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Edited on Sun Sep-19-10 12:32 AM by MrsBrady
I find their problems are really not much different. (they've been divorced for years, not my point, here though)
The only thing I can do is love them, tell them I love them. Show them I love them, but I don't do anything for them that they can do for themselves.
I won't give my father money when he asks (yes, he's that kind of a drunk) And I will only go see my mother for a few days at a time (because I can't stand to see her eat and eat and eat and eat and eat (she's done this for years))
It is difficult to watch them destroy themselves. Sometimes I feel angry with them, sometimes I have pity for them.
What I do NOT do is tell them what to do, how to eat, or how to drink. I have said something to Mom, rarely, maybe just a handful of times in my life...to tell her how I (me, myself) FEEL about her eating. not what TO DO about her eating. Anything more would be an attempt to control her, and I would become a nag. It becomes easy for the addict to blame YOU if you nag them about their disorder.
It has to be on them. And at the end of the day, they are this way because on some level they think they are unlovable. The best thing I can do for them is to love them as they are, for that seems to be what they need.
Do I like it? Is it fair? Can I do anything about it for them? The answer to all of those is no. Is it difficult? You better FUCKING believe it is.
If you want to say something to him, do it with love...tell him how you feel, not what to do...but expect him to do nothing about it. Not that he can't....but that he may not. And you won't have any control over whether he decides to start taking care of himself. Also know this. If he does decide to take care of himself after you have told him how you feel, it still with have nothing to do with you.
on edit: never were two people so meant for each other, but they chose to avoid their problems and divorce instead of dealing with their shit.... and divorce they did, and they both never dealt with their shit...that's why they eat and drink to avoid avoid avoid avoid. it's taken me years to not hate them both. lots of steps and therapy.
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