Significant others getting jealous when you try to help a friend

[Crazy Dave]

A friend of mine has now been out of work a year and a half as of Friday. She did everything she was supposed to, went to college, went into the corporate world, saved money, worked her way up the ladder for nine years but was only given a two day notice when they let her go. She then used her small severance package, unemployment and savings to live on and go back to school to begin a new career in the medical field. She graduated three months ago but cannot find a job in the medical field or doing what she did before. It turns out in my town it's the career schools that put most of the ads in the paper making people think there is a demand for those jobs. Now she's broke, without health care and her unemployment will not be extended unless the fat cats in Washington feel her pain. Her parents and family do not have much to give because at least one family member in their home is out of work and they also risk losing their homes too.

Now my reason for posting this story. The wife got all pissed off yesterday when I asked if we could let her move in with us for a couple of months and let her use one of our kid's old rooms. She got all jealous and mad and said we'd be "fucking all the time" behind her back. I'm really pissed off at my wife right now but I'm not the yelling or name calling type. I've never seen her get so jealous and act so unreasonable in our whole 13 years together.

Sucks!

[HipChick]

1. Letting her move in?..

:evilgrin:

[dawg]

2. Have you ever been sexual with this "friend"?

If so, I can sorta/kinda see your wife's point. Unreasonable, but understandable.

[Crazy Dave]

4. No and I'm not attracted to her nor her me

She has a lot more on her mind right now than having sex with anybody. Like trying to convince herself everyday that life is still worth living and not committing suicide.

[datasuspect]

3. your wife is nuts for not wanting to share her privacy, her home with a single woman.

nuts indeed.

[Crazy Dave]

5. She didn't seem to mind if we let my step-daughter and her hood boyfriend...

...move in with us after they both got out of jail for shop lifting last fall. Of course I said "no" because I was nuts too I guess :P

[datasuspect]

6. yeah, but the possibility of you fucking your step-daughter or her boyfriend

probably is nonexistent.

yer wife probably just doesn't want any competition over resources. and you are the resource.

the point is, you married your wife, insecurities and all. if she doesn't want you picking up strays that end up staying in your family home, then she has every right to say no. regardless of reasons, armchair psychology notwithstanding.

[hippywife]

7. Sounds like the wife has some insecurities of her own.

Have the two of them ever been friendly at all or is this someone only you have a friendship with?

I think it's wonderful that you would offer to help her out in this way. Sorry your wife doesn't seem to be as concerned for her as you are.

[seabeyond]

8. there is something pushing wife's buttons. if she doesnt tend to jealousy...

might have been better if wife was a part of the friendship then comfortable in the relationship you have.

i feel for your friend that needs help, especially if suicidal. very hard for two women to share a house, one single. and there sit you.

there is always the options of you doing what is needed for your wife to feel secure, ect... even at the expence of your time and efforts. instead of simply be pissed that she reacted and expecting her to be comfortable with arrangement.

interesting story.... hm. share if you get any insight beyond this post. curious what is behind it.

[Crazy Dave]

9. They do know each other and call each other friends

I guess I needed to clarify that. Of course it wasn't, "hey hun....I know this girl who..."

It's definitely off the table now though and I'm glad I didn't make the offer to her first.

[elleng]

10. OT, kind of,

but former husb 'jealous' when I called friend, after having been out of town for a bit. Typical of various misunderstandings. Divorced.

[Lindsey]

11. The biggest heartbreak of my life was due to jealously. If I had

to do it over again her jealously would without question mean nothing. I can't believe it's been seven years ago and I honestly believe I'll never have another love in my life.:cry:...nor do I want to.

[cwydro]

15. Jealousy can definitely break up a relationship.

I've been on both sides of that coin. Sorry for your pain.

[dawg]

19. That is so sad .... don't give up!

Maybe in seven years I will sound different, but I'm not a believer in giving up.

[seabeyond]

22. we seem to put our back up with jealousy. there are levels of jealousy

some too much and controlling. but much of jealousy in a good relationship can be accepted and dealt with, not interferring with life.

some people actively encourage because it pumps their own ego, making them feel more loved or worthy and then get pissed when it rears it's head

some allow it to be by ignoring or dismissing feelings because they feel it is to control them, and by gosh, they just arent going to allow it. they do nothing to try to assure person. may even actively promote feelings then get righteously disgusted at person.

there are a lot of games palyed with jealousy, and often times it doesnt have to be, if people work with each other.

then again, i have seen jealousy used as a weapon, by both genders... to control, isolate, abuse.

tricky thing.

[Brickbat]

12. We had one of Mr. Brickbat's (guy) friends move in with us for a few months when he needed some

help after getting a divorce...I like to think I wouldn't have a problem if it were a female friend, but I might. However, from here, your wife's reaction seems really out of line. That's a huge accusation, IMO.

[petronius]

13. Moving in is a bit bigger than what is commonly meant by "helping a friend",

and I can think of a lot of objections to having an extra person in the house, but the specificity of your wife's accusation makes me think that this should not be taken lightly. Rightly or wrongly, it sounds like she is having a huge trust concern...

[Iggo]

14. She said you'd be "fucking all the time" behind her back?

You got bigger problems than just an out-of-work friend, friend.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

16. Turn it around. How would you feel if She came home with the same

proposition....................?

Hun, This guy friend of ours needs a place to stay...........what say we let him have one of the kid's old rooms?

[seabeyond]

17. my hubby's pig male friend stayed with us a couple days on a visit

hubby is not the jealous sort. but then, i have always lived in a way to allow him total peace of mind too. but.....

his friend being who he is, my hubby wasnt so comfortable going to work those couple of days. had nothing to do with me. had everything to do with his friend.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

18. whose idea was it, that this pig stay in your home?

[seabeyond]

20. lol lol. well see, there is that too.

it is his friend. and though there is a lot of things i really like about the guy, the bottom line is he is an ass.... lol. so that is what hubby can tell self. bottom line i think he is an ass. he has hit on me subtly, about every time we get together. so there is that too.

just who this dude is.

but more to the point, it is his friend, his invite and still it is hard for hubby who is not the jealous sort and pretty confident i am not interested nor would i do anything anyway.

i am more curious why hubby didn't delve into. i would be fascinated in sitting down with mate and finding out why the comments were made. and put the effort into making mate truly know there is no interest and no need to think what she does. she is probably quietly holding onto the conversation to be had again, another time. lol.

[cwydro]

21. I agree the "fucking" comment was a little out there...

but I wouldn't want someone coming into my home either...of either gender.

My home is my refuge.

I think that would put a tremendous strain on your marriage.

[unpossibles]

23. as someone whose had many non-sexual roommates of both genders

I sometimes forget that some people can't separate the two things. Has your wife ever had a male roommate in college who she was not having sex with? If so, then perhaps you could remind her of that gently.