Need advice

[tabbycat31]

I don't normally like to ask for advice but I'm in a complete state of confusion right now.

This last election season I worked on a campaign. I had the time of my life and would do it again, but it was really hard for me to be so far away (700 miles) from home. My friends have not been the same to me since I came back except for one. He called me more often than anyone else besides my parents while on the trail and has seen me more often than any of my other friends when I came home (we met about a month before I left). I think he likes me as more than a friend (the vibes were there and he introduced me to his mom last time we saw each other-- the day before Thanksgiving). Of course me being the naive moron that I am I failed to see this until after I dropped him off. I've since all but fallen for him but have not heard from him since (which is not like him). I sent him a Facebook invite to a party that I'm attending Sunday and he has not responded to it. I'm getting ready to call or text him but I'm at a loss of what to say-- it's almost like he's fallen off the face of the earth. At what point do I call or text him and WTF do I say? (Writing a 3 sentence message on this fb invite took me about 24 hours). I'm way too shy to ask someone out. I've grown to really like him and I don't want to blow my chances on someone who I have a chance with (I have a history of blowing my chances with men.

Which brings me to the next thing I'm confused about. I'm applying for another job, again which would bring me far away from home. The job would do wonders for my career and make me very sought after, but I'm just very skeptical going away again when I've only been home a month. If my friends all but abandoned me when I was away last time, I feel like the life I've built for myself here would crumble. I always thought I would get a local race here but this position is much more lucrative and prestigious than a national one. I'm qualified and have the connections where I would get a pretty good shot at it. If I take it I could get anything I wanted in 2012.

If you read this far I give you 10 points. In my situation what would you do about the guy (even if we just remain friends I do want to talk to him again) and the job.

[Angry Dragon]

1. I have found that being as honest as one can be is the best route

There are a lot less regrets if things do not work.
And if things do start to work, you do not have to change who you are then.

[pacalo]

2. It sounds like you're quite accomplished, & as you mentioned, you've got connections.

So I'm puzzled about how an accomplished person could be too shy to call this friend. Be assertive & call him! I hope it turns out well for you -- good luck!

:hug:

[tabbycat31]

4. 2 weeks ago I would have no problem calling him out of the blue

But I've since fallen for him and I've got such a horrible history when it comes to romantic relationships and I've blown it way too many times before. I also don't want the worst to happen and lose him as a friend as well. I really want him to come to this party with me on Sunday (it's an hour's drive and I already told him that I would drive).

What should I say to him if I call him (I'm tempted to text him first at this point).

[pacalo]

9. Just be forthright with him: I was afraid to call you because I didn't get a good vibe

when I talked to you last, but I just had to call to find out for sure."

If he seems positive toward you, then tell him you really wanted him to go with you to the party.

If your past relationships didn't work out, maybe it was only because they weren't "the" one. When you find the right guy, you'll know it. I knew my husband was the one for me because I was so fiercely independent when I met him, but I enjoyed talking to him & being with him that the time just flew by & I didn't want him to leave.

Good luck!

[siligut]

3. Go for the job

It seems the friends you do have (the way you described them) are not something to hold yourself back for. How did you like his mother? I don't want to put doubt in your mind, but he stopped communications after you met her. But my suggestion would be to call him, you are friends after all.

[tabbycat31]

5. I thought his mother was sweet

She had some good conversations with me, and knew that I was out of state working on a race. We had a great time and were out until dawn the next day (we saw his mother early in the night). I should have taken him up on his offer to spend the (short short) night at his place but I had to get home and get some side dishes ready for Thanksgiving at my parents house.

DO you think his mother could have said something to him about me?


I'm definitely applying for the job.

[siligut]

6. That is what I am asking you

If his mother might have said something. However, I did not want to get your mind churning around that. Please, do yourself a favor and contact him, text or call. He may just be very busy, but thinking about you and will welcome the contact. Good about the job!

[siligut]

7. I forgot to add what you can say

I am getting your anxiety in this now. Really, just ask him if he will attend the party with you. Tell him he will enjoy the people and will have a good time.

[SwampG8r]

8. ma'am let an old man clear up some things

i am reaching my elder days and things are focusing for me
men as a group are stupid in social situations
if we are what would be called "nice" or "sweet" then we are stupid in romantic situations
we dont get hints
we dont read vibes
in general we really appreciate it when others make themselves clear
if you want to spend time with him you will have to get him to realize it
he will be surprised if he is a good guy
we good guys never really think the girl is interested in us
i would give you my case in example 35 years with her
she had to tell me "hey stupid im hitting on you!"

now as to the job i also see back to what was the right thing to do and i say grab the money
squeeze it fondle it save it whatever
but get every penny you can

[Capn Sunshine]

11. Right on, old dude

Dudes are like, clueless. I might also add that friends are worthless if they forget about you just because you left town. Make friends wherever you are. Think back to your childhood. You just basically say, hey, I like you wanna be friends? ( in Facebookese: "wanna hang?") The true friends will be there when you get back. If ever.

[SwampG8r]

13. if i had a dollar for every girl who someone later told me was interested

id have like 8 bucks

[Chan790]

16. I'd have enough to buy you a case of beer.

I don't need a case of beer, I no longer drink.

[Capn Sunshine]

12. Right on, old dude

Dudes are like, clueless. I might also add that friends are worthless if they forget about you just because you left town. Make friends wherever you are. Think back to your childhood. You just basically say, hey, I like you wanna be friends? ( in Facebookese: "wanna hang?") The true friends will be there when you get back. If ever.

[NewJeffCT]

22. excellent advice old man - I would agree

We men sometimes need to be told directly about things.

[kimi]

10. I have no advice whatsoever

But I look forward to hearing about whatever happens. I'm totally clueless about guys too. How much attention is too much, and at what point do they run the other way, etc etc. :shrug:

The job situation - if it were me, I'd go for it, frankly. It's gonna be scary, but you'll build confidence in it, and it'll enhance your career, sounds like. If friends abandon you for improving your life, then they aren't really such great friends to begin with. But that's easy for me to say - it's your call, in the end.

Take care, and good luck! Let us know what happens! :hi:

[siligut]

14. I second this! Please let us know how it goes.

Good luck and stay positive. :)

[Chan790]

15. Okay.

1.) I'd guess the guy took what in his mind was his best shot what-with the mom introduction and when you didn't bite...he cut bait. (Sorry for the fishing metaphors but they're apt for dating.) If you want him, you're going to have to just directly and unambiguously ask him out. I say that because, being a guy, we can be kind of inventive...if he thinks he was obvious about his intent (and you didn't respond) he's likely reconciled himself of all sorts of absurdities to soothe his ego.

2.) Deal with #1 now. Then decide. You'll feel like an idiot passing on the job if he's over you for-good. If he's in on you though, you can't run off for another job right after exploring this thing with the guy. So...you'd have to choose.

[tabbycat31]

17. He did not ask me out

After meeting with his mom, we went and hung out at bars and a cheesesteak shop until the wee hours of the night. Until that night our relationship was mostly professional and this was the first time we hung out as friends/drinking buddies. If he had asked me out I would have said yes. He also did not try and make any physical contact with me that night.

As for the job--- I figured that applying would not hurt me. I'd rather stay local but this could be a great boost to my career. If both happen it may just mean becoming a frequent flyer.

[Chan790]

19. Ah yes...

yeah, I know a few of those.

It's a most awful sort of idiocy; the one that leads men to try to show you what a good mate they'd be because they're interested, rather than asking you out because they're interested. It's nearly like they forgot step one and moved on to step two. (Except that it's really cowardice that's at-play here.)

If he doesn't ask, he doesn't have to deal with the rejection; a great strategy if women were mind-readers...you'd be overcome by his suitability, gentle-nature and whatnot & the question would go unspoken, you'd be his...you'd show something that was overt interest and he'd ask the question only after he knew the answer, if ever. (In his slight defense, he might have thought asking you to hang out and meet his mom then hang-out some more was kinda sorta that test-date/hang-out thing pre-teens do. Some otherwise-normal people utterly lack for social skills in these situations. In that case, you have to ask yourself: Is he worth having to teach a grown man how to date?)

Everything I said above still applies.

On the job-front, you need to do what is right and works for you. Neither a relationship or career-attainment is the be-all/end-all in life; sure they're both nice and means to happiness, but happiness is the ends, not the things we do to obtain happiness. Be happy.

[tabbycat31]

21. I don't exactly have the best dating history myself

I just texted him and said "Hey long time no talk-- going to a party on Sunday and want to know if you want to join me.
He just called me back and is going to try and go with me. Hopefully things work out.

This party and the job are intertwined-- the party is put on by the state chapter of the (national) organization that I am applying for the job with.

[pitohui]

18. well forget the guy, the guy has already found somebody else

with romance, you must strike while the iron is hot, not wait for absence to make (your) heart grow fonder

guys fall off the face of the earth because they're found someone that every waking hour is spent doing the wild thing and since this time of passion lasts but weeks and months they must enjoy it while they can

as for the job, as time goes by and you get older, most friends do fall away, you have a better chance of making a life for yourself by chasing a career and chasing opportunity than you do by relying on friends

we all die alone and the sooner we figure it out and stop worrying about friends or facebook the sooner we'll make a life for ourself

the real friends you'll meet again, the rest were just the sidekicks anyway

[Bossy Monkey]

20. In romance, you can only be a fatalist.

What you are doing is called personalizing (It's all my fault!) and catastrophizing (This is the worst thing ever!). Add in the third thing, something about making it permanent (Everything's terrible, my fault, and it'll never ever get better!) and you're in a hell of a mess. You might want to get a hold of "Learned Optimism" by Martin E.P. Seligman; it's probably still in most public libraries. It's perfectly natural to personalize and catastrophize in matters of romance, but you just have to stop. You didn't blow it in past relationships; things just didn't work out. You survived and you probably learned something (for instance, that you can survive). So this dude isn't answering calls or emails and you don't know why. (I'm in the obverse situation and I'm not having any fun in it either.) He might be uninterested, he might be sick, he might be busy. Unless you want to call the mother, you're not going to find out unless he calls, emails or texts back. You just have to keep yourself from worrying about it. Focus on the next job and the new friends and interesting men you'll meet there. If this guy turns out to be interested, just count it as a bonus, and enjoy yourself. One should always be prepared for anything-- even success.

[NewJeffCT]

23. My advice - ask him out directly & also apply for the job

If you ask him out & he says "no", at least you won't be stuck thinking, "if only I'd asked him out..." I would say it is unlikely he would say "no" as, even if he has had other dates since, it's only been 2 weeks since Thanksgiving, so it probably is not serious yet.

And, if he goes out with you & you hit it off - and you also get the job, then you worry about what to do. While you may be very well qualified for the job, there may be others just as qualified as you, or even more so (gasp) so, it may not even work out.

[Moondog]

24. OK, a couple of things.

First off, there is quite a bit of good advice in the various posts above.

Second, age matters here. And I don't see yours.

Men, particularly professional types, stop making fast moves towards ladies as they (the men) get older. There are a couple of reasons for this. And I will not bore you with all of them. But this is the bottom line - somewhere around thirty years of age, there is this role reversal that happens. And men start laying back, seemingly becoming passive. But what is really happening is that women in the same age bracket start becoming more aggressive. There are a number of reasons for both phenomena, several of which are not at all PC. But what matters here, and for you, is this - if you, and this man that you have focused upon, are both close to, or actually at 30 something or better - and he and you are enjoying, shall we say, your fair share of the material rewards of working life - then it is pretty much up to you at this point. He has already displayed his interest (it doesn't get any more serious than introducing you to his mother); apparently he concluded that you were not that interested, and he is about to move on if he has not done so already.

OK, I recently turned 60. Older than dirt. But I have spent a long time supervising, and listening to far younger versions of myself. Trial lawyers, now (not always, but now) of both genders. And, as a result, and while I did not live it, I became more than familiar with the hook-up culture. I actually went on "dates" back in the mists of pre-history. I have heard stories, similar to yours, from the perspective of both sexes for a number of years. Nothing has really changed.

If you want this man, you are going to have to find a way to convey that to him. And when you do this, subtlety is not your friend. Be sure he understands what you are trying to convey. And then, well, the chemistry is either there, or it isn't.

As for the career thing. Never, and I mean never, make a career decision based upon lust, love, unrequited love, or anything like that. Make the decision based upon what makes sense for your career. Love will find a way. And if it does not, well, to be blunt, men are like streetcars and taxis. Wait a few minutes, and another one will be along.

on edit - correct punctuation error.