Well, I've had a poop-storm of a day...

[SOteric]

Post your favourite bad jokes so I can find my sense of humour again.

Thanks!!

[some guy]

1. Two men from Ireland were Talking in a Pub

'I wouldn't go to America if you paid me,' said Michael.
'Why is that?' asked the Patrick.

'Well for one thing, they all drive on the right hand side of the road there.'
'And what's wrong with that?' inquired Patrick.

'Well', said Michael, 'I tried it driving in Dublin the other day and it's terrible.'

[some guy]

2. A man walked

into a bar with an alligator under his arm, and asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?"

"yes" said the bartender.

"Good," said the man. "in that case, I'll have a whiskey, and a lawyer for my alligator."

[SOteric]

16. Okay, so far, this is my favourite!

[some guy]

3. Doctor Clarke

always stopped at his local pub after work for a hazelnut daiquiri .

One day, the Dermot, barman ran out of hazelnut flavour so he substituted hickory nuts instead.

Doctor Clarke took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, 'This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri. Dermot!'

'No, I'm sorry', replied Dermot the barkeeper, 'it's a hickory daiquiri, doc.'

[EastTennesseeDem]

4. What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants in the distance?

"Look, a herd of elephants in the distance"

[EastTennesseeDem]

5. What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants with sunglasses?

Nothing. He doesn't recognize them.

[EastTennesseeDem]

6. How do elephants communicate?

They talk on the elephone.

[EastTennesseeDem]

7. Who weighs 6000 pounds and wears glass slippers?

Cinderelephant

[EastTennesseeDem]

8. What's big and grey and can fly straight up?

An elecopter.

[EastTennesseeDem]

9. What do elephants do for entertainment?

Watch elevision.

[EastTennesseeDem]

10. How do you tell if there is an elephant in your refrigerator?

Look for his footprints in the cheesecake.

[EastTennesseeDem]

11. How do you tell if there are two elephants in your refrigerator?

Look for two sets of footprints side by side.

[EastTennesseeDem]

12. How do you tell if there are three elephants in your refrigerator?

The door won't close.

[EastTennesseeDem]

13. How many giraffes will fit in the refrigerator?

None. There are already too many elephants in there.

[EastTennesseeDem]

14. How do you get an elephant into a Volkswagon Beetle?

Open door, insert elephant, close door.

[EastTennesseeDem]

15. How do you get 4 elephants in a Volkswagon?

Two in the front and two in the back.

[some guy]

17. Gorilla extractor

A lady is eating breakfast out on her patio one morning, when she notices a massive gorilla climbing up her palm tree. This sight scares her so she runs inside her house.

Trying to figure out what to do she grabs the yellow pages and looks it up. Sure enough right in the yellow pages is a big ad for gorilla extractors. She calls the number and the man on the other end of the line says he'll be right over.
When he shows up he explains to the lady that it is a pretty common problem and it should only take a few minutes. First he must get his equipment.

So from his truck he grabs a stepladder, a shotgun, an eight foot pole, handcuffs and a dog.
The lady exclaims, "What the hell is all that stuff for?"

The gorilla extractor explains, "First I climb up on the stepladder and ram this here pole up the gorilla ass. This will cause the gorilla to fall from the tree at which point that mean ass dog will bite the gorilla in the balls. This temporarily paralyzes the gorilla. At which point I put the handcuffs on the gorilla and take him away."

The lady asks, "What's the shotgun for?"
The man answers, "If I fall off the ladder, you shoot the dog!"

[SOteric]

18. Heeeeeee!!! Now this is my favourite!!

:thumbsup:

[some guy]

22. Yay.

heck, them was a easy christmas present. :D

I hope your sense of humour stays found and that you have a wonderful holiday season.

:bounce:

[some guy]

19. Geese!

A city man went on vacation in the autumn for a color tour in the midwest. Stopping one night at a small tavern for a meal and a beer, he regaled the waitress with tales of his adventures and his amazement not only about the beautiful colors, but about how many flocks of geese he'd seen flying south for the winter.

The gray haired tavern owner came over and said, "Yup, those geese are amazing creatures."

"How do you mean?" asked the man.
"Well," the owner explained as he pulled out a chair. "That 'V' formation they fly in is something they evolved over tens of thousands of years to allow them to go further distances when they migrate."

"Really?" asked the man.
"Yup," said the owner. "The strongest flyer would take the point, and the other geese would fall in formation in his airstream to allow them to relax a bit and not have to work so hard."

"That's amazing," said the man.
"Yup," the owner went on. "And when the point man got tired, he'd fall back and another, well rested goose would take over the point."

"Wow," said the man. "I never knew that."
"And did you notice," the owner asked, "that one leg of that 'V' was always longer than the other?"

"Well now that I think about it, yes I did," said the man. "Why is that?"
"Well," the owner grinned as he got up. "It's got more geese in it."

[some guy]

20. ...

"Oh John, do you remember, the last time we were up here was 25 years ago and we made love for the very first time near an old disused barn. I wonder if we could find it again."

"I shouldn't think it'd be here after all this time." he said, "but we'll go and have a look."

Suprisingly enough, the barn was still there. "Look Doreen, I sat you on that fence over there and we made love, let's do it again." She agreed and he sat her on the fence and began the business.

Doreen went completely wild, thrashing her arms in the air and waving her feet around. "Wow, Doreen, you didn't do that last time."

"I know" she stammered, "but it wasn't electrified then."

[some guy]

21. last one

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the after life. The woman's biggest fear was that there was no heaven.

After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word, he made contact. "Mary... Mary..."
Awestruck, Mary responds, "Is that you Fred?"

"Yes, I have come back like we agreed."
"Well, what is it like?"

Fred excitedly tells his tale, "Well, when I get up in the morning I have sex, then I have breakfast, then I have sex again, then I bathe in the sun, then I have sex twice more, then I have lunch, then I have sex all afternoon and into the early evening, until bedtime. And, then, I start all over again the next day."

So happy Mary says, "Oh Fred, you surely must be in heaven."
Fred replies, "Hell no, Mary, I'm a rabbit in Kansas."

[some guy]

23. A rather

attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.

"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no" he replies. "Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."

[some guy]

24. Logical Scientist

Two builders go into the pub after a hard day's work. They're sat drinking for a while when a very smartly dressed man walks in and orders a drink. The two began to speculate about what the man did for a living.
"I'll bet he's an accountant." said the first builder.
"Looks more like a stockbroker to me." argued the second. They continued to debate the subject for a good while until eventually the first builder needed to use the toilet. On walking in, he saw the smartly dressed man standing at a urinal.

"Excuse me mate, but me and my friend have been arguing over what a smartly dressed fella like you does for a living?" the builder said to the man.
Smiling the man replied, "I'm a logical scientist."

"A what?" asked the builder.
"Let me explain" the man continued, "Do you have a goldfish at home?"

A bit puzzled, but intrigued the builder decided to play along, "Yes, I do as it happens."
"Well then it's logical to assume that you either keep it in a bowl or a pond. Which is it?"

"A pond" the builder replied.
"Well then it's logical to assume that you have a large garden." The builder nodded his agreement. So the man continued, "which means it's logical to assume you have a large house."

"I have a 6 bedroom house that I built myself." the builder said proudly.
"Given that you have such a large house, it's logical to assume that you are married..."

The builder nodded again, "Yes, I'm married and we have three children."
"Then it's logical to assume that you have a healthy sex life."

"Five nights a week!" the builder boasted.
The man smiled a little, "Therefore it's logical to assume you don't masturbate often."

"Never!" the builder exclaimed.
"Well there you have it" the man explained, "That's logical science at work. From finding out that you have a goldfish, I've discovered the size of your garden, all about your house, your family and your sex life!"

The builder left, very impressed by the man's talents. On returning to the bar the other builder asked, "I see that smart bloke was in there, did you find out what he does?"
"Yeah," replied the first, "He's a logical scientist."

"A what?" the puzzled second builder asked.
"Let me explain" the first builder continued, "Do you have a goldfish at home?"
"No" replied his mate.
"Well, you're a wanker then!"