Has anyone lived with their in laws?

[yurbud]

My wife and I have an eight month old baby, and we've been staying with her folks for the child care help because she had pretty nasty postpartum depression.

Now she's coming out of it, but we're considering moving into their four bedroom house because her dad lost his job and is probably going to remain unemployed since he is just a few years from retirement.

If we don't move in and contribute toward their mortgage, they are likely to lose their house.

I have some reservations about living with them, but overall, I like the multi-generational home idea.

My one concern is how it will affect my parenting relationship with my daughter--right now, grandma and grandpa are self-appointed experts and intervene in anything they think my wife and I are doing wrong, behavior that was encouraged by my wife's depression, which led her to leave a lot of child care to them.

I'm wondering if anyone has moved in with your parents or your spouse's when you had kids and if it was a good or bad experience.

Also, did it make a difference who needed the arrangement more, the grandparents or parents?

[HERVEPA]

1. Big trouble if you allow them to intervene in the child-raising

You need to make it clear to them it will not be permitted.

Do they understand much of the reason you would be moving in is for their financial benefit?

[yurbud]

4. we haven't discussed it yet

I'm still decided whether to do it.

[trof]

6. Yep! My daughter put me in my 'place'.

When I attempted to correct her firstborn about something she said "DAD! I'LL HANDLE THIS!"

OK, I get it.
This is your house, your family, your rules, and your kid.
I overstepped.

And she did have some post-partum 'issues'.
Scared the hell out of me once.

All is well now, especially after the secondborn.
Mom is much more relaxed.

I was raised by a single mother in her parents' home.
You need to establish some ground rules about child raising.
Good luck.

[Kali]

2. yes but not with kids

my first response was RRRUUUNNNNN!!!! but on second thought, no matter how your views on things like discipline differ, kids are kids and if you can manage it and not be too stressed it would be SO great for the kid.

If it is going to cause a LOT of conflict don't do it, but if you are the kind of family that can work out your conflicts (conflict isn't bad, it's how you deal with ti) then that is even more good stuff for the kid to be around.

Maybe try to work up some ground rules and PUT THEM IN WRITING - sign them and refer back regularly - maybe some kind of monthly check-in meeting on "how are we doing?" - if at all possible get with a decent therapist BEFORE this and work with everybody together - it just might be a FANTASTIC experience.

GOOD LUCK! (and congratulations!)

[PassingFair]

3. I wouldn't do it...unless you can afford the house payment on your own...

very sticky situation, and it will be very
difficult to extricate yourselves.

I suggest that the grandparents down-size
now, and get an apartment near your new
domicile.

If you love the house, let them transfer
it into you and your wife's name.
Don't make yourself responsible for THEIR
house payments.

[yurbud]

5. I had thought about that downsizing option and moving in with US.

[seabeyond]

7. like the generational think if all can be respectful. but then read further in your post

and an adult that interfers in anothers parenting is nOT being respectful.

best to you on that. would be neat and good for all if you get along and can settle that issue. all responsible adults adn having faith and respect for each other and their part in the family

[knowbody0]

8. my son and grandson are living with me

and have been for nearly two years. akward at first, but we both had our sit down where we discussed the ultimate authority topic re parenting. we live separately except for the evening meal, and they are totally responsible for their share of housekeeping as well as yard keep up. it's working out well for us, but I have a knowing that things could have easily gone kablooey had we not set perameters and stuck to them.

[Brickbat]

9. Mr. Brickbat and I lived with his parents for six months. We needed to when we were moving and were

between houses. They were very kind because we thought it would only take a month or two; it took six.

Good points:

* We all got along anyway, so getting along wasn't a big deal. We all had different schedules, and they had just put on an addition so we had our own bedrooms -- we didn't have to live in a family room, or something.

* They didn't charge us rent, even though we offered many times to pay it.

* There was always someone around to take care of the kids.

Bad points:

* There was some stepping in on -- not disciplining or child-raising advice, but sometimes identifying behavior they didn't like that didn't bother me. That rankled. If we had stayed there longer I'm sure it would have been an issue. So your "one concern" seems like a pretty big red flag for me.

One thing that made everything easier was that we tried to communicate as much as possible about what was working and what wasn't. As I said, we offered to pay, and they refused to take money, but then my MIL said if I could help out with the cooking that would be a big help. So I did.

Good luck. It can lead to a really neat relationship across generations, but, like any relationship and living arrangement, it takes a lot of communication and a willingness to discuss conflicts before they fester and turn into huge issues.

[darkstar3]

10. I've done it.

For 11 months before we got married, darkspouse and I lived with her mother. The situation was complicated by her then high-school aged brother and sister living in the same house, but that wasn't the only reason that it was...traumatic.

That's not to say that you can't do it. Everyone's situation is different. But if you'd like to profit by learning from my mistakes, here are some pointers for you.

- Americans live their lives as nuclear families in individual houses, just as you and your in-laws have done. Therefore, once you all move in together, you will all start to become more and more like a nuclear family, falling ever more effectively into household roles. It doesn't matter that her parents are not your parents, because once you move into the home that bears their names on the mortgage they will, sooner or later, become the heads of the household. It's just breeding, sociology, and frankly childhood training at work. If you are uncomfortable with this probable possibility, you probably shouldn't move in.

- THE single most frequent topic for intra-family quarrels is money. It is good that you intend to pool your resources and ensure that everyone comes out above water in the end, but this must be carefully planned out in advance. Not with regard to percentages, or any kind of written expense sharing or "rent" agreement. No, you must ALL begin to think of yourselves as a team of adults working toward financial security. Have you ever gone to lunch with a group of co-workers and covered somebody? You know that phrase, "Oh, don't worry about it, just get me next time." That's going to be your team mantra if you want to truly avoid fights about money. This time around you got the groceries for everybody, and her parents can do it some other time. The idea is that everybody pitches in when they get the chance, and while everyone should try to pull an equal load, no balance sheet is ever involved. This means that in the end you, or they, may have shouldered more of the financial burden at the end of your time living together, but in my experience it's either that or an inevitable blowout.
(As an aside, the reason for this seems to be that we as Americans put far too much personal stock in our financial status and earning potential. If we somehow "can't make it", it's not a sign of the times or an unfortunate circumstance, it's a reflection on our personal worth.)

- More on the "team" bit. Their name is on the mortgage, and it's been their house alone for a very long time. It may sound odd, especially from a property law standpoint, but once you move in you ALL need to start thinking about it as "our house." (Sorry if the theme is in your head now.) Let's assume your in-laws are named John and Jane. If you are always thinking about the place you live as "John and Jane's house" or "her parents' house" or something similar, you will never feel comfortable enough to exert the necessary authority over your children. You will constantly feel like a guest in someone else's home, and whatever they say to your children will easily become law. If you and your in-laws can agree on the idea that "it's our house", then you can mitigate what I mentioned in my first point. You will probably still find yourself deferring to "John and Jane" in certain situations due to social conditioning, but you will have a much easier time overall, and THEY will have an easier time deferring to your authority over your children.

- Most importantly of all, be wary of your pride AND theirs. As I mentioned above, we put a lot of stock in our ability to "make it" in this world, and their pride will be hurting in this situation. Don't think about who needs this arrangement more, and never let either side believe that your moving in was a saving or heroic action. Think of this as something you're all doing in order to make all of your lives better, and it has the added benefit that your children will see a lot more of their grandparents.

And finally, take my advice with a grain of salt. I have never been in your exact situation, I don't know your family, and I don't have kids. I believe what I've written here will be helpful, but only YOU can decide if such advice is applicable to your situation. Here's hoping everything works out well for you. Good luck.

[yurbud]

13. they are Peruvian and used to extended family under one roof. My family has done it both ways

[Skittles]

11. my advice

set up the ground rules before making the agreement

[grasswire]

12. how does your wife feel about it?

Of course the best way to live together would be to sell their house and get a house with a MIL apartment in it. No turf issues that way, and you don't always feel as if you are living in their space and must keep things the old way.

Probably unrealistic in this market, though.

[yurbud]

16. yeah, her dad has a big vegetable garden in the backyard and it's close to their other relatives

[kimi]

14. I respect and admire the fact

that you are willing to help them out this way. It shows a distinct uprightness of character and honor of family in you.

Others have said it much better than I could. Yes, I've lived with in-laws, and it was a nightmare. BUT, if we'd all sat down beforehand and worked things through, laid out the ground rules, etc, it would have worked much better, I think. (OK, maybe not, knowing the type of people they were, still.) If this is something that's got to happen, you all need a meeting to lay things out, discuss concerns, allocation of chores, things like that.

I really believe that multi-generational families can work well. American culture is not so on board with this idea, but if you look at cultures around the world - decent, enduring cultures - the extended family can be a source of comfort, pride, and happiness.

Best of luck, whatever you do. Let us know and take care!

[raccoon]

15. No, but my mother did. Not recommended. When I read this in your post, "grandma and grandpa

are self-appointed experts..."

They sound like the interfering kind.


FWIW, I don't recommend it in YOUR case either.