Dear Lyric: an Advice Column

[Lyric]

Wherein I give vague and/or snarky and/or intrinsically ersatz advice to all your questions.

:D

[hippywife]

1. No question here, but

I just wanted to say hello and that you and Rhythm are missed around these parts. I hope you are both doing well, sweetie. And the little spawn of Lyric, as well. :* :hug:

[Lyric]

2. Awww.

Thank you! And the little guy is doing just fine. He's getting shockingly tall.

:hug: :loveya:

[Ptah]

3. Dear Lyric,

My Ersatzspieler keeps replacing itself with the latest substitute.


It's now up to Ersatzspieler 5.65.

How can I get it to stop?

Worriedly,
Ptah

[Lyric]

4. Dear Ptah

Visit your hairstylist every 6 weeks for trims, try a bit of prune juice to smooth out the engine, and if all else fails, hit it with a baseball bat.

Good luck!

[taterguy]

5. What's for dinner?

[Lyric]

8. Dear taterguy

Step 1: Cross the two shoestring ends over each other once and then loop one end under the other to make the first basic knot of a bow.

Step 2: In your right hand hold the right shoelace, with palm down, in your pinky, ring and middle fingers.

Step 3: In your left hand hold the left shoelace, with palms down, in your pinky, ring and middle fingers.

Step 4: Position your index fingers and thumbs in gun position.

Step 5: With your right hand place your index finger over the right shoelace and your thumb under the right shoelace. Your hand will be spinning towards you and the string will rest on top of your index finger and thumb.

Step 6: With your left hand spin your thumb away from you over the shoelace and your index finger under the shoelace. Your hand will spin away from you and the string will rest on top of your index finger and thumb.

Step 7: With your right index finger on the bottom and right thumb on top grab the left shoestring between your left finger and thumb.

Step 8: Hook the right string with your left index finger between the right index finger and thumb.

Step 9: Pull strings in opposite directions.

Step 10: Eat the shoes.

Bon appétit.

[taterguy]

11. Nikes or Adidas?

[Lyric]

12. Neither, of course.

New Balance is the new organic.

[taterguy]

14. I thought Tevas were organic

Am I wrong about that?

[Lyric]

18. Dear taterguy

Yes.

[Phentex]

6. Where can I buy regular sized cotton balls?

All I see at the stores are the jumbo sized. Is obesity to blame?

[MiddleFingerMom]

7. I got this one, Lyric.

.
Dear Phentex:
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Look no further than (ahem) society's need for Hummers, .50 cal handguns,
and Viagra by the truckload.
.
Compensation.
.
MiddleFingerMom
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Speaking of which, here's my question, Lyric:
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Do I get compensated for this?
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(with my luck the answer'll be: Yes, with jumbo-sized balls.)
.

[Lyric]

9. Dear MFM

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Toodles!

[Lyric]

10. Dear Phentex

No, I'm pretty sure that the gays are to blame for this one too. They're sneaky like that.

[KamaAina]

13. Dear Lyric,

Remember my lady friend from last year? Well, just after I finally caught up with her the other night, the evil one flew out here to propose to her. :cry: :cry: :cry: Please explain to me why it's worth it to go on living.

[Lyric]

17. Dear KamaAina

Tetris and cheesecake. So long as those don't go away, life will still be worth living.

And yes, I said CHEESE. :P

:hug: :loveya:

[KamaAina]

22. What am I, one of the Golden Girls?

(well, clearly not Rose, who would think Tetris was a brand of tea, like Lipton :P )

[quakerboy]

15. Dear Lyric

My weekend has not been long enough, and Monday is now tomorrow. How can I extend my weekend and prevent Monday from occurring until Wednesday, or at least until Tuesday?

Lacking enough sunday's in my week.

[Lyric]

19. Dear quakerboy

First, get a PhD in physics. Then, invent a time machine. Lastly, use your time machine to go back to Friday.

Alternatively, you can genetically engineer yourself to have wizarding powers and then enroll in Hogwarts. I hear that they have time-turners available. If not, well, you can turn your boss into a ferret, which will most certainly brighten your day.

Cheerio!

[quakerboy]

23. I do rather like ferrets

[TZ]

16. Dear Lyric I suspect my cats are plotting to kill me

I keep waking up at 3am with both of them staring down at me. What should I do?

[Lyric]

20. Dear TZ

You're doomed, sorry. You can try bribing them with tuna, but really, that's just delaying the inevitable. Good luck with your imminent doom!

[Dr. Strange]

21. Dear Lyric,

What makes you think your advice is better than that of the great Cthulhu?

Sincerely,

Dr. Strange, channeler of Cthulhu

[Lyric]

25. Dear MathDouche

Allow me to speak to you in language you will understand:

[Walk away]

24. Dear Lyric....is it possible to get my dogs to excrete something better than Poop?

I don't mind picking up after them but it would be a lot more fun if they were pooping diamonds or Godiva truffles.

Please respond ASAP as they just had dinner and they are ready for their walk.

Sincerely, Stuck Holding the Bag

[Lyric]

26. Dear Walk away

The solution to your problem is obvious. If you want them to poop diamonds, you have to feed them diamonds. First, become a billionaire. Then buy wheelbarrows full of diamonds every week. Feed them to your dogs, and voila--diamond poop. Isn't that simple?

Cheers!

[Walk away]

27. That is so much easier than feeding them coal and not taking them out for a billion years!

:woohoo:

[Lyric]

28. Yeah, that definitely wouldn't work.

Dogs really don't like to eat coal, but if you check out Teh Intertubes, you will see that dogs all over the world have a long and storied tradition of gulping down diamonds at inopportune moments. Obviously, diamonds must be extremely appetizing to the average canine--almost as much as socks!

[Walk away]

29. ....So that's where my socks went!.. ..nt

[carlyhippy]

30. Dear Lyric: How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie roll pop?

[Lyric]

31. Dear carlyhippy

42. If it takes more than that, then you obviously aren't licking hard enough.

You're welcome.