Stories from the Road: Solitude

[Tobin S.]

A lot of people think the hardest part of trucking is handling the rig, and it is difficult to learn to do it proficiently. There is a DUer that asked if I'd help him get into trucking. I told him that of course I would. One of the first things I said to him was that trucking was not easy. It gets easier with experience, but it never gets easy. After failing to get his CDL on the first try and then actually getting a taste of what real world trucking was like at a trucking company, he told me that it was an understatement when I said that trucking wasn't easy.

Learning how to drive a rig and being a qualified driver is difficult. When I went through trucking school, only half of my class graduated. That was just people who couldn't handle the rigs. Many more don't last very long out in the real world of trucking. Winter claims a lot of them. Traffic violations get quite a few. Drug and alcohol tests get some of them. Trucking also puts a great deal of stress on a family, and many drivers find that trucking isn't worth the pain it causes their spouses and kids.

That stuff was hard for me, too. But if you can make it through all of that there is one thing that might get you at any point in your career, no matter how safe and experienced you are. That is solitude. I don't think many people are made for a life of solitude. The solitude of trucking was actually a godsend to me at the time I got into it over thirteen years ago. I was having psychological difficulty and I just wanted to be away from everyone. The thought of riding down the road for ten hours at a stretch and only having to deal with people maybe once a day was very appealing to me. I loved the empty highways out west along with the beautiful scenery. The picture at the top was taken back then. I think it was April of 1999. I was at a deserted rest area out in Wyoming. I owned that truck, and even though it was just an old company truck reject, it was a source of pride for me.

But I was alone all the time. I even went out of my way to avoid socializing on the CB and in the truck stops. When at a shipper or receiver I would not sit with the other drivers and shoot the breeze with them if I could avoid it. I would wait in my truck. There is a line from a Metallica song that goes something like, "Like a poison that I swallow, but I want the world to die." That was my state of mind.

But believe it or not, even in that anti-social state of mind, the solitude got to me. I would stay out on the road for 2 or 3 months at a time, and it got to me. I took a local job after 3.5 years as a long haul driver. Even though I was paranoid and I thought everyone else was the source of my problems, I still needed human contact, even if it was someone calling me an asshole or a dumb ass (which happened from time to time). I preferred that to being alone for months at a time.

I'm thinking about doing that long haul stuff again. I thought for a while there that I would get all domesticated and stuff and settle down and start a family. Even though I'm sane and easy to get along with now days, it just isn't happening for me. But you won't find me out on the road for three months at a stretch unless I've got somebody to ride along with me. Even if you're crazy and anti-social, solitude can make things worse. Not many people are made for a life of solitude. Not many at all I don't think.

[hedgehog]

1. I work from home and spend a lot of time alone because my husband

travels and the kids are gone. I'll go out for choir and church, maybe stop at the library or store. After a while, I get used to it and it's hard to be with people again.

[Tobin S.]

2. Be careful hedgehog. It will turn you into an animal.

Is that how you got your user name? :)

[hedgehog]

3. Well, at least a mostly harmless animal!

:-)

I think I do tend to hide from people.

I've been hurt by others enough to try to be very careful not to hurt others. It's very easy to say or do something very nasty without meaning to because you don't see things through other's eyes. I don't think the people who hurt me had any idea how deep their barbs went.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

4. My dear Tobin...

What a lovely, thoughtful post. And the picture really adds something, too...

I see your pride in your truck, and your joy in the incredibly beautiful scenery...

I agree that we people are not really meant to be solitary in a way that keeps us alone for long periods of time from others. Look at what prisons do to their most dangerous inmates: they put them in solitary.

Thank you for sharing you thoughts...

Happy Memorial Day!

:hug:

[Tobin S.]

5. Thanks, Peggy

I was thinking about solitary confinement, too, when I wrote that post. :) Short of death and physical torture, considered the worst punishment.

[mike_c]

6. ah, I-80 on a good day....

What a gawd awful stretch of road. With black ice and crosswinds, in the winter, it's utter madness. The irony is that I drive Rt. 50 across Nevada and Utah to avoid I-80. Go figure. At least Rt. 50 is beautiful, every mile of it.

I like road solitude too. Like you, I can only take it for short periods, but sometimes that's just exactly what my psyche needs. And lots of desert.

[Tobin S.]

7. Yep

I've seen snow as late as May on I-80 in Nevada and as early as September in Wyoming.

But you are right about I-80 in the winter. I've seen some horrendous wrecks out that way and have been involved in one actually, but I wasn't driving. I wrote a story about that. :)

[auntAgonist]

8. Tobin I really enjoyed the

solitude. I loved being on the road when I had so much to try and resolve in my life.

If I were ever (heaven forbid) to find myself alone again, I'd go back to it, in a heartbeat.



I think I've seen that picture before and I thought it was near Little America, sure I'm wrong though :)


:hi:

Hope you're having a relaxing day.

kesha

[Tobin S.]

9. I'm having a very good day, Kesha

Yeah, I've posted the pic before. Both here and at the portal gates. I can't remember where exactly I took it, though, but it seems more like central Wyoming. I know Little America is more toward the western part of the state. As many times as I've driven by that place, I've never stopped in there. That rest area was truly deserted, btw. It was supposed to be closed to the public and there was no access to any of the facilities. But I really had to go :)

[david13]

10. Interesting words, again. I think it was Byrd, or Bird at the south?

pole, who said that after 6 months alone down there, he missed being insulted, as he was from Virginia.
The important thing about the solitude is ... you have to like yourself. You have to have a good relationship with, and a deep acceptance and love of yourself.
Which to me is the best basis of any relationship with anyone else.
When I think about long haul trucking, the thing that strikes me as not being easy is the monotony. The boredom, just road, and steering wheel. And fatigue, vibration, noise.
But, take a break, vary it, some long haul, some local. It pays the bills. (Hopefully)
dc

[Tobin S.]

11. Nice post, david.

I've never really liked myself and I was taught to think that way which is terrible. I've always been more accepting of others which is strange because it has led me to this place where I am still alone. I guess people won't respect you if you don't respect yourself.

[david13]

12. You can change it. Use a process. Look in the mirror and evaluate

yourself. Are you happy with your decisions? Do you approve of the way you dress, the way you wear your hair?
If not, there a million changes that you can do. You can get on a program or process to change anything you don't like about you.
About 40 years ago, a girl said to me, 'you are one of those guys that looks in the mirror in the morning and says 'go get 'em, tiger!', aren't you.
I looked more confident and capable than I felt inside. I realized that was the type of program I needed to get onto.
I suppose I have carried it too far and now am just selfish. But we don't have to please our parents anymore.
Only ourselves.
And when we do that we are on the best footing to have good relationships with others. And keep our own integrity and principles in the process.
dc

[Tobin S.]

13. Thanks David

Now that I think about it, there are some things that I like about myself. Enough to have the courage to do what I want to do. And I guess that's the most we can hope for.

Whether it leads to companionship or not might be a different story, but no one will ever be able to tell me that I didn't try. At least I have that.

[kimi]

14. I've spent a lot of time

this summer on the road especially between southern Iowa and the DC area due to family obligations, and so, have had a lot of time to think about truckers since I see them a lot on I80 and I70. Also, I've driven a lot in the past on I80 and I35 through Wyoming and Colorado. (I much prefer the Western areas to the Iowa and east interstates :) )

I do believe truckers are a special type. I've learned a lot about driving etiquette from them i.e. pull to the passing lane for stopped vehicles on the side of the road, blink headlights for clearance on vehicles which have passed, etc., but yes, I've also wondered how they deal with the solitude. On the one hand, it could seem to be a real blessing for a soul in turmoil who needs quietude, OTOH, it might be a real hazard in a way for someone who craves human companionship and conversation. I don't know that there's a happy medium but I admire folks who can do that sort of work. Really, it can be the best and worst of all possible worlds, IMO.

[Tobin S.]

15. You get it, kimi

That's the way it is. The best we can hope to do is find balance, but I think it is rarely achieved for those of us who make our livings on the interstate. There is always turmoil, but at least if you are running solo you aren't hurting anyone....but yourself.

[elleng]

16. Hi, Tobin,

Kind of OT; have you checked out any UU groups? Near you, for example:

http://www.mvuuf.org/08design/whoweare/mission.htm

http://www.mvuuf.org/08design/whoweare/whatisauu.htm

http://www.mvuuf.org/08design/socialconcerns/overview.htm

http://www.mvuuf.org/08design/news/currentnews.htm



:hug: