So tell me a joke. The first one off the top of your head.

[applegrove]

[MiddleFingerMom]

1. What's brown and all sticky?

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A stick.
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[UndertheOcean]

2. why is six afraid of seven ? because seven eight nine.

....
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Read --> Seven "ate" nine

[nolabear]

3. What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in the middle of the ocean?

Bob.

[Capn Sunshine]

4. What do you call the same guy lying on your porch?

Matt

[nolabear]

5. And hanging on your wall?

Art.

[cherokeeprogressive]

23. Laying on a pile of leaves? Russell. n/t

[Turbineguy]

78. In Mick Jagger's hand

Mike

[Dr Morbius]

30. In a hole? PHIL. In a big pot? STU Under a car? JACK

Under your arm? CARY.

Oh, the list goes on a long time...

[piratefish08]

54. 2 guys hanging in your window

Kurt and Rod

[BlueJazz]

6. Jesus: Whoa Paul...I can see your house from up here!

[Yeshuah Ben Joseph]

84. Oh please....

that makes Me sound like Sarah Palin! :puke:

[MilesColtrane]

7. One day in the Arctic a young polar bear shuffles over to his mother and asks,...

"Momma, am I 100% polar bear?"

The mother polar bear looks kindly upon her son, smile wryly and says, "Yes, dear. I am 100% polar bear, and you father is 100% polar bear, so that make you 100% polar bear."

Intrigued, the mother polar bear inquires, "Why do you ask?".

The little polar bear replies, "Because I'm freezing my ASS off".

[kimmerspixelated]

42. HAHAHAHA !This one wins the contest IMHO

[wickerwoman]

8. What's red and sits in the corner?

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A naughty strawberry.

:P

You did ask for the first one.

[applegrove]

26. You must have some little ones in your life with a joke like that at the ready!

[kimmerspixelated]

43. HAHAHA!!!!! 2nd place winner IMHO

[KT2000]

9. Why did the $5 bill cross the road?

Because it was stuck to a chicken.

[yankeepants]

10. A skeleton walks into a bar

and orders a beer and a mop.

[Skittles]

31. dup

[rbnyc]

48. LOL!

I'm using that one.

[kedrys]

11. Did you hear about the guy who broke his leg on the golf course?

He fell off the ball washer.

[mwb970]

12. Q. Why is a mouse when it spins?

A. Because the higher the fewer!

[MilesColtrane]

16. I've heard a variation of that joke.

Except in this one the punchline is, "Here's another grapefruit!".

[mwb970]

24. Wow, that is even weirder! /nt

[madinmaryland]

13. Here's a favourite one of mine...

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

:D

[struggle4progress]

14. I don't get it

[xchrom]

15. gack!!! it's back!

:mad:

it's a joke earworm.

[sarge43]

22. It never goes away. n/t

[rbnyc]

49. I remember...

...when that first went around in the lounge.

[sarge43]

17. A lieutenant and a sergeant were out hunting in the woods.

They come to a clearing and standing there was a drop dead gorgeous woman, not a stitch on and she's giving the freedom fighters The Look.

The sergeant says, "Hey honey, you game?"

She answers, "Sure am."

The lieutenant shot her.

[Fire Walk With Me]

18. Steve Carell appears to have shown the inside of his ass to Congress.

I haven't seen the clip but I heard that he "entered" his colonoscopy video into evidence during his testimony. If he indeed showed the inside of his ass to Congress, it's one of the funniest things I've ever heard.

[JTG of the PRB]

28. I believe that was actually Stephen Colbert during his testimony a few weeks ago.

I suppose Steve Carell could have done it too, though.

[Fire Walk With Me]

35. Steven Colbert. See? I wasn't paying enough attention :(

:hi:

[Zorra]

19. You might be an extreme redneck if...

You let your 14 year old daughter smoke in front of her kids.

[rrneck]

71. Or if

your momma can cuss out a state trooper without taking the cigarette out of her mouth.

[foxfeet]

20. Why did Jesus die on the cross?

Because he forgot his safe word.

[Yeshuah Ben Joseph]

83. Alright enough already with the crucifixion jokes!

By the way, you know why I can't eat M&M's, right?

Yeah, because they fall through the holes in My hands. :(

[lazarus]

21. So a guy's in divorce court

and the judge says, "I've decided to give your wife $1,000 a month." The man says, "That's great, judge, I'll try to send her some cash on occasion myself!"

[BurtWorm]

46. I like the Myron Cohen used to tell that, with the little Yiddish accent.

"you know sumpn y'honor? You're a svell guy. Tell ya vot, I'll t'row another fifty in myself."

[jmowreader]

81. Divorce jokes? Okay...

Mickey Mouse was attempting to divorce Minnie Mouse. The judge told him, "I am denying your petition because we find no evidence of insanity."

Mickey looked at the judge: "Your Honor, I didn't say she was insane. I said she was fuckin' Goofy."

[sohndrsmith]

25. Friday the 13th falls on Wednesday this week!! (sorry...) n/t

[JTG of the PRB]

27. So this mushroom walks into a bar...

He walks up to the counter and takes a seat on an empty stool, and smiles at the bartender. "Hi there, I'd like a beer, please."

The bartender simply stood there looking at his new customer with a sour look on his face, arms folded across his chest. "We don't serve your kind in here."

The mushroom looked a bit confused at this. "Why not? Come on, I'm a fungi!"

:hide:

[frogmarch]

29. Joe Beasley

and his friend Ed are standing in a crowd at the Vatican, waiting for the Pope to appear on the balcony and deliver a prayer.

Joe says, "No matter where I am, or where I go, everyone knows me."

Ed says, "Is that so? I'll bet the Pope doesn't know you."

Joe replies, "I'll bet you $500 that he does. Give me a few minutes, and then look up at the balcony. You'll see the Pope and me standing there together."

Joe strides away.

Soon, two figures appear on the balcony.

Ed squints, but because they're so far away, he can't identify the figures.

He asks a man standing near him in the crowd, "Pardon me, sir, but can you tell me who the two people are on the balcony?"

The man replies, "I don't know who the son of a bitch is in the pointy hat, but the other guy is Joe Beasley."

[Skittles]

32. .

A man walks past his son's room and says, "Son, you'll go blind if you keep doing that." Son replies, "HEY DAD, I'M OVER HERE!" :D

[bif]

33. Why did the chicken cross the road?

To prove to the raccoon that it could be done.

[alphafemale]

52. According to Hemingway? To Die. In the rain. nt

[Deep13]

34. What's the last thing that goes through a bug's mind when it hits a windshield?

It's ass.

[Beer Snob-50]

36. what is soft adn furry and puts you to sleep?

the ether bunny

[Bennyboy]

37. Lady comes up and says "mirror mirror on the door...

Make my tits a 44..
POOF: all of a sudden she has huge boobs.

She says to her husband "you gotta try this"

So he says "mirror mirror on the door,
make my dick down to the floor"
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. and his legs fell off!

[KamaAina]

38. So a guy gets out of work and walks into a bar.

He's still got his hard hat, headlmap, etc. on.

The bartender says, "Sorry, sir, but we do not serve minors."

[SCantiGOP]

39. Horse walks into a bar

Bartender says, "Hey, why the long face?"

[TroglodyteScholar]

40. What's the first thing the cannibal did after dumping his girlfriend?

He wiped his ass.

[Bucky]

41. They polled a hundred men between the ages of 18 and 35 and 100% of them said...

"Ouch!"

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[kimmerspixelated]

44. What is the constipated accountant 's motto?

If you can't budget-work it out with a pencil!

[haele]

45. With what do you carry your bagette and cheese while in Paris?

The Lunchbag of Notre Dame...

Haele

[rbnyc]

47. 2 guys walked into a bar...

...which is kind of stupid 'cause you'd think the 2nd guy would've seen it coming.

[jobycom]

50. Man gets up one morning to go fishing.

It's raining. Man hooks his boat up, loads it with tackle and gear and fishing stuff, then looks at the sky and realizes his beautiful wife is waiting inside in their nice warm bed, and says "Fuck it." He unhooks the boat, unloads the tackle, dries off and crawls back up into bed.

"It's raining like crazy out there," he whispers in his wife's ear.

"Yeah, can you believe my idiot husband actually went fishing in that?"


------------

Sorry, you said first one I thought of, and that was the last one I heard today. :)

[alphafemale]

53. Wow much cleaner than the similar one i heard! (which of course follows)

Except it's hunting.

Hunter man wakes up his wife ro say that it's time to go hunting. She hears the rain and wind hitting the window.

"I don't want to go!" she sighs. "It sounds awful out there!"

"Then you remember our bargain...if you don't want to go it's 'sex my way!'"

"Oh okay. I'm not going out there."

3 minutes later.

Wife: Why are you going back to sleep?

"Screw it. Weather sucks. And the dog didn't want to go either."

[jobycom]

60. Speaking of hunting...

This woman thought her husband was cheating while pretending to go on a hunting trip. So the next trip she packs his clothes, kisses him goodbye, and waits.

He returns two days later. "How was the hunting?" she asks. "Great," he says, "but you forgot to pack my underwear."

"No I didn't," she says. "They were in your gun case."

[alphafemale]

65. good one!

[rbnyc]

51. A neutron walks into a bar and says, "How much for a drink?"

And the bartender says, "For you, no charge."

[Capn Sunshine]

55. so a dog walks in to a bar

and asked for a beer. With that a man at the bar said I don't want to drink at the same bar as this dog. The dog and the man got into a fight and the man shot the dog in the foot. With that the dog yelped out of the bar and down the street.

A week later the same dog walked into the same bar, this time he was wearing a black hat, a black vest, black chaps, black boots, a black gun belt with a pair of black colt .45's one on either side, and a black bandage around his sore foot. He goes up to the bar and says to the bar tender

"I'm looking for the man that shot my paw"

:hide:

[BlueIris]

56. What's on top of a house?

Woof, woof.

[Skip Intro]

57. Two muffins in an oven....

One says to the other, "man, it's hot in here."

The other one replies, "aaaaahhhhh, a talking muffin!"

[kimmerspixelated]

69. I like it! It's just weird and odd enuf for me.

[Manifestor_of_Light]

58. Two lions walk into a bar.....

One of them asks for a beer. The barmaid says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve lions."
So the lion jumps over the bar and eats her up.
Later, with his full tummy he gets sleepy. His friend the other lion says, "Maybe it was the bar bitch you ate."

(barbiturate--sleeping pill)

Yeah I know that is old.

[Patiod]

59. So my SO decided that we should just settle this O'Donnell

think once and for all, and just dunk her.

(he thought that up last night, and it's the first joke that came to my mind)

[ScreamingMeemie]

61. A guy walks in for a job interview...

The interviewer asks, "Whats the first thing you notice about me?"

The guy responds, "Why, You don't have any ears."

Interviewer: "Get out! Send in the next guy."

2nd guy walks in for his interview.

The interviewer asks, "Whats the first thing you notice about me?"

The guy responds, "Why, You don't have any ears."

Interviewer: "Get out! Send in the next guy."

This guy on the way out says to the 3rd guy "What ever you do, don't say anything about his not having any ears - He'll kick you right out."

3rd guy walks in for his interview.

The interviewer asks, "Whats the first thing you notice about me?"

The guy looks at the interviewer intently for a few seconds and responds, "Why, you wear contact lenses don't you."

The interviewer says, "That's impressive that you're so observant. How could you tell I wear contact lenses?"

3rd guy "Because you don't have any damn ears to hang glasses on."

[BlueCollar]

62. 13th marriage....

A lawyer got married to a woman who had previously been married 12 times.

On their wedding night, they settled into the bridal suite at their hotel. The bride said to her new groom "I am still a virgin."

This puzzled the groom, since after 12 marriages, he thought that at least one of her husbands would have been able to perform. He asked his new bride to explain the phenomenon.
She responded, "My first husband was a sales rep who spent the entire marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, how great it was going to be."

"My second husband was in software: he was never quite sure how it was supposed to function, but he promised he would send me documentation."

"My third husband was from Field Services and repeatedly said that everything was diagnostically OK, but couldn't get the system up."

"My fourth husband was in education, and you know the old saying: 'Those who can, do; those who can't, teach.' "

"My fifth husband was in telemarketing. He knew he had the order, but he wasn't quite sure when he was going to be able to deliver."

"My sixth husband was an engineer. He told me that he understood the basic process but needed three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method."

"My seventh husband did finance and administration. He knew how, but he just wasn't sure whether it was his job or not."

"My eighth husband worked in standards and regulations, and he told me that he met the minimum standards but regulations weren't clear on how to do it."

"My ninth husband was in marketing. Even though he had the product, he just wasn't sure how to position it."

"My tenth husband was a psychiatrist. All he ever wanted to do was talk about it."

"My eleventh husband was a gynecologist, and all he ever wanted to do was look at it."

"My twelfth husband was a stamp collector, and all he ever wanted to do was . . . God I miss him!”

She paused and smiled. “So now I've married you, and I'm really excited."

"Why is that?" asked the lawyer.

"Well, it should be obvious. You're a lawyer. I just know I'm going to get screwed this time!"

[Iggo]

63. Sorry I'm late.

I fell into the lens grinder and made a spectacle of myself.

("I got a million of 'em" -- Ralph Malph.)

[kimmerspixelated]

70. HEHEHEHEh!

[kath]

64. What do you call a cow with no legs?

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ground beef.

[kimmerspixelated]

68. Or, I don't know but it's not

Mar..vin

[Desert Sky]

66. How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two. But I'll be damned if I can figure out how they got in there!

[ScreamingMeemie]

67. rofl! Welcome to DU

[rrneck]

72. Bear and a rabbit taking a shit in the woods...

The bear says, "Say, uh, do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?"

The rabbit says, "Nah."

So the bear reaches down and wipes his ass with the rabbit.

[mopinko]

73. the buddhist walks up to the hot dog vendor and says

'make me one with everything'.






the buddhist give the vendor a fiver to pay for the dog, the vendor pockets it, goes on to the next customer. the buddhist says, where's my change? the vendor says 'change comes from within.'






sorry, it's my favorite joke.

[Dr Morbius]

74. If you're an American in the hallway and an American in the kitchen...

...what are you when you're in the bathroom?

European.

[Haole Girl]

75. What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it?

Nothing, it just let out a little whine.









Wine.... hee hee

(I konw, I learned it in 6th grade)
:hide:

[applegrove]

85. I remember that joke from public school. LOL!

[Rochester]

76. Did you hear the Lions couldn't get into their locker room at halftime last Sunday?

Someone painted a goal line in front of the door.

[Danmel]

77. What is the difference between heaven & hell

In heaven, the French are the chefs, the Germans are the mechanics and the British are the police.
In hell, the British are the chefs , the French
are the mechanics & the Germans are
the police.

[BurtWorm]

79. Old Sven is invited to give a talk to the ladies' auxiliary on veterans day

to help the ladies understand the meaning of being in a war. So he tells them about an experience he had as a pilot over the north Atlantiic.

"Ja, so I vas flying east under a great big t'underhead, ven I look up and see six fokkers come flying right out of the cloud. One o' dese fokkers gets right up next to me and I open fire and knock dat Fokker right out o' de sky."

"I think I should explain, ladies," the chairlady Mrs.Ollerud interrupts, "that the Germans had an aircraft that was called a Fokker."

"Oh, ja, dat's right," says Sven, "but dese fokkers was in Messerschmidts."

[jmowreader]

80. Two guys go hunting...

One of them shoots the other. He hauls the guy to the hospital.

The doctor comes out after four hours and tells the hunter, "I have good news and bad news."

"The good news is I saved your friend. He'll have to be in the hospital for six months, and then he'll need intensive therapy for three years after that, but he'll live.

"The bad news is, if you hadn't drawn and quartered him before you brought him in, I could have bandaged his flesh wound and released him."

[jmowreader]

82. Two old folks in the old folks home...

Old lady wants to buy a car. Old man tells her "get a new one. You always get fucked when you buy a used car."

She jumps up and grabs her hat.

"Great! Where's the used car lot?"

[Tikki]

86. Q: How many skateboarders does it take to screw in a light bulb?...

A: Two: one to screw the light bulb in and one to film it...



Tikki

[ChoralScholar]

87. "I used to work in a factory that made fire hydrants.

You couldn't park anywhere near the place."

[velvet]

88. one for the graphic designers

An RGB walks into a CMYK bar.
The bartender says "Hey, aren't you out of gamut?"

[UrbScotty]

89. What do you get when you cross an NFL quarterback with a woman in a meat dress?

Brady Gaga.

[mikeSchmuckabee]

90. Didja hear about the paranoid dyslexic?

He always felt like he was following someone.

[cherokeeprogressive]

91. The difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver...

Bad golfer sounds like this:

WHACK... Fuck!

Bad skydiver sounds like this:

FUCK... Whack!

[FloridaJudy]

92. Toilet stolen from police station!

Cops have nothing to go on.

[Evasporque]

93. Ole and Lena were on honeymoon....

They took a charter bus with a bunch of deer hunters to save money. On the way up north to the Honeymoon Resort outside of Ely, Ole kept trying to take liberties and consummate the marriage but Lena insisted they wait until they get up north.

Well they were riding sometime snuggling when the bus broke down and they had to wait three hours while some people went to get parts. The bus got underway and shortly had a flat tire and it looked like ti was going to be another long delay.

Ole asked again if they go do it. Lena shook her head and slapped his hand.

"Well we might as well go outside then." Ole Said.

Ole was out havin' a smoke and Lena went into the woods for a pee. After a few minutes she came running back to Ole and leaped on him and said

"Ole lets go out in the woods and get this marriage started started right NOW!"

Stammering Ole said

"Wow! Really? why? I thought you wanted to wait."

Lena said

"Ya see Ole, I was peeing on these leaves, ya know, behind a big spruce tree and I heard a guy from the bus say, If this goddamn bus doesn't get going soon the fucking season is going to be over."

[nolabear]

94. One of the angels in heaven finds a hot dog.

He's an ancient angel and has no idea what it is, so he goes to St. Peter and asks "St. Peter, do you know what this is?". St. Peter, who's also an old angel, says "I have no idea what it is, but let's go and ask the Virgin Mary. She knows everything." So they take the hot dog to the Virgin Mary and ask, "Holy Mother, do you know what this is?" "I'm not sure," she replies, "but if you put wings on it, it's a dead ringer for the Holy Spirit!"