Think I have had a life changing event occur

[NNN0LHI]

My father in-law passed away a few weeks ago. He was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer May 5th of this year and my wife never left his side once during the almost 4 months until he died. And he was a good guy too. I miss him.

Well, after the funeral I assumed I would have my wife back home again. I assumed incorrectly. My wife now will not leave her mothers side. Her mother has 4 daughters but she wants my wife with her now. I always knew my wife Sue was her mothers favorite, but never to this extent. Sue's mother doesn't want much to do with the other daughters now. She wants Sue with her all the time 24/7.

Way I look at this is Sue's mother gave her daughter to me to be my wife for the past almost 40 years, so its time to let her go back to her now that she is needed. Is that thinking right?

And no this wouldn't have worked in my 20's or 30's, but in my 50's its not such a big deal. If you know what I mean?

I sure do miss Sue though. Been married to her since I was 17 years old. One of the few smart decisions I have made in my life was getting married to her. She is everything to me. She is even my fishing buddy.

Anyone else ever went through something like this before?

Don

[blue neen]

1. Yes.

My husband basically let me go for the better part of two years (2005-2007) to care for my mom. She was dying from Parkinson's and heart disease.

Neither one of us have regretted that decision.

[trof]

2. You need your partner back.

Just MHO.
She at least needs to divide her time between the 'home fires' and her mom.
How far away does her mom live?

[Brickbat]

3. Oh, that's a hard one. You all are in my thoughts.

Have you and Sue had a good long talk about this? What does she think about all this? Maybe Sue's mom could move closer with you?

[LiberalAndProud]

4. I think you're doing the right thing.

Make sure that Sue knows how much you love her. Help her do what she feels she needs to do right now. I suspect she needs your strength, your understanding and your abiding love. Your unselfish attitude suits the circumstances perfectly.

Hugs and warm thoughts for both of you.

:hug:

[jobycom]

5. Her mother didn't give her to you, you know.

Sue chose to live with you. Right now she needs to be with her mother, probably for both of their sakes. So yes, you are thinking right in that she needs to take as long as she needs. If you put pressure on her, the best you'd accomplish would be to have her return to you feeling torn and battered. The worst is that she would refuse. So it's not really your choice, anyway, except in how you react to her choice.

There will come a time when you can start pressuring her, if it goes on that long, but honestly, it sounds like you're one of those cool guys who is already attuned to that type of thing, so you'll know it when and if the time arises.

Sorry about your loss. Good luck to both of you.

[hippywife]

6. Posts 4 & 5...

:thumbsup:


Maybe in the interim, while she feels the need to be with her mom, the two of you could set up a regular date night each week. That way someone else can come in and look after her mom, giving her a break (every caregiver needs some respite time), you get to see her and be there for her to talk to and to hold onto for a replenishment of strength and love that she needs right now. I hope she's close enough to be able to do this.

I wish you both strength through this whole situation. :hug:

[JanMichael]

7. You have got to be kidding. The woman has been your loyal wife for

FORTY YEARS??? and now that she has been to her folks for months....

OK.... I am not going to post what I am thinking.

Wait, yes I am.

Grow a pair, OK? Put on your big boy pants and suck it up for a little bit til your MIL and wife decide how to take care of this.

Jeeezzz

[hippywife]

9. Your level of compassion is stunningly

absent.

The guy is just needing to talk about what's going on in his life right now and asking if anyone else has experienced something similar.

Why the rude attitude?

[JanMichael]

10. Tough. He's acting like a baby. Besides, I have "known" him

on DU for the better part of a freaking decade; I assure you, he can take care of himself.

I think I've seen you around for awhile too ;)

If Don is venting, fine-- I am sure he'll let me know.

[NNN0LHI]

28. It is good to have known each other so long that we can be frank with each other

Not too many people can accomplish that on a Internet web site with its inherent limitations.

My older brother pretty much gave me the same advice as you did. He has been married and divorced 4 times and currently is not married. He has pretty much concluded that living with a couple of Labs is about the best he is ever going to do. Nothing the matter with that but I don't take him too seriously on these types of matters.

I am not going to ask you how many times you have been married because it is none of my damn business.

And I do like when people talk directly as you did without beating around the bush. You already knew that though.

Take care and see you later JanMichael.

Don

[JanMichael]

31. You too, Don!

Seriously, you are going to be fine...this is NOT worth losing a good wife, best friend and fishing partner over.

(married once...to ex-DUer, Thtwudbeme, Stephanie...she remembers you very well!)

[Monique1]

36. Grow Up

- you need some anger therapy.

[woo me with science]

25. Maybe if the OP ransacked a home, you would have more compassion. nt

[alphafemale]

8. Sounds like something that requires professional mental intervention to me.

No adult should cling to someone else 24/7 like that.

That sounds like a very unhealthy situation that is negatively impacting at least three people.

[LostinVA]

18. yup

[lukasahero]

32. His wife lost her father "a few weeks ago"

His wife's mother lost her husband (of how many years if Don is in his 50s?) "a few weeks ago".

Hell, when I lost my father, it took us two weeks just to get everything done and in order. Hospice offers counseling services for 13 months after a death. They expect it can take that long (at least) for people to come to terms with their grief and loss.

I hope you never have anyone tell you you're mentally ill if it takes you more than "a few weeks" to come to terms with the loss of a loved one.

[zanana1]

11. I think this information gives you valuable insight.

If your wife does this for her mother, you don't have to wonder what would happen if you became chronically ill;she'd be there for you. You married a comapassionate, caring woman. That makes you smart. You wanting her back makes you a good husband. I think that if you can see her through this, you have a very special marriage.

[tigereye]

15. this is such a nice post.

:thumbsup:

[Bucky]

12. Hang in there. I think a couple of weeks may be too soon to start drawing conclusions...

...about how your life is gonna go for the next 30-40 years.

On a larger view, I know what you mean by stuff not bothering me now compared to how I'd react 20 years ago. Some time after age 40, you learn to roll with the punches.

[kimi]

13. Sounds like there's been real trauma in the family

even when it's expected, death is a blow. Sue is obviously a loving compassionate caring woman, probably a big reason why you are with her, and have been for so long.

Tell her how you feel, take time to let her talk, and yes, date nights are good. But if she's not there for her mom during this time, it could damage her, and her psyche, for a long time. You don't want that. I think your MIL is blessed with Sue, and you are too. Sue is gonna be with you through thick and thin, if she can do this for her mom, you can have no doubt of that.

Take care. Hugs to you all.

[LaurenG]

14. I am so sorry this happened

my mother was the same way with my sister. This is not healthy for any of you and I hope you can find a way to help them to understand how potentially damaging this can be. If its possible find a therapist to help you through this. :hug:

[tigereye]

16. things are always challenging after someone was very ill and dies

Give her time. I think it will all work out well in the end. I am sorry for you folk's loss. :hug:

[mnhtnbb]

17. I have a friend whose father passed away from pancreatic cancer

in early June. He lived for almost a year with the diagnosis.

My friend, who has a brother and another sister, was with her dad as much as possible during that time.
In the last week, she was almost constantly there.

Her mother has been and was extremely abusive during that last time when my friend's father was alive.
She has tried to 'guilt' my friend into being with her exclusively, now that the father is gone.
My friend refuses to accept the guilt trip.

My friend is divorced and does not currently have a boyfriend.

Personally, it sounds as though an unhealthy situation has developed. Your mother in law needs
to have support from someone else other than your wife. She has also been through a very stressful
time and needs to have time to grieve on her own, without the stress of attending to her mother 24/7.

You need to have a heart to heart with your wife and find out what SHE needs. If she's the type
of person who puts everyone else first, she may be putting herself at risk for some sort of mental or physical breakdown if the stress doesn't lighten up soon.

You need to step up and help her--not just leave her in the situation with her mother.

[foxfeet]

19. Does your MIL have any health/mental health conditions of her own?

It's not uncommon for folks with Alzheimer's or other dementias to become clingy to one particular family member-- sometimes they lose memories of the other people in their lives. It is still very soon in the grief process to sort this out definitively. Others have given good advice. What does your wife want? Keep talking with her, because what she wants now may well change in the future. I would be concerned that she needs a break from caregiving, even if only a brief one. It would be helpful if her sisters (or other family members) could step in to provide respite care for her.

[Skittles]

20. your MIL needs a medical evaluation

this is not normal behavior

[LiberalAndProud]

21. Grief takes many forms.

I suppose you'd tell her to snap out of it.

If mother and daughter find comfort in each other's company for a time, I see nothing unusual or alarming. This is a new place for all concerned. A little time to adjust is not uncalled for.

I am frightened for my parents. They depend on each other so completely after 54 years together, that I'm certain that the one left will be devastated. I expect our lives to be upended by the event of one of my parents passing.

I'm surprised that so many here don't see it in terms of grief, but rather illness.

[Skittles]

22. grief is one thing

clinging to someone 24X7 for weeks on end is another - the other daughters need to pitch in

[struggle4progress]

23. If I were you (and I'm not), I wouldn't consider giving up my wife and good buddy,

though I might be very tolerant of some extended (but temporary) changes in arrangements

"I sure do miss Sue" -- well, if I were you (and I'm not) I'd make sure Sue heard something like that from time to time

[Kali]

24. seems like everybody has a good point here

I think a medical evaluation for MIL is a good idea just to rule out any problems, and I think you and your wife sound like good caring people - as long as she isn't under undue stress and you are ok with it, staying with mom through part of the grieving time is probably OK - you have to go by how your wife is feeling, I think.

If it starts feeling weird or if she is too stressed it might be time to step up an make sure everybody is behaving in a healthy way with some type of therapy...

[ThomasQED]

26. Can you be with your wife at her mom's house?

I know nothing of your situation or the distances involved, but seems like a compromise would be for you to go there part time so she can stay by her mom's side.

I would also be concerned about them clinging to each other so tightly and excluding the other daughters, but it's only been a few weeks.

Good luck.

[texanwitch]

27. Your wife will burn out quickly if she is the only caregvier, trust me.

That is a very tough job, I know because I have just been there.

I would check to see if there is a senior center or something near by.

Your wife will need a break no matter how much she loves her mother.

The other children need to help, she is their mother to.

[xchrom]

29. My mom and dad were married 67 years. They spent

A lot of time apart.

Mom caring for her sister's family - and my dad doted
On my mom.

So you're telling me a tale that sounds familiar and not at
All strange.

[theNotoriousP.I.G.]

30. My condolences for your loss Don

This post really hits home for me in a big way. I lost my husband in January of this year. My sister was here in two days (I live in Germany) and she stayed with me until last week. I needed her here. She missed her daughter's graduation from high school, she missed her dogs, other family and friends to stay here and help me cope.

Your mother in law probably doesn't even know what to do with herself now that her husband is gone. It's only been a few weeks and she is still reeling. Give her some more time if you can.

[lukasahero]

33. I lost my father last winter

to a very quick and aggressive cancer.

I never thought of myself as close to my mom (I was daddy's girl) but my sister has bailed and I've taken up the role of keeping my mom on track. I used to call her once every few weeks. Now I call every other day. Just to check in. To make sure she's ok. She's living on her own and accidents happen.

I stayed with her for a while after my dad passed. There are a lot of things that need to be done that are easier to face with someone by your side.

Give your wife a little more time. I assume you are talking to her. Talk to her about this, too. And trust that it will pass. She needs you as much as her mother needs her.

[Rabrrrrrr]

34. I stayed with my mom for a month after my dad died. That's not unusual or odd.

It gave us time to talk and be together, and she needed my help clearing up dad's estate and doing a bunch of other stuff. I was living in the middle of the Pacific Ocean at the time, so there was no chance of me ever being able to just pop over for a visit or help her on a weekend or something.

If it goes beyond a month or so, there might some issue at hand that will need some looking into, but if it's been "a few weeks", I wouldn't be too concerned. Especially if she lives far away.

Good for her for being willing to help her mother out and stay with her for a while, and for you for letting her do it.

As someone else said upthread, this could be a very good indicator that your wife will stick by you if you ever get sick.

[theNotoriousP.I.G.]

35. A lot of the responses in this thread are really upsetting

to me and I'm fighting the urge to respond to individual posters who show a complete lack of understanding about grief and have no idea how it feels to lose a spouse. It's been a few weeks for fucks sake. This woman just lost the most significant person in her life. Imagine yourself in her shoes. Imagine trying to sleep in the empty bed you shared with your spouse for 50 or more years. Imagine trying to fill your day and find a reason to be alive after devoting your life to a man you had 4 children with.

I'm trying to be nice here and not go for the throat but if you haven't lost a spouse and feel the need to tell people what they "should do or should feel" I have a hearty fuck off to share with you!

Left out an r...

[lukasahero]

38. ...

:hug:

[Mr. Ected]

37. Tread gently here

And maintain an honest dialogue with your wife throughout.

To aid her grieving mother is an act of compassion for which it would be improper for you to intervene.

But should this outlast its intention - and only you and your wife will recognize when that time comes - it will be incumbent upon your wife to ease away gradually from her mother and return to you, and strike that fine balance in the future.

In the meantime, she needs to remind her mother that she belongs with you, but wants to be available to her at all times for the time being to help her at an impossible time.

My heart goes out to you.

[Xipe Totec]

39. +1

Sage advice.