Tomorrow I will be taking my Mother's ashes to the old farm she grew up on.

[texanwitch]

One of her cousins own the farm so it is OK with him.

We will plant a tree in the spot, a new life.

I wish I could have known my Mother sooner but she was a angry woman for a long time.

I don't know why but that is the past.

She will be back home in the fields she played in as a child, a happy time for her.

I will be leaving in a few hours to pick up her ashes.

I now have one parent left, but he is doing well.

I have my Mother's flag, another WWII vet gone.

Her WWII journal was vey interesting reading, she was on a admiral's staff.

She was in London when the bombing was going on.

The cycle will be complete tomorrow, she was born on this farm at home.

[kayakjohnny]

1. What a beautiful post!

I'll bet you'll be feeling every emotion possible while going through this.

I wish you all the best, texanwitch, as you go through this part of your life.

There is a lot of feeling and sentiment in your post.

Thanks and you will be in my thoughts.

Cheers.

[Parche]

2. big hugs

which admiral was she on the staff with? I am a history buff....:hug::hi:

[Tikki]

3. So many of us are so there with you...

and for so many reasons....
You are an un-angry woman...good on you.

ps...It's alright to feel a little, a lot or not to feel.


Tikki

[texanwitch]

6. Thanks Tikki.

If I had to make a guess I think the anger came from having to get married.

I don't think my Mother wanted to be married and living in one place.

Three kids and a husband tied her down, she just couldn't take it anymore.

I came along later as a surprise child as my parents were breaking up.

My Mother never forgot a birthday or Christmas, I always got a check to buy what I wanted.

So she was thinking about me.

I did see her from time to time growing up but she kept her distance.

I am having some strange feelings right now.

[foxfeet]

4. Beautiful and fitting.

Blessings to you and to your Mother.:hug:

[CaliforniaPeggy]

5. My dear redwitch...

What a beautiful post...

Talk about the unbroken circle.

I hope you have a lovely time, taking care of this ...

:hug:

[seabeyond]

7. ah, what a lovely way to honor her.

and i too am sorry that you didnt have a relationship earlier with her that gave you what you needed as a child. i am glad you are able to do this for her.

take care of you.

[fizzgig]

8. peace to you, tw

[Phentex]

9. It's a strange feeling...

especially when others can be so close to their parents.

It's a nice thing you're doing. :hug:

[Crystal Clarity]

10. I'm so sorry; and thanks for the post...

In just a few words, you've beautifully summed up the feelings of love and pain within each of us and it's power to hurt, or heal... To not necessarily condone other people's anger and it's accompanying behavior(s) but yet to try to understand and forgive... To remember that they too were once innocents themselves who may have been wounded in ways that even they may not have understood...

It sounds as if you may have traveled some long bumpy roads yourself to have reached such a level. I see wisdom that I can only begin to aspire to in your post.

May your mother finally rest in peace. She sounds as if she was as remarkable a person as you clearly are. And what a beautiful tribute to her... the tree... :hug:

[marzipanni]

11. There has been a lot of talk lately about 'bucket lists'

I thought of a different exercise, writing a letter to my next incarnation apologizing for what I might not "fix" in myself, that he/she will have to work on.

I hope that it becomes more normal in our society for men and women to have the opportunity to have fulfillment in both job and family aspects of their lives.

You are forgiving your mom, and that will help you heal. :hug:

[Odin2005]

12. +1

[LeftyFingerPop]

13. Peace to you, texanwitch

:hug:

[Old Troop]

14. If it's not too hard, can you tell us more about her?

[Kali]

15. when my mother was in hospice she told me she was afraid she would never see the ranch again

I told her I would get her here, but I couldn't do it. She died a couple if weeks later and was buried next to her parents and a sister that died as a child, in a cemetary across the valley. I suppose you can see the ranch from there, but I always feel like I let her down. again.

good for you, texanwitch. the process has been a mostly good one, I think. yes?

[JoePhilly]

16. We did something similar after my father died, 20+ years ago ...

this month. I won't forget it, and I can tell you won't forget either. Good.

My father too, was an angry man. Manic depressive with schizophrenic tendencies (actual professional diagnosis).

I was 20, he was 42. He died in a car accident. He fell asleep at the wheel driving in the middle of the night.

His mania made him great to be around, his depression made him terrible to be around. The "schizophrenic tendencies" ensured that his take on events was always "interesting".

He didn't like himself. And too often he turned that anger outward. At his wife, his kids.

He always said he did not want to be buried, but cremated, with his ashes spread over a small lake in PA that we would go to when I was a small child. He always said that he like catching bass in that lake, and cooking them (mom actually cooked them) for dinner. And so he thought that the bass should get a shot at him after he died.

It was one of the only places where he seemed really happy.

After he died, my uncle (not close to me, or my dad, but very pushy) wanted, demanded, that my dad be buried in the family plot.

My mother was in no condition to tell him no. My parents, sadly, were separated when my Dad died, my mom blamed herself (in realty my Dad was abusive at times, and I'd told her to leave for at least 3 years). But she was too upset.

I told my uncle No. Told him my dad would be cremated, and his ashes spread up at the lake. That is what he wanted. My uncle almost lost his mind. How dare I tell him what would be (he was always a jerk).

My grandfather, who had been siding with my uncle initially, actually understood. And when he agreed with me, the debate ended.

So, we took my father's ashes to the lake, rented a row-boat, went out to the middle of the lake, and laid him to rest in one of the only places I really ever recall him being happy with himself, and those around him.

He'd rarely been happy in life, and so I've always thought that what we did that day, was the best way to say goodbye.

And I still remember it, and in far greater detail than I have shared here.

I suspect, from reading what you wrote, that you too will remember this, and in great detail.

Best wishes.

[ThomCat]

17. I hope the trip is a good one for you.

I'm sorry you didn't have time to have more good times with your mom. :hug:

[Tuesday Afternoon]

18. May she rest in peace....and peace, also to you Texanwitch.

:hug:

[hippywife]

19. I hope in doing this

that when you spread her mortal remains to the earth and wind, you will also be able to concentrate on letting whatever residual hurt you still harbor accompany them. As much as it seems that you have forgiven her, you would not be human if you were not still hurt and saddened on some level by that which you lost long before her passing.

I also hope that this final parting brings new discoveries of love and understanding for the person she was, and the realization that no matter what she still loved you in the only way she could. After all it's entirely possible that she kept her distance solely for your sake and not hers.

Peace unto you, texanwitch. :hug:

[OhioChick]

20. That's a very nice post.

:hug:

[JohnnyLib2]

21. Hugs and prayers for all.

And thanks for sharing.

[Dystopian]

22. Bittersweet

texanwitch...thank you for sharing the beauty of your mother's life cycle.
The planting of the tree to begin new life is inspirational.
You are inspiring ...
It is rare to return to the very place of one's birth.
May she rest in eternal peace...

Much peace & love to you~

[MiddleFingerMom]

23. Your posts about this experience illustrate to me that you're a pretty remarkable woman.

.
.
.
.
.
.
I'm sure there is some discomfort, disquietude -- but you also
seem to have a great deal of acceptance and understanding.
.
.
.
Pretty rare and wonderful qualities.
.
.
.
You may or may not need it, but you have a lot of peace and
strength headed your way from many of the people in here --
including me.
.
.
.

[texanwitch]

24. My Mother's ashes are in a really nice looking wooden box on the table, I had the box for years.

Seems strange to hold the remains of a human being in a small box.

Some of the ashes will be put into the ground around the tree, the rest let go into the wind.

I tried for along time to get close to my Mother, I finally gave up.

It was only when she became ill and I had to handle her affairs that I really talked to her.

Now she did leave a big box of journals she kept from the time she about 11 or so.

So I will get to know my Mother reading the journals, there are a lot of them.

None of us are prefect, we all make mistakes.

I had a great childhood thanks to my Aunt, my Mother and Father gave me to her straight from the hospital.

They did the best they could.

At some point you have to let things go and accept what has happened.


Thanks so much for all the kind posts, they really mean a lot to me.

I am so glad I found Democratic Underground and the Lounge.

Words typed on a computer screen are not just words, they really mean something.

I am heading of the bed, it has been a long day.

See y'all in a few days, I will be staying at the farm so no internet.


Looking at the wooden box on the table I am glad I took care of my Mother.

Wasn't always easy.

I need to go to bed soon, got to get up early and head out to the farm.

Lots of things to get ready, family and friends are coming.

I will meet some of her cousins who can tell me things and will have pictures to share.

Tomorrow will be a good day, not a sad one.

[Withywindle]

25. Hugs to you.

A trivia fact I just learned: there is only one currently serving head of state (that includes presidents, prime ministers, royalty) in the world who is a WWII vet.

It's Queen Elizabeth II of England; she served.

I think she would appreciate that. I hope you feel absolved carrying out this last rite. Even though your relationship was tense, I really hope you do read her journals - that's possibly a far more meaningful act than the final disposition of her remains. All anyone ever wants out of life--especially the difficult people--is to be understood. For some, it'll have to be posthumous, but that's better than nothing. I wish I had diaries of my ancestors who've passed.

[Kali]

26. oh, you really said something big

"All anyone ever wants out of life--especially the difficult people--is to be understood."

might need to steal for a sig line. just wonderful!

[Withywindle]

27. Feel free to use it!

Being understood is not easy to come by. It's HARD. I think I've tried to understand people I loved and failed; I think people who've loved me have tried to understand me and failed. But it does mean a lot if someone is willing to try.

[JCMach1]

28. Shantih

[MrMickeysMom]

29. It sounds like the ceremony you'll have will be good...

... and it sounds like you have chosen the positive path for her memory.

Cherish what you have left in this life. It's good that he's well.