I need a shoulder right now

[hyphenate]

I have become car less. Or rather, van-less. It actually happened four years ago, as that is how long my car sat in the back yard with no attention at all. It had an oil leak, and it just sat. Now, a mechanic looked at it, and said, don't bother trying to fix it, it's not worth it.

Brake lines, rust, frozen, rotors, just about everything is gone. My beautiful Windstar will finish out its life in a junkyard, most likely, with no one but me to mourn its loss.

I no longer have any illusion of freedom. Before I got the verdict, I still had a vision in my brain of me getting my vehicle back, and getting to go places on my own again. That illusion is no longer there, replaced by yet another stumbling block in my already depressed mind.

Talk about isolation--I am glad I have here and FB to "meet" with people, because otherwise you might have been hearing about someone jumping off a bridge or whatever. I can't imagine being so alone that I could do that, even though the amount of contact I have with real people is decidedly low.

You know, poor people really do have it rough. There aren't the same opportunities for them (and me) that people a little higher on the social scale might have. There is little to secure for a loan, there is little return of income to even consider saving for a "big" purchase, and there is never enough for anything that could alleviate some financial woes.

There IS one thing, thankfully--as I am disabled, I am entitled to the "paratransit" service, which lets me get rides within the city to do things. However, the admonition is, that while I can effectively get around the city, I can't get anything that I can't carry on my own--a self-defeating clause that still leaves me stranded with no real way to get much, as I can barely carry my backpack! I use the privilege to get to and from doctor and hospital appointments, and that's about it.

Anyhow, forgive the "stream of consciousness" posting and the rambling. I'm still trying to comprehend this loss. I must have broken a whole bunch of mirrors, as 7 years seems to be just the tip of the iceberg for me. The bad luck just seems to stick to me like velcro. I wish there was something I could actually do, but there isn't, and I have to put this all into the pile that says "forget about it."

[CaliforniaPeggy]

1. My dear hyphenate...

I am so sorry to hear this. A vehicle is so much a part of us...like another limb or something.

I'm glad though that you felt able to reach out to us who care about what happens to you.

I am sorry that I have no ideas on how to really help. Maybe someone else will come along who can...

I hold you in my thoughts...

:hug:

[david13]

2. The answer is ... make friends. I have discovered in my fairly

long life, that, no matter how big my vehicles may be at the time, I always end up with something too big for me to transport.
As a result, I have made friends with people with trucks, or other vehicles.
I have used every form of transportation. And if I have to tote something bigger, I ask a friend.
dc

[LiberalAndProud]

3. Ah hyphenate ...

:hug:

You described your feelings about this so well. I know it's as much about the loss of self-sufficiency as the loss of the Windstar. Still, needing people isn't necessarily a bad thing, right?

I hope you can find some folks who would be happy to help when you need it. If I were close, I'd be volunteering in a heartbeat.

[MiddleFingerMom]

4. You may not like this, but I hope you read it all the way through.

.
.
.
I'm going to start out rough... you (and others) may gasp and cluck at first
.
.
It will get better.
.
.
You don't need to be searching for someone else's shoulder right now. You NEED
to go on a quest and find your backbone again. Like your van... you've put it out
in the backyard and let it lie dormant. Unlike your van, it CAN be fixed -- and
you'll need little or no help to do THAT.
.
.
This is not a sudden shock. You have been adapting to this reality for a long time --
at LEAST four years. "Illusion of freedom"? "Stumbling blocks?? "Isolation"? "Not the
same opportunities"?
.
.
You're wallowing in your misery -- and I'm not going to help you do that.
.
.
I've been in much the same boat as you for years now. Health concerns that help
keep me broke to the point of worrying about homelessness every 2-3 months. No
car. Isolation. Difficulty "shopping". Stumbling blocks. Anxiety. Frustration.
Depression.
.
.
But... BUT... one of the BEST things I have going for me is my perspective --
how I PERCEIVE my situation. I could sit around and think about how awful my
life is. It would be EASY. Been there done that. It's all about perspective. At
my worst times of hopelessness, I pictured a starving Ethiopian father walking
his children across 100 miles of wasteland to find help -- a bowl of damn rice...
KNOWING that he's going to lose most, if not ALL of them -- but TRYING...
DOING... MAKING HAPPEN whatever he can to change that for the better --
even if the "better" would be losing three children... but saving one.
.
.
My (and hopefully and more importantly, YOUR) situation seems just a LEETLE
TEENSY bit better than that, doesn't it?
.
.
You need to stop focusing on the negatives and sit down with pen and paper
and write down a list of positives. JUST from your post... here's what I see.
You've had a stable residence for at LEAST four years. You have SOME mobility.
You have access to a computer and you have the paratransit system. You also,
from your post, sound intelligent.
.
.
I've started your list for you. You're welcome. Now get to work on it yourself!!!
.
.
YOU can undoubtedly make a much BIGGER list. I wouldn't mind seeing you
post THAT for everyone -- "THINGS THAT ARE GOOD IN MY LIFE". You MIGHT
actually help someone who feels as you do (hopefully, as you DID once you
start climbing back out of your misery again).
.
.
I know about not being able to shop for necessities because of volume or
weight restrictions. I'm able to carry two bags of groceries, but buying
something like toilet paper takes up a good amount of the room in one of
those bags. If you had ANY idea that you could afford gas or insurance
or even just tags for that van, then you can put aside a dollar or two
here and there -- and call a cab to take you home from shopping for
what would be a treat -- shopping for larger items. Tip a dollar or two
and you'll find most cabbies will help you carry groceries at least TO
the house (hope you're not in NYC -- if so, forget what I just said).
.
.
Here's the most helpful thing I have for you. This worked for me quite a
few years ago when I was almost helpless and hopeless in MY wallowing.
.
.
GET OUT OF YOURSELF!!!!!!!!!!
.
.
What I did... broke as broke could be... was to start volunteering to
help others. You sound like you'd benefit volunteering at a physical
rehab hospital or VA hospital or nursing home -- even just READING
to someone who is TRULY restricted -- maybe in a bed for the rest
of their lives. Just visiting -- saying hello and smiling and LISTENING
to someone who is TRULY lonely and TRULY isolated and TRULY "hopeless".
.
Perspective. Maybe at your local Dem representative.'s office -- just
stuffing envelopes or answering a phone.
.
.
If and when you can get out of YOURSELF... and start getting into OTHERS --
watch how quickly you see how wrong you were about "no opportunities",
"no social interaction", "no hope".
.
.
Watch how quickly your interaction with others -- co-volunteers, clients,
patients, etc. -- provides you with a social life again... MAYBE, eventually,
with good friends you may make in your efforts.
.
.
Isolation? Stumbling blocks? Hopeless? No opportunities?
.
.
You need... you really NEED, cliched as it might be... to get over yourself --
get OUT OF yourself and maybe help others with the gifts -- YES, GIFTS
that you DO have.
.
.
There are volunteer hotlines all over -- sometimes local, sometimes national
that will direct you TO the local centers or opportunities.
.
.
I Googled "national volunteer opportunities".
.
.
Here's a promising start. You know how to go onward and upward from
this start.
.
http://www.volunteermatch.org/
.
.
Start off by forgetting about a shoulder... and finding that backbone
that is STILL there.
.
.
I promise. It is still there.
.
.
It really WOULD be nice to see your list of positive things in your life.
Take your time -- it might not be easy at first... but may snowball once
you get rolling. Post it for us, please.
.
.
We'll be here with a shoulder when it's helpful. Right now... I think it
would just prolong your "helplessness" -- maybe indefinitely.
.
.

[TrogL]

5. What year was it?

I had bad experiences with Windstars; blown head gaskets, failed transmissions, the works.

You may have saved yourself further heartache.

[mdmc]

6. hang in there my friend

find out what the closest thing you can walk to is.
then walk there..

peace and low stress..

[hippywife]

7. I'm so sorry you are feeling isolated and without options.

Even though you haven't the option of feeling self-sufficient in this area, I hope you have a support system of good friends and family to help you out when you need it. :hug:

[quakerboy]

8. Odd that

I know someone with an aerostar and impending doom as well. But she is the main source of transportation for several otherwise home bound disabled family members, as well as the local clan of emo children. And her car is still going, at last I heard, but now restricted from anything over a dozen miles or so.

I am sorry to hear of your plight.

Can I suggest a cart of some sort, perhaps? Ive seen several styles of smallish or collapsible carts in use that might allow for a greater use, but still reach your portability needs with the paratransit service?

[MiddleFingerMom]

9. GREAT advice...

.
.
.
.
.
.
...I had meant to come back and add that.
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.
.

[csziggy]

13. That is a great idea!

My sister found our Dad a really nice walker with a basket and a seat that folded down at a thrift shop. It even has a locking brake, which makes it a safer seat for when he needs to rest. It folds up so he can get it in and out of the car. The basket is big enough to get maybe two small bags of groceries in.

Walkers show up pretty regularly at the thrift stores and go for pretty cheap. The OP might be able to put their name on a list to be called if one comes in.

[Odin2005]

10. The lack of decent mass transit in this country is a fucking human rights violation.

Outside of the major cities in the Northeast, if you don't have a car, or if you are like me and can't drive, you are effectively a second-class citizen with limited opportunities for getting ahead.

[sohndrsmith]

11. damn... hyphenate - you are more than welcome to my (virtual, sorry...) shoulder

anytime....

Were I not so tired I would expound on how much I empathize, sympathize, relate to and understand exactly what you're talking about... but my brain won't comply with my wanting to offer tragic-comic camaraderie in the form of details.

All I can say is: Yes, being in limbo, being in survival mode (or worse - both at once) *SUCKS* out loud.

Please know I "get it" - even though my details are different in some ways... the feelings of isolating frustration and the sense that we are told repeatedly that there is ALWAYS some Norman Rockwellian solution "if we 'want' it", but that doesn't always seem to ring true and leaves those of us who can't find such solutions with feelings of guilt, inferiority and a huge case of the "phuck-its"

Yep, you do need, qualify for and deserve a shoulder, a hug, and the acknowledgment that you really do - and don't need to prove anything to anyone for it.


Big hugs to you, my friend....

[DebJ]

12. This always makes me feel better when I feel that way........

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s6DVEoJ5rmE

In case the link doesn't work, it's Rock Bottom by Wynona.

You're right: being poor stinks. Been there, done that, with 2 kids and a jerk of an ex and one kid handicapped, twenty years of it. Better now....just unemployed and afraid I'll end up there again.


Hugs to you though. You are not alone.

[hyphenate]

14. I wanted to thank everyone

for their shoulders. The fact is, the promise (in my mind, anyhow) that at some point I would be able to get the car fixed, and begin driving it again was what fueled me for the past few years. It meant I could come and go again, and I wouldn't have to depend on someone taking me places. But alas, it wasn't to be.

There is a finality now in the verdict that my means of transportation is no longer a consideration, and I can't get beyond that quite yet. Reality hasn't fully sunk (sank?) in yet.

I grew up in Boston. Transportation was so good I didn't get my license until I was in my mid 20s. There was always a trolley, a bus or a train running coveniently, and getting from one place to another was simple.

The worst part right now is that while I have a friend who will drive me places when he can, he tends to criticize any purchases that I make when he comes into a store with me, and I find it impossible to get anything I might want. I don't have the liberty to go shopping--or even window shopping--without a critic next to me! I've begun to buy more online, but there comes a time when you just want to touch something, feel its texture, pick up unexpected surprises, and engage my imagination. It's difficult to do when someone is watching everything you do.

Regardless, I should be grateful I have someone who us willing to take me places. Not everyone has that, I know. But it would sure have kept me mobile, and get me out of the house more often. As I've said before, there is a great deal of isolation when there isn't a support system surrounding you, and I've had to cancel so many outings that I was beginning to look forward to again, because there isn't any way to get there.

Gonna say goodnight.