Musician jokes

[KurtNYC]

How many guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: 10 -- one to do it and 9 to stand around saying "this guy sucks"

What is the best reason for an extended drum solo ?

A: it delays the start of the bass solo.

What did the Grateful Dead fans say when they ran out of drugs ?

A: This band sucks.

What do you call a guitarist who breaks up with his girlfriend ?

A: Homeless.

How is an orgasm like a drum solo?

A: You can tell it's coming but there's no way to stop it.

[Dr Morbius]

1. What do drummers and groupies have in common?

They both like to hang out with musicians.

[mulsh]

2. what is "counterpoint" ?

two guitarists reading from the same chart.


Mandolin -Italian for "can't be tuned".



I'm here all week, tip your waiters.

[rrneck]

3. How do you get a musician off your porch?

Pay him for the pizza.

[Xipe Totec]

4. PDQ Bach: "Erotica" Variations for Banned Instruments and Piano, S. 36EE

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AgjNwpYy5q0

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

5. More:

Q: What's the difference between an oboe and an onion?
A: No one cries when you chop up an oboe.

Q: What's the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get away from the bassoon recital.

Q: What is "perfect pitch?"
A: When you lob a clarinet into a toilet without hitting the rim.

Q: What's the definition of a nerd?
A: Someone who owns his own alto clarinet.

Q: What's the difference between a lawn mower and a soprano sax?
A: You can tune a lawn mower, and the neighbors are upset if you borrow a
lawn mower and don't return it.

[cbdo2007]

6. What was the last thing the drummer said before he was kicked out of the band?

"Hey guys, I've written some songs I think we should play."

ha hahahaha!!!

[AwakeAtLast]

7. I love this one:

The Mozart Effect: Makes a child smarter and more mathematical along with a higher IQ

The Haydn Effect: Child is witty and quick on his feet, quite often bringing a grin to the faces of those around him. Despite this he exhibits remarkable humility.

The Bach Effect: Child memorizes Scripture and says his prayers every day; may overwhelm listeners with his speech.

The Handel Effect: Much like the Bach Effect; in addition, the child may exhibit dramatic behavior.

The Beethoven Effect: Child develops a superiority complex and is prone to violent tantrums; is a perfectionist.

The Liszt Effect: Child speaks rapidly and extravagantly, but never really says anything important

The Bruckner Effect: Child speaks very slowly and repeats himself frequently. Gains a reputation for profundity.

The Grieg Effect: This child is quirky yet cheery. May be prone toward Norwegian folklore.

The Wagner Effect: Child becomes a megalomaniac. Speaks for six hours at a stretch.

The Schoenberg Effect: Child never repeats a word until he has used all the other words in his vocabulary. Sometimes talk backwards or upside-down. Eventually people stop listening to him. Child blames them for their inability to understand him.

The Ives Effect: Child develops a remarkable ability to carry on several separate conversations at once.

The Stravinsky Effect: Child is prone to savage, guttural and profane outbursts that lead to fighting and pandemonium in preschool.

The Shostakovich Effect: Child only expresses themselves in parent-approved ways.

The Cage Effect: Childs says exactly nothing for 4 minutes and 33 seconds. Preferred by 9 out of 10 classroom teachers.

The Glass Effect: Child repeats one word over, and over, and over, and over....

[Ron Green]

8. Q: How do you get a guitar player to turn down his volume?

A: Put some sheet music in front of him.

[Beaverhausen]

9. You might be too old to gig if:

You Might Be Too Old to Gig if ...

-- Before each gig, you find yourself warming up more parts of your body
than you use to play your instrument.

-- It becomes more important to find a place onstage for your box fan, than
your amp.

-- During the second set, you scream for the drummer to please stop hitting
those annoying cymbals.

-- You refuse to play out of tune.

-- Your gig clothes make you look like George Burns out for a round a golf.

-- Your fans have left by 10:30 p.m.

-- All you want from groupies is a foot massage.

-- You hire band members for their values instead of their talent.

-- Instead of a fifth piece, your band wants to spring for a roadie with the
extra money.

-- You've lost the directions to the gig.

-- Prepping for the gig involves plucking hair from your chin or nose.

-- Most of the hair you've plucked from your chin or nose is gray.

-- You need your glasses to see your amp settings.

-- You've thrown out your back jumping off the stage.

-- You're thrilled to have New Year's Eve off.

-- The waitress is your daughter.

-- You stop the set because your bottle of Ibuprofen fell behind the
speakers.

-- Most of your crowd just sways in their seats.

-- You find your drink tokens from last month's gig in your guitar case.

-- You no longer use a tip jar.

-- You refuse to play without earplugs.

-- You ask the club owner if you can start at 8:30 p.m. instead of 9:30 p.m

-- You want an opening act.

-- You check the TV schedule before booking a gig.

-- High notes make you cough.

-- Your gig stool has a back.

-- You're related to at least one other member of the band.

-- You need a nap before the gig.

-- You don't let anyone "sit in."

-- After the third set, you bug the club owner to let you quit early.

-- During the breaks, you now go to your van to lie down.

-- You prefer a music stand with a light.

-- You don't recover until Tuesday afternoon.

-- You can't operate without a set list.

-- You say you double on bass.

-- You discourage playing longer than contracted.

-- You finally learned 'Free Bird' because that's the only request you've
heard shouted-out for all these years.

[velvet]

10. Why do bands have roadies?

A. So there's someone who can communicate with the drummer.

How many roadies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. None. Roadies only screw in vomit.

[XemaSab]

11. What's the difference between a drummer and a pizza?

A pizza can feed a family of four.

[Bertha Venation]

12. here's one to pass on to child music students

What's the mucisian's motto for crossing the street?

See sharp or be flat.

:bounce:

[msu2ba]

13. Drummers

What does it mean when a drummer drools out of both sides of his mouth?

The stage is level.

[KamaAina]

14. Did you hear the one about the band who locked themselves out of their van?

It took them 45 minutes to get the drummer out! :P

[Doc_Technical]

15. Question to lead guitarist:

Q. What time does your band play?
A. About half a beat behind the drummer.

[Brother Buzz]

16. Musical Octopus

A guy goes into a bar with his pet octopus and says, "I bet $50.00 that no one here has a musical instrument that this octopus can't play."

The people in the bar look around and someone fetches out an old guitar. The octopus has a look, picks it up, tunes up the strings and starts playing. The octopus's owner pockets the fifty bucks.

Next guy comes up with a trumpet. The octopus takes the horn, loosens up the keys, licks it's lips and starts playing a fantastic jazz solo. The guy hands over another fifty bucks to the octopus's owner.

The bar owner has been watching all this and disappears out back, coming back a few moments later with a set of bagpipes under his arm. He puts them on the bar and says to the guy and his octopus, "Now, if your octopus can play that I'll give you a hundred dollars."

The octopus takes a look at the bagpipes, lifts them up, turns them over, has another look from another angle. Puzzled, the octopus' owner interrupts his pet's concentration, saying, "What are you messing around for? Hurry up and play it!" The octopus say's "Play it? Huh?!? I'm going to screw her as soon as I figure out how to get her out the pajamas!!!"..."

[jobycom]

17. There are three types of drummers

Those who can count, and those who can't.

[rocktivity]

18. Wht do drummers usually get on IQ tests?

Drool.


rocktivity

[BurtWorm]

19. If you drop an accordion, a glockenspiel and a bagpipe out a window, which hits the ground first?

Who cares?


What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat miner



(credit: my daughter the musician)

[KamaAina]

20. Aw, c'mon.

Accordions are essential to both zydeco and Tejano music.

[kwassa]

22. There used to be a popular bumper sticker

about 20 years ago when I lived in LA.

"Use an accordion, go to jail!"

this was before zydeco and tejano became more popular.

Best accordionist I've ever seen live: Flaco Jimenez.

[BurtWorm]

24. You'll have to take it up with the international musician joke committee.

:patriot:

I'm just a conduit.

[gmoney]

21. What do you call a pretty girl on the arm of a drummer?

A tattoo...

Amy's got a million of them, starting around 2:40... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7mO-KOhHUkw

[Manifestor_of_Light]

23. Time for the classical fiddlers to jump in:

I'm a violinist, so I get to tell viola jokes:

Q. What's the difference between a violin and a viola?

A. The viola burns longer.
B. The viola holds more beer.

What's the difference between a chain saw and a viola?
If you absolutely had to, you could use a chain saw in a string quartet.


How do you get a dozen violists to play in tune?

1. Shoot 11 of them.
2. Shoot all of them.
3. Who the hell wants a dozen violists?


A bass (singer, like Samuel Ramey or Bryn Terfel) joke:

In the last act of Don Giovanni, there is always a statue which is replaced at some point by a real singer, a bass (the Commendatore). How can you tell when the switch has occurred?
The "statue" starts looking a bit stiff.


"Never look at the trombones. It only encourages them." -- Richard Strauss, famous composer/conductor


Long time orchestra nerd here. :D Also a piano player.

[ChoralScholar]

25. What is the difference between a chainsaw a and a bari sax?

Vibrato.

---
Not really a joke but a one-liner:

Did you know that a clarinet case is a substitute for a handicap sticker in 38 states?

---

How many sopranos does it take to change a lightbulb?

One, They just grab the bulb and let the world revolve around them.

---

How many altos does it take to change a lightbulb?

Five, One to change the bulb, and four to say 'Isn't that a little high?

---

What's the difference between an alto and a tenor?

Tenors don't have hair on their back.

---

[frogmarch]

26. What is a gentleman?

Someone who can play the bagpipes, but doesn't.