Okay, how stupid am I?

[kimi]

And leave judgmental stuff out of it, please. Okay, on second thought, maybe I need judgmental stuff.

I'll be honest, maybe I shouldn't have done this. But the guy was sweet and I needed this at the time. So I gave in to temptation.

So now he doesn't contact me, doesn't text me, call or e-mail. I'm old-fashioned, I like that sort of stuff, it makes me feel good. Follow-up is nice, am I wrong?

I'm newly single, after a long marriage. Haven't had much experience with this sort of thing.

I know this seems sort of incoherent. I'M sort of incoherent these days. My actions are even more incoherent, and I'm very concerned that what I'm doing is just way wrong on so many levels. I will be single for a long time, I think, so I have to get this right, and I don't want to screw this up.

But is this what it's like now? Really? People not contacting each other? Cause if so, I don't care for it. This ain't so nice.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

1. My dear kimi...

No judgmental stuff from me. I'm sure it's a scary world, dating again after being married for a long time...

So you went out with him.....and then went to bed with him? Am I understanding this?

Follow-up sure is nice, no question.

But there are probably lots of reasons why he isn't contacting you. He's busy, he's not interested, there are other people around he sees too...Who knows?

Move slowly, next time, or with the next guy. That's what I'd do.

I hope someone with more recent experience comes along with concrete advice.

:hug:

[kimi]

4. Thanks so much

I'd known him awhile, and after the marriage went kaput went out with him. And -- yeah. So, now, it's like he doesn't know me. Really hurts. The time we were together was special, so this hit me hard, I never expected it. Maybe he's busy? tangled up in other stuff?

I'm just going through a rough time, and it seems like not too much to ask that he be there for me, but maybe that's not what people ask of dates (?) these days. Just trying to figure it out.

Thanks, CAPeggy. Love ya. :hi:

[denbot]

2. You're not stupid..

He is. I don't know you, but from your post it seems that you are a smart caring person. He had a chance to develop a relationship with someone a cut above what he deserves and he blew it. His loss, not yours. Be good to yourself and don't let the jerks bring you down.

[kimi]

5. Thanks, I needed to hear that!

I'm just out testing these waters - it's so different from 20 some years ago. And I'm a hell of a lot more sensitive than I was back then. Sheesh. I'm such a baby.

Thank you. Your words are precious. I appreciate them.

[SwampG8r]

3. let me help

he is a guy
so he is very stupid
if you are interested call him
most of us guys find it so unbelievable that women WANT to have us call them that we dont
always remember
whatever he says and however old he is
once he was a boy who was uncomfortable and shy and kind of afraid of girls
so with a lot of us if YOU are interested we wont pick up subtle clues unless you tape them to a brick and toss them through a windshield

mariied 32 years this month so i may actually know something

[kimi]

6. Ah, bless your heart!

Thank you. I was such an awkward teen that I never thought guys would be interested in ME. I don't think I'm un-attractive, I'm certainly not a world class beauty, but I don't break windows with hideous-ness either, LOL.

The clues taped to bricks and tossed through windshields, that strikes a chord with me. *Goes out to look for bricks*

(Not really, but the image is funny as hell)

[SwampG8r]

7. my personal memory is

that the call will have a better and more profound effect than the brick
the phrase my wife has used most is "how freaking clueless are you?"
i have no clue as to what a correct answer is

[jotsy]

8. Not stupid.

Vulnerable I think is a more fitting to characterize the variety of feelings running through you.

First question I might have is are you looking for more from the encounter than it was meant to provide? What I'm considering as I ask is about 'getting back on the horse'. That first step back into the dating scene after a lengthy union is the hardest one to take, and now you've done that. Divorce is a huge blow to the confidence, even in the best of circumstances. What I found I questioned after the break up of my own 7 year marriage was my judgment. For whatever reason, a partnership I participated in failed, and even if I'm healthier for going forward on my own, finding certainty in anything again was a challenge.

The next thing I might be curious about is if this is a guy who travels the same circle of friends as the ex. If so, that fact may be more at the root of his fading from view rather than him being dismissive of you.

Lastly, the two pieces of advice I'm always giving single people, romantic partners can be like buses, there will be another along shortly, and the more gender driven comment of this: Give 'em all the love and attention they want, and all the freedom they think they want, chased boys run, chasing stops and quite often they turn and look back to see where she went! Make it clear freedom is a thing you cherish in your own right and that you won't be giving up on a whim. I believe guys think all us girls want is to lay claim to any handy warm body. Be too into what's best for you for that. Take this time for you to find you again, and remember that sometimes just enjoying yourself is all it has to be about.

Disclaimer: I've not been single since the late 80's, may hap lots has changed. As I raise my kids though, I find the dynamics in the drama with their peers familiar enough to tell them this: The details are updated, but the dynamics of interaction remain the same.

Good luck and try not be too hard on yourself.

[kimi]

9. Words of wisdom

I appreciate them, and appreciate the advice. No, this is definitely not the same circle of friends as the ex. Even so, yes, I may have been looking for something more than what it was meant to provide. I dunno, it's been so long since I've been out there in the real world, it's like everything is different. I have to get a whole new mind-set, it seems, and that's a weird thing to me. When you've been a monogamous person for eons, it's a strange thing to turn all that over. Eh, I'll adjust, or maybe not. It can be worked on. LOL.

Thank you, I appreciate your words. Very kind, and needed at this time!

[jotsy]

10. A little back drop tune to sort it through on.

This is a Paula Cole song, but lyrics were difficult to make out in her live performances and the original video didn't seem to be available, so...

<http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=99c7FndIw0g&feature=related>

[kimi]

11. That was beautiful, thank you!!

I really appreciate it. It's been a long sleepless night for many reasons. (Darn kids, they put us through so much, but that's a whole other rant.)

I can go to sleep now. Again, thanks. This is why I love DU, you guys are always here. Love ya!

[kimi]

12. I've been reading through your words again

Taking the time to find me again, yes, I need to do that. My therapist has been saying that, and intellectually I know I need to do that, but sometimes the impetus comes from outside.

It's scary. But thank you again, jotsy. I take your words to heart.

[sarge43]

13. Not stupid at all

Another way to look at it. He did you a favor. Ask yourself, would you want any kind of a relationship with someone like that? I think you got lucky that he's out of the way.

As someone else said, his loss, not yours.

[Deep13]

14. Call and ask him.

He may not realize you are interested in anything more than what you did. Men often are not big on subtlety.

[kimi]

15. Really?

See, I've wondered about that. But I don't want to be pushy or bitchy. Do guys get freaked out if women call them afterwards?

Honest, I just don't know. Just trying to figure it out. This is a whole new world to me. I get it that men don't know subtlety - I was married long enough to realize that LOL but I don't know if there's any way to know that he thinks I'm worth anymore than a one or two-night stand.

And, honestly, not sure if I want to know, at this point, so maybe the point is moot. But still, the whole thing is just so -- eh, hard to describe.

Gotta get to know myself better, I guess, before I put myself out there. I should have known that but my self-esteem was working against me.

Eh, need some more therapy, I guess. And a long time with the kittehs.

[Deep13]

16. I doubt he'll get freaked out, but I can't guarantee it.

The point is you have a right to know what his intentions are and the only real way to find out is to ask. I don't know how hung up he is on implicit social rules for this sort of thing. I've never understood them anyway. You know you are worth more that a one night stand. That's not the issue. I think the more revevent question is whether or not either of you want more than that. Sounds like you might.

On the other hand, it is not a bad idea to be on your own for awhile after a relationship ends. A lot of girls begin dating so early and are in relationships their whole lives. They never have a chance to get to know who they are and what they want apart from being so-and-so's girlfriend or wife.

[david13]

17. My advice is do not call. Forget it. This is part of life, that things

do not last forever.
Like a marriage. They do not last forever. This idea of 'traditional' marriage and all that sanctity crap, it ain't true. Here they get a divorce 50% of the time.
Now, with this guy. Guys, you see are like dogs chasing cars. It's the chase. After they catch the car, what are they going to do with it?
Guys are like kids. They see all the presents under the Xmas tree, and they want to open all of them. Of course, they do not want all the stuff in all the presents, they just want the thrill of the opening.
Life just ain't a nice thing. I walk around this world and I talk to everyone. Any time, any place, any person, and I will come up with something to say. At least half of them cannot speak, make no response and walk away.
A few smile and walk away.
Rare are the people who can respond and talk. Most people are closed up in their little world and you cannot get in for two words. Let alone a bit of friendship.
So let it go and move on to the next. Which may or may not work or last more than a short while.
dc

[seabeyond]

19. if guys are just dogs and kids, .....

you sell a lot of men short. all i hang out with are men. fallacy men dont want to be connected. i am more the emotionally detached non connecting kinda gal then almost all the men i know. they are deperate to be connected when they are not, and happy to be when are. my oldest brother is the one male i know that is more like me

it is personality, not gender. and all of history points to that.

i listen to the men on du. they arent shy.... i want a gf

[david13]

21. I know. I don't sell anybody short. I sell truthful those that fit the shoe.

I believe in full disclosure, and I said nothing about all men or the du men.
I know the difference twixt and tween personality and gender.
Some of the men on du cry for a gf, others hang loose.
I get the impression that guy in the op is a whole lot different than those with whom you hang out, know, or are like, or unlike you.
dc

[seabeyond]

23. laughin......

i love this post....

you are covering everything and anything in case and for, so well.

i hear ya

he may be throw away. that is cool. it isnt about her and that is really the issue she should know.

[old mark]

18. Kimi, I'm on marriage #2, over 17 years and going great! But the first one was terrible.

My advice - give yourself time to be by yourself, as hard as that may sound. Learning more about what you really want is always a good thing.
Take time, and just let things work themselves out and they will.
There is nothing wrong with you - it is the world.

All the best.

mark

[kimi]

22. Thank you

I appreciate that. Trying to learn the "new rules" is kind of confusing. If there are new rules, that is.

But yes, time is the hardest thing to get used to. I hear the clock ticking, and it gets louder, and it's not the biological clock either, cause I've had my kids, it's the clock that says "You gotta find someone before you get old and lonely and die by yourself".

Which, maybe, isn't such a bad thing, in the end. Who knows?

[seabeyond]

20. call him. dont make him do all the work. dont take it personally

let him be honest. if wires didnt connect, means nothing about you and doesnt make him the bad guy, just didnt happen. take the good and pleasure out of experience and go find some more with someone else.

confidence, secure, a worthwhile person... you like you? that is all you need. enjoy life.

[kimi]

24. I'll try to do that, but it's scary

There seemed to be a connection, and we had a good time. I just don't know how these things work these days. Trying to find my way, I guess, eh, I feel so goofy, like a kid trying to walk. I'll try to enjoy it, it's just scary.

[seabeyond]

25. but see

you are no longer with someone so you can work on all this stuff.... and feel so much better. the opportunity you have. booyah.

fear is an illusion you create for yourself to live that is not real, yet you feel a real discomfort or pain. think about this. your brain is thinking about what could happen. nothing, not a single thing has happened, yet her you have created an anxiety of what might be. once you walk into fear, and not walk away from fear, it goes away. it is no more. if you walk away from it, it follows along sitting beside you. it cannot be there cause in the now.... there is nothing your mind can create (has to be past or future) that will cause that anxiour uncomfortable feeling of fear.

it is just a matter of practicing, facing that fear, before you realize how easy it is not to sit in it.

you are an adult not a kid. so you are beyond all that insecurity and unknown. you have lived so long, you have the experience to know, people are merely.... people. good bad in all our imperfection. no better, just different.

this is your time to play with all this stuff. and do it with a smile and joy of the opportunity you set up for yourself to grow and mature. and that really allows life to be comfortable regardless if you are alone or connected.

and that

will be attractive and attract

you go girl

i am a little jealous of what you are going to get to do....

[kimi]

26. Thank you

You DO see beyond :)

[MrScorpio]

27. It's his loss, Kimi

You're better off without him.

[kimi]

30. Thanks

I'm trying to tell myself that. It's sort of difficult cause I really like him. But I appreciate it.:)

[SeattleGirl]

28. I'm sorry, kimi

:hug:

[kimi]

31. Thank you

This morning especially, I needed that hug!

[LeftyFingerPop]

29. All you have to remember is that you did nothing wrong.

You did what was best for you at the time. Just move a little slower next time (even though that is no guarantee that it won't happen again).

Having sex is not a bad thing, as long as it is done safely. YOU get to decide where and when you want this to happen, based on your own desires and beliefs.

Please don't beat yourself up when you did nothing wrong. You sound to me to be a very nice person.

[kimi]

32. That's really sweet of you to say that, LFP

I appreciate your words, and will remember them. Thanks!:)