How do I help someone in an abusive relationship?

[lightningandsnow]

My coworker, who is a friend of mine and a lovely person all around, is being abused by her fiance. He's never hit her as far as I'm aware, but he's done other things, including:

- Punching holes in the wall when angry
- Throwing things
- Threatening her
- Threatening to kill himself if she breaks up with him
- Constantly accusing her of cheating on him
- Controlling her

She's getting married to him next summer, not because she really wants to, but because she feels like she'll never be able to move out of her mom's house otherwise. She says that she's tried to break up with him in the past, but she's scared that he'll kill himself if she leaves him.

I really don't know what to do. I hate that this is happening to her, but I don't know how to stop it.

[Skittles]

1. she really needs therapy

get her to talk to a professional

[Tobin S.]

2. There may be nothing you can do

He's sort of blackmailing her into marrying him with the suicide threats. Ask her if she thinks she'll ever be happy being married to him. You could ask her if she wants to live her entire life in misery. He's taken advantage of her good nature to sucker her into a very bad relationship that if it's good for anybody will only be good for him.

[Richard Steele]

3. Raise her self esteem, or hire someone to kill him.

Sorry, but it's just that simple.

[peacefreak]

4. Do you have a women's crisis center in your area?

She needs to get counseling FAST. This man is dangerous to her & chances are things will only escalate from this point. At the very least, start doing some reading online. Look for a copy of a power/control wheel. This young woman does not need a marriage license, she needs a restraining order.

[Curmudgeoness]

5. She has to make this decision herself, and that is not easy...

Try to show her that she has alternatives, that she is a great person who deserves better, that this is not a healthy relationship, that there are wonderful men out there. She needs to feel like she has options. She feels trapped, and he is using that. It will get worse. It will. Make sure she knows that. She will wish she is still living at home with her mother!

Then invite her over to watch a movie, and watch The Burning Bed.

[david13]

6. I think that's the major problem. You probably can't help her.

She can only help herself. You can talk, or suggest things, make referrals, like the other posts say, but only she can do it for herself.
dc

[proteus_lives]

9. +1

[applegrove]

7. Get her to counselling asap.

[Lil Missy]

8. You can't.

[rucky]

10. She needs a third option.

My wife has gotten herself (not me), her sister and a friend out of abusive relationships. She's a pro at this, but it's alot of work and pretty frustrating sometimes, but the success has always come when there was a way out paved for them. If you really want to help, you have to help her find another way out that puts her on a positive, independent & secure path. If she's earning income, it should be alot easier than the cases I've been through.

Be persistent and insistent on healthy choices. Don't worry that you're dictating too much - that's what she needs until she can make better decisions. You know what's going to happen if she stays with this guy. It's textbook.

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

11. It will only get worse if she marries him, but

I have no idea how you can convince her of that. Even if he's not hitting her now, chances are that someday he will. You probably can't do anything, unfortunately. It's almost impossible for a friend or relative to intervene or help when somebody gets involved with an abuser.

My mother's cousin, a really sweet woman, was married to a guy like that. I don't think he ever hit her, at least that I know of, but he constantly put her down, criticized her, controlled her, and generally made her life miserable. After years of this the poor thing was so beaten down that she could hardly do anything for herself, although my mom and aunt tried to help her and encourage her to leave him. He had a lot of health problems, too, so she was constantly waiting on him and tending to his relentless demands. And everybody outside the family thought he was such a nice, charming fellow, which he was -- to everyone but her. Finally his bad health caught up with him and he died, which we had been hoping he'd do for years. She's still around, in her 80s now, getting along OK by herself. I hope she can enjoy whatever time she has left, because she sure didn't have much fun for like 50 years.

I hope your friend doesn't suffer the same fate - or worse.

[Dyedinthewoolliberal]

12. I know this will draw criticism

but I also know it works.
My sister somehow wound up with a nut case like that. My brothers had a talk with him. In that talk they conveyed the following message;
'if you touch our sister or her kids you will answer to us' That's all.
He stopped that crap that day. Most of those types are bullies and do not have the 'nads to pick on someone who will fight back......... just sayin' :shrug:

[struggle4progress]

13. I'd tell her: "Marry for love. Don't marry a guy for any other reason."

Frankly, "I'll kill myself if we break up" is sick controlling bullshit -- and it should be a big warning sign that more loads of sick controlling bullshit are coming down the road. If somebody told me that, I might give them some specific suggestions for how to get help, or maybe try a few joint counseling sessions, but I'd at least quickly put relationship "on hold" until the underlying issue was dealt with

[Kaleva]

14. The woman in question has some major issues herself.

"She's getting married to him next summer, not because she really wants to, but because she feels like she'll never be able to move out of her mom's house otherwise."

That should have set off warning bells about your friend.

My wife had a friend for years but a few weeks ago we both decided it was best to cut her out completely as she brought too much drama into our own lives and she was her own worst enemy. For a long time, we offered her moral support and sometimes provided her with money only to see her repeat the same mistakes in relationships over and over again. The final straw was that this woman was also very good friends with my wife's sister but she had an affair with her husband.

[crim son]

15. Find some (readily available) literature on the various

types of partner abuse and put it on her desk or somewhere she will find it, or just hand it to her. No matter how upset it might make her she will think about the fact that somebody has been paying attention and her situation doesn't look right. Therapy won't help her unless she recognizes the problem and decides to put herself first.

When I was young I watched a coworker dealing with the same thing. She did marry the fellow and shortly afterward, I moved out of state. I wish I'd said something but I didn't, not so much because I thought she'd ignore me as because I thought I would be intruding where I wasn't wanted. Now I know it doesn't matter if I'm wanted or not.

Whatever happens, you are not responsible for stopping anything but you might feel better about yourself if you gave her your informed opinion in no uncertain terms. With compassion,I mean. Sorry you are in this situation!