Big time social dilemma here. HELP me...

[Bennyboy]

I just opened my facebook page and a friend posted this:

Does a girl ever lose her right to say no? I believe that "no means no" matters most in the heat of the moment, not just in polite conversation in a public setting. I'm appalled that so many of my "friends" seem to have excuses for a girl losing that right. It's making me not want to hang out in this social group anymore.

later after many posts from my friends (Some showing support for the accused) he posted this:

"Well, I'm going to call him out.... (NAMES THE PERSON) is nothing more than a complete douche bag..... I encourage all to defriend him immediately. If you want more info, PM me... this ass does not deserve to be in this social scene. Anyone who knows anything about this situation and wants to give him the benefit of the doubt can fuck off as far as I'm concerned.... that asshole should be in prison."

Now this person that is accused is one of my friends, albeit not one I do much hanging around with.. And this is all a bunch of people in my social circle. I have known the person being accused for 10 years or more and the person that is posting this for five or so. They both were friends. But something happened this weekend and I just found out about it.

I am going to find out more, but how do i approach the guy who is being accused when I see him next (and that will be about a month or so). How do I approach the girl that he did this too (I know her too). What is appropriate here?

[ThomasQED]

1. Well, that's going to get unpleasant.

Or more unpleasant, I should say.

I'm confused. Was the original post from a "girl" who said no? Who's the "he" who posted the guy's name?

Do you trust one over the other?

[Bennyboy]

2. No it was a friend of the girl...

who was apparently raped.

And the poster I know a bit but the accused I know well. But there has always been a sketch factor with him, especially around women. but it is always harmless flirtation usually. The girls seem to like it the way he plays with them. He does things to girls that I would enver ever do but I have asked some if they were bothered by his actions thaty all say "That is (Name) and he doesn't bother me"...but I find him at time creepy.

The real trouble is going to be his good friends who undoubtedly will stand behind him. They are my good friends and I have tons and tons of business dealings with all the time. Gonna be dicey, cuz now my little community is going to be taking sides and will be fractured.

[ThomasQED]

3. Now it sounds even worse.

Sorry you're going to be in the middle of this. If it were me I would try to stay neutral as long as possible, until there is more than "he said, she said".

If the girl was really raped, I hope she'll talk to the police. From your OP I didn't think it had gone that far.

I'd lay low for a while and see what happens.

[Bennyboy]

4. thanks..

I am leaving for South Carolina for 14 days, but then I have to go back and jump right in. I have no choice here in that, I will be right in the center due to biz things that need to be done right now...

I asked a couple of friends to write me some deets.

[ThomasQED]

5. Sorry I wasn't much help

It's a difficult situation.

Maybe while you are gone things will sort themselves out one way or another.

[Ineeda]

6. You KNOW what stand you must take...

From your own words: "always harmless flirtation usually" (What does always...usually mean?) "does things to girls that I would enver ever do" and "I find him at time creepy"

I would get more facts first, but this sounds like your friend raped a woman. In what possible scenario could this be okay? SILENCE IS CONSENT.

[zanana1]

8. You should speak up for what you know is right.

If he raped a girl, even if she seemed to go along with it at first then changed her mind, she DID say no. In my opinion you really have no choice. Sitting it out, in this case, would make you an enabler. Sorry.

[Lil Missy]

7. I would just respond that No means No, even when she changed her mind.

[Patiod]

9. You never know

One of my really good friends in college tried to rape me. The guy was funny, good-looking, and very well-liked, and he helped me get through a bout of depression after a bad breakup. One night he walked me home, and when we got back to the dorm, he pushed me down on the bed and got very physically aggressive very quickly. I told him to stop, then started crying, and he stopped and asked "what's wrong"?

"I don't want to - that's what's wrong - you know how messed up I am right now about men" and he stopped.

I was telling the story to a girlfriend, later, and SHE started crying: "He did the same thing to me, but he didn't stop."

Told another friend, and she said he had raped her roommate. Turns out the guy was a serial date-rapist (or "friend"-rapist), but all the girls thought no one would believe them, so no one did anything about it. I made a point, after that, not to let a mention of his name go by without saying "Sam is a rapist - seriously - he tried to rape me and he did rape two of my friends." I considered it a public service (it also helped that I was a self-confident Junior by then, and not a confused Freshman). It also helped that he hadn't gone through with it - I probably felt more comfortable speaking up compared to someone who had been much more violated.

The point being that this type of behavior SHOULD be outed to your social circle. The women in the group need to know that he pulls this kind of shit (although I'll bet some already do, and are just now finding out that they are not alone). I'd respect what you hear from your women friends, and beyond that, stay out of it as much as you can. It's between them and the guy (unless you want to weigh in and let him know what you think about that kind of behavior).

[Bennyboy]

10. More Deets..

The girl is a very good friend of mine. Someone I love and trust and she says it to be true so I gotta go with her.

Says this happened in August and she did not go to the police.

The whole big old network is totally up in arms over this. Lots of people are talking the rapists side on this. They are great friends of his and have biz dealings together.

This is really gonna be a huge weirdness the next time we all get together. Huge, the group is very tight knit and people are taking sides. I wish the victim had gone to the police, then we would have more than a "he said she said" situation going on.

Then i remember when my friend Carly got raped. The guy was around then too, and Carly, unwisely, did not report it or tell anyone who it was, she just up and left town.