear]

17. Redstone, you touch my heart.

Hold on. Things change, and your ability to love the world does the world good. And me. And your wife and Little Guy. And heck, even the cat. I hope, and have feith, that the pain will get better, and we'll all be damned glad you decided to stay.

[struggle4progress]

19. Glad to hear it! Enjoy whatever you can!

[dana_b]

20. ah, Redstone, keep up that attitude

Your boy and the Mrs. sound wonderful. Thank God (or whatever you believe in) for them and their love.

I too struggle with chronic pain (back, disc herniations) that can incapacitate me, depress me and even drive me to the point of wanting to die. I won't do it though. My daughter is the greatest part of my life. She is a joy and gives me hope. I have good friends and a wonderful, caring family too.

Life can be good. ;)

[one_voice]

21. Sounds like you're having a pretty rough day..

I'm sorry to hear that. I know living with chronic pain is a terrible thing. Some days it takes every bit of will power just to get out of bed, other days you're praying to God just to get an hour of sleep. It's an on going struggle, and some days it seems as if you're going to lose that battle. When you feel that way, just look around at how lucky you are, the beauty of life itself. You'll be ok.

It sounds like you have a wonderfully beautiful wife, both inside and out. And a sweet boy to be cherished. When the pain gets too bad, all you need to do is look at them. The love you feel for them will help "dull" the pain.

I learned the hard way, just how much my husband and children mean to me, and me to them. They never gave up on me, even when I gave up on myself. It's what gets me through the really bad times.

Stay strong, and live everyday thinking of the good things.

:hug:

[RandomThoughts]

22. Good decision, don't let despair change the good things in your life.

And with hope that things get even better for you, and you continue to find delightful things, stay in the better things. :hug:

[Gormy Cuss]

23. Damn right you're not.

I hope there's some better pain management in your future.

[TK421]

24. You have something I can never have..a family, but only because I know it

I know it isn't meant for me....don't ask me how I know, I just do, but I have no regrets there

And you seem to have quite a bit to live for, so for whatever is going on in your life that is aggravation, you have a cushion to fall back on and that is your family-now that is the reason you need to live.

I don't think I've ever asked you how old you were, Redstone..but only out of curiosity how old are you?

[Redstone]

32. I just turned fifty-six years old. I don't know how that happened,

but it did.

Having a birthday that's closer to sixty than to any other round number does serve as a wakeup call of some kind, no matter that I do not look the part...

Redstone

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

25. All the best to you -- damn right, you have a lot to live for.

By the way, did you know that a cat's purr has healing qualities? I think your cat was trying to help you feel better.

http://cats.suite101.com/article.cfm/purring_helps_with_healing
http://www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=why-do-cats-purr

[Roon]

26. My buddy had his jaw reconstructed a couple of months ago

and he is in a lot of pain as well. He takes a lot of oxycodone and heating pads for relief. Pain sucks.

[BlueIris]

27. ((((( Redstone )))))

I really, really hope you can find some more effective pain management strategies. I know the world offers chronic pain sufferers basically shit in that department, but I'm still hoping something materializes for you.

[Redstone]

33. BI, you are a treasure.

Redstone

[RainDog]

28. hugs to you

I am no doc, obviously, but have you ever tried medical mj for the pain? I have really bad migraines and if it were legal... even if not, except for the way someone could use it against me...

anyway, I don't know the sort of pain you're going through. but I do know that mj provided the best, least side-effect causing pain relief for migraines and the vomiting and all the rest.

I'm glad you have people you love who also love you.

that's what it all comes down to.

[Redstone]

37. Yes, I could move one state east and have legal mj...

but, unfortunately, it does not work for me. It's said to be especially effective for the MS, but it only does the same as all the narcotics and others, which is to dull the edges of the pain.

So thank you for the suggestion, and I'll continue to rely on the love that I've fortunately been provided, as you said, to sustain me.

It will do well enough.

Redstone

[seabeyond]

29. i dont know your story redstone. i am sorry about your pain.

i have never experienced pain in that manner. it really is beyond my comprehension. i think there must be something that can be done, surely. i assume not.

your post is so good. so very good. thank you for sharing. for enriching my life with your words.

peace

[snailly]

30. That was beautiful

I can see that in my mind. You've got too much that others will never get. Just keep loving your family and your animals.

[Angel]

31. The smallest things in life make it worth living .

Keep looking for the smallest things.

[Bertha Venation]

34. Redstone

Words can't express what I wish I could say to you. A hug smiley won't do it either. I can only offer my best wishes, and that is so inadequate.

[Redstone]

35. I'm so happy you took your original screen name back.

I always enjoy seeing it. And thank you for the good wishes.

Redstone

[Akoto]

36. I can sympathize with you, to some extent.

I have chronic pelvic pain syndrome. The pain is constant and, to be as delicate as possible, everything in the pelvic region is involved. I had to stop working after I lost my ability to sit, and I eventually developed skin allodynia. Takes three baths a day to control the pelvic floor muscle spasms, and I'm on a pain management cocktail. Trying to get SSI. I am only 25, and this has been going on for years.

That said, I went through a very deep, dark period. I was embittered by the fact that the best years of my life had been lost, and that I'd wasted so much of the ones from before I was ill. It was difficult to see the purpose of going on when I'm always going to suffer. Some great medical minds have told me that the cure is as unknown as the cause.

Eventually, with the help of family, as well as a great doctor and PT ... I have come to acceptance. There are still things I can do, still stuff to enjoy in my daily life. Every day is hard, but I try to have a schedule and something to do. Accomplishing something every day has been important to my well-being, as has a bit of laughter. Paradoxical relaxation, too. In other words, accepting the pain instead of bracing against it, thereby reducing tension.

So, suicide? Out of the picture. Life is very hard, and it's not what I had hoped it would be, but I will try to make the best of a new version.

[Redstone]

38. Thank you, thank you, THANK you!

Redstone

[tigereye]

39. I am very glad to hear it- there is always so much to live for...

[Redstone]

40. Yes. Living, even in pain, beats the hell out of

being dead, doesn't it? Death seems SO boring.

Nothing to read, nobody to talk to, no DU to post on...

Redstone

[SeattleGirl]

41. Yes, there is, my friend.

I am sorry you are still nagged by the pain, but how wonderful to read about your love (and lust!) for your wife, and the joy you took in watching your son peddle off to school (I was chuckling as I read that part).

Hugs and love to you, Redstone

:loveya: :hug:

[laylah]

42. Although I rarely, if ever

reply to your posts, I always read them.

That said, you are a man of great fortitude and I always wish you the best :hug:

Jenn

[liberaltrucker]

43. Your doc won't prescribe opiate pain killers?

I don't understand that. You WILL NOT get
addicted to these drugs when used for their
intended purpose. Hugs and vibes, my friend.

:hug:

:pals:

[Akoto]

45. As someone under pain management, I can say ...

Doctors seem to be extremely reluctant to prescribe opiate painkillers. There's probably some fear of addiction, but PM specialists also get a lot of 'over the shoulder supervising' from the government. They worry about getting into trouble if they fill something out improperly, or if a patient turns around and does something inappropriate with their meds. Often, they feel as though these risks bind their hands, even when they know something like an opiate would be appropriate for the patient.

I deal with pretty awful pain, and the strongest direct pain drug that has ever been in my cocktail has been Tramadol (Ultram). Synthetic opiate. I float at tolerable, but not functional. Better than nothing.

[ismnotwasm]

44. Good

You know my husband, (who, as I've mentioned a time or two has MS) Lives with constant pain and fear and fatigue and confusion and insecurity and profound depression--all kinds of bad life stuff than even I, as a nurse can't totally relate to, because I don't feel it.

Well he just has jury duty. I won't go into a whole lot of detail, but he held out at one point from the rest of the jurers because he thought this guy was guilty of every single charge and he thought the evidence proved it. The jury came around.

So now, one sick violent motherfucker is going to prison for a long time.

We never know what good we're going to do in the world, where we'll be needed, or when.

My husband and I laugh everyday, and, like you and your wife, our fires never fade. (no details from me either) I count us very lucky despite any hardships.

Seems to me, you're cut from the same mold as my husband is, and I have no higher praise.