Hmmmm, the GF is going baby-crazy

[HEyHEY]

I'm planning on having kids with the woman, but like in a couple years. But, it's all she talks about now, and when she talks about it she has a crazy obsessed gleam in her eye. It's kinda getting annoying cause it's pressuring me to do something I ain't ready for. When I tell her we'll have to wait til 2012 she gets all sad. But, I just don't have the money to raise a family now. And she's never even met my parents! Anyone have advice on how to cool her heels. She's 32, which is why I think she's full steam. Is there no going back?

[MilesColtrane]

1. Deny her your life essence.

[flying rabbit]

2. +1

best answer

[Heidi]

3. Follow MilesColtrane's advice.

Diligently. Religiously. Without fail, until you're ready to start a family. Don't let _anyone_ pressure you into bringing a child into the world before you're ready.

ETA: If you tell this young woman you're not ready and she continues to pressure you, you may not be the one for her and/or she may not be the one for you.

[Flaxbee]

25. Heidi's right

This is a child we're talking about, not new furniture. And if you let yourself be pressured into having a child when you aren't ready, you may end up resenting the hell out of your girlfriend and the child. No child deserves that.


Kids are special, unique, and need enormous amounts of love and attention and time and money. Far, far too many people (in my opinion) treat having a baby the same way they treat other biological urges like eating, crapping or sleeping - as if there are hardly any consequences and it's just an everyday thing. It is not, and shouldn't be treated as such. People need to put a lot more thought into having children, not just say 'oopsie, pregnant!'


Tell her to back the hell off. If my boyfriend were pressuring me to have a baby and wouldn't respect my feeling that I wasn't ready, I'd tell him to either learn to respect me, or get lost.

[woo me with science]

4. Puppy time? nt

[madmax]

35. LOL!! nt

[meow2u3]

5. Would this answer your question?

Hickory dickory dock
Her biological clock
Is winding on down
At the speed of sound
Hickory dickory dock

:rofl: :rofl:

[seabeyond]

6. it is at the least as big a deal to her, as your position to you. seeing it in that manner may help

i understand you are being understanding, but you are not being understanding either. for a lot of women, having children is the huge thing in life. a must. if she was in her twenties, you would sound very reasonable. her being 32 and you suggesting two more years really is a big deal to her.

i had first at 32 and second at 36. 36 is old. women have children later, but it is old. old for the father, old for the mother raising the kids. you may not get it now, cause you arent old. but trust others on it that are there.

there are huge advantages to being older and having kids. and there are disadvantages. but asking two more years, and the time it takes to cook a baby, ect....

i am just saying. you are asking a lot of her. i understand her position. time slips by and a woman does without, it is looking back and seeing a misopportunity to do something huge in life.... that, i would never want it to happen.

best with you all in this decision.

i hear where you are coming from, yet understand your gf.

[Maine-ah]

15. had my first at 32.

I'm 36 now. I only have one. That's all there is going to be. 36 is too old lol, I have a hard time keeping up with an almost four year old. I don't want to play baby all over again.

[seabeyond]

18. both of mine were ooopses. the only way to have. if i waited for when we were ready

probably never had gotten on it.

i am so happy it turned out as it did though. works for us.

like a poster said, if you are waiting for financial security, it may never happen.

[HEyHEY]

34. Yeah, I'm trying to find a way to

keep her happy until I can sort my finances out. The biggest thing is we're in China and if she gets pregnant I want to be able to afford to send her to a proper hospital and get her regular checkups and such. One good western hospital here has a package that is 30,000 kuai, that's more than 5,000 US and I just don't have that money. I was unemployed for four months this year. And I'll be damned if my kid and pregnant sweetie are going to go to a regular Chinese hospital. I'm a better doctor than most of those guys!

[seabeyond]

42. i see

thanks for clarifying a bet more....

i hear ya

and you are seeing. that is always good.

best to yawl

[alphafemale]

7. You'll never have "enough" money to start a family

But people everywhere have almost always found a way to make it work.

And to be honest, most of the time you're too tired to care that you're not getting to go out as much anymore and besides you no longer own any shirts without spit-up stains to wear out to a fancy place anyway.

[RandomThoughts]

9. I understand that comment.

LOL

On a side note, the reason I am not going outside as much, is because of free will decisions of unjust people, and the actions they did years ago wrongly.

And they will pay what is due to me. And until they pay the beer and travel money and many experiences, I will spend my time finding beautiful things where ever I am :)

:shrug:

And I have lots of shirts :)


An entire Wardrobe of shirts :)

[tigereye]

11. he he!

:rofl:


Seriously though, no one should have a kid if they aren't ready. Just not a good idea, and bound to cause resentment and confusion. And not fair to baby, either.

[PeaceNikki]

8. If you aren't emotionally ready, don't. Just don't.

You already know that. I am just validating your feelings.

[Rabrrrrrr]

10. I'll say this - all birth control is now your responsibility.

A friend got suckerpunched by a baby-mad harpy who promised that she'd stay on the pill until they both decided to have children.

[Haole Girl]

12. Listen to your inner voice, as they say.

It's telling you something.

[Bunny]

13. The instinct to have a child can be a very powerful urge.

And, at 32, it may really feel like crunch time to your girlfriend. Especially if she's thinking she may want more than one. (Are you allowed more than one child in China? I don't know if that's still in effect or not.)

But if you aren't ready, under NO circumstances should you agree to this. Stand your ground, even if it results in the breakup of your relationship. Having a child is one of those things that can't be compromised on - both people have to be open and ready for it at the same time, or it's not going to work out.

And, as someone else mentioned, you're now responsible for birth control.

[NewJeffCT]

16. The one child policy is still in effect

However, there are exceptions - if you live in rural areas and your first child is a daughter, you can then try for a second child. And, to many couples in China's growing middle class and upper middle class, the monetary fine for having a second child is not a huge expense for them.

[HEyHEY]

45. I'm a foreigner, her and I can have as many as we want

[HEyHEY]

I've always been responsible for that

She's too shy to buy any.

[Demoiselle]

14. I understand caution in these matters and the need to be responsible, but..

it seems to me that many of you equate having a child with contracting a fatal disease.
It ain't the same, ya know. Lots of joy and fulfillment attached to the vomit and poop.
Really.

[grasswire]

17. Is her family pressuring her?

And if so, is there a cultural background driving that? Have you met her parents?

I've seen couples break up because of this, and it is truly sad when they really love each other but can't come to terms.

[Arugula Latte]

19. If you really do intend to make babies, don't wait forever.

A lot of people think there is unlimited time, but there is not. I had a goal of having two children before age 35. I had my first at a few days into 31 and my second at age 34, and I am so very glad and relieved I was able to do that. I know several people who waited longer (late 30s) who had fertility problems.

[theNotoriousP.I.G.]

20. 32 is old and reason for full steam ahead on the rug rats?

Real eye opener here, this thread!

Hey, HEyHEY, I think you should wait to have kids with the woman until you can call her something other than "the woman" or "the girlfriend."

Until then, you know the score. And remember, no birth control is 100 percent effective except ABSTINENCE. Sorry bub!

[Arugula Latte]

22. I didn't say "old"

but, it's true that when it comes to baby making, it gets harder and harder as people get into their mid-30s and late 30s. That's a fact.

[JCMach1]

21. If money's the issue, you'll never have a kid...

U guys aren't getting younger...

If it is that important to her, it might be a deal breaker...

[XemaSab]

23. I think it's time to put a ring on it

Part of this might be her telling you that if you're not going to give her babies, then she's going to go find someone who will.

If the clock is ticking, she doesn't want to waste her time.

[seabeyond]

24. and that is the meat of it. too important. he doesnt want kids, let her go

cause if kids are important to her, it is too wrong to string along. 32 is getting there.

[Withywindle]

37. +1000!

And rightly so - if her priorities are that different, it might really be time to "shit or get off the pot."


I say this as a 41-year-old woman who never wanted kids and has no regrets about her waning fertility. (I wish my cat's vet would be willing to spay me for the same price!)

But if I HAD ever wanted children, I would definitely have been getting worried by the time I was 32, and I'd have been grilling my partner about his intentions.

She still has a few years to go before she really has to start worrying about things like increased risk of Downs syndrome and maternal fatalities....but only a very few years. A single-digit number of years.

[jmowreader]

26. I recommend a serious soul search

You really need to decide if this is the right woman for you. If she's pushing that hard for you to have a kid you're not ready for, what ELSE is she going to come up with?

"I don't like your parents. I want to move somewhere else."

"I don't like your beer buddies. Get rid of them."

"I don't like your job. Go get a new one."

"I threw away your Frank Zappa albums because they'll warp the baby's fragile little mind."

[Arugula Latte]

33. On the other hand, she needs to know if he really does want kids.

If he strings her along for a few years and then says, "Eh, I don't really want 'em, after all," she's screwed. She should know now so she can move on if necessary.

[jmowreader]

38. This is also true.

[Manifestor_of_Light]

27. Dude, you need to have THE TALK.

If she wants kids that badly she will regret not having them. At 32 her time is starting to run out. If you don't want them now, it's a deal breaker. You better discuss if it would be better for her to find someone else to have kids with.

There are some men that want to tie women down with kids. Then there are others who only see dollar signs, and do not want kids, whether they can afford them or not, because they think a kid is a millstone and do not see the joy that kids can bring.

If you can't afford it now, you better have that talk and break up with her.

[RadiationTherapy]

28. Control freak. You are going to get your ass dumped.

"I'm planning on having kids with the woman" It is all about you. It's fine, I guess, as long as she doesn't see it that way; but if she does...

[HEyHEY]

29. I'm a "control freak" because I have reservations about having kids

In a foreign country with little money in the bank? Up yours.

[madmax]

36. +1 you make perfect sense to me.

I had my one and only at 22. All my friends had theirs in their late 30's. I wish I had waited, then again if I knew then what I know now I would have raised Yorkshire Terriers. :hug:

[marzipanni]

41. Heh-I had my one and only at nearly 44.

It seemed that most women where I used to live had their babies in their thirties, but we moved to a smaller town where most moms of kids my son's age (just turned 16) were being born in the years my husband and I graduated from high school. I could be their mom if I had gotten pregnant at 16!
You wish you had waited, I probably would have chosen to have my child when I was in my thirties, but I'm glad that I had him, and he and I had no problems due to my age.
My other kid is a Border Collie. ;)

[madmax]

46. If we can't 4 legged kids

I've had 4 and they've all been Yorkies. Maxx2 is 3 y.o and I want to have 'another baby.'

There are pros and cons about when one has a child. I don't completely regret it but, I could have done a better job with more time to establish a job and make a secure future for him. His father who I divorced after 3 years of marriage was a loser loser. I remarried when my son was 12 and we're good. Now I'm a 2x Grammy and love spoiling them.

Comes down to - choice. And if you don't have a choice you just do the best you can. :hug:

[RadiationTherapy]

39. No, because the situation you describe tends to stem from lack of communication

which can be due to one party having plans and expecting the other to just go along with them. I am not saying you should change your plans, but I do think it should be an ongoing dialogue. If she is as dismissive of your feelings without explanation, then she is a controller as well.

[HEyHEY]

43. It's just two people with different ideas.

I think she's just excited and I'm being more practical. When we talk about this I can usually get her to see the more sensible side of it and she agrees. But, some days it's just over the top baby madness.

[LoZoccolo]

47. Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait.

A woman's choice to have or not have children is usually held to be non-negotiable by probably most of DU, correct?

[travelingtypist]

30. Dump her. Run, don't walk.

"Crazy, obsessed gleam"? Are you kidding?

If you give in on this, or the inevitable contraception malfunction occurs, it won't be her fault, you understand, but it will happen, you're going to always be "compromising" with her, basically ending up henpecked and/or p-whipped.

I'm am "old hag" of 46, BTW, and I was relieved when those years of having the option were behind me.

[HEyHEY]

31. No way

I love the girl, just not ready for the kid thing now. I mean, if she got preggers now it'd be early, but it wouldn't be a disaster. She's not really bossy about it at all, just really pressuring. Mentions it alot and asks "what do you think our kids would look like?" To which I respond "Poor"

[travelingtypist]

32. Congratulations, Pa!

Good luck to you.

[WinkyDink]

40. Not to be old-fashioned, but you posted, so: Marriage?

P.S. You'll be "ready" when you say "child" and not "kid."

[HEyHEY]

44. Haha

Yeah, we'll be getting married. I just can't afford a ring at the moment. As I said, I was unemployed for four months this year and I'm just getting over that now. But, that's the other thing, she hasn't met my parents or anything.

Is it so wrong to just want to do things in the old-school order?

[kimi]

48. Not at all, IMO, if I may butt in

Tradition has it's place, of course it does. And knowing the parents are a part of that, if it's important to both of you, and it's sort of nice to see that it does, really.

But too, understand that it's not just "baby madness". Women do have a biological clock, it's not just a popular phrase. Men have been known to father healthy children far later than women can deliver healthy children. Yes, health habits, decreased motility and decreased potency have an effect, but there IS a difference between the fertility of men and women.

I really hope you two can work this out. Sounds like you both want the same thing, just probably different timing values. And sounds like you care deeply about each other. Best of luck.

[YellowRubberDuckie]

49. They aren't kidding about the biological clock.

I am 31, and I've never really been that gung ho about having my own kids. But all of a sudden, I'm dreaming constantly about having babies and being pregnant. It is weird.
Duckie