Part 1 of 3, The Bachelor PartyWhen you suddenly find out you're getting married by week's end when you still thought you had 6 weeks to plan it should come as no surprise that you feel somewhat surprised.
Sure things were a bit stressful pulling in a preacher and I naively thought we would never get friends and family to be able to accommodate our new schedule but I soon learned the last thing you should ever worry about is getting people to show up to a wedding. As fate would have it my in-laws and my dad and step-mom really did wonders planning things out for us. As stressed as I was this battalion of saints and angels were absolutely wonderful
But that still left one thing: Lover Boy's bachelor party.
He wanted to go out with his old army buddies so he called them up and they wasted no time putting together a group. Apparently it doesn't take much prodding to get a bunch of soldiers to drive half-way across a state to drink booze and stare at naked women.
Who knew.
Sadly, Lover Boy's best buddy, they guy he has shared far too much of the worst this world has to offer, wasn't able to make it because his unit was out playing
Lost, the Season Premier, as LB likes to call it. Lover Boy was sad almost to the point of tears and my heart was breaking for him but soon his other friends were knocking at our door. They were as loud and vulgar as ever and I had forgotten how much I missed them. LB obviously missed them as well. They also brought some young kid with them, brand new to the unit. He's tall and thin with sun blond hair. The verbal abuse and badgering they put this poor kid through seems cruel but I guess it is par for the course. He took it in stride and it brought out the cutest little boy smile in him.
I snuggled up to LB and gave him a kiss and told him to have fun but to behave himself and bit his lower lip until he said "Ow!" just to drive my point home. We had agreed earlier in the week that they would go to a club where a friend of mine from college works so I could make sure he stayed out of trouble in exchange for him getting VIP treatment. He smiled at me and blew me a kiss as his friends dragged him out the door.
OMG! I hardly had any time now!
I called my friend and asked how much the VIP lounge was going to cost. Are you freakin' kidding me? Whatever. Let's do this.
So I race downtown and hit the lingerie store. Hey, the wedding night has to be special, right? And hey, why not get a little something extra.
Knowing LB and his friends will be hitting a few bars and getting dinner before the club I have some time but not much. I race to the club and park down the street so my car won't be seen in the parking lot.
I walk into the club and ask for my friend but she sees me and comes racing up to me. She's giddy for me getting married and teases me with all the things I said during college about marriage being a way to oppress women and marginalize people into a class system.
Yeah, yeah. Can I get a glass of wine to wash down all this crow I'm eating. No, no chardonnay, a nice "blush" seems appropriate.
She then asks about LB. Yeah, he's that soldier boy I was seeing just before we finished school. Yeah, he's bringing more soldiers with him. Yeah, she can have one for her very own if she wants.
We're catching up on old times when the club manager comes in to be paid for the VIP lounge so I hand over the $150. He tells me I'm good looking enough I could make that kind of money in 15 minutes (thanks, I suppose) if I would do something about my tits (asshole). He says he can recommend someone who does good work and grabs my friend's boob and shakes it for a product testimonial (no, really, you're an asshole). I was kind of mad at my friend for getting a boob job but she says there's no denying her tips are better now.
My friend leads me to the back and on the way a guy offers me $20 for a dance. My friend intercepts and says I don't work there so he ups his offer to $50 and my friend puts her arms around me and says I'm her bitch. He offers $120 for us to dance together. I try to break away as congenially as possible and race for the back of the house.
I spend the next hour or so talking to the girls in the back of the house. Wow! It would take a hundred pages to share all that these young women have been through. Some are real heroes supporting families as a single mom, others are supporting habits that own them. In a way I was in awe of them but in many more ways I was grateful to have avoided many of the pitfalls they've encountered. Several of them are rather impressive with their athleticism.
My friend tells me my fiance and his party are here. They've been hazing the new guy all night and he's pretty tanked but he's holding up well even by their standards. We let them settle and get a drink in their hands when my friend whispers to one of them to send LB to the lounge for a special lap dance.
D'oh!
He won't budge. He says he's grateful but he promised the love of his life he would be a good boy.
Dude, just go! You're going to screw this all up.
No, he said he would behave himself.
I realize for the first time I am marrying the most loving and devoted dumbass ever.
My friend goes up to him and says its OK. He of course recognizes her and she promises him nothing will happen that will make me mad because she'll make sure of it. His buddies start chanting and he reluctantly goes.
My heart is pounding. I am sooooo scared. But I'm also determined to see this through. He sort of sits there nervously fidgeting as I wait for the next song to start, the song I requested.
The song starts slow and lilting but when the first hard riff rips across the club and I burst out from behind the curtain. His mouth--drops--open. Hips shaking and running my fingers through my hair I strut up to him wearing a nice little peach-colored (not that you could tell in the dark with all the neon and black lights) lace teddy cut high over the hips but plunging down the middle and practically nothing in back.
(This is the song:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HNcpasj__WY )
He lights up as surprise turns to excitement. He is absolutely grinning from ear to ear. The look on his face makes my inhibitions melt away. I'm dancing for him and he loves it because he loves me. I'm feeling even sexier now and I'm more than happy to show him what I've got.
By the time the song hits the guitar solo he grabs me and pulls me to the sofa with him. We're giggling and laughing and soon we're kissing. He says he wants me then and there. No way, that'd be too creepy. He points out that we probably wouldn't be the first people to have sex on that sofa and I tell him that just makes it creepier.
Besides, I tell him, he's not get laid again until we're properly married. He says I'm cruel. I laugh but I kiss him and we make out some more.
The next song to play is "Rock Me" by Great White and I go back to dancing for him as slow and sexy as the song demands. I'm a lot more confident by this time with the nighty on the floor, me in his lap and I've got LB totally spun-up. He tells me another minute of this and he won't be responsible for his actions. I giggle and give him one last quick kiss before putting my teddy back on.
Good thing too because less than a minute later his buddy pokes his head in the lounge telling him, "You promised you weren't gonna fuck that bitch."
But then he sees me sitting in LBs lap and recognizes me. He busts out laughing.
We joined his friends soon after that. I sat in his lap while we laughed and joked around and they paid my friend ungodly amounts of money to dance for them and make-out with one of her co-workers. They punched the new guy really hard when he said I was really hot and wanted to know if LBs fiance would mind I was sitting in his lap the whole night.
I could tell my friend was getting more and more buzzed as the night went on and she asked if I would mind her taking one of the guys home with her. I suggested she take the new guy because that would drive the others insane. She agreed he had the cutest smile and was for the most part acting like a gentleman.
About 2am me and LB made our way home and true to my word LB didn't get laid until we were married the next night though not from lack of trying on his part (longest 24 hours of my life. I sooooo wanted to fuck him stupid.). New Guy had a once in a lifetime fantasy fulfilled. Sure enough, we learned when we got back from our honeymoon 2 weeks later that the other guys were sick with envy and new guy caught a lot of extra push-ups for it but he had no problem rubbing their noses in it. She even let him keep her thongs from that night.
All did not end well though. One of them went home on his own and was pulled over for a DUI. The army doesn't take that very well and he's in for a lot of heartache.
All in all I love my husband and that night has given me so many great memories just like many DUers said it would. Thanks guys! You helped me find my courage and it was such an amazing night.
Thank-you.
EDITOR'S NOTE: No, you horny bastards, I don't have any photos for you.
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