20-somethings who won't leave home, how did you?

[travelingtypist]

One of my oldest friends has a 21-year-old and a 19-year-old who are showing no signs of wanting to pack up and leave home, live in an apartment with concrete-blocks/wood slats for bookshelves and stolen road signs and the kicking ass stereo system and fights over whose food was on what shelf in the fridge.

My friend is finally, finally, finally telling me -- I have no kids, never wanted any -- she's dreaming of an empty next and wanting to know what it will take for hers to fly away free and thinks that kicking them to the curb is a fab idea.

If you did it, how did you do it?

[suninvited]

1. I let mine stay home

as long as they wanted. I wasnt even ready when they were.

In todays economy it makes sense to split up the bills among the people living in the house and as long as you all get along, why not stay together?

[travelingtypist]

2. These kids aren't working.

They expect the same allowance they got when they were 16.

The boy child attacked the girl child, put his hand through a window, severing several tendons down to the bone. He's also had multiple car accidents, all out-of-pocket on the parents.

I don't at all feel sorry for the plus-$150K combined a year parents for their "expenses," but I've been trying in vain for years to convince Mom that fly away home should be her mantra. Now that it is, I'm not sure what to think.

[theNotoriousP.I.G.]

3. Hard situation

I'm not a parent but imagining myself as one, I'm sure kicking out my kids would be very difficult. That said, if I had an adult living in my house who was violent, my kid or not, they would find their belongings packed and on the porch. WHEN THEY GOT OUT OF JAIL.

I'd definitely give a realistic deadline to allow them a chance to find work and start saving money to move out. Once that deadline is reached, see ya kids.

[travelingtypist]

4. The violence stems from the dad.

When boy-child was 11 of so, I got a first-person's view of the abuse. It's freaking complicated, so to my outsider's view, Dad's getting back what he dished out to the boy child, in spades. But all I can do without ruffling Mom's feathers is to let her come to X conclusion in her own time, on her own terms, then give my thoughts as they range inside her viewpoint, nodding thoughtfully. I can't ever say well, I told you that three years go. That could be counterproductive.

[blueamy66]

10. Pack their shit

NOW

[Chan790]

5. Frankly...

if she doesn't want to fuck up their lives in some way, it's going to be hard to do. It's really less-viable now to do that "shitty living", that's what goes unsaid in these situations usually. High inflation, low wage growth, high educational expense and a lack of access to means of success has robbed your friend of the likelihood that she'd see an empty nest before they're 30 without some form of intervention. Anyone who tells you "But I did it when I was 19 is a blinkering moron living in a past age, citing no-longer-comparable achievable results for an uneducated underemployed young adult. I did it but only with heavy subsidization from my mother and a BA in Political Theory from a "Top-10 in the US" program in that field.)

Aside: Why are these two not in post-HS education of some sort? Not necessarily college (I think too many people go to college nowadays anyways.) but trade school or a job-training program, at least. (Specialized service non-manufacturing labor and healthcare is where the jobs are anyways.) She's really setting herself up for failure on this front by not making them go and by not paying for it. It's an investment in getting them out of her house. They can be trained home health aides or phlebotomists in as little as 6 weeks for under $2000. 18 months to be a CNA or 2 years to be a radiological tech, 2 more to be able to administer chemotherapy. (They make big money.) I watch the ads every day during lunch at the bank during Maury, read them in the local alt-weekly and the one for the radiologic tech/chemo-therapist runs constantly in the newsletter of my local teaching hospital. (It's their program and it's deep-discounted if you agree to work there post-graduation for a certain period of time or are a current employee. They have a lot of such programs...I've noticed they fill janitorial and orderly openings within 2 days. I think there is a correlation there.)

She can however improve her lot. Goading threats, mild unpleasantness and strategic thinking will get your friend's children (and these sound like children frankly, not young adults. The boy sounds like a reprobate to boot.) out of her house. How do you deal with kids like this? You tell them:

• You need to get a job, go to school in order to get job-training, or get the fuck out!
• You want a car, get a job! (If he complains after wrecking the car that he needs one to get around and get a job. Buy him a second-hand fixed-gear pink bicycle (and a rain poncho)...it did wonders for my brother. Bought himself a really-nice car (a late-model Chrysler Sebring) in 2 months flat.)
• Want money to go hang out with friends, do things, go to McD's? Get a job.
• Don't like what's for dinner? Get a job and buy your own food.
• Don't like my rules? Get the fuck out!

Then when they're employable, employed, mostly self-sufficient and making a livable wage? Kick them the hell out.

Also, tell him the next time he puts his hand through a window or hits someone, he's going to go live at the county jail until they arraign and release him. Next time he injures himself being angry and stupid, he can go sit for 4 hours in the waiting room of the med-help clinic on his own. Either will be a learning experience that won't be repeated. If they are, just boot him out...you can't help people who won't help themselves along the way.

[cleveramerican]

6. got to be out of the house between 8am and 5pm

no sitting around watching cable while you should be out looking for work, or working out, or something productive.

[hobbit709]

7. I left when I turned 18.

Couldn't handle putting up with an abusive alcoholic father any longer. All four of us moved out as soon as possible.

[LaurenG]

8. My daughter was anxious to move out. My son was anxious to stay.

He had a job, and a car that was paid for so one Saturday I went and found an apartment, went home, woke him up, took him to see it and he liked it so I put down the first, last and the deposit. We moved him in and gave him the start up items. My friends helped by donating sheets, an old toaster oven and microwave, and other stuff like that. He was a happy lad and I only saw him about twice a month when he came over to do laundry for the first 6 months or so and then after that only on Sundays for dinner, when he was free.

We have a great relationship and talk frequently though he lives in Colorado and I'm in Ohio.

[travelingtypist]

9. That's so fucking beautiful I'm having trouble stopping crying..

I want that for my friend. I just have to wait till she asks for it.

Thanks, mate.

[Kali]

11. good question

raised three, one is out of the house hustles housecleaning work wherever she can and has a part time regular restaurant job, the people she lives with provide transportation. she is seriously considering the military (one of the only options for kids around here) despite my biases against that choice.

two are at home still, one is working full time REALLY hard for shitty pay, using one of our vehicles. long hours but wasting a lot of money partying - he is getting a deadline to start saving for his own vehicle or get cut off (may happen naturally as the vehicles around here are pretty decrepit.

the third has become a real problem, being the main reason the second is partying so much and causing half the costs of it. I had such hopes that he would be the one to do something at a higher intellectual level, perhaps writing. I would do what I could to support a broke writer, musician, or artist child but not seeing any evidence of trying is disappointing. He is being required to do more manual labor and houseboy stuff around here, but it really isn't enough.

that is all traded off with the circumstances mentioned by Chan above. Shitty economy and very different times than when I first moved out of my parents house. Parents living (partly by choice, I'm not into consumer culture) at near poverty level lack of educational opportunities, poor choices in high school, etc etc. Add to the difficulties, living in a rural area.

me? I wanted out from about age 14, not sure why mine want to stay but admit I'm secretly kind of glad they don't seem to hate me as much as I hated living with my parents, particularly my father. It sure isn't comfortable luxury around here that they are "enjoying" :P

[PassingFair]

12. My parents raised the rent until it was cheaper for me to move out.

Well, as cheap.

Also, I wanted to have sleep-overs with boys,
and I couldn't do that at home, and they worried
and gave me dirty looks if I didn't come home
at night....

I KNEW it was time for me to "fly".