Tell kids about deceased pets, or not?

[raccoon]

Let’s say you find a dead cat/dog in your neighborhood. It was your 6 year old child’s pet. Or, say, some neighbor told you s/he saw the dead pet.

Would you tell your child that the pet is dead, or just say you haven’t seen the pet?

[Rabrrrrrr]

1. Honesty is best - children need to learn about death, and learn not to be afraid of it.

We're so squeamish about death, it's sad.

[dropkickpa]

2. I've told Dropkid about all dead pets we've had

She's even seen their corpses. Guinea pigs and fish, so far. But she's no stranger to death, she's had 2 great grandmothers and a great grandfather die, and she knows the facts of life, so she's no bugged by death. She gets sad, yeah, but she understands it's something that happens.

[WillParkinson]

3. Definitely tell them...

We have to learn to handle death, and the life that came before it. Sugar coating it is not helping them deal at all.

Telling them that you haven't seen the pet will always leave them holding out hope and wondering about what happened. I think that's far worse than just owning up.

[Arkansas Granny]

4. Tell him/her the truth. It's terrible to wait for the return of a pet that will never come home.

When I was a little girl about 4 - 5 years old I had an old cat that I just loved. He was killed and my parents buried him and told me that he must have run away. I called him and looked for him for days before they finally told me what had really happened. I was still sad, but then I knew why he was gone and that he wasn't ever going to come back.

Another thing is that if the child finds out you lied to him/her, even if it was to spare their feelings, they are likely to wonder what else you've lied to them about. Honesty really is best.

[Gormy Cuss]

5. I'd tell the kid the truth unless the parents told me not to do so.

I think it's better for the kid in the long run to know that their pet isn't lost and afraid somewhere or held captive by an evil ogre or the like. At least knowing the pet died allows them to begin the grieving process.

However,if it weren't a child in my family I'd be inclined to tell the parents/guardians of the kid rather than telling the kid directly.

[lukasahero]

6. Not knowing is worse

Tell the child the pet has died or they will be tormented thinking the pet is lost, scared and alone...

[tigereye]

7. yeah, they should know - it's not cool when pets simply vanish and you have

no idea where they went.

[gvstn]

8. I agree with telling the child the pet is dead but...

I wonder if making up a bit of a white-lie story might make it easier on them? Something like Fluffy was hit by a car and taken to the vet but he was hurt too bad and the vet tried but couldn't save her.

It may seem like a pointless lie but "hit by a car" is pretty simple for a kid to understand because they know cars can be dangerous. And "the vet tried but couldn't save her" reassures them that someone tried to help the animal but also lets them know that sometimes vets/doctors can't fix things.

It wraps things up into a simple package rather than leaving it open for them to imagine what caused the animal's death and if something similar might happen to them.

I don't know if it is a good idea or a bad one. I'm just thinking the first question the child will ask is how did Fluffy die? Then did it hurt Fluffy? I guess it depends on how vivid the child's imagination is and how much it would bother you to hear the child repeat the "my cat Fluffy was hit by a car" lie in the future.

[csziggy]

18. That may make it a little easier at first but it can be hard later

My first dog was bitten by a cottonmouth snake and died an agonizing death. To spare me, Mom told me he was hit by a car and died instantly. Years later, Mom accidentally let the truth out and I learned my Foxy had a horrible death. It was almost as bad as hearing about his death the first time. At least I was old enough to understand why Mom had lied to me.

No matter what, I do think the child should be told that their pet has died.

[Dappleganger]

21. When we were kids, my sister and I found our 1st dog by the side of the road.

She had gotten loose and was hit by a car (at least they put her up near the sidewalk). The vision of that impacted me in such a way that I never ever let our dogs or cats loose outside for fear of that happening. So it can have a positive effect later on down the line.

[Lucian]

34. A white lie is still a lie.

Be honest and upfront about it. Kids need to learn about death sooner or later.

[sinkingfeeling]

9. Absolutely. Children need to learn that living things die.

[Lorien]

10. I found the neighbors 7 month old tuxedo kitten on the side of the road dead last

month. It just broke my heart to see poor "Billy Bones" laying there. He was so charming, fun and playful. I broke the news to my neighbor, but she asked me not to tell her young daughter (six or seven) because the girl's father had been in a serious car accident less than a year ago and she didn't think that the child could handle it. Now every time I bump into her daughter in the driveway she asks "Excuse me, have you seen Billy Bones? My kitty?" and I lie and say that I haven't seen him. I don't think that she believes me. She keeps putting "Lost Kitty" signs around the neighborhood. I have to respect her mother's wishes, but damn, it's hard!

[kimi]

11. Aw, that's a tough situation, I feel for ya

I feel for you, the kid, and the dilemma the mom felt. Wish that the family could have dealt with that differently, to be honest. The dad had a bad accident, but bad outcomes happen, and Billy Bones had the ultimate bad outcome. "Lost Kitty" signs are so sad, make me grateful that I keep my cats indoors, except for the feral, who I hope to eventually bring in.

[Brickbat]

12. Tell the truth. Why hide it?

[kimi]

13. I firmly believe in telling them

E-mailed my youngest son to tell him that his bunny died, this morning. When our old kitty died, at 17, 10 years ago, I was walking him to school the next morning and broke the news to him. He asked me if he could see her before she was taken to the crematorium. I really debated that, briefly. Then turned right around, and took him home so he could say good-bye to her. She'd been a part of his life, for as long as he could remember. He was late for school, but he's never forgotten that, he's told me since.

They need to know. I truly believe that.

[gvstn]

15. I think that last look is important

Especially since he asked. Good for you taking the time to understand his needs. :)

I still feel bad I was not allowed to go to the cemetery when my grandfather was buried. I went to the church funeral but wasn't allowed to go to the cemetery because I was too young (10 years old). Although, I know it's just a tiny service at the cemetery and you don't actually view the burial I still think I should have been allowed to go. One of those weird things(hurts)I remember from childhood.

[raccoon]

23. At that age, I think you should've been allowed to go too. nt

[Taverner]

14. Depends on the kid, the time in his or her life and which pet

really, no absolutes on this one

[Mojambo]

16. I got the "went to live on the farm" treatment

Although, since my first pet was an Alaskan Samoyed they told me he went to race in the dogsled circuit in Alaska.

I totally bought it. So much so that I didn't actually realize it was a lie until I was 19.

[GreenPartyVoter]

17. I would tell the truth. I had to tell them about their grandfather this past year, and their

grandma when they were just 4 and 6.

Life happens. Death happens. You can't shield them from everything sad, even though you wish you could. :(

[Dappleganger]

22. It's in a parent's nature to want to shield them...

we know that too well, right?

:hug:

[GreenPartyVoter]

27. *hugs*

[MrScorpio]

19. Yep, they're going to have to learn sometime about life and death

Seems like just about as good a time as any.

[Dappleganger]

20. In our experience honesty is best. Death is a part of the life cycle

and the sooner they learn how to deal with it the better. One day it's a beloved pet, the next day it's a beloved grandparent. All of it is natural and children learn so many tough lessons of life just by watching the natural life cycle of their pets. Of course the info you give them should be age appropriate, such as if a pet was tortured and killed and the child is 6, I probably would leave out that particular info. Give your child a chance to grieve, be angry, question God, etc. Support and validate any emotions he/she has and then help guide them to the next steps. Some parents rush out and buy a new pet to help them get through it and others (like us) tend to wait a while before getting another. Who's to say which way is best? You just do what feels right for your situation and for what is best for your child.

[Jennicut]

24. Yes, be honest with children. My 5 and 6 year olds just went to their great-Grandfather's funeral.

They handled it well and were able to say goodbye to Grandpa Benny. I think being honest is important to children and they do need to know that death does indeed happen, even to animals. My daughters already went through that with our cat who died two years ago.

[Deep13]

25. That's actually a good way to teach a kid about death.

It's a reality and they have to know about it. I'd rather they found out by a dead pet than by something more truamatic later on. Anyone can die at anytime.

[In_The_Wind]

26. Tell the child the truth.

There is no reason to prolong the pain of waiting your beloved pet to return.

Grieving is part of moving on.

[JCMach1]

28. Tell them for Pete's sake... I am the one who cried at Charlotte's Web!

Not them ... sigh

[Lydia Leftcoast]

29. I think parents who withhold the truth are sparing THEMSELVES, not the kid

Back in the 1950s, the nephew of one of my mother's friends died suddenly in a freak accident. He left a wife and a seven-year-old son. The mother decided that telling the boy that his father was dead would be "too hard," so she just told him that his father was away on a very long business trip. She also avoided showing any signs of grief in front of him and put on an over-the-top cheerful attitude.

The "don't upset the boy" approach appeared to be working, until one day, when the kid was in school, the class learned to sing "My Country 'Tis of Thee." When they got to the line about "Land where my fathers died," the boy ran out of the room sobbing.

The teacher followed him into the hall, where he revealed that he had figured out from various clues that his father was dead, but because everyone put on such a brave and cheerful face, he believed that nobody had loved his father but him and that everyone else was glad he was dead.

The teacher was appalled and phoned the mother to scold her for lying to her son about such an important matter. The mother was equally appalled when she realized what her deception had caused her son to believe.

I remember hearing this story when my mother's friend, the boy's great-aunt, told it to my parents.

[laundry_queen]

30. I'd say tell them.

But I'm not one to talk. We gave away one of our dogs because he was too aggressive with the kids. He went to a couple without kids, on a farm. They had him for over a year. My kids went to visit once in awhile, until we moved away. I recently found out they had him put down because he attacked someone. I haven't told my kids yet. They think he's still happy at the farm. :cry:

[seabeyond]

31. closure. absolutely. let them be sad, mourn loss, and be able to end, let it go. nt

[Inchworm]

32. Never tell them!

I wanted to be different.

I don't remember not being told or not telling, myself.

:hug:

[miscsoc]

33. Better to learn about death from some adults who can explain it in a sensitive way

Than have it hidden from you and then be confronted with the reality of the thing suddenly and without preparation, which is what will inevitably happen.

I remember when I became aware that I and everyone I knew was going to die. It was when Freddie Mercury died - I asked my Dad about it when it came up on the TV news and he explained it to me. Must have been five or so.