Note to self: stop talking to mother-in-law

[Pool Hall Ace]

I made the mistake of answering my husband's cell phone this evening. It was his mother calling. She wanted to speak with him. I was honest and told her that he was asleep (at 7:00 p.m. Eastern). She asked me if this was typical. I was honest and told her that it was. She asked if it was because of his drinking. I was honest and told her it was.

I didn't need to hear my mother-in-law remind me that my husband needs to want to get help for his alcoholism (duh) and that she needs us to either make our payments on the house or sell it.

I just finished a seasonal job, and I'm trying to find a permanent job. I just wanted some peace today, which I usually don't get until after my husband has fallen asleep.

Oh, but before ending the conversation, she did wish me a "Merry Christmas."

[LiberalEsto]

1. Oh, PoolHallAce

:hug:

[Pool Hall Ace]

3. Thanks hon.

Hugs backatcha. :hug:

[REP]

2. Remind her that she needs to stop being old and bitchy

Well, at least she can cut back on "bitchy."

[Pool Hall Ace]

4. Thank you for the laugh! It means a great deal to me.

I mean, as far as I know, even the debt collectors take Christmas day off. Why can't she?

If I could click my heels Dorothy Gale-style and go back in time to when I had a job, a house, and was single, I certainly would.

It wouldn't be surprised if she voted Republican this past November. She probably thinks that John Boehner will help me get a job and get back on my feet.

[Honeycombe8]

5. Is she making the payments on the house? If not....

it's none of her business what you do with your house. A gentle reminder of that, said with sincere love and respect, may help.

However, if you and your husband look to her for financial assistance (which stems from his drinking)...well, when you invite someone into your life and problems like that, they become part of your life and problems and have a right to speak out.

When I was married a looooong time ago, I was lucky enough to have a nice mother-in-law whom I really liked and was a good person (although a bit smothering of her baby boy). When there were some minor clashes, she and I both approached things from a loving, respectful angle, and things were nipped in the bud. I must admit it was mainly due to her, but I did my share of being loving and respectful.

It might help to remember that she loves her son. Her concern for his welfare is natural. Just remind her she needs to address her concerns directly with him, not you. And then wish her a sincere Merry Christmas...and click.

[Pool Hall Ace]

6. My husband was not an active drinker when I married him.

This is the story from my husband (who is truth-impaired): When he first purchased his home, he obtained a loan from a bank. His father, who was an accountant, thought the interest was too high, so the parents bought the mortgage. When we first got married, we made the mortgage payments to his parents. They are not making payments on the house; they really own the house (though the deed is in our names).

The money problems started in January 2009, when I had emergency brain surgery. My husband tried to file for divorce while I was in the hospital. He also tried (unsuccessfully) to remove me from his insurance policy.

Later that year, after receiving more than one threat, I left him. He lied to me and told me that Blue Cross had canceled my coverage because my brain tumor was considered a pre-existing condition. I later found out that he had lied; he had notified Blue Cross that we were divorcing and that I was no longer his dependent. However, because of the length of time that had gone by, coverage could not be reinstated.

When I ran out of options, I came back to my husband. Due to additional medical problems, I am in the process of filing for bankruptcy. My husband is refusing to work, believing his mother and other wealthy relatives will support him. Though it may sound selfish, I need to look out for me. I have since opened my own bank account so I can pay the bills. He will have to find his liquor money from elsewhere. I have tried to help him look for a job, but he refuses to work for less than $55/hour (even though I am making much less than before).

I understand that we need to be making payments on the house, but does she have to call on fucking Christmas night? I wonder if it would be better if she would just go ahead and foreclose on us.

[siligut]

7. Hitting bottom can save some alcoholics

Of course you know this. It is just how you can keep your husband from pulling you down with him. It seems he will/can not look out for you, so good you are working on taking care of yourself first. Picture yourself five years from now and chose the path that best suits you. Maybe your bitchy MIL can work something out to raise the bottom for your husband; foreclosure might do it?

[Pool Hall Ace]

12. I would be perfectly happy if she foreclosed on us.

I have no problem living in a smaller home without a garage. What is important to me is a peaceful atmosphere. You are right, though, I don't want my husband to pull me down with him.

[Honeycombe8]

8. "Truth-impaired"? LOL! I love that expression. Otherwise...oh, my.

Your situation sounds pretty bad. No, you are NOT being selfish! Don't even think that! A person's duty is first and foremost to take care of himself or herself; otherwise, they are no good to anyone else (or themselves, for that matter).

Yeah...she shouldn't have brought that up on Christmas night. If there's one night to be pleasant and nonconfrontational, that would be it.

But notwithstanding, it remains that...her business is with your husband, not with you. She needs to tell those things to him, it seems to me. You are not your husband's mother or caretaker. You have enough to worry about without her being a downer on Christmas.

I hope your health is better...that the tumor was able to be removed. Although I know some tumors may come back, I hope yours was not one of those.

Your husband...whoa...and I thought my ex was a loser. An alcoholic who tries to screw his wife out of insurance when she has a serious illness? And files for divorce while she's in the hospital? Does it get any lower than that?

I hope your health recovers and you're able to get out of the situation. It sounds like the mother-in-law is the least of your worries. But really, she needs to deal directly with "the boy," instead of you. It sounds like that's between them. I mean, how much do people expect you to handle?

Good luck.

[Pool Hall Ace]

11. My health is better; thanks for asking. :-)

The tumor (meningioma) was benign, and the surgeon got it all. It's a very slow-growing tumor, so if it does come back, it should take quite some time. And the endometrial biopsy I had earlier this year was negative.

I don't know if my mother-in-law realizes what it is like to live with an alcoholic. The verbal abuse, the non-stop babbling . . . she doesn't have to tolerate that. She has brief conversations with him every day that consist mostly of pleasantries.

[elleng]

16. There are probably others in the family, so she may know something abt it.

[Pool Hall Ace]

18. Now that you mention it . . .

She revealed to me not long ago that her husband's brother's wife (would that be her sister-in-law?) was an alcoholic. In fact, alcoholism contributed to her death.

[elleng]

19. and blood relatives of your husb, highly likely.

[pacalo]

20. Next time he's asleep when she calls, wake him up!

It makes me angry how he's to blame for this situation & his mother brings this up to you on Christmas! She could have wished you Merry Christmas, then asked you to have him call her later. If you had woken him up to talk to her, she might begin to see what you're up against.

I'd get out of that situation if I were you. Marriage can be a lot better than that.

Be strong & take care, Ace.

:hug:

[Pool Hall Ace]

21. I am doing everything I can to get out of the situation, and I know

that it is the best thing to do. My husband does not want to stop drinking. All I wanted was some peace & quiet; I shouldn't have answered his phone. Or -- as you suggest -- wake him up next time.

I have learned many lessons during this marriage; this is just another one! :)

[elleng]

24. Dear Ace, we do our best to do the 'right' thing, like tell the truth,

and get kicked in the head for it.

;(

You don't owe him any more, but I do know its difficult to NOT do what we think is right and proper.

:hug:

[pacalo]

17. +1!

[NNadir]

23. Well, there's Newt Gingrich, who informed his wife by telephone while she was in the hospital...

...that he was leaving her for another woman.

He's going to run for President as a "family values" President.

[Pool Hall Ace]

44. Egads, is Newt going to run for President?

If he does, I hope this incident comes up . . . repeatedly!

[elleng]

9. No such thing as 'selfish' for you; its your only job at the moment,

do whatever you can, Ace, to take care of yourself.

I've got one of those s.o.bs too. They're all truth impaired. Damn.

:hug:

[Pool Hall Ace]

13. elleng! Is your divorce final?

If I recall correctly, you are in your own little apartment? How do you like it?

:hug:

[elleng]

15. Apt fine, tho frozen pipes caused some water damage, so

staying with friend; good excuse to be other-than-alone.

NOT final! S.o.b's been playing games as usual; thought we had agreement Nov. 1, he refused to sign. I rec'd 'final' notice from IRS couple weeks ago, forwarded by him, suggesting he hadn't forwarded ### previous notices, that I owe abt 9,000 for '06; then learned he didn't file jointly for '07 either, tho we'd been doing so for 20+ years, so I'll owe ??? for '07! So your story reminded me!

Seeing tax acct. tues, and looking forward to getting professional assessment + idea what I can add to my new demand in our 'agreement.' W/o agreement, trial scheduled for mid-March. SO, his failure to sign will cost him! S.O.B.

WITH YOU, Ace!

[Lucinda]

10. Can she? If the deed is in your name?

I'm clueless about this stuff...

[Pool Hall Ace]

14. I believe she can, because she holds the mortgage.

In retrospect, it was foolish of me to marry a man whose home mortgage was held by his parents, but it was an equally foolish move on their part.

[Kaleva]

51. I don't see how they own the house or hold the mortgage...

when you said earlier they don't make payments and the deed is in your husband's and your name. Do you make payments to your inlaws and they in turn make the payment to the bank?

Edit: I see in another post that your inlaws paid for the home in full and you make payments to them. Unless a contract was signed, such as a land contract, I highly doubt they can foreclose on you as the deed is already in your husband's and your name.

[Pool Hall Ace]

61. I don't recall signing anything.

My husband purchased the house while he was single (1996). We did not marry until 2004. I don't recall signing anything, but then again, the brain tumor did interfere with my memory somewhat.

[Kaleva]

66. My knowledge of real estate law is limited.....

altough I've purchased and sold a number of homes in my lifetime. Your husband, when he was single, may have signed a land contract with his parents. They then could take the house back. If the contract was a handshake or verbal agreement, then it becomes much more complicated and your in laws may not be able to take the home back.

[kimi]

54. Vibes, hon

You need em. Sounds to me, from what I've read, that you know what needs to be done and are taking steps to do so. Sometimes big changes are made through small steps at first. Believe me, I know. You gain more and more confidence with each step you take. Before you know it, you'll be striding right out of that horrible situation.

Don't answer the husband's phone anymore. Specially if you know his mom might be on it. That would be my suggestion. She's only gonna bring you down. It's her way of coping with a situation that she can't control.

Take care of yourself. Hugs.

[alphafemale]

22. She is paying for her grwn son and DIL's house and expresses concern that he is passed out drunk....

She is paying for her grown son and DIL's house and expresses concern that he is passed out drunk....before Family Feud....


And she's the one with problems?????

Oh.

I am NOT enabling this!!!

ARE U FKING KIDDING ME!??!!

[hippywife]

25. Have you read any of this thread at all except the OP?

Sounds like you are passing judgment on Ace. But I hope I am misunderstanding your wording.

You might want to check out her explanation of what's been going on and apologize:

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_mesg&forum=105&topic_id=9584397&mesg_id=9584558

Ever been trapped in a situation not of your own making? I hope not.

[alphafemale]

26. I read it. Reads like every sob enabling story that's ever been thoughout the arc of time.

People like this don't need to be petted and felt sorry for.

[EFerrari]

27. Right. Because imposing *your* judgment is so much more useful.

Good grief.

Personally, I never pet authoritarian bs because it just encourages it.

[alphafemale]

30. This person doesn't need sympathy.

They need an Al Anon meeting.

[EFerrari]

31. You have no idea what this person needs.

And being in Al-Anon is not a license to prescribe for other people.

[alphafemale]

34. And you DO know what she needs?

I'd guess a head patter may be what she wants. But not what she needs.

[EFerrari]

36. This tough love cr@p is simply one side of dysfunctional relationship, privileged.

A real boost for authoritarians who feel out of control. No much good for anyone else. :party:

[alphafemale]

37. Yeah. Needy dependent friends are so much fun

They NEED you!!!!

It's so good to be NEEDED!

Let's be sure they stay needy by patting their head.

[EFerrari]

39. What need are you satisfying in this thread

where you prescribe for the OP and insult others?

[Pool Hall Ace]

45. I have been to Al Anon meetings in the past

and I want to start going again. I've been so busy with work lately that I just haven't had the time.

It is a great organization. In fact, it took me a long time to finally get up my nerve to go (I thought they would try to shove xtianity down my throat). I wish I had gone sooner.

[alphafemale]

48. and people thought I was being mean to you....lol

you need people to support you and thrust you forward.


You can DO THIS!!!

[EFerrari]

58. Bashing people is not support, it's just bashing. n/t

[hippywife]

28. Beware.

Karma can be a real bitch.

[alphafemale]

32. hows that?

I'm at risk for Karmic backlash because I point out that someone is classically enabling a worthless drunk who makes her feel like shit about herself?

yeah. You pat her on the back and tell her that's OK.

That's really helping.

[hippywife]

33. What do you do when

you have no where else to go? She isn't propping him up. She has to stay there until she can get out from under their economic problems because she has no where else to live. (Put in bold in case you missed the situation.) Did you not read that she has opened a separate bank account so he can't get the money from her for his habit?

There are many people trapped in less than ideal circumstances by economic difficulties these days. I don't see anything about her story that indicates she is enabling him at all.

If you don't read the whole story and can't have a little compassion for her situation, then why comment at all? :shrug:

[alphafemale]

35. Because she needs a kick in the ass at this point in her life.

She also needs to acknowledge that the position she is in is largely her own damn fault.

You can't even begin to clean up the mess you've made of your life until you own it.

[EFerrari]

38. Why do you feel entitled to intrude on the privacy of PHA's relationship

to her own experience?

That's just really bad boundaries on your part. Don't look now, but owning someone else's position as you are doing here is an abdication of your responsibility for you.

[alphafemale]

40. But you feel you have the right to by enabling this?

[EFerrari]

43. Attacking other people is not an intervention.

It's just acting out.

[hippywife]

41. Ummm...wow!

I see no where in her tale of woe that indicates this is her own damn fault, as you put it.

I sincerely hope you never find yourself in such dire straits and someone like you passes the kind of judgment you are of her.

[Pool Hall Ace]

46. What kind of ass-kicking do you have in mind?

I'm working, have my own bank account, refuse to give my husband money, and as I mentioned in another post, I am all for my mother-in-law foreclosing on us. I'm not making a great deal of money; I'm trying to keep the utilities paid, food on the table, gas in my car, etc.

I would love to extricate myself from this situation faster. What do you suggest?

[kimi]

53. Ya know

sometimes it's just really helpful for people to have some moral support. Sometimes that's more beneficial than a "kick in the ass".

Try it sometime.

Geez, your love for your fellow human is breathtaking.

[EFerrari]

29. My mom would do something like that.

It's too bad she had to mingle all that stuff in a holiday call.

[Pool Hall Ace]

47. Yeah, that's my beef with her

I know we owe her money for the house; I get that.

When my husband is awake, he's either berating me or babbling about shite I don't care about. It takes quite a bit of effort to tune him out.

I cannot make him work, and I cannot make him seek help for his drinking.

After he falls asleep, I just want some pleasant quiet time. She knows that I am the only one working, and that I'm doing what I can to keep the utilities connected. She should have just stopped at "Merry Christmas."

[EFerrari]

57. Living with practicing alcoholics is traumatizing because they're always

violating your boundaries. For their concerned family members to turn around and do the same thing (or well meaning but clueless outsiders, for that matter) is stupid and thoughtless but also, predictable.

Take of you, Pool Hall Ace.

[Pool Hall Ace]

67. I'm concentrating on me and my puppeh

Some may see me as selfish, but if they knew how cruel my husband has been, they would be more understanding.

And I'm learning to not care what those people think, anyway.

[EFerrari]

68. Sounds like a good plan to me.

:)

[madrchsod]

42. i told my over bearing bigoted mil to get fucked one day....

after that she never said any of that shit in front of me again and we got along fine till the day she died. i guess someone in the family stood up to her. when i did this my father in law almost broke out laughing. he`d wanted to do what i did be never could...

[SalmonChantedEvening]

49. :(

:hug: :hug: :hug:

Sending all the loving vibes I have for you PHA. :*

And for your plight :cry:

[dawg]

50. I'd give you a big hug if you were here.

Well, that is, as long as you didn't surprise me. I just got done watching Evil Dead on Netflix, and as dumb as that movie is, I'm still a little jumpy.

On a more serious note, keep your chin up, and every day, make all the small changes you can. Every small step towards getting away is a step towards freedom. I can't imagine what you must be going through, but I sure do wish you well.

[Kaleva]

52. I think you both need help.

Your husband is the Titanic and you choose to be the Band.

Here are some comments you made:

"The verbal abuse, the non-stop babbling..."

"My husband tried to file for divorce while I was in the hospital. He also tried (unsuccessfully) to remove me from his insurance policy."

"Later that year, after receiving more than one threat, I left him."

He doesn't love you and he treats you like dirt so there is no good reason for you to be the Band. Yes, he has an illness but only he can take the steps to contain it.

[Pool Hall Ace]

55. I have no intention of going down with my husband.

He talked briefly about leaving, and I told him to go ahead. He has a much wider network of friends who can take him in.

My plan is to stay busy working and creating a network of my own (made up of sane, rational people).

And I do get help. He doesn't, because he doesn't see his drinking as problematic.

[Kaleva]

56. Do you feel like you are stuck with him because you cannot make it on your own?

At least until you develop a network of friends?

[Pool Hall Ace]

63. Yes, I am for the time being.

I need to save money and build a stronger social network.

Alcoholics can be very controlling. It is difficult for me to bring anyone around our house. My husband doesn't even want me to have online friends. He is constantly threatening to cut off the internet service or destroy my laptop.

If he does cancel the internet, I will just get mobile broadband. I don't think he will actually do it, but if he does, I won't look up anything for him anymore. I will just tell him to go to the library and use one of the computers there (he is very low-tech and doesn't even know how to boot up).

[Tsiyu]

60. I'm sorry you only came here for some much-needed venting

and certain individuals feel it is their opportunity to take out their personal issues - or their "expertise in twelve stepping" - on you.

You don't deserve the crap they're giving.

You signed up to communicate here, not for therapy or someone else's idea of "bluff love." If you wanted a meeting, I'm sure you know where to find one. ;)

You'll get away from that situation; you're working toward that goal. Your mil sounds like she is in the same trap of blaming you for her son's issues. You don't deserve that blame.

Hope you found some peace, and sorry for all of the "keyboard therapists." You came for some friends and I'm glad the good people of DU are there for you.

hang in there and visualize freedom! :headbang:

[Pool Hall Ace]

62. That's okay. If you're talking about alphafemale, I didn't think she was being mean.

I've never heard of "bluff love" before, but it does give me a good laugh! :rofl:

What's really frustrating are the people who know me in real life who sniff, "You need to get a full-time job with benefits and get away from that man."

Well, derpy derpy der, ya think? Perhaps if all one reads is the Princeton Tiger News, it is possible to remain blissfully unaware of the state of the economy.

Along with continuing to work and build up social capital, I've also found that it is necessary to shed negative people from my life. :headbang:

[Tsiyu]

64. I know the feeling

Those great jobs are just hanging on trees for any of us to pick...


And true that about negative people. Sometimes their "help" is the most unhelpful .



Glad to give you a laugh!



:hi:

[EFerrari]

59. Maybe reading the thread would be a good idea

before characterizing the OP as "the band". She's clearly not the band.

[Kaleva]

65. I've read the thread

OP had left but returned to the Titanic of her own free will.

Edit: I do feel sorry for the OP and do wish her the best. However, I do think she made a mistake moving back in with her husband.